Chapter 10
NOAH
"Noah! Not... so... fucking... hard. Slow down!
" Josslyn's shrill voice tries to break through my fantasy of Cordelie naked on the ground and surrounded by trees before me, with her lips painted red and wrapped tightly around my cock, as I fuck her face savagely.
Her blue-gray eyes stare up at me, filled with lust instead of the malice and pain I always witness, and for a brief moment, I feel good about myself instead of like trash.
My hands squeeze tightly on Josslyn's bony hips, and I'm partially aware that I must be hurting her and leaving bruises, but I can't bring myself to care or even stop.
My eyes are sealed shut as I replay over and over in my mind Cordelie's teasing words, how she's daring me to choke and fuck her ruthlessly, and use her for my own depraved needs.
When did she become this hedonistic, wanton creature?
Was she always like this, just under the surface?
I feel both exhilarated and deprived that I didn't get to experience this side of her when we were together. "Noah, please... slow down!"
I reach forward, my hand wrapping tightly around Josslyn's thin throat to both silence her and to keep my fantasy going.
In my head, it's Cordelie's throat I'm squeezing, as I pound harder and harder into her until my pelvis is slamming into her pale flesh.
I want to bury myself so deeply that she'll never be able to escape me, and she'll realize she'll always be mine.
As for not being disappointed afterwards, I guess we'll see, won't we, little wolf.
FUCK! I can't hold on much longer. My body is trembling, sweat trickling down my back as I feel a current of electricity race over every one of my nerve endings, lighting me up from the inside.
I flex my fingers, tightening their grasps until I hear a wheezing, choking sound that's like a gun going off in my ears, and it makes me cum long and hard with a deep groan.
At the last second, I manage to swallow Cordelie's name before releasing it. "FUUUCCCKKK!"
I finally open my eyes, my heart pounding in my chest as I attempt to catch my breath.
I release my hold on Josslyn's neck, and she flops forward like a broken doll over the side of the couch, sucking in desperate gulps of oxygen.
My erection instantly deflates with my bitch slap of reality.
A cold chill races over me as I glance over her body, covered in red marks from my fingers, and her heaving chest, and I realize it's no longer the one I was picturing in my mind.
"What... the... fuck... is the... matter.
.. with you?" Josslyn croaks as tears slide down her face, and she rubs at her throat, and instantly guilt rears its ugly head and makes me feel like scum.
A sharp pain echoes in my chest, as the tears mix with saliva and trail down her molten face.
Fuck, what have I done? You should have fucked her harder.
She can still talk, so that means you didn't hurt her enough.
"I'm sorry, Joss. I... I got carried away.
" I quickly approach her and lift her into my arms, cradling her trembling body into mine as I sit on the couch.
A grimace crosses my mouth as I take in the red fingerprints already blooming around her throat, as she sniffles loudly and burrows into my chest. Shit, how badly did I hurt her while I was busy daydreaming about Cordelie?
You hurt everyone you meet. That's all you're capable of, pain and destruction.
"Did I hurt you, baby?" A part of me is hoping she'll respond that I didn't. It will just make me feel like a bigger monster if I did, and it's already almost impossible to meet my glance in the mirror.
The other part, the demon that lives within me, stares at the marks and smiles, wishing that blood was pouring out of them, that we had stopped her from permanently breathing.
It's getting harder and harder to control these urges.
The ones that will see me doing prison time if I'm not careful.
You are a monster, you know what you've done, what you'll continue to do. You hurt everyone around you.
"You... you scared me, Noah." I wrap my arms tighter around her petite frame, bile racing up the back of my throat.
"It's like you were somewhere else, you weren't listening.
" She stares up into my face, and I try to hide the guilt of being lost in my head with Cordelie as my fantasy.
Her emerald green eyes narrow in suspicion, and my heartbeat jumps.
"Who were you thinking about while you fucked me just now, and don't lie, Noah, it wasn't me. "
A part of me wants to just confess and let the chips fall where they may.
I'm tired of pretending and dealing with this shit.
I never intended to get into a relationship with Josslyn, she was always meant to be a side piece that I could discard once I was sick of her.
Now, for months, I've been trapped in this farce of a relationship after shit hit the fan, and the way we hurt Cordelie.
When can I break free of this mess? How can I keep playing this game when everything in me is torn apart and covered in the filth of my actions?
One look at Josslyn's devastated face, and I lose all sense of the malice I was feeling, and remorse rears its ugly head.
My head is always filled with contradictions, the monster rattling his chains and wanting to be allowed out to play.
She doesn't deserve my ugly truth, and I don't think she wants to actually hear it.
In her own sick way, she already knows, but she ignores it to make herself feel better about what she puts up with from me.
"No one, it was you in my head, baby, I was just so into it.
" The lies taste like ash on my tongue, but that doesn't hinder me in the slightest.
"You're lying, don't try to gaslight me, Noah.
" She tries to scramble off my lap, but I refuse to let her go, tightening my fingers until she winces from my grip.
"It was her, wasn't it? You're fucking me and picturing Cordelie Wynyard instead?
" Her hands shove against my chest, her sharp fingernails digging deep and bloodying me.
"Oh my god! It was her! How could you do this to me, Noah! "
"You're being fucking ridiculous and dramatic, Joss!
It was you I was picturing in my head, and maybe a bit of a porn video I watched earlier!
" My hand fists the back of her head, and I force her to look at me as I dig my fingers into her hair.
"You need to stop bringing Cordelie's name into every situation.
She has nothing to do with us. It's getting pathetic, and I'm sick of it.
" My eyes glare into hers, and that moment of remorse all but disappears as my heart hardens.
"If you want me to leave your skanky ass, or pass you around to my friends, just say so, Joss, 'cause this is getting tiresome and it's no longer fun. "
Her lips tremble, and tears slide down her face, and instead of feeling sorry for her, the darkness inside of me rises unbidden.
"Why are you watching porn? Am I not enough for you?
" I roll my eyes at her stupidity. Of course, that is her major concern, and not the fact that I just threatened to pass her around to my friends.
This girl is so damaged that it's a wonder she's not a complete mess.
You helped shape this version of her. You're toxic, and destroy everyone around you.
I feel my compassion vacate the building, along with what little humanity I cling to.
I bite down on her pouty, collagen-filled bottom lip until a drop of blood wells on the surface as she moans.
"Because I want to, because I can, because sometimes you don't satisfy me, Joss, with your fake tits and your loose pussy.
Sometimes I just need something more. Would you rather I had found someone else to fill those cravings? "
Every word is a dagger stabbing into her as she flinches from my cruelty.
A part of me hopes she slaps me and kicks me out, so we can be done with the toxic relationship once and for all.
The other part holds on to the fact that I don't want to be alone, and I know I will be.
Josslyn, for all her faults, fills something inside of me.
She helps to plug the rot that seeps from my pores and taints everything around me.
Is it right to use her over and over to save myself?
Absolutely not. Will it stop me from continuing to do it, if she doesn't smarten up and walk away from me? Nope.
"No, please, Noah. I'll do whatever you want.
I'll let you use me any way you desire, baby.
" I use my thumb to wipe at the blood and slip it past her lips, as she twirls her tongue around it and sucks it deep into her mouth.
Her tearful green eyes meet mine, and I feel myself growing hard once more underneath her, as I feel the desperation coming off of her in waves.
Her pain and my cruelty have always been delicious toppings to our sexual experiences, and I don't see that changing any time soon.
I'm a cruel and devious sadist, but Josslyn is a delusional masochist. We're a match made in hell.
"You'll do anything I want? You should be more careful with what you offer, Josslyn.
Someone could really hurt you." Namely, me.
I don't vocalize that part as I push her off my lap, and she goes tumbling to the floor as I widen my legs, stroke my hardening cock, and use my thumb to spread my precum along my engorged crown.