Chapter 20
Chapter Twenty
CHRISTIAN
Leaning back on the sofa in the sitting room, I sip coffee and pray for some relief from the constant headache. I remember now why I don’t let myself get drunk; I always suffer from the worst hangovers.
I glance up at the clock and see it's five to nine in the morning. I only managed to get about three hours of sleep this morning. I don’t think I could ever admit to my brothers how hard I crumbled when I got to my room last night. I locked the bedroom door, needing some time to myself, and broke down in the shower. I haven’t cried like that in years. Probably because I don’t think I have let myself feel what I did last night in years.
All I could see was the way I yelled and fought with my brothers and the way Jason had looked at me when we were fighting. But the most painful of it all was the look in Jasmine's eyes when I grabbed her.
“You’re hurting me.”
Those three words were like a knife straight into my heart. I always swore I would never hurt her, but last night, I not only hurt her physically, but I was hurting her emotionally as well. That’s something I don’t think I will ever forgive myself for.
Looking down at the bracelet on my wrist, which my girl gave me for Christmas, makes my heart ache. She called me her amazing Daddy, but I’ve been anything but. It just took me nearly throwing everything away for me to realise.
What the fuck happened to me last night? I lost control in a way I haven’t for a very long time. Even when Jasmine was taken, I didn’t lose it to the extent I did last night. I’m so ashamed of how I handled it all. It’s like as soon as I got home, everything just collapsed in on me. All the pressure I’ve been trying to hide from my brothers came to the forefront and boiled over drastically. I have a lot of apologising to do, as well as being honest with my family about how bad things have really gotten.
After Jasmine went to bed, leaving Jason and me, we agreed to leave it for the night and meet here at nine, knowing the others won't be up until at least ten. That gives us an hour to get a few things off our chests and for me to catch him up on a few things.
“Hey.”
I look up to find Jason walking in and heading straight to the coffee machine.
“Morning,” I mumble, closing my eyes as I keep my head on the back of the sofa.
“Hungover?” Jason asks as he approaches. I hear him sit on the sofa opposite mine.
“Yep.” I slowly lift my head and look at him, the hate I feel for myself increasing when I see the patchwork of bruising and cuts on his face.
“Fuck, Jas.” I sit up, place the mug on the coffee table and force myself to look at my brother. “Is your nose broken?”
“Yeah, reset it last night. It’s fine; nothing I haven’t had to do in the past,” he shrugs.
“That’s not the fucking point! I broke your nose! Shit!” Jumping to my feet, I start pacing with my head in my hands. All the guilt I was trying to push down rushing back to the forefront.
“Hey, it’s okay. Looks like I got you good, too.” I know he's trying to calm me down, but it isn’t going to happen. I can’t believe I attacked him like that; I wasn’t even that drunk by that point. I just lost control.
“Hey, stop.” I hadn’t heard him move as I paced around the sitting room. I lift my head to find him standing in front of me. He places his hands on my shoulders and forces me to look at him. “Speak to me. You’ve never had a problem before, so what's making it start now?”
He’s right; it’s always been me and him against the world. I love the twins just as much as I love Jason, but they were young when Mum got ill and then died. I took on the parent role with them more than with Jason.
He had been forced into this world the same night as me when he knelt there with a gun to his head as I was being forced to kill Jasmine's father, Connor Grant. Every time I think of him now, I want to be sick. His death has always consumed me, but now, knowing how much she missed him and knowing what taking him from her meant, and how she suffered without him there to protect her from her abusive mother. The guilt I’ve felt my whole life has become even more unbearable.
“Hey, where have you gone?”
Jason's voice brings me back to the sitting room and out of the warehouse, where everything started all those years ago.
“I’m sorry.” It’s all I can seem to say when I look at my brother's battered face. He’s right; I don’t look much better, but that’s what I deserve.
“I know you are, Christian. I have been waiting for you to lose it for a while now; I just never expected it to be to that extent.” He looks towards the open door. “Hang on,” he sighs before heading over to close it, checking outside for anyone else before turning around to face me.
“Last night, I agreed with you; I believed I was to blame for everything that had happened with Jazzy. I wasn’t arguing that part. It was the fact you tried to stop Maximus from going to see his fiancée when you knew he wouldn’t want to be alone after everything that had happened in that arena. You thought you could control everything, including our relationships with Jaz. It was you who drilled into us how important it was to never do that; then you did it to the point I thought Maximus was going to punch you,” Jason sighs as he rubs his own face, hissing as he catches his nose.
“Look, Jasmine is right; we have all been blaming ourselves for everything that happened with Taylor and our parents, so we all missed the bigger picture. Us turning against each other was exactly what the arseholes would have wanted. They wanted to destroy us and are succeeding from the grave.” He stops in front of me again, places a hand on my shoulder, and starts leading me to the sofas.
“Let's sit down like we said we would, and you are going to start from the beginning and tell me what's been going through that head of yours. Then we are going to decide on the next step in how to deal with all the shit we learnt last night before filling Jazzy in on everything.”
* * *
It’s five to ten when I stand to get another cup of coffee. We haven’t managed to get through much, thanks to my mini freak-out, which took up a lot of our time. We were then interrupted by Mrs Brown, who came in and left a hot tray of breakfast bits for us all, guessing we would be hungover. She was furious when she saw our faces. She even hit us with her tea towel, scolding us for fighting. We didn’t dare point out it was with each other. Whenever Mrs Brown acts just like a mother to us, which in all fairness is most days, it makes me miss our mother even more.
“Our lives would be so different if Mum were still alive,” I say out loud without thinking. Jason looks at me and smiles a little.
“Mrs Brown got you thinking about her?”
I nod, sipping my drink, not focusing on anything other than trying to remember how she looked or sounded.
“I don’t remember her voice,” I admit. “I will never forget the way she smiled, but I can’t remember how she sounded.”
“I do,” Jason says, looking into the corner of the wall where a picture of her is next to one of the four of us with Jasmine. “Do you remember that song she used to always sing?” I shake my head, but I do remember; it's one thing I will never forget. “I do,” he continues, turning his attention to the picture of Jasmine and Verity dancing. “I had forgotten too until I heard Jazzy humming it to herself the other day. It was like it opened a floodgate, and all the memories of Mum came back to me. Her baking in the kitchen, planting in the garden, and cleaning around the house with Mrs Brown. She used to sing it everywhere, especially when he wasn’t home.”
I shake my head, looking into my mug.
“I don’t remember.” I do; I just don’t want to. It’s always been something I refuse to reflect on. It’s too painful to think about, so I pretend it never existed.
“You will, maybe, when you are in a better place.” He looks back over to the photo of our mum and smiles. “I can imagine the fun she would have had with Jazzy. They would have been like two peas in a pod and up to all kinds of mischief, especially once grandkids started arriving.”
“They won’t have any grandparents,” I point out, realising it for the first time.
“No, they won’t. But there again, the ones that could have been alive would never have been allowed access to them anyway.” I can hear the venom in his voice and know he’s right. There was no way I would have allowed Tommy or Carol within ten miles of our kids.
“But they will have four fathers who love them more than anything else in this world.” Without meaning to, this has brought us around to another conversation I wanted to have with him.
“Do you think Jasmine still needs us to be her daddies?”
Jason's eyes widen for a second before a small smile appears.
“Did she scare you that bad last night?”
“You didn’t see the worst of it. She ripped me a new one, stitched me up, then ripped me open all over again!”
Jason laughs, trying to hide the smug look on his face.
“Yeah, she was brutal from what I saw.” He finishes his coffee and places the mug in front of him before putting an arm over the back of the sofa he’s sitting on. “Do you want to still be her daddy?”
“Of course I do! But she has grown so much in the last nine months; I don’t know if she needs us like she did.” I lean back into my own sofa and try to relax.
“When we decided to take on that role, she was lost, and we knew she needed guidance, even if it was much more than we originally realised.” Jason nods but doesn’t say anything signally for me to continue. “But now she’s thriving. She is smashing every goal she makes, whether it’s with her personal growth, dancing or the fact that she will stand up for what she wants now. As Terry said, everyone knows she’s becoming just as scary as we are.”
“If not more,” Jason laughs. I can’t help laughing in agreement.
“She’s amazing, and I worry that she thinks we want to control her, or we are holding her back.”
“She doesn’t, and I don’t think she would let us hold her back.”
“I know that deep down, and you know that, but it doesn’t stop me from worrying.” I rub my face and regret it as I hit a bruise. “Last night, when she told me to shut up and that for the duration of the night, I wasn’t her daddy, I was just Christian, and she was Jasmine, it hit me hard how much she might not be Jasmine the rest of the time. She might be the woman we think she should be, the one we moulded her into.”
“Then ask her, Christian. I know I will love her the same as if I’m her daddy or just her husband. The twins will love her the same as well, will you?”
“Of course I will. Whether I’m her daddy or not, she’s my whole world!”
“Then we will discuss it with her today. We will tell her that it’s now up to her whether we are her daddies or just Christian and Jason, her husbands.”
I nod, knowing he’s right; it’s time to approach the topic.
Her laugh fills the air before someone knocks on the door.
“Is it safe to come in?” Sean asks as Maximus and Jasmine laugh together. Jason looks at me and winks.
“No, we have the stripper from last night in here.”
My eyes widen simultaneously as the door flies open with such force that I worry it will come off the hinges.
“You better be kidding me!” Jasmine yells, storming into the room and standing before the two of us with her hands on her hips.
“Oh, someone's feeling brave!” Maximus whistles as he walks into the room.
“Braver than me,” Sean adds, smirking. Jasmine holds up one finger, silencing them both. She turns her attention to me.
“Sweetheart, can you see a stripper hiding anywhere?” I ask, waving my arms around.
“I know you wouldn’t dare have one here; that’s not the problem!”
“Then what's the issue, Angel?” Jason asks, sitting forward and smirking at her.
“That you even had one when I can’t!”
“We didn’t have a stripper,” I sigh before looking around at my brothers. “Did we?”
“No!” the others laugh.
I’m surprised when Jasmine walks over and slumps onto the sofa next to me, instantly leaning into my side. For a moment, I freeze before lowering my arm and wrapping it around her shoulder.
“You okay, Sweetheart?” I ask into her hair. She looks up at me and nods.
“Just tired.” She reaches up and runs a finger lightly over a bruise on my face.
“Did I hurt you?” I ask, looking down at her arm. She shakes her head and shows me both arms, knowing I need confirmation.
“I’m fine.”
Needing to calm myself before we go any further, I bury my nose in her hair and close my eyes, reminding myself that she is still here, and I didn’t fuck everything up royally.
“You both look like shit,” Maximus says, handing Jasmine a cup of coffee.
“Trust me; I feel like it in more ways than one,” I admit into Jasmine's hair before looking up to see Maximus looking at me. “I’m sorry to you all, but I’m especially sorry I tried to get between you and Jasmine last night. It won’t happen again.”
“Yeah, it better not because I will take a lot from you, Christian; you are my brother, and I love you. But if you ever try to stop me from going to Shorty again for no other reason than you say so, I will go full Jason on your ass.” Jason and Sean both laugh as Maximus smirks at me. I know he’s trying to keep the mood light, but his eyes tell me he means every word, and I don’t blame him.
“Tell you what, if I ever do it again, I will let you go one better.”
“Oh yeah, and what’s that?” Maximus asks, frowning.
“I will let you set Jasmine on me.” My brothers burst out laughing as Jasmine protests in my arms, which I tighten around her to ensure she can’t hit me. My body went through enough last night, and I’m aching.
“Damn, I wasn’t going to go that far!” Maximus laughs, winking at Jasmine before sitting down next to her.
“I don’t know how to take that?” she admits, sitting back with her arms over her chest, sulking.
“Take it as it’s meant, a huge compliment,” I say, kissing her head again.
“If you say so,” she sighs before sitting up and looking around. “Is there food?”
“Over there, let's grab some and then we can all have a long chat,” I smile at her.
“Sounds good to me; I’m starving,” Sean announces.
Jasmine stands and looks down at me in my seat.
“I’m glad you are okay, Daddy.”
“I will be Baby girl, and it’s all thanks to you.”
She leans down and kisses me. “I’m here to remind you that you are not alone whenever you need me to.”
“Thank you, Baby,” I smile as I kiss her again and stand up.
I watch as Jasmine and the twins head to the bar where Mrs Brown has laid out the breakfast bits.
“It will be okay; we can come up with a plan together. Just remember you are not alone anymore.”
I nod once and squeeze his shoulder.
“Thank you.”
“Stop thanking me. We have always had each other's backs. That will never change. Now come on, I want to grab some food before they eat it all.”
I laugh as the two of us go to grab some food, which the twins are already squabbling over. I look around at my family and realise Jason’s right. I’ve never truly been alone. I just didn’t realise that until I nearly pushed them all too far.