Chapter 25 #2
A firm nod. Thinking about the other night, I get a shiver.
I was so worried about losing my job and with it, losing my purpose.
How silly was that? A life without Ash in it, the years we’ve spent not talking to each other, not making each other happy.
That’s what’s been making me miserable. And now I could have it back, if I just get my shit together.
Vicky catches me daydreaming and laughs at me.
“Then why the fuck are you wasting your time talking to me? I thought we went through this already years ago. You want to be with Ashley. So go be with Ashley. You two kissed three days ago and you’ve called me at least five times since.
Get it together, Ashford. Get your man.”
“Always a pleasure, Victoria.”
“Get the fuck out of my face,” she yells, hanging up the video call. And so I do. I go get my man.
How could I forget that summer? Ash’s freehearted grin, the astonished expression every time he’d turn around and see me there, with him. Finally, his, in every possible way. How could I forget the first time I realised that Ash and I were made for each other?
Deep down I’d always known, of course. But there’s this one particular memory, shining brightly now that it’s unlocked.
It’s 2023, it’s Christmas Eve and we’re in my old apartment but I already know that I want to move out. I want to move out and move in with Ash and be with him the whole fucking time. I want to wake up with him and go to sleep with him and never leave his side. Ever.
Pushing him to lay on my mattress, I climb on top.
Fake it till you make it, right? I should be terrified of this, but I’m not.
I did the research, I’m all clean and prepared.
I grab Ash purposefully and line him up to my entrance, anticipation stealing the air from my lungs.
I hold Ash’s gaze while slowly, inch by inch, I sink down until Ash is fully inside of me.
It’s tight and painful and at the same time, the best thing in the world.
Time stands completely still as I stare at Ash, mesmerised by the feeling of him. Of us.
“So he is a bottom,” Ash comments, the rapid raising of his chest betraying his boldness.
“I’m still on top, twat.”
“Yes. Yes, you are,” Ash agrees softly. “One truth for one truth? I’ve waited my whole life to do this.”
“With me?” I ask, wishing my voice didn’t sound so insecure.
Ash confirms “Only with you. Merry Christmas, Ford.”
For the longest time, we don’t move. We let our bodies adjust to the feeling, to the rightness of it.
Then Ash starts to rock his hips up and I keep waiting for the inevitable begging.
Go faster, harder. But it never comes. Ash keeps staring at me patiently, lips parted and skin blotchy.
Even now, he’s letting me be in charge. I sigh, thinking about the day I will make him tie me up and have his way with me. Until then.
I’m not sure how on earth I have forgotten the way Ash grabbed himself in the end with a grunt, pulling out and aiming at my stomach.
“What the fuck are you doing,” I hiss.
Ash simply whines back.
“Go back. Come inside.” I choke out. “Please.”
???
There’s memories jumping around my head that are so pivotal, I can’t believe I could ever lose them. Some things should happen once in a lifetime and stay like a tattoo, permanent and beautiful and naturally, painful.
Like the day we first met Winnie in 2024.
Ash barely slept the entire week so much he’d been buzzing.
The days before our appointment, he invited my dad over for dinner and bombarded him with questions about being a father.
My dad smiled kindly as Ash went down his neatly drafted list. How can I be the right amount of kind, how do I make sure my child knows they’re loved unconditionally, how can I be a little less like Ashley Bergman and a little more like Gregory Hale.
My dad had laughed at that last question. “You are exactly who you need to be for this child, Ashley Bergman,” my dad said. And then he looked at me. “You too, Fordy. You both will make great fathers.”
The next day Ash and I meet Winnie for the first time. Our social worker introduces us and Winnie can barely stand on her two feet. She hides behind Sadaf and sucks on her thumb with a guilty look on her face.
Ash crouches to be on the same height as the little girl and it makes me laugh, how he went and asked my dad for lessons on kindness.
The way Ash smiles at Winnie, how he tries to greet her in English and then in a broken French.
The way he promptly picks her up when she holds her arms out, immediately trusting of this unknown giant.
I promise to never forget the concern on Ash’s face as he gets to hold Winnie for the first time.
While next to him, I burst into laughter. “I can’t believe we’re going to be parents.” I keep laughing until Ash relaxes and I notice his long hair falling on his face. I touch his arm, reaching for the hair bobble at my wrist. Ash tilts his head back, letting me gather his hair in a low bun.
“Parents,” Ash is telling himself and it makes me laugh some more. Then Winnie starts giggling with me and Ash looks at her, charmed and enamoured.
“Parents?” he says again, and this time it sounds like a question.
“You and me, man. You and me,” I confirm and then Ash starts laughing too.
It was insane. It was everything. We were fathers. We were creating a family and nobody could take it away from us. After that day, there was no doubt we wanted to have Winnie and would do anything to keep her. Together, we would fight for our happiness.
Some other memories, though, I wish they would have stayed in the void.
I didn’t need to remember Ash’s teary face as he came home one day in 2023, and started telling me about a call with his mother. She’d rang only to accuse him of brainwashing his brothers and turning them against their father.
I didn’t need to remember the reaction of one of my new colleagues in 2024, when I’d told them I had a boyfriend and we were, in fact, thinking of adopting. I definitely didn’t need to remember how they accused me of being degenerate and a mistake.
And obviously, I could have lived without reliving that time Ash found me sitting in the shower, water running down my naked skin. Panicking.
“I- uh, I’m… ah, I-… kids.”
“Baby. Ford. Look at me.”
But I can’t. I’m so lost and can’t stop the tears from falling, the limbs from shaking.
“Breathe.” Ash orders, pushing a very loud breath out. He does it again, and again, and then, it hits me.
He’s giving me a guide. So I do my best to match him. The air in our lungs syncs up, and it’s not the first time I have the impression Ash is saving my life. After what feels like forever, I lift my head. Exhausted, speechless, I find Ash, love and concern painting his beautiful face.
“Better?” he asks.
I can only nod.
“Cold?”
And only then I see that he’s fully clothed under the shower, wet and shivering himself.
Ash guides me out, towels me dry and sends me under the covers. He’s behind me in a heartbeat, arms hugging me to his chest. “Have you changed your mind about having children?” Ash finally asks in the dark.
I shake my head. No.
“Changed your mind about being with me?”
Headshake. No.
“Children with me?” Ash tries again.
No.
“Is this about the plate I dropped the other day?” Ash tries to suppress a smile.
My eyes widen in surprise but I know what Ash’s doing. I shake my head. No. Then, because I can’t help myself, I ask, “What plate?”
“Ah. That was a trick question.” His blue eyes are sparkling with pride. “Talk to me.”
“I want to learn how to braid her hair.” It’s Ash’s turn to be speechless. So I continue. “I want to feel like she belongs to us. Like we have every right to raise her.”
Ash hums in response, “Braids.”
Nevermind we’re two men, with no clue how to handle hair, let alone thick dark curls. I nod. “Braids.”
???
Back to the present and I have no idea how I got on the floor, on my knees.
I’m naked and sweaty, hot and cold at the same time and there’s tears running down my face.
I’m sobbing. Ash is wrapping his arms around me and holding me to his chest. His lips are pressed to my hair and he’s humming something warm and loving.
I never wanted anything else, since the day I met him. Should’ve known sooner.
I feel out of my mind as I start to laugh hysterically through the tears. Relieved.
“You’ll get me a ring, yeah?”
“Mmh.”
“Ashley?” I want to pull away, see what shade Ash’s eyes are on the blue-grey spectrum.
But he keeps me in place. “Yeah yeah, I’ll get you a ring,” Ash says eventually. Then he bites on the bare skin of my shoulder and I feel the grin against my skin. “Hopefully you’ll lose this memory,” he adds cheekily.
“Excuse your fucking mouth!” I wiggle to free myself. I slap Ash’s arm, close a fist and try to punch him.
But Ash’s hold is too strong. I fail. I don’t mind. “Too soon?”