30. Ryker
Ryker
Ten Years Ago
Today was the tenth anniversary of my mother’s death, and I was leaving for college the next day.
I figured I might as well ask my dad what had happened that night.
I wanted to know. I wanted to understand if it was that night that shaped who I was.
I wanted to somehow reach the parts of me that had been locked off my whole life.
I didn’t like being the cold, uncaring guy.
I had so many feelings inside, but I didn’t know how to express them or get them out.
I didn’t know how to be open. And the older I got, the more uncomfortable I was about love, relationships, and getting too close.
I’d dated some girls who had bawled their eyes out when we’d broken up.
They’d cried and told me they hated me and loved me and wanted to die, and it scared me.
I didn’t want to make anyone feel like they weren’t enough just because they weren’t what I wanted.
I mean, if I were honest with myself, I didn’t want to get emotionally involved, period.
That was not who I was or who I would ever be.
I’d never been in love. Never even thought I was close and was glad for it.
I didn’t want that power over anyone, and I didn’t want anyone to have any power over me.
“Dude, what are you doing?” Parker hit me on the shoulder. “Let’s go.”
“Hold on, I need to ask my dad something first.”
“Hurry up. The guys are waiting.” Parker frowned and looked at his watch. I knew he didn’t care about the guys waiting as much as he cared that Lisa, the head cheerleader, was into him and also waiting at the bowling alley for us.
“Dude, chill. I’ll be back to talk in a few minutes,” I said and left him in my bedroom and headed toward my dad’s study. I knocked on the door and waited for him to let me in.
“Dad,” I said as I opened the door and walked in. He was sitting at his large mahogany desk, drinking a glass of what I supposed was whiskey or bourbon, and staring at a contract.
“What’s going on, Ryker?” He looked up at me and then back down at the contract.
“Can we talk?” I asked him as I walked over to the desk.
“I’m going over a contract.” He frowned. “Can we talk later?”
“No.” I shook my head. “I want to talk now.”
“I’m really quite busy.” He took a sip of the warm brown liquid in his crystal glass.
“This won’t take long,” I said, and placed my fists on the desk in front of him and leaned into his face. “I want to talk now.”
“What do you want to talk about?” He put his glass down and then gazed at me, his face void of expression.
“I want to know about the day Mom died,” I said and waited for him to react, though he didn’t even blink.
“Okay.” He shrugged. “What do you want to know?”
“What happened that day? Why was she so upset? Why did she take those pills?”
“Your mother had issues. Suffered from depression. Who knows why she did what she did.”
“That’s not a good answer, Dad.” My eyes narrowed, and I looked at him coldly. “Why did she hate you? Why was she crying? Why didn’t you seem to care when she died?”
“I loved your mother, Ryker.” He leaned back, picked up his glass, and took a long sip. “She had her issues. I got tired of dealing with them. I referred her to shrinks. She was on medication. I did everything I could, but she didn’t get better. That’s not my fault.”
“What issues did she have?” I banged on the mahogany. “Give me something, goddammit. I need something concrete.”
“Your mother was mentally imbalanced.” He shrugged again. “Maybe she just had a few screws loose. You should be glad you don’t have that same issue.”
“Don’t say that.” I stood tall. “You’re an uncaring, unfeeling asshole. You drove her to that, didn’t you?”
“Drove her to what?” My father sighed and leaned forward again.
“Why are you so emotional, Ryker? That’s a trait you get from her.
You can’t let emotions screw with your head in business.
Emotions make everything gray. You need to deal with the black and white.
You don’t think your mother’s death hurt me?
You don’t think I wondered every single day what I could have done to make it so she didn’t kill herself?
You don’t think I would have done anything I could have to have stopped it?
But she wasn’t rational. She was always in her head.
Overthinking things. Overthinking life. Overthinking everything I said and did.
Every little thing I said. Everywhere I went.
She had issues. She wanted to know where I was at all times.
Who I was talking to. She was jealous. She was emotional.
She loved me too much. She loved with her head in the clouds.
All she thought about was love and me. I was her life.
It was too much. I had a business to run.
I couldn’t be her life. I couldn’t be her reason for being.
She lived for me, and I lived to make money.
It wasn’t a good match. I didn’t realize that at first. Not until it was too late.
I couldn’t deal with it. I couldn’t deal with her.
I had other women, yes, and that killed her. ”
“So you cheated on her?”
“It wasn’t personal.” He shrugged. “I still loved her. I was still married to her. She was my wife. She was the mother of my child. I built this empire for you. And for her. She had it all.”
“She had it all, but your love.”
“Son, I’m going to give you some advice today that I wish everyone gave their child.
Love is a construct. Love is something that people put in their heads to make themselves feel better about their lives.
Live your life without love; it will make you feel a lot better.
It will make you a man. You’ll appreciate everything that much more—trust me.
Don’t fall in love and don’t let anyone fall in love with you.
It’s for the best. All love does is ruin lives—either your life or another.
If there’s one thing you ever take from me, it should be that.
Don’t ever let love ruin your life or someone else’s.
That’s what killed your mother. Love. Love ruins everything. ”
“That’s all you have to say?” I waited for him to respond. He took another sip of whiskey and looked back at his contract.
I walked out of the office.
“I’m ready,” I said to Parker as I walked back into my bedroom.
“Finally,” he said and jumped up with a grin.
“Yeah, finally,” I said and smiled, my heart feeling worse than it ever had before.
Present Day
There’s this dream that I have. This dream of one day being able to say exactly what I’m thinking, exactly what I’m feeling, exactly what I’m wanting.
There’s a burning hope inside me that one day the words will come easier, the fear will be less intense, and the deep yearning will not feel like it’s attached to my very essence.
I want to tell her one thing. I want to tell her I love her.
I want to tell her that I think of her every morning and night.
I want to tell her that I can’t get her out of my mind.
I can’t sleep. I can’t stop the racing of my heart when she smiles at me.
I can’t stop myself from smiling in response.
I wish all her smiles were for me. I want to capture them in a jar and release them every time I feel down.
I want her to know that she makes me feel things I didn’t know I wanted to feel.
I’m not sure how to tell her I’m not good enough.
I don’t know how to tell her that I don’t know that my love is enough.
I don’t know how to tell her that with every beat of her heart I feel life inside of me.
I don’t know how to tell her she’s my soulmate.
So I don’t.
I watch her and wait. Wait to see what’ll happen.
Wait to see if she can read my mind. Wait to see if the feelings will go.
I hope the feelings will go. I don’t do love.
Not like this. Not when I feel like I can’t breathe.
So this dream, this dream that keeps me up at night—it’s all I have.
It’s all I need. And every day, I feel myself losing her just a little bit more.
And every day I feel myself loving her just a little bit more.
If she could read my mind, she’d know. She’d know that she’s it for me.
I don’t know if I can ever be it for her.
“So, what’s up?” I asked Parker as he sat in my office.
“You know what’s up.” He glared at me.
“Not really? The sky? The sun? The clouds?” I joked and looked at my watch to indicate that time was running out, and I had work to do.
“This thing with Mila. I don’t really know what’s going on, but I know that there’s something that doesn’t add up.” He stood and started pacing. “What game are you playing, Ryker?”
“You know I have feelings for Mila,” I said stiffly.
“I know that this engagement isn’t real,” Parker said, his voice getting angrier. “Nonno called me last night. He’s not sure exactly what’s going on, but he’s concerned. He asked me to look out for Mila.”
“I don’t know what to say, Parker.” I shrugged and looked away from him. How could I explain to him what was going on? I couldn’t tell him the truth. I wondered if this whole thing would cost me the best friend I’d ever had as well.
“You need to stop playing with her feelings, Ryker.” Parker’s anger was evident in his voice and face. “This isn’t just a crush for Mila. She loves you.”
“She doesn’t know what love is.” I gritted my teeth as I stared at him. “She knows the score.”
“You’re my best friend, dude, but I swear to God . . .” Parker’s face grew redder, and his fists were clenched.
“What?” I got right in his face. “You want to hit me?”
“Yes.” He scowled. “I want to hit you.” He took a step back. “But I’m not a hypocrite.”
“What are you talking about?” I realized that not only was he angry with me, but he was angry with himself as well.
“I haven’t exactly treated Lara well.” He shrugged. “Maybe we both just suck.”