Chapter 15
Xander
“Yes, Billie, don’t stop,” I tell her as she circles her hips on my cock.
“You like that?” She stops.
“Don’t be a tease.” I grasp her hips and move them myself.
She giggles, and her honey-colored hair falls against my face as she leans down and kisses me.
I pull her into me, groaning as she moves again.
“Faster, Billie,” I beg.
She moves faster, and my balls tighten.
“Oh, I’m so close,” I tell her.
She slows down. “Don’t you want to be with me more?”
“Of course I want to be with you more.”
“Good. Quit talking.” She speeds up then, out of nowhere, slows again.
“Fuuuuuuck, Billie,” I yell out.
“Come on, Xander,” she coos. “Quit, and I’ll give you more of this.” She circles her hips again.
“Yes. Do that.”
She stops. “If you want it, you’ll quit.”
Is she seriously withholding sex?
I push her off me, even though my dick wants to explode.
She narrows her eyes. “You don’t love me.”
“You know I love you, Billie.”
She glares at me. “If you loved me, you’d let my parents pay for your school, and you’d quit your paramedic job.”
I scoff. “If you loved me, you wouldn’t ask me to do something like that.”
“We never spend time together anymore. You’re making this choice.”
“Everything I’m doing is so we can have a good life. It’s all for our future.”
“You don’t need to be a paramedic anymore. Let my parents pay and go to school. We can see each other more.”
“No. I don’t accept handouts, and you know it.”
“Xander, I will not waste my twenties waiting for you.”
I jerk my head at her. “Waiting for me?”
“Yes. Sitting on the sidelines and only seeing you every so often.”
“What exactly are you saying? Why don’t you be crystal clear so I don’t misinterpret this.” I glare at her.
She softly replies, “You don’t love me anymore, do you?”
I roll my eyes. She’s just being dramatic. I pull her into me. “Of course I love you. I’ve only ever loved you, Billie.”
“Then quit.”
“I won’t do that, and you know it.”
She pokes my chest with a finger. “Quit, or we’re done.”
“Done?”
“Yes.”
“Let me get this straight. I either quit my job and let your parents pay for my med school, or we break up. No more Billie and Xander. Do I understand this correctly?”
She blinks back tears, puts her hands on her hips, and says, “Yes. Make up your mind because I’m tired of waiting.”
I take a deep breath. So this is what it’s come to? I step forward, wrap her in my arms, and kiss her then pull back. “I’m not quitting, so tell me you are not thinking correctly and are just emotional. I love you, Billie, and you love me. Tell me you are just venting right now.”
She shakes her head. “I am not emotional. I am not venting. I am thinking correctly. Quit, or we’re done.”
I jerk my head back in shock and shake my head. “No.”
Sadness fills her eyes. “I hope you get everything you want in life, Xander.”
“Billie.” I clasp her hand and try to pull her to me, but she yanks away. After throwing on her clothes, she walks to the door.
“Billie, you’re the only person I’ll ever love, and you know that. Don’t do this.”
With tears swimming in her eyes, she gives me a final look. “Goodbye, Xander.”
And then she’s gone. “Fuck!” I plop down and punch the pillow on the sofa, in shock for a moment, wondering if we are really done.
Out of nowhere, music plays. It gets louder and louder and finally is so loud, it snaps me back into reality. I sit up in bed, reach for my phone on the nightstand, and turn off the alarm. It takes me a few seconds to register I’m not in my New York apartment. Where am I?
I turn toward the window. Charlotte, sitting in an armchair, her knees curled into her chest, with her lip shaking and tears streaming down her face.
Oh God. What the hell did I just do?
I jump off the bed to go to her, but before I can get around the bed, she says, “Xander, you need to go.”
“Charlotte, I—”
She cuts me off, and more tears stream down her face. “Please, just go.”
“Charlotte—”
“Please, go,” she cries out. “I can’t do this. I thought I could, but I can’t. You’re in love with someone else. Please go.”
“But—”
“Please. If you care about me at all, you’ll go.” Tears are falling fast out of her eyes, and my heart breaks.
What did I say in my sleep? I wince.
“Please, just go,” she whispers.
I throw on my clothes and glance at her one last time. She points to the door, and I turn and leave.
It’s around three in the morning, and the cold darkness embraces me like a blanket, a stark contrast to the warmth and light Charlotte represents.
My hotel is several miles away, and I run as I beat myself up, over and over.
I hurt her. Again.
The dream replays in my mind. I hadn’t believed Noah when he told me Billie wanted me to quit and let her parents pay for my school. Now I do. I know it’s what happened.
But what did I say while I was sleeping?
I cringe, thinking about what I might have said, and how she could have taken it.
Fuck.
I should have stayed away from Charlotte. Until I learned the truth about Billie and me, I should have stayed away. My mind isn’t to be trusted right now.
But I never dreamed about anyone except Charlotte. Why did I have to dream about Billie when I was with Charlotte?
I curse myself, a million times, hating myself for the pain Charlotte has endured because of me.
When I arrive at my hotel, I’m full of self-loathing, sadness, and anger. My heart is beating hard, but I feel like it’s been ripped open.
I shower, sling my bag over my shoulder, and leave for work. I’m early, but I can’t stay in the hotel room because I need to pull it together.
The Uber pulls up, and I get in, wishing I was sitting next to Charlotte in her car. I put the palms of my hands against my eyes and try to figure out a strategy on how to not make her hurt any worse today when I’m around her.
When I get in the lobby, I have four mini blueberry muffins wrapped up, and I buy a coffee with cream and two sugars and put a stopper in it so it stays hot. I go to the locker room and open Charlotte’s locker with the code I saw her use the day before.
I set the coffee and bag in it, then lock it, and go to my locker.
It’s best if I’m not here when Charlotte comes in.
After I get ready, I read the schedule. I have two surgeries without Charlotte and the third one with her.
And just because the universe has to play cruel jokes on me, my first two surgeries are with Damon.
Awesome. I take a few deep breaths and remind myself I need to keep it cool where he’s concerned. The last thing I want is to lose my job and be back in New York.
I never thought I would want to live anywhere but New York, but now that I know Charlotte and that she’s here, there is no way I’m leaving Chicago unless she’s with me.
My perspective has shifted.
My reality is no longer the past.
My truth is no longer the same.
It hits me hard. Billie is my past. I haven’t loved her for a long time. While I did love her when we broke up, I don’t remember falling out of love with her. But I no longer care.
Charlotte is my future. She is who I love. Whatever I have to do to make her mine, and win her back, I will.
I pray she will give me another chance.