Chapter 22
“What about Morgan and Preston?” Thanny asked.
“What about them?”
“Have you ever made out with them?”
I shook my head honestly, and then Thanny asked about Sydney and Darshi.
“Are you gonna ask about my brothers next?” I said and Thanny grabbed my wrist forcefully. He must have seen the fright in my eyes because as quickly as he squeezed, he released it.
“Uh, sorry, Ash. I just get really jealous. Please, will you stop meeting with Ford? Do it for me babe, please. You know I love you.”
I don’t, in fact. That was the first time Thanny told me he loved me and I believed him. I needed to believe him, needed to have a reason why I was uprooting my entire life. So I did what he asked. In 2020, I ignored Ford’s texts for months until he eventually stopped texting completely.
At the end of 2020 I began a PhD in English literature and even though Ford was the only person I wanted to tell about it, I didn’t.
Months turned into years, and eventually I told myself I didn’t need Ford. I had other people in my life and if not having Ford made Thanny happy, it had to be done. I was going to be fine.
Except.
Except.
First, it’s Ford.
Then, it’s Sydney and Darshi, who have come back to England after their travels in India and according to Thanny, I spend way too much time with them.
Why? Am I not happy at home? Thanny cries one evening and begs me to stop seeing them, so that I can spend more time with him, all my time with him. So for a while, I do.
Until Sydney shows up at my door one day, pounding until I let him in.
“What the actual fuck, Ash? You disappeared. Darshi thought you died, she’s losing her mind. And Ford hasn’t heard from you either. What the fuck?”
Thanny is not home that day but I’m scared he’ll come back anytime. So instead of inviting Sydney in and explaining to him that yes I’m okay, yes I’m alive and happy and oh Lord, Darshi should really stop worrying. I tell Sydney that he needs to leave.
And Sydney puts up a fight. He pushes past me and sits on the orange couch in the living-room, insisting I talk to him.
“I didn’t stay friends with you through puberty only to be dumped when I’m about to become a father for the second time.
If Darshi was here right now she’d beat your stupid arse, and you know it. What the fuck is happening, Ash?”
At that, I stop. Darshi is pregnant again? Where have I been, how could I have missed this?
So that day I tell Sydney about Thanny, I finally admit how jealous he gets. But I add that it’s only because Thanny loves me and he wants to protect me and spend all of his time with me.
Sydney gives me a look but doesn’t comment. “I’m worried. But I trust you, Ash. Just don’t disappear okay? We want you to be in our lives.”
I nod and for the next year, once every month, I sneak out to meet them and their babies and I try to be the best uncle I can. Every week I text Sydney and Darshi letting them know that I’m alright, I’m happy.
Although, I’m not quite sure I’m happy.
Writing a PhD is a full time job and keeping Thanny happy is another full time job. The only difference is that Thanny is never giving me a break. He’s never done; period; next chapter.
We celebrate New Year’s Eve together, cheering for 2022.
Thanny kisses me at midnight and I tell him that I love him, but deep down I know I don’t really.
I don’t love him when he tells me what to eat.
I don’t love him when he says that Preston is hotter than me, that Morgan should lose weight and I don’t love him when he pushes me to go back to my parent’s house and speak with them.
Thanny kisses me at midnight and he tells me he loves me but does he really?
Does he love me when he holds my hip so tightly it bruises just because I chatted with the waiter?
Does he love me when I get home late and he gives me the silent treatment because he was lonely?
Does Thanny love me when he says I’m everything he’s ever dreamed of but I should cut my hair shorter, do push-ups more regularly and stop reading so many stupid books?
The next day I leave the house for a walk. It’s the new year and I’m thinking about becoming a new person. And as I’m lost in my thoughts in the centre of Sheffield, something unprecedented happens.
“Ash?” Someone calls my name from a distance.
I would recognise that voice anywhere.
“Ford?”
In January 2022 we’ve been living in the same city for over a year and a half and incredibly our paths have never crossed.
Until now.
The I love you from last night echoes in my mind and when I see Ford, I remember why I don’t love Thanny. How can I love someone who is not Ashford Hale?
Ford appears in front of me in a thick winter coat and a beanie and I want it gone.
I need to see his red curls, I need to feel them between my fingers again.
His beard is cut short yet his dimples aren’t showing.
He’s watching me with a serious expression, almost angry.
He’s alone, hands shoved in his pockets, and from the white sky, snow starts falling.
“Hey,” Ford says and I follow one snowflake until it rests on his shoulder. I wonder if he’s gained more muscle or if the coat is that thick.
I must be quiet a little too long, because Ford comes closer and clears his voice. “Hey, are you okay?” Placing a hand on my arm, Ford shakes me softly.
“Yes, yes. Hi. It’s been a while,” I respond, and Ford smirks, revealing teeth and dimples and lines on his face that were not there last time I saw him.
“That it has. I was starting to think you’d moved away.” He teases as the snow starts falling more heavily. His beanie is crowded with snowflakes and I want to count each of them singularly.
I shake his hand off my arm and take a step back. “Fancy meeting you here.”
“We haven’t talked in months,” Ford says and that’s an understatement. It’s been over a year. I have missed him so much, I’m sure there’s a Ford-shaped hole in my chest. But while Sydney has come around my house and fought for me, Ford has simply disappeared.
And no matter how cold it is outside, a heat rises in my chest to my cheeks, painting them red. “Oh, I thought you didn’t notice.” I snap at him, unsure why.
Ford is taken by surprise, and he stands in the middle of the streets, baffled. “You stopped replying, Ash. What was I supposed to do?”
“I don’t know. Do anything?”
“This is not my fault, Ash. You disappeared.” Ford points his finger at me and the words burn more out of his mouth than out of Sydney’s.
“Why do you think that is? Thanny found out that you and I kissed in high school and he was not happy about it.”
Ford rolls his eyes. “It was high school, fuck’s sake.”
I put my hands up in defeat and they’re burning inside of my gloves. Around us people walk by, going on with their lives as if nothing is happening. Meanwhile between Ford and I, everything is happening.
“So you decided to give me up, just because your first boyfriend said so?”
“I-”
But Ford doesn’t let me speak. “No, shut the fuck up. You were my best friend. I know people come and go, but you and I? I thought we didn’t do that. You are my family, Ash, always have been. And you dumped me. Abandoned me.” Ford bites his lip, but doesn’t add anything.
“I didn’t dump you,” I say the words but I can’t even believe them myself. Looking into Ford’s wounded eyes, I know he doesn’t believe them either.
“You were my family. After my mother, you...” Ford repeats and the fire inside of me burns.
I snap at him. “Your family huh? Do you see me like a brother, Ford?”
“What? Fuck, no I don’t.” He looks at me in confusion, as if he’s not recognising me or what I’m saying. I don’t either. Words just come out of my mouth unfiltered, uncontrolled.
“Well there you have it,” I tell Ford. “The reason why I couldn’t see you anymore. Why I cannot see you anymore. You mean too much to me, you’re worth too much.”
“So you choose him?”
“Who else am I going to choose, huh? Thanny’s the only-”
“Stop fucking calling him that. His name is fucking Jonathan, Christ.” Ford sounds hurt, angry and disappointed, a dangerous mixture that I’ve never heard in his voice.
I scoff at him. “You sound like Vicky.”
“Well, you sound like an arsehole, Ashley. Who the fuck even are you?”
Who am I?
I am a man standing in front of who once was his best friend, in the middle of the street. Under the snow. Other than that, I have no idea who I am either. “What is that supposed to mean now?”
“I thought you’d be different, Ash. Look at you. I thought you’d been able to rebuild your identity. I’d hoped that despite the role models you had, you’d become someone else. Instead, fucking look at you. You are exactly like your mother. Making excuses for a man that is way beneath you.”
“I’m nothing like my parents.” I fight to keep the tears in, feeling as if Ford has just punched me.
With a final step back, Ford looks away and pushes his hands deeper in his pockets. “Keep telling yourself that,” he says and then he walks away.
???
July 2022
Afterwards, there’s no casual meeting anymore.
I have no idea how it’s possible to live in the same town as someone and never meet them nor anyone they know. For a while, I wonder if Ford is avoiding me. I check the settings on my phone to see if I have shared my location with him, but I have not.
For months we don’t see each other again, and Ford doesn’t text. I don’t text either.
I don’t tell Thanny that I’ve met Ford but he must sense something is off with me because he spends most of his evenings at home and only leaves when he’s got work.
I’m thinking of starting to teach some classes alongside the PhD, and the idea of being an actual professor gives me a new purpose. I don’t tell Thanny though, afraid the information will make him unhappy. And I need Thanny to stay happy.
Lately, many things have made him unhappy.