29. Mila #3
“Oh, Nonno, I know. I know how much you love me.” I gave him a half-smile. “You’re the reason I’m such a hopeless romantic.” I laughed. “If it weren’t for all your and Nonna’s stories, I wouldn’t want to believe that true love existed. I wouldn’t be such an idealist.”
“So, tell me what you’re thinking.”
“Sometimes, I think he could love me,” I said, my voice echoing all the hope in my heart.
“Sometimes, he looks at me with a light in his eyes that makes me feel like I’m the only person in the world, but then .
. .” My voice trailed off as I looked out at the ocean and watched the waves crashing into the rocks, close to the pier.
I felt too sad and too tired to continue.
Even talking about the situation had the ability to make me feel empty inside.
“But then what?” Nonno urged me to continue, his hand on my shoulder as we stood there.
“But then, I think I’ve imagined it. The moment disappears. The tenderness in his gaze, the lift in his lips, the knowing look in his eyes. It just fades. And then it’s as if I’m looking into the soul of a stranger.”
“You’re being too dramatic, Mila.” Nonno sounded weary, as if he were attempting to take on the burden in my heart and put it on his shoulders.
“I’m not being dramatic.” I turned to him.
“I’m being realistic. I’m being safe. Nonno, when I look at him, my heart skips a beat, and my stomach jumps.
I feel happy. I feel excited. I feel like my soulmate is once again in my world.
It’s like every part of me knows that he is my other half.
And every part of me wants him to know that I’m his other half too.
Every part of me is craving the moment he will suddenly realize who I am to him. ”
“Maybe he does know,” Nonno said. “You can’t rush these things. Maybe he’s scared. You know he had a hard life with his dad after what happened to his mom.”
“I know his dad is cold. I know his mom died when he was young. He never talks about it. Can that still be affecting him?”
“Mila, of course, that would still be affecting him. He’s human. He was young when his mom died, remember that. Still a kid. These things have a way of staying with you for a long, long time. Ryker’s a good man.”
“I know he’s a good man.” I sighed and bit down on my lower lip.
“I know there’s something inside him that’s broken.
I can see it in his eyes. Sometimes, when I look at him, there’s a sadness there, a sadness that makes me want to reach out and hold him.
Sometimes he looks at me like he has something he wants to say, something deep, and we stare at each other, and I wait to see what he’s going to say, but then it’s like his brain shuts down and he makes a joke. ”
“That’s a preservation mechanism. He’s probably not comfortable with expressing his feelings. He didn’t grow up with a family like yours, Mila. You have to give him time. Reach him in ways that don’t make him feel uncomfortable.”
“I just want to know that he feels something. I want him to know that what we have is special. I want him to give me one iota of what I’m giving him, and feel an ounce of the love for me that I feel for him. I want him to love me.”
“And he will.” Nonno grabbed my hands. “I know these things are hard, Mila, and I know that your patience is running thin, but he will come around.”
“Not when he finds out what I did.” My voice was so low that I wasn’t even sure that Nonno could hear me.
“He may never forgive me then. Some secrets are just too much to overcome.” My voice broke, and I fell to my knees as I watched the sun setting, signaling to me that another day had passed without me revealing the truth.
Another day had passed, and my heart was still in turmoil.
I felt like I was on the downward spiral of some horrible roller-coaster ride.
Nothing was going my way, and while I just wanted to get off the ride, I wanted something epic to happen.
I needed to feel the exhilaration of the anticipation of what was going to happen next, but it was just so hard. Too hard.
“What did you do, Mila?” Nonno came up from behind me, and I stilled, ashamed to admit the lies that had sprung from my mouth. I knew that Nonno would be disappointed in me, as I was disappointed in myself.
“It’s hard to admit.” I sighed. “I was so immature, so jealous, but I didn’t really know what I was doing at the time.”
“What did you do, Mila?”
“When Parker and Ryker were in college, Lara and I went up for a weekend to stay with them in the apartment they were sharing. I think it was their senior year, and Mom and Dad trusted them enough to show us around the campus. So anyway, it was a Saturday night, and they left us in the apartment because they wanted to go to a frat party. They said we could watch a movie, which is what we did. It was about ten p.m., and Lara was on the phone with some pizza delivery place, and there was a knock on the door.” I took a deep breath, my face going red with shame as I remembered that night vividly.
“Continue,” Nonno said, his eyes not leaving my face.
“So, there was a knock on the door, and this girl was standing there.” I spoke slowly, remembering the look on her face.
She’d been worried and scared, her face pale as she stood there awkwardly.
I’d known right away that something was wrong—call it female intuition or something.
I looked at Nonno and wanted to cry, but I knew I’d made this mess myself.
“Go on, mia cara.”
“She asked for Ryker.” I chewed on my lower lip.
“I asked her why. And she started to cry, so I told her to come in.” I took a deep breath.
“Nonno, she told me she was pregnant. She told me that there was a possibility that Ryker was the dad and that she needed to talk to him. She asked me if she could wait for him.”
“Okay.” Nonno pursed his lips and stared at me, his expression not changing.
“I asked her how sure she was that Ryker was the father, and I told her that Ryker and I were in a serious relationship. I told her that I wasn’t sure we could handle the fact that she might be having his baby.”
“Oh, Mila.”
“And then I told her to leave.” Tears filled my eyes.
“I told her she couldn’t wait for Ryker.
I don’t know why I did that, Nonno. I was so ashamed of myself.
I was so jealous, I wasn’t thinking properly.
And she just left. She didn’t even say anything.
She wasn’t a bad person. She wasn’t one of those bitchy, money-grubbing girls that I hate.
There was nothing about her that would make me think that I needed to protect Ryker.
Nothing predator-ish about her. I mean, she was even honest that Ryker might not even be the father. ”
“So she just left?”
“Yes.” I nodded.
“And I’m assuming you never told Ryker.”
“Nope.” I shook my head. “When he got home that night, I was still too embarrassed, and selfishly, I was hoping that he’d notice me, tell me he wanted to be with me or something.”
“Oh, Mila.” Nonno sighed.
“I know,” I said. “And then the next day, I was so embarrassed and ashamed of myself. I didn’t know how to bring it up.
I tried several times, but it just didn’t seem right.
There was never a perfect moment. I didn’t want him to think badly of me, Nonno.
And then, well, then I figured the girl would probably contact Ryker and let him know.
For the next few weeks, I waited for Ryker to contact me, all angry, and tell me how pissed he was at me for talking to the girl and sending her away.
But he never did. And then I forgot it. I tried to tell myself that it was likely that Ryker wasn’t the father and that the girl had figured out who it was.
” I swiped at my eyes. “But who knows, maybe she was just trying to help me and my fake relationship.”
“You need to tell him, Mila. Nothing can continue, good or bad, if you’re not honest with him.”
“I’m scared to tell him.”
“You can’t live your life being scared, Mila. You have to take chances, you have to grab the bull by the horns and go for it.”
“I’m scared the bull is going to buck and rear, and I’m going to fall off and get bruised.”
“That’s the risk you take in life and love, Mila.”
“I just feel like this secret is so big that even if there were a possibility of him loving me, it would all fade away now. Who can forgive someone for something like that?”
“Everyone has their secrets, Mila.”
“But are all secrets forgivable?” I sighed. “I mean, I think a part of him could really love me. I feel it in my soul. But I don’t want to push for it when this is still hanging over me. I need to know that if he does fall in love with me, it’s for everything that he knows about me; good and bad.”
“Just as you love him for everything you do and don’t know, right?” Nonno said. “Good and bad.”
“There is no bad in Ryker.” I sighed. “He’s perfect.”
“No one’s perfect, Mila. We all have our secrets. Remember that.”
“You don’t have any secrets, Nonno. You’re perfect too.”
“Even I have secrets, Mila.” He touched the top of my head. “But that doesn’t mean that I love you any less.”