Chapter 30
Ryan
L ast night was rough. It was the most desperate I've been. Strolling through the bars was painful. You'd think as a bisexual, my options would be limitless. And you'd be wrong. But no worries, sometimes I think the world is my oyster when it comes to dating or hooking up too. Even I get caught up in the delusion. Why do you think I haven't rushed into anything for months?
If I vibed, great. If not, no big deal. Except last night was very much a big deal as I cruised the streets, looking for anyone who might get me excited. No such luck. And it wasn't because I couldn't find anyone down to fuck. It's just that I wasn't down. I'm not down for anyone else. I'm caught up in this Eric and Lily web, and I don't know my way out.
After spending the rest of the night alone in my hotel bed, left to my thoughts, I decided that I could be a whiny bitch and sulk over what I can't have or man up and face the facts. I chose both. I didn't know what game they were both playing last night. Eric had to be on one, calling me like that while fucking Lily. And her gazing into my eyes as he fucked her. I might be the one reading too much into it, but whatever the case may be, some boundaries needed to be set.
I stepped into our next Airbnb, cap covering my eyes. It's too early in the morning. The sun's barely risen. The gray cast is still wrestling with peachy twilight. Would be a darling time to pick up my camera, but I'm not in the mood. I have to get something off my chest. But first, I need some coffee before I get involved in any conversation.
Flipping on the lights, I head into the kitchen.
"Ahem."
A voice startles me. Clutching my chest, I spin around to find Eric, eyes red from lack of sleep, sitting on the gray couch, clutching a red cushion.
Ah, shit. Guess it's a no on that caffeine before conversation then.
"What the hell are you doing, sitting in the dark?" I yelp.
He gets up, stretches, and crosses the room toward me. I stop breathing, the memory of yesterday still vivid. Is he going to knock me out? Instead, he steps past me and pulls out two coffee mugs. With a deep breath, I move on to the coffee maker.
"So, about yesterday." I turn to face him, the whirring and subtle vibration of the coffee maker behind me.
"About yesterday." He nods, crossing his arms across his chest and leaning up against the white counter over bleached gray wood.
"I was out of line. I shouldn't have said what I said about your... about Lily. I overstepped." I gulp.
"But you still felt it, didn't you?" he asks.
I drop my gaze from his, and he does one of those chuckles where I can't tell whether he's laughing because he found something funny or he's trying to hold himself back from wringing my neck.
"Seems like you weren't the only one either. I mean, what the fuck, guys?" he says.
His reprimand doesn't sound like one. There's still that light, airy lift to his tone. That's unnerving. I thought he'd take this a lot worse. I raise my head and study the disbelief drawing lines across his forehead. But he almost looks amused in the tilt of his lips.
"You're not mad?" I furrow my brows.
He took a deep breath and swept back a few strands into his low man bun. "I don't know what I feel, which is what worries me."
"Wow, having the chillest dude on the planet as my best friend is a stroke of luck. Anyone else might have lost it," I mused, trying to grasp his calm demeanor. I was shocked at the contrast between his reaction and how I would feel in his place – betrayed and resentful.
My curiosity was piqued by his vague words. Was he uncertain about us, or about her?
"What do you mean?" I asked, pouring my coffee, before we're interrupted.
"Oh. I thought I heard voices." Matt dragged his bare feet across the carpet, scratching his short, brown hair. His anchor tattoo was visible on his bare chest, and his sleeping shorts swung around his knees. "What are you doing back so early? Thought you spent the night at Lily's," Matt said, glancing at Eric as he ventured to the fridge for a bottle of water. How was he not freaking out right now?
"No. She said she needed some alone time." Eric studied the drink swirling in his mug.
Matt paused mid-drink, gulping down the water settled in his mouth, and removed the bottle from his lips. "You don't think it has anything to do with yesterday, do you?" His cheeks flushed.
Oh, so he did remember.
Eric nodded and took a sip from his mug before answering. "It might. And I feel so damn awful about it."
My heart sank. For all my jealousy, I didn't want to see Eric in pain and blaming himself. I reached over and gripped his shoulder. "It's not your fault. We're the ones who should've been more respectful."
He shook his head. "That's not it."
"What is it, then?" Matt asked, looking at me like, 'why the hell is he so calm right now?' He pulled his eyes away when Eric turned to look between us.
"It's best if I say what I have to say to all three of you." He sighed.
My body tensed, my pulse hammering in my chest. "Leave us in suspense, will you?" My laugh was mirthless as the unknown became a beast.
Somberness hung over all four of us as we gathered in the room. A group discussion? It's kinda like he's rounding us up to denounce us as his friends altogether. Every moment of selfish lust I've had since setting eyes on Lily lingered in the silence. I'm about ready to fall on my knees and beg him for his forgiveness when he finally speaks.
"So, it's no secret I heard all of you yesterday, and I've been battling with how I'm supposed to react since. I'm disgusted..." he began. My stomach turned. We all dropped our heads, shame thickening our skulls. "with myself," he continued.
Ethan, Matt, and I looked at each other. "We've already been over this. We're the ones who should be apologizing," I insisted.
He put a hand up, nodding. "Please. Let me finish. You're my best friends, the only people I can talk to about this. Which is awkward to say the least. I don't want you to think I don't love Lily..."
Crossing my arms across my chest, I narrowed my eyes as the other guys moved closer to him.
"Where are you going with this?" Ethan asked, taking a seat next to him.
"Don't get so excited," Eric scowled.
"I'm sorry. I'm not," Ethan said, raising his hands.
"I love Lily. I always have, and I always will. That will never change," he affirmed.
"So, what's the problem then?" Matt asked.
Eric gulped. "It's just... If I love her as much as I believe I do, I should be more upset with you guys for getting hard over Lily, shouldn't I?" he spoke into his chest.
"Uh. What are you trying to say, Eric?" I stepped closer.
He looked up and around at us, recalling our presence. What he said next took my breath away. "I don't hate the thought of sharing her with you," he confessed. The room grew brighter at that as I balked at him, hardly able to contain my excitement. Without understanding what any of this meant, Ethan's heart nearly jumped out of his mouth, and Matt's lips twitched into a smile. The three of us were speechless.
Eric's face reddened with his confession as he awaited our judgment. "But she'd never go for that. You don't share the woman you love with other men. You do that with someone you don't care that much about. Why, though? Both women would be equally as valuable." He dropped his head in his hands. "But she wouldn't see it that way. She'd think that I love her less or something."
"That's why you called me," I said, getting my mouth to work again and verifying my suspicions.
He hung his head. "Yeah."
Whew. All the weight of resentment that had been resting on my shoulders fell away. All for nothing, I could've lost my best friend if he were a different man. Sinking down next to him, I wrapped my arm around his shoulders.
"If it's any consolation, it didn't exactly look like she hated the idea," I said.
"Yeah, well, there's a difference between teasing an idea and full-on introducing several other 'someones' to the bedroom," he said.
My cock hardened at that. It shouldn't. This was a serious conversation.
He pulled away from me and stalked across the room. "I didn't know I was a pervert. We're all perverts."
"Okay. Calm down. You're not a pervert. You have nothing to be ashamed of. For a lot of people, this is normal." Matt shrugged.
Ethan nodded.
"In your filthy rich circles, I'm sure orgies are normal. But this is more than just an orgy situation with any old random you can find at a sex club. I'm only comfortable with the thought of it because it's you guys. With Lily's history with men, I doubt she'd be as comfortable with it. I don't know why I've even brought it up." He paused and reached for his phone. "It's her." He read in silence, and we hung on every second before he raised his reddened eyes to look at us. "She just broke up with me." He sniffed and cleared his throat.
Speechless, we all looked from one to the other. We must have made her uncomfortable as hell. "No." I stood up. "We'll all go over there." I gestured to Ethan and Matt. Eric shook his head. "We'll apologize for objectifying her and not respecting what you both share," I continued, but he raised his hand to shut me up, his jaw tense.
"She doesn't want to see us. Okay? Said thanks for everything..." He read the text aloud. "But it'd be best for her and me if we went our separate ways. 'Don't call. Don't text me. Don't show up on my doorstep unannounced.' He cleared his throat with aggression. 'I'm sorry. Please respect my decision.' I... uh. I'm sorry. I need a minute." He waved us away before grabbing his keys and heading out the door.
Well, that just took a left turn. I sank in the couch cushions, my head in my hand as I groaned aloud. We had crossed the line... bad. Fuck.