Chapter 45
Chapter Forty-Five
CHRISTIAN
I wake with a jump, my body slick with sweat, and the bed feels like it’s soaking wet. Wiping at my face, I realise it's not just sweat; tears are streaming from my eyes. The need to see my brothers and Jasmine consumes me as I jump from the bed, pulling the sheets from my semi-naked body as I nearly trip on the way to the door.
Last night, we all went to Jason’s room to make love to our girl. We were all a little tipsy and very much in love. He hasn’t got the biggest bed, so I left them all to sleep while I went back to mine. Now, I regret it more than anything because I need to see they are all okay.
Even though I know it was a dream, it felt so real. My heart’s racing as I throw open his bedroom door and charge in.
“Shit!” Jason jumps from where he’s sitting up in bed alone.
“Where are they?” I demand, looking around in a panic.
“Who? What the hell is going on?” Jason rushes to get out of bed so he is beside me.
“The others!” I turn to rush out of the room when I hear her voice coming from the bathroom.
“Blackbirds singing in the dead of night. Take these broken wings and learn to fly all your life.” Her voice draws me to her.
“That’s it,” I hear Jason say quietly, and I know he remembers it too.
“All your life.” I hear her sing as I open the door. Jasmine is standing in the shower, her head lifted as she washes the soap from her hair. “You were only waiting for this moment to arise.”
Hearing the words again brings every emotion I felt in the dream rushing forward. I must make a sound as Jasmine looks towards me and smiles. That smile, the light to my dark. As my eyes lock with hers, my legs turn to jelly underneath me as I remember her kneeling there, Carol, with a gun to her head, as she pleaded with me to kill her instead of my brothers.
“Daddy!” she rushes towards me, still soaking wet from the shower as I crumble to the floor. She lands beside me and grabs my face with both hands, just as Mum did in the dream.
“Daddy, what's wrong?”
Unable to speak due to the thickness of my throat, I pull her into my arms as I burst into tears. Burying my face into her shoulder, I cling to her, desperate to never lose her.
“Fuck, Christian!” Jason snaps as I hear Jasmine panicking. “Speak to me,” he places a hand on my shoulder, but all I can do in return is grab his hand and hold it tight. I open my mouth to speak, but all I can do is desperately gulp down air as I try desperately to catch my breath.
“Shush, Daddy, it's okay.” Her sweet voice gives me something to focus on as she cups my head and runs a hand over my hair from where she sits with my head now on her chest.
I’m vaguely aware of her whispering to Jason as she continues to run a hand over my head.
“I’ve got you, Daddy. I’m right here,” she whispers into my hair while leaning her head against my head. I don’t remember the last time I cried like this. Even after the stag party and all that happened when we got home, I didn’t break like this.
At some point, Jason pulls his hand from my grasp and walks away, promising to be right back. When he returns, he places something around Jasmine, and I realise she is freezing, wet, and shivering. It’s the trigger I need to drag myself back to her.
Without saying a word, I pull myself out of her grasp and pick her up as I stand.
“Daddy?” she asks, placing a hand on my cheek.
“I’m okay,” I reply in a raspy voice. I still feel like my chest is being crushed in a vice. I can't catch my breath, but I try to take slow, long ones as I sit on the chair by Jason's window; pulling a blanket from the bottom of his bed, I wrap it around her, ensuring she's warming up. I pull her tightly against me as she curls up and places a hand on my cheek.
“Where are the others?” I ask Jason, who’s sitting on the edge of his bed, watching me with bloodshot eyes.
“In the gym with Ryan, Ethan and Layton.” He leans forward and places a hand on my arm, looking concerned. “What freaked you out? Has something happened?”
I shake my head before looking down at Jasmine, who is looking up at me with tears sliding down her cheek.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, wiping her tears away.
“What for?” she asks, frowning.
“I didn’t mean to scare you.” I look up from her blue eyes and straight into Jason’s grey ones. “Neither of you.”
“What happened? I don’t think I have ever seen you like that,” he asks. I open my mouth to lie; it's instinct to tell them I’m fine, even when I’m not.
“The worst nightmare I have ever had,” I reply, tightening my arms around Jasmine.
“You’re safe; we all are,” Jasmine whispers, cupping my cheek as she forces me to look at her, and both of us still cry silently. “You are okay, Daddy. None of us are going anywhere.”
* * *
“Has he woken up at all?” The sound of Maximus’s voice pulls me from the deep sleep. Not long after I curled up on the chair with Jasmine, Jason insisted I lay on the bed while Jasmine got dry and into something warmer than a wet towel. Knowing it was to help Jasmine, I did as I was told. As soon as she was dressed, she sat next to me as I placed my head on her lap and held her legs to me as she ran her hand over my head. Promising whatever had happened wasn’t real, and they were alright.
“No, he curled up and hasn’t moved,” Jasmine whispers, still running a hand over my head.
“Do you have much to do today?” Sean asks, “Or are the girls taking over so you can stay with him?”
I hear Jasmine laugh with no humour under her breath.
“You think I would leave him, or any of you, like this? I don’t care if the wedding doesn’t go ahead at this point; I just want him to be okay.”
“I’m fine,” I answer, feeling Jasmine jump underneath me.
“Christ, Christian, you nearly gave me a heart attack!” Sean snaps, placing a hand over his chest as Maximus and Jason laugh.
Sitting up, I rub the sleep from my stinging eyes and sit next to Jasmine, who instantly leans into me. Wrapping my arms around her, I use the scent of her shampoo and warmth to ground myself.
“You good?” Maximus asks, watching me as Jason reaches for a water bottle and passes it to me.
“Yeah, it was just a messed-up dream, but it felt so fucking real it took me a while to realise that’s all it was,” I mumble before taking a deep drink from the bottle.
“Want to talk about it?” Jason asks. I look at Jasmine and the others before letting out a deep sigh. I want to say no and hide it all from them. It was just a stupid dream, after all. But even when I remind myself of that, it is still difficult to grasp as it felt so real. Busing myself by sipping my water, I quickly think about how much I want them to know.
“It started as Sunday morning. We were dressed and in the wedding tent, talking to the registrar. Nothing stood out; we were just there laughing and waiting for Jasmine. But when she walked down the aisle to me, and I went to take her hand from Terry, but he changed to her father.” Closing my eyes, I look up at the ceiling as I start to shake. I swallow back the sick that threatens to come up as I picture him glaring at me. I hear Jasmine gasp and take her hand in mine, unable to bring myself to look at her or the others.
“He was pissed?” Maximus asks, and I can’t help chuckling under my breath.
“Understatement of a lifetime.” I shake my head and continue to focus on the ceiling. “He refused to let me marry her, which was when all hell broke loose.”
I don’t look at any of them as I continue the play-by-play. When I get to the part about being forced to choose, I look at Maximus as tears fill my eyes again.
“I don’t think my relationship with Jasmine is more important than yours. If I’ve made you ever feel like that, I’m sorry.”
Maximus just stares at me for a moment with his arms crossed over his chest. The way his eyes widen, even if just a little, tells me there was some truth in that bit. It would explain why we’ve been butting heads so much recently.
“I know.” For a moment, I think he means he doesn’t forgive me, but then a tiny smile lifts one side of his mouth. “You can just be such a controlling arsehole!”
I laugh as the others snap at him. “He’s not wrong,” I point out as we smile at each other.
“I’m never wrong,” he winks before his smile fades. “So, who did you shoot?”
I shake my head as I remember how I felt lifting the gun and holding it to my head.
“I turned the gun on myself.”
Jasmine gasps next to me as Jason hisses through his teeth. I shrug as they all look like they are about to be sick.
“I’m not suicidal,” I point out, trying to get that point across. “I have no plans on ever going down that route.” I pinch the bridge of my nose as I lean my head against Jasmine’s, resting on my shoulder. “I would never choose between you guys. I will always take a bullet for you all.” I take time to look at each of them, the four people I love more than anything and know I would do it if I had to. I will always look after them.
“Is that it? That’s when you wake up?” Sean asks. I consider telling them about Mum but, for some reason, decide against it. I will one day, but not yet.
We stay silent for a moment; they give me the time to breathe, which I need right now. Before I get a chance to be asked any more questions, I climb off the bed and stand in front of my brothers, promising with one look that I have their backs and that I always will, before walking out of the door.