Chapter 25
“Don’t leave me.”
“I’m about to ask you to marry me.”
Marry me.
Marry me.
Marry me.
I can’t think of anything else. The entire evening after Winnie’s fallen asleep, I bathe in those words, I visualise that memory over and over again, trying to make sense of it.
When Ash is back from his meeting it’s late, but I have thought about the words marry and me about a thousand times now and I’m literally bursting to speak to him.
But I find myself tongue-tied.
Ash comes to bed with his hair in a low bun and I feel the need to tug at it to see his reaction. I need to bite and suck his neck until he’s bruised and soft and marked. Until he’s mine.
I fuck him, finally. But I don’t tell him about the memory.
After, I hold Ash to me as he falls into a peaceful sleep and I wish Morpheus would take me, too.
“I’m about to ask you to marry me.”
It’s still dark outside when I feel there’s not enough oxygen in the room anymore and I have to get out.
Untangling myself from Ash is torturous, especially when he’s asleep.
He’s warm and soft, his arms are long and heavy and his legs are even longer and heavier.
His skin is pale and there’s tiny red marks all over his body.
I cover my face with my hands and let a sigh out. Fuck, this is one huge fucking mess, I think. What the fuck am I going to do?
“Where are you going?” Ash asks, sounding awfully awake.
Meeting his blue eyes, I wish I wasn’t about to do this naked. I wish I could have the time to throw Ash his t-shirt. I wish I knew where my underwear landed.
But alas.
“When were you gonna tell me?” I stare Ash down.
“Tell you what?”
“That you proposed?”
Realisation dawns in his eyes and Ash jumps up. He waffles around the room in silence for a beat, then starts picking up our clothes from the floor bit by bit. He folds them neatly, eyes focused on nothing in particular.
“What was I supposed to do? You lost all of your memories. I thought that was the reason.” His voice is hard as he gathers the discarded condom and the tissues.
I follow Ash to the bathroom where he drops everything in the trash and then back to the bedroom.
“Can you stop for a second?”
Ash sighs. “Ford.”
“You should have told me.” I point at him, the man I’ve known forever, and my hand is shaking. My whole arm is shaking.
“You get into a deadly accident a day after I propose, you’re miraculously alive, you spend weeks in a coma, you forget everything that happened in the past years,” Ash lists, holding four fingers up for me to see. “Sorry for thinking this is clearly your mind sending you a signal.”
“That’s bullshit, Ashley, and you know it!”
“Is it, though? Is it?”
I force myself to lower my voice to a whisper. The last thing I want is for Winnie to wake up in the middle of the night, in the middle of this conversation. “I didn’t choose to lose my memories because I secretly didn’t want to marry you.”
“Sure seems like it.”
“Well it’s… no. I do.”
Ash stands perfectly still, looking into my eyes, before then resuming his pacing. Outside, the birds are chirping their good mornings. “No, you don’t.”
I follow Ash around as he moves bits and bobs meaninglessly and I babble. “I… Yes, I do.”
“You don’t want to get married,” Ash states, opening and closing the closet. He stops, opens the closet again and pulls out a pair of underwear for me, and one for himself.
“You don’t know what I want,” I say, ignoring the piece of clothing he’s handing me.
“Yes I do, Ford. And your mind’s been pretty clear.”
I step closer then, placing both hands on Ash’s chest.
“I said, I do.” I give him a gentle push, surprising both of us.
Ash stumbles backwards so that he’s pressed against the wall. He looks so guilty, so fragile. His shoulders are curved inwards, his legs are stretched long. I want to eat him, shake some sense into him.
“I said, no.”
“You already asked the question though. So… I do.”
Ash bites his lower lip. “I’m taking the question back.”
“You can’t.”
“You don’t even remember how I asked you.”
I push him again, this time more strongly. Ash grabs my wrists at the last second, without losing balance. He squeezes, holding me close, and stands a little taller. His shoulders are pulled back, his Adam’s apple is right in my line of sight.
“Ask me again then,” I demand, looking up.
But Ash is unmovable. “No.”
“Ash.” Between gritted teeth, I plead “Ask me to marry you.”
“It’s not what you want. We’re good like this.” He lets go of my wrists and I bring my hands behind his neck, pulling him down. I stare into the blue eyes in silence before leaning in. Our foreheads are touching; the tips of our noses too.
Ash is shaking his head no, no.
“I do, Ash. I want to marry you. I want this family with you. I want it forever.”
But Ash is still shaking his head, unconvinced. Then, I get an idea. I step away from Ash, our eyes locked. I drop down on one knee and the floor is cold against my naked skin. “Marry me, Ashley Bergman.”
Ash’s lips part, but no sound comes out.
“Marry me,” I repeat, and this time Ash’s curling his hands into fists. I don’t know what to do with my hands. They feel uncomfortably empty. I wish I’d planned this better. But there’s never been planning my relationship with Ash.
“Don’t do this,” he says.
“I love you. I’m in love with you. Probably always have been.
” I stand and take a tentative step forward, closing the distance between us once again.
“Look at me. I’m still the same. I gave up my nickname when I was nine years old so that you could have it.
I kissed you when we were fourteen because I was dying to be your first. I liked you so much that you had me questioning my sexuality for almost a decade.
“And when you got with Jonathan, I thought he’d make you happy.
I stepped back, I was ready to give you up, even if it almost killed me.
I’d do it all again, if it meant I get to end up with you.
I want to spend the rest of my life with you and Winnie and I’m so, so sorry I forgot you. Please. Marry me?”
“You don’t want this life.”
I lift both hands up, frustrated. “This life is everything I’ve ever fucking wanted. This family, this future.” In a smaller voice, I add, “And I want it all with you.”
“Ford, this… this is a lot.” Ash drops his head, avoids my gaze. “It’s only been, what? Two months? Since the accident. You woke up to a completely different life. With a family, with me, with a baby. And you never chose this, you don’t-”
“I might not remember choosing it, but I did. At some point, I did. Apparently, I chose this when we got together. When I decided that you were worth whatever people were going to say. I chose this when we decided to adopt a child. And fuck, I kept choosing this every day after I woke up. I might not remember it but clearly, somehow, I did. And I choose this, right now.” I’m ready to continue, to give Ash all of the speeches that I need in order to have this my way, just like everything else I have ever set my mind to.
But Ash stops me with a low grunt. So typical. Pining for months and then almost annoyed at my declaration. “Okay, fuck. Okay, yes.”
“Yes, what?”
“Ford,” he warns and it makes me smile.
It makes me want to push his buttons just a little bit more. “I’m serious. Will you marry me?”
“Yes, yes, I will marry you. Idiot.” There’s a teasing smile on Ash’s lips, and it reminds me of something.
“Thank fuck.” Our bodies melt together and Ash is kissing me and it’s everything.
It’s the end of the world and at the same time, the beginning of it all.
Ash squeezes me in a hug and I get on my tiptoes and there’s a tugging in my chest that I just cannot ignore.
Pulling away, I place a softer kiss on Ash’s lips. “I love you.”
“I love you too. I never thought I’d be doing this stupid family thing but I’m glad it’s with you. So, so glad.”
My grin matches Ash’s and when I lean in to kiss him again, it’s like a switch.
One moment, my mind is in the deepest, darkest shadows. An empty room filled with unlabelled cartons.
The next, the light is on. The floor is swept clean and the boxes unpacked. Thousands of little pieces of life explode in my brain and I can’t control myself from lingering on one, then the other, then the other. I jump from flashback to flashback as Ash stares at me in confusion.
I sigh in relief. I’m done chasing the light.
My memories are back.
???
After months of navigating unknown waters, unsure of what I’m doing with my life in 2024, getting my memories back is surprisingly unamusing. I expected some grand moment and instead, the sound echoing in my ears is a sad, inopportune trombone. Womp-fucking-womp-womp.
The fragments flash before my eyes without rhyme or reason, the good and the bad and everything in between. They add up, building up the missing years piece by piece. And fuck, there’s things I’m not sure how I could forget.
How could I ever forget? How could I forget the days after Ash’s break-up with Jonathan? After months, years of not talking to each other, I just couldn’t believe Ash was back in my life and I had kissed him.
Me, Ford. Kissing my best friend, Ash.
In 2022 I was crushing hard and I wasn’t sure if I was making the right choice.
All those sleepless nights imagining Ash and I having a future, actually making a life together.
The hours I spent explaining to Vicky how impossible the idea of Ash and I was.
How frightened I was of losing my childhood best friend.
“But you are in love with him,” Vicky argues in 2022 from the other side of the world. It’s early morning in China.
“I am.” Because she has a point. But also, she’s not seeing my point.
“And you want to be with him.”