Chapter 17
Xander
I’ve been staring at the hotel wall since I got back. I’m not sure how many hours it’s been. All I see is Charlotte’s face and I hear only the pain in her voice. “I’ve been dying for six months... I need to stop hurting.”
Agony strikes through me, over and over, piercing my heart.
My alarm rings, snapping me out of my trance. “Meet with Vivian” pops up on my phone.
Shit. I forgot I’m scheduled to view apartments with Vivian today.
I go into the bathroom, jump into a hot shower, finish, and get changed.
Vivian has texted me an address, and I leave the hotel and hop into an Uber.
I go inside the lobby of the building, and Vivian is waiting.
“Hey, Xander.” She leans in and hugs me.
I smile at her. “How’s your day going?”
“Great. Yours?”
I’m about to lie but mutter, “I’ve had better.”
“Everything okay?”
“I messed up with Charlotte, and I don’t know how to fix it,” I blurt out.
Shit. Xander, shut your mouth.
Vivan gapes at me a moment.
“Sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything to you.”
Vivian grabs my arm and pulls me over to a grouping of chairs. “Sit.”
I sigh but obey.
“Tell me what happened, Xander.”
She’d never understand. “I can’t. It’s too bad.”
She puts her hand on mine. “I’ve known Charlotte forever. Better than Piper or Quinn. I’ve been her only consistent person in life. Tell me.”
Nervously, I mutter, “I hurt her.”
“How?”
“We’ve been in the same surgeries.”
“I heard.” Vivian pauses for a moment. “Xander, do you remember Charlotte?”
“I dreamed of her every night since the accident, but she was faceless. Then, last night, when I got to her apartment, I remembered making her pancakes in her kitchen.”
“You went to her apartment last night?”
“Yes.”
“And you’ve made her pancakes?” Vivian asks like she doesn’t believe me.
“Yes.”
“So you remembered? That’s good, isn’t it?”
“I don’t remember everything else. But we got past that and then...”
“Then what?” Vivian asks me quietly.
Blowing out a big breath of air, I admit, “I had a dream about when Billie and I broke up, and I talked out loud in my sleep. Charlotte was sitting in the chair, crying, when I woke up, and she told me to leave.”
“What exactly did you say in your sleep?”
“God, this is embarrassing.”
Vivian squeezes my hand. “Xander, tell me.”
“I may have been having sex with Billie and saying I love her in lots of different ways.” I cringe when I say it.
“In Charlotte’s bed?” Vivian cries out.
I put my face in my hands. “I’ve only dreamed of Charlotte before last night. And in the dream, Billie and I broke up. It made everything clear, but I was in love with Charlotte, and not Billie, before I even had the dream.”
“You’re in love with Charlotte.”
“Yes.”
“Not Billie?”
“I am not in love with Billie,” I stress.
“What did Charlotte say when you told her?”
“She wouldn’t let me tell her what the dream was about, and she kicked me out of her car when I was trying to explain.”
“When was that?”
“After we talked to HR.”
“HR?”
“Damon has been harassing her, and we had to report him today, so Charlotte and I got two days off work.”
“Damon is harassing her?”
“Yes. How did she ever date that douchebag?”
Vivian wrinkles her brow. “We only met him a few times, but he was really into Charlotte and seemed fine.”
My gut churns at the thought of him really into Charlotte.
Vivian laughs. “Don’t get jealous now.”
I growl, “He’s a dickhead.”
Vivian stares at me for a minute. “Xander, tell her you love her.”
“I tried to explain everything to her, but she told me she needs me to leave her alone. I’ve caused her too much pain.”
Vivian shrugs. “You did.”
“I swear it wasn’t intentional.”
“You don’t know what she went through.”
“Tell me.”
Vivian presses her lips together.
“Please. I want to know.”
“Limbo. She lived in limbo between grieving for you and keeping hope alive that you would come back to her. She loved you and probably still does.”
Closing my eyes, I think of last night when she told me never to give up hope.
And that’s when I vow no matter how long it takes, I’m never going to give up hope we will be together. Charlotte didn’t give up on me, and I’m not giving up on her.
Vivian stands up and smooths her skirt. “Come on. Let’s go see these apartments.”
A few hours later, and I’ve made no decisions. Every apartment I view, I think, “Would Charlotte like this one?” I think of our text messages, where she agreed to come look with me.
Vivian and I finally go our separate ways. I decide to walk back, and it begins to snow.
Charlotte’s voice pops into my head. “I wanted to ice skate in the winter, but we had to stay on the grounds of the orphanage after school.”
I stop moving, trying to remember when she told me that.
Her face pops up, and I realize it was during one of our FaceTime calls. She was sitting propped against her headboard, swathed in blankets, her nose was bright red from a cold.
“When I’m in Chicago, the next time it snows, I’ll take you ice skating,” I told her.
“Really? You ice skate?”
I laughed. “I’m a horrible ice skater, but I’ll risk it for you.”
Someone bumps into me, knocking me out of the memory, and I realize I’m standing in the middle of the sidewalk.
I get back to my hotel, grab gloves and a scarf, and take an Uber over to Charlotte’s. A woman carrying her chocolate-brown poodle leaves the building, and I grab the door before it shuts.
Please be home.
Too antsy to wait for the elevator, I climb the stairs and am soon outside her door. My mouth goes dry, and my pulse increases from nerves, but I knock as loud as I can.
The sound of the dead bolt unlatching hits my ears, and the door swings open. Charlotte’s eyes are puffy and red, and my heart bleeds again.
“Xander—”
“Get warm stuff on. It’s snowing, and we’re going ice skating.”
She freezes.
I don’t wait for an invitation but step inside and shut the door behind me. “Come on. I promised you. Let’s go.”
“That wasn’t in a text message,” she says quietly.
I nod. “I know. It was on FaceTime, and you were curled up in bed, sitting against your headboard.”
“What else do you remember?”
I search my memory. “Nothing else because some guy almost knocked me over.”
She furrows her brow at me. “You almost got knocked over?”
“Yep. I really shouldn’t stop and stand in the middle of the sidewalk. Especially in the snow.”
She bites her lip.
I notice she’s wearing jeans and a sweater. Good enough for ice skating. I open her foyer closet.
“What are you doing?”
“Trying to find your hat, gloves, and a scarf.”
“Do I get a coat, too?” she teases, and I know I’m back in the game.
Feeling better every minute, I find an electric-blue hat, gloves, and scarf on a shelf. I put her hat on her then beam at her. “That hat is the perfect accessory for your eyes.”
The sexy blush I love creeps into her face, and I brush my lips against hers in a quick kiss.
She holds her breath.
“What coat do you want?”
“The puffy black one.”
I slip it off its hanger then help her into it. I wrap her scarf around her and hand her the gloves. Stepping back, I check her out. “You’re missing one thing.”
“What’s that?”
“Shoes. You can’t go in socks.”
“Oh.”
In the back of her coat closet I find a pair of electric-blue snow boots. “These work?”
“Yeah.”
When she’s all dressed, I lace my fingers with hers. “Let’s go.”
“Wait, I need to get my keys and wallet.”
“You don’t need your wallet.”
She rolls her eyes and opens her purse and pulls out a credit card, ID, and keys, then zips them in her coat pocket. “Okay, I’m ready.”
I smile at her and clasp her hand and pull her through the door, hallway, and into the elevator. When the doors shut, I lean down to her ear and whisper, “There’s only one issue.”
She looks up at me. “Issue?”
I nod.
Her brows furrow in confusion.
“I don’t know where you ice skate in Chicago.”
“You didn’t take your tourist map?”
“Sorry, can’t say I have one of those.”
“You didn’t ask for one at the hotel?”
“Nope.” We step out of the elevator and walk through the lobby.
“You should. It’ll give you a good idea of where everything is.”
“I remember you telling me you would be my tour guide.” I’m laughing then freeze right next to the door to leave the building.
Charlotte puts her hand on my cheek. “Xander, you remember that?”
“Your voice is in my head, saying it, but I don’t have a clear picture.”
“We were in New York.”
I wrack my brain but can’t put anything around the memory. I shake my head in frustration. “I’m sorry. I only hear your voice.”
“It’s okay. Maybe it’ll come to you later.”
“This happened when I started remembering other things.”
“What do you mean?”
“Pieces of medical school, surgeries I was in, different things I had done with the guys over the years. It just would hit me, and, one day, I just seemed to have the entire picture. Well, not the entire picture,” I say the last part full of guilt and wish I didn’t have to. I’m worried she’ll get upset.
“This is a good thing, then.” She pats my hand, eyes full of hope, and I pray I don’t let her down.
“I think so.” Then, I put my arm around her waist and lead her out of the building. “Is it close enough to walk, or do we need a ride?”
“We can walk.”
The snow is coming down in thick, sticky flakes, and it doesn’t take long before it covers our hats. We are trudging into the storm, and, when I turn to Charlotte, she has snow-filled lashes.
I stop and pull her into me, bend down, and kiss her. We’re in the middle of the sidewalk, snow is coming down hard, people are bustling around us, but at that moment, she consumes me.
Our noses and cheeks are cold, but her lips are warm and soft, her tongue teases against mine, and she’s once again in my arms.
She laces her hands together behind my head, and I once again have this sense of the past, but I can’t place it and don’t even try hard. Desire to be hers forever races through me, and nothing feels more right than Charlotte.