Chapter 6
Lily
I t had been a while since I'd heard her voice in my head.
Pfft. It had been a while since I heard her voice at all.
I thought I'd missed it. In its absence, I was able to create an organized chaos in my head that worked for me. That made me believe I was stronger than I am.
But I'd wandered into one of the empty rooms and slammed the door, needing a moment of silence as my intrusive thoughts illustrated a moving picture of me bashing my head against one of these freshly painted pastel walls and watching my blood turn it into an ugly, stained crimson.
What was I expecting? That she'd wrap me in her arms after coming out of her catatonic prison and thank me for all I did to help her, that she'd be happy to meet my men, or at the very least, that she'd match my fury at Terry Thornbread after she heard what he did to me? She didn't protect me from him all the way back then; what possessed me to think that she might protect me now, even in his death?
I'd let myself become so consumed with hate for my sperm donor that I forgot to focus on the reason she kept him around. I chalked it up to fear for her life and mine, but I conveniently forgot the part where she still wanted him around, despite everything. She chose to stay with him, chose him over me, us, the life we could have had, if she had the balls to leave. But, no, as long as she could escape the pain through drugs and fashion a reality out of her delusion, she was set.
I picked up yet another expensive vase and wished desperately that it was cheap. The weight of it felt so nice, I just knew it would create beautiful music when shattered into sharp ceramic pieces. Fuck. I'd struggled with his anger infecting my blood for as long as I could remember, and it was bubbling within me so hot that I craved numbing, the need to also find my escape in drugs. I hated that I was so much like them, that I was forever soiled by their genes. I'd tried to be different, I had.
But I was just so mad. And hurt. And disappointed.
Why couldn't I just drown her voice out?
If you think I'm kidding about how bad it is, I'll show you just how deep her words needle into my skin and bones, my fucking molecules.
This is how bad it is.
Her statement about my men was utterly ridiculous, yet her mocking voice was on repeat in my head, harassing me to believe her, to doubt my men, to question everything I'd ever known and replace my own beliefs with hers.
Lucky for me, the door creaked open and an unexpected sigh rushed from me. Silence and isolation were overrated. As long as it wasn't my mother...I turned around and another wave of relaxation crashed through me. It was just Matt.
"What ya got there?" He gestured to the vase I forgot I was still holding.
"Oh." I gasped at myself before putting it back gently, even though it was mine as well. I wouldn't have forgiven myself if I'd flushed thousands of dollars down the drain.
"Went back in to check on you. The nurse said you stormed out." His voice was gentle, his face kind as he strolled over to me. "You okay after the whole Ryan thing?"
My belly crunched and rumbled. I frowned up into his face as he wrapped warm arms around my waist. My body sighed from the reassuring contact. "I don't think I have any room to judge him after all. I lost it with her, Matt." I groaned and dropped my head, too ashamed of my actions to look him in the eye. I'd been telling them how fragile she was, and that's why I was so emotionally fragmented.
I expected judgment. Instead, I got a slight lower back massage and concern. Man, I loved him.
"What happened?" His blue eyes searched mine as I braved the journey back to eye contact.
"I fucked up. She was just so heartless. Pressed my buttons and I lost it. I was trying to keep it together, I really was. But she kept praising him." I bared my teeth. "And now I don't know if I went too far, if she's going to turn to drugs again to cope with the pain, go back into her catatonic state..."
"Hey, hey." He cupped my face, his thumb strokes soothed me and broke me all at once. Tears started flowing and he hissed, pulling me closer to his lips and kissing me until my body was confused about whether it wanted to cry or scrap sadness all entirely to focus on the thrills he was sending through my body. When I moaned and pressed my body into his, he pulled back with a grin, his cheeks pink. "Better?" He asked.
It was better when he was kissing me. He silenced the storm that was starting to crash over me again.
He ran his hand through my hair, the scar there, healed and its stitches removed. "She's not in her right mind. You shouldn't take her words personally."
"I know. I'm a shit person." I groaned.
"No. You're selfless." He cupped my face. "That's why I fell in love with you, you know? I watched you with her, even though she neglected you, and considered how disconnected I am with my parents. I thought, 'I want some of the goodness Lily has'."
"What are you talking about? You guys are the good ones. Perfect." I swooned, my heart filling from his compliments.
Matt's face tensed and his eyes went dark. It made me wonder what secrets he still hadn't yet shared with me. "Not perfect. Far from perfect."
He couldn't look at me now, but I reached up and mirrored his gestures, cupping his cheek and turning his face back to me.
"Well, you're perfect for me." I smiled.
He smiled back, but it didn't quite reach his eyes.
What was he wrestling with? As soon as I asked myself the question, my mother's ridiculous voice intruded.
'Murderer!' The intrusive voice shouted and I flipped it off, holding him tighter. My parents might have a way of making me question everything good in my life, but I'd only grip these men tighter and refuse to let them go, their voices be damned.
"As I was saying." He directed the attention away from himself, but I leaned into him more, complimenting him with my body if he wouldn't accept my words. He smirked as I let my hands continue a slow dance up his soft grayish-blue T-shirt to loop around his neck. He lowered his head to get me to force my gaze away from his lips and back into his eyes. "You're selfless, but you're also human."
The heaviness found my stomach again.
"You're a woman who has endured too much at the hands of the people who are supposed to love and protect you. You've just been through something horrific." He stroked my head again, his fingers grazing the raised but healed scar. "It's understandable if you lash out every now and then."
"But she's also been through something horrific," I reminded him and myself.
He nodded. "Yes. She has. But you can't be held responsible for whatever happens next. Whether the shock sends her back into a catatonic state or whether she turns back to drugs..."
My heartbeat thudded and I gasped. He took my chin to keep my eyes on his.
"You are not responsible for your mother's actions anymore." A wave hit me. "You can let that go, Lily." A breath rushed from me. "She has a nurse now. She has access to all the medical professionals she may require. Ethan and I will make sure of it." He nodded as my tear-filled eyes questioned him. "You can let go of the guilt and the sense of responsibility. Whether she wants to stay or leave, you don't have to worry anymore about the consequences of her choices. You do what's best for you. You're in your 'focus on Lily' era and we're all here to support you. Your mother will be okay."
That she would be okay was hard to accept. But, letting go of the control over her actions, my actions that might trigger her, that was something I needed to be willing to embrace. I had a choice now. I didn't have to be around her energy if I didn't want to be.
And right now, I didn't really want to be.
"I've made a decision. Will you come with me?" I asked him.
"Of course." He nodded.
Hand in hand, we left the room and I found my mother again sitting by the window, alone, staring deadpan out at the garden.
I gulped. "Are you okay?"
She jumped and turned to look at me, waking up the hairs on my skin. My mother looked from me to Matt and down at our joined hands with a scowl, cementing my decision.
"You're right. I think it's best if you leave. I'll pack your stuff for you." I hardened my voice and dug my heel into the ground.
For a second, her pupils narrowed and her eyes went wide.
"And you're staying?" she asked.
"Of course. This is my home." I squeezed Matt's hand and he pulled me closer, wrapping his arm around my waist, giving me the courage I needed.
My mother's lip curled. "You're choosing them?!"
"I'm choosing happiness," I nodded.
She scoffed. "Just you wait and see. One day all of this is going to crumble around you and you'll be crawling back home."
The fire-breathing dragon I inherited from her awakened within me and I got heartburn trying to push against it. As I wrestled with the monster, Matt brought me back with a squeeze on my hip.
"That will never happen," he asserted. Respectful. Hot.
Could we sidestep all this shit and go fuck already?
"I'll never step foot in that house again." I breathed a lungful of air. "I wish you the best, Mom."
With that, I headed to her room. Together, Matt and I packed up her stuff. The sooner she left, the sooner I could focus on doing what I loved...who I loved...while I figured out who the hell I was without my mother.