Chapter 18 Raisa
RAISA
Many details remained to be addressed. Specifics about why I was here, what the Dubinins could do for me and Lev had to be figured out. More than anything, proper investigations into what the Rivera Family was up to would need to be completed.
In the meantime, in this state of limbo, Lev and I were granted permission to stay as guests.
Luka Dubinin’s mansion was large enough for plenty of visitors, but it was hard to see this behemoth of a home as anything other than a temporary shelter.
A fancy one, and a thoroughly secure one with the numerous Dubinin guards posted all over.
But it wasn’t a home. It wasn’t a real place to commit to, much like all the other locations I’d moved me and Lev to over the years.
I’d be a liar if I admitted to missing the small house that Lev and I had left behind outside Paris.
But I’d be admitting a bigger falsehood if I confessed to a desire to stay here for long.
Where would Lev and I go next?
Our stay would expire here eventually. I imagined that once Ivan and his family rooted out the source of trouble, they would ask me to leave.
And there was nothing lined up for me and my son after this.
I’d spent the last of my emergency savings just to fly to New York and get here.
Sure, my expenses were zero now. I didn’t have to ask for anything, provided with food, shelter, and clothing for both me and Lev.
Reminding myself that this was temporary was the only way I could keep myself rooted in a reality check.
It is what it is.
I knew that in coming here, I’d be stuck here for a while.
But what will be next?
Living here for the moment was a surreal experience.
Ivan told me and Lev that he had his own house, yet, he stayed here as a long-term guest as well.
Many discussions had to be going on behind closed doors, and each time Ivan was away, I had to assume he was reporting in to Luka. He was the Boss, after all.
For the next week, I did my best to get used to being near him.
To having him near Lev. The security here was top-notch.
Inside this house, I didn’t have to worry about anyone breaking in.
Still, I remained far too skeptical to trust Ivan on a personal level.
That was twice now that we’d caved to desire.
We blurred the lines between us by having sex.
I couldn’t begin to guess if it was messing with his head at all like it was mine, but I prayed that refraining from being alone with him was the wisest course of action I could follow.
Lev enjoyed the “vacation” of being here and getting to know the father I’d had to hide from him for so long.
My explanation of Ivan being a powerful and influential man likely didn’t smooth out my son’s anger that I hadn’t told him about Ivan earlier, but I could only focus on one step at a time, one fight at a time.
I stayed close to Lev, watching in the background as he played with Misha or spent time with Ivan. Not once did anyone try to separate me from my son. We still shared the same room among other guest rooms, all of them empty at the moment.
And in my watchful moments of keeping an eye on Lev as I awaited direction or answers from Ivan about what the Dubinins could do to keep Lev safe from any other crime family, I was well aware of the fact that Luka didn’t trust me.
He didn’t order me to report to him. He didn’t speak to me directly.
He was a busy leader, perhaps too important to deal with a headache like me and Lev.
Gabriella had just given him a baby boy, so both of them were preoccupied.
It was when I read between the lines that I grew more convinced that Luka didn’t want me here.
His stern looks weren’t promising either.
While Ivan colored with Lev in the garden one afternoon, I sat back at a wrought-iron table on the other side of the wide and open-air outdoor space.
Emil joined me. Alexsei strode up behind him, seeming to have the same intention of spending time with me.
“The last time I saw you, I was officiating your wedding,” Emil said with a cocky smile.
I rolled my eyes, determined not to smile at this jokester.
He was too laidback, like the world was his and nothing was out of reach or safe from his rebellious nature.
Between his rugged looks and smirking expression, I had no trouble placing him from before.
Like before, when he partied a bit with me and Ivan in Europe when I dropped out of my studies to spend all my time with Ivan, he carried the same devil-may-care aura and attitude now.
“Officiating an unofficial wedding,” I confirmed.
“So you’re the reason my cousin’s been a miserable mess for so many years.”
That won’t win me over. I was too jaded to take his word for that.
“Wedding?” Alexsei asked. I spent more time around him here, and with him being on standby as Misha’s father, I was more used to seeing this cousin. “You and Ivan actually—”
I shook my head. “No. No. We were just goofing around and pretended to get married. By his made-up authority to officiate.” I gestured at Emil, who smiled wider and shrugged.
“Huh.” Alexsei glanced at Lev and Ivan still coloring and laughing at something. “Could have fooled me. He acted like he’d lost his spouse all this time.”
Yeah, that’s still not going to work. He walked away from me, and he still hasn’t explained why.
“And you’d know how that goes.” Emil sobered with a look at Alexsei. “For real.”
“You lost your wife?” I asked. I didn’t want to pry, but since they mentioned it…
“You haven’t seen a wife around here, have you?” Emil asked sarcastically.
I flipped him off.
“Yes. I lost my wife when Misha was younger.” Alexsei didn’t offer any further details, but he didn’t need to. I heard the sorrow in his voice. He was still grieving.
“I’m sorry for your loss,” I replied honestly.
“How about that? A Petrov feeling sorry for a Dubinin.”
I scowled at Emil. “Yeah, you haven’t changed one bit. Still offering your useless observations and opinions, hmm?”
Alexsei sighed, perhaps more immune to Emil’s personality than I was.
“My wife was killed several years ago, and since then, I’ve been a single dad for Misha.
” He raised his brows. “Hey, that reminds me. Since I’m no longer the only parent around here, or single parent, I suppose, you should see about having Lev get back in school here. ”
I blinked quickly, surprised he could try to change the topic like that. Discussing his dead wife then a reminder about my son’s education? Maybe he was grieving more than anyone thought. As if he didn’t want to talk about his loss at all and would jump at any other subject.
“Well, I don’t know if you can call her a single parent.” Emil pointed at Ivan. “He seems awfully committed to making up for lost time as you hid around the world.”
Hmm. That proved that they were looking into all I’d told them. Emil was no doubt in charge of checking out my past as they determined what to do with this Rivera threat.
“I didn’t keep Lev from him to hurt him. I cut ties with all Mafia families and agendas to keep Lev safe from all of this.” I wished they’d understand. “Besides, Ivan left me. He walked away from me to be with that—”
Emil sat up, shaking his head and getting a cigarette out to light it. “He was never with that actress.”
Alexsei nodded. “He’s right. Ivan was never talkative about why he walked away from you, but he was never involved with that actress. It was a lie.”
“But why?”
Emil shrugged. “Ask him.”
“Because he wanted to be loyal to Luka and your family? Not me?” I was getting sick of the concept of having to fight for him to choose me.
“Ask him about it,” Emil said after blowing out smoke.
I wanted to. But in this limbo of a waiting game for what the Dubinins could do after the Riveras attacked me, I didn’t want to prevent Ivan from having this time to bond with Lev.
I saw how well they connected. I witnessed the father and son getting closer.
And I couldn’t be so cruel as to prevent Ivan from having this experience.
Nor could I live with myself for depriving Lev from meeting his father.
Each time I saw them together, I couldn’t bear to stop them from getting closer.
Lev had missed out on having a father figure all this time.
While it hurt a little to know I wasn’t good enough, just as his mother, I let my heart open a little bit for Lev to grow and expand his horizons. To learn how to let Ivan in.
But that in no way meant Ivan would let me in his life like he was doing with Lev. He was adamant that Lev was his son, his heir. But I was… just the woman he fucked. I was just the former flame who was filling a gap in his life right now.
Our families were still on opposing sides. Luka still wasn’t a fan of any Petrovs, me included.
I was hesitant to believe that Ivan wanted me back for good. He said those things last week in the heat of the moment, carried away with lust. Just like I was. In the light of the day, though, we were civil at best. I didn’t approach him, and he seemed more focused on Lev, not me.
Not us.
Be grateful, Raisa. Be grateful that you and Lev are safe.
Because like always… It just is what it is where Ivan and I stand. Wishing we could get over the distance of the last eight years for something more than this limbo status of life, I sighed and resolved to focus on what I could do now.
“So. School, huh?” I said, looking at Alexsei, who’d fallen quiet.
“Yes. Misha receives private tutoring, but they have group sessions too. In case Lev is used to a more structured education system.”
“He is. Or was.” I furrowed my brow. Enrolling him in any kind of a school would be a step toward assuming we would be staying here.
That seemed like too far of an advance to count on, and I didn’t want to set myself up for disappointment.
If I had to stay tough and strong and not lower my guard, I couldn’t be thinking in terms of some kind of fluffy, happily-ever-after.
For all I knew, Luka could determine that I can’t be trusted, and then what?
If Ivan has to choose between me and his family again…
Ha.
I knew how that one would turn out.
He was a Dubinin, and nothing else.
“I’ll think about it,” I replied. Now that the near future was on my mind, though, and I’d been in New York for two weeks, I wondered if I would ever hear from Kalina again.
I sent texts to her old number yet. Something about being back in the States propelled me to reach out to my distant cousin, but still, I received no reply.
I wanted to assume it was nothing more than a case of her having her number changed, but I wasn’t ready to push the issue.
If Luka found out that I was trying to contact Kalina or anyone else loosely associated with the family my father once led, it could be perceived as a sign that I was trying to have correspondence with more rivals of the Dubinin Dynasty.
Lev laughed harder at something Ivan said. Just seeing them smiling and so content was like a knife in the heart.
We were safe here. For now.
My son was happy. For now.
Because I was born the enemy, I would never know when something good like this could last and have any staying power in the trajectory of our lives. It’d been a messy, complicated ride so far, and I bet no one would blame me if I had a low sense of confidence in things turning out well in the end.