Chapter 12 Zack
ZACK
I’ve done a lot of things in my life that I regret.
Things that have crossed the line, things that have almost cost me my life, and things that did cost the lives of others.
Okay, some of those lives I don’t regret taking, they deserved it, but that doesn’t mean it makes me feel better about taking them.
I’ve never claimed to be a good man. A rich man, yes, but not a good one, and now I’ve done the worst thing of all.
I fucked her, I fucked my sister, I’ve crossed a line I can never uncross, and now I don’t know what to do.
One minute I was having dinner with my family, trying to pretend we weren’t falling apart inside, and the next I was at her place, downing more alcohol than I care to admit.
And I wish I could blame it on the drinks I had, on my grief, that I lost my head and didn’t realize what I was doing, but I knew.
I knew exactly who she was when I kissed her, when I touched her, when I fucked her, and not once did I care.
It should make me sick, it should make me burn with shame, but they aren’t the emotions I feel.
Sure there’s some guilt, some fear I may have taken advantage of the situation, but mostly I feel a need that I have never experienced in my life.
I know it’s wrong, I know she is the last person I should even be thinking about that way, let alone already crossed the line with, but it’s consuming me.
I couldn’t go to her apartment last night, couldn’t bring myself to check on her like I usually do, not when the last time I did we ended up in bed together.
I still can’t wrap my head around how it even happened, not once have I ever looked at her as anything other than my sister, so how did I get here?
How did I let myself give in to such baseless pleasures, and with her of all people?
I’m not denying her beauty by any means.
She’s stunning, and one of the best people I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing.
She’s smart, well-witted, and has one of the kindest and purest hearts I’ve ever seen, even if you have to dig under her shell to find it.
Any man would be beyond lucky to have her, but that man shouldn’t be me.
It can’t be me, even if in the darkest depths of my heart, I wish it could.
I’m her brother, not by blood, but in every other way that matters.
I can still remember the day my parents brought the twins home, I was overjoyed.
I had been an only child for years at that point, and finally getting not just one sibling, but two, was so exciting for me.
It was hard at first, they weren’t really interested in having a new family, or an older brother, not after what happened to their parents.
It took so long for them to settle in, because they didn’t need anyone else, they already had each other.
Logan thawed first of course, he was too curious and smart as a whip, even back then, but if Logan was the sun that lit up every room, Lily was the star.
Hard, sharp, unattainable, something you had to admire from afar, but were always desperate to get a closer look at.
It wasn’t until Elle came to us that things truly changed.
She didn’t welcome her with open arms or anything, but the second Cassie was born, it was like seeing her true self for the first time.
Like looking through a telescope instead of up at the sky.
Now, I’ve always loved all my siblings from the second I found out about them, from Logan and Lily, to Elle and Ash, I know how lucky I am to have them.
Blood or not, it never mattered to me, they were my family and I was their protector.
And now I’ve gone and ruined fucking everything.
Things with Lily have always been different.
We were never super close, not like I was with Logan when he was a kid, or how I became with Elle after I took her from Black Hallows.
Lily was always shy and closed off with everyone, but we still managed a good relationship, one that only strengthened as we got older.
I thought we had finally found a middle ground, one where she didn’t need me as much as the others, but still enjoyed seeing me and spending time together.
Then Logan died.
After that, everything changed, and I became one of the only people she could stand to be around, not that I gave her much of a choice. I’m her brother, and that’s what brothers do.
Not fuck you when you are drunk and vulnerable.
Fuck.
I avoided her last night like a fucking coward, and not just because I felt shame about what I did, but because I was already half-buzzed and didn’t trust myself near her while drunk.
I’ve always found myself more inclined to indulge in my baser instincts when intoxicated, I just never thought I would let myself give in to my desires with her.
And I especially never imagined wanting to do it again.
This is Lily we’re talking about, my sister, my family, and now I have ruined what we had. I’m sick, disgusting, and if my family finds out what I’ve done they will be just as ashamed of me, as I am of myself.
It’s why I’m here, I selfishly want to see them before either Lily or Max drop the bomb of what I did.
Plus, if I’m here I won’t run into Max, or be tempted to go and see Lily.
I’m working out in the home gym at the main house, watching Elle and Jace spar against one another on the mats, trying to focus on anything that isn’t what I fucking did, but it’s no use.
Every step I take on the treadmill, I see Lily climbing into my lap telling me she wants to feel me.
Every weight I lift, I see me picking her up and taking her to the bedroom, and every damn push-up has me flashing back to pinning her to the mattress and feeling her silk wrapped around me.
It’s fucking making me both sick and turned on, until my head is completely fucked and my cock is at half-mast.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
Before I can answer that thought, the door to the gym bursts open and Max appears, his eyes already locked on mine, as he storms toward me with intent. I don’t even get time to react before he is gripping my sweat-soaked shirt and slamming me against the wall.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” he roars in my face, and I open my mouth to defend myself, which I’m not sure how, after ignoring all his texts for the last twenty-four hours, but he cuts me off.
“What you did is one thing, but not fucking checking on her? What the fuck were you thinking? Do you have any idea how fragile she is?” he seethes, his breath hot against my lips, and I’m grateful he’s lowered his voice enough that Elle and Jace didn’t hear his last statement, especially with their attention now on us.
“What’s going on?” Elle questions, stopping her fight with Jace and stepping toward us.
Not that it was any kind of fair fight. She’s nine months pregnant, and Jace is the only one dumb enough to agree to work out with her.
Everyone else has been denying her because they don’t want to hurt her, but clearly they don’t know her very well.
She might be my younger sister, Max and I might be the ones who saved her as a child and brought her back to life, but make no mistake, she is not someone you want to cross.
She will probably fucking stab me if she finds out what I’ve done, even with her swollen, pregnant belly.
“Nothing,” we both snap at the same time, but of course in our family, no one ever lets anything go.
“You two fuck the same girl or something?” Jace asks, tossing his arm around Elle’s shoulder, and when Max and I both glare at him, he tosses us both a knowing wink.
“Or something,” Max mutters, not even giving us time to assess Jace’s stare, before he looks back at me.
“Outside, now,” he grits through his teeth, pressing into me a little harder until his whole body is aligned with mine, before he releases me with a shove.
He storms back out the way he came and I have no choice but to follow him, feeling both Elle and Jace’s eyes on me the entire way.
When I push through the doors I find my best friend pacing, only coming to a stop when I arrive, glaring at me with a dark look. Then once again he is slamming me back into the wall, only this time I anticipate it, grunting only a little as he presses into me.
“I’ve seen you do some dumb fucking shit over the years, but I thought we left those days behind us in fucking boarding school,” he huffs right in my face, staring at me as if he doesn’t even know me, and I can’t say I blame him.
“There is nothing you can say that could make me feel worse than I already do,” I shout back, cheeks heating beneath his anger and disappointment.
We’ve never had a disagreement before, not one where we weren’t both on the same side.
“I fucked up, I know that, I’m fucking disgusted with myself, so I really don’t need you fucking piling on.
” I push against his hold on me as I rush the words out, but he doesn’t let up, only tightening his grip on my shirt, and my heart begins to race.
“I don’t care that you fucked her, I care that you left her afterwards,” he grits, bringing us almost nose to nose, as if admitting that pains him somehow. But him saying it like that makes it sound hot instead of wrong, and I swallow thickly.
“She’s my sister, Max, it’s fucking wrong on so many levels.” I shake my head, still finding it hard to wrap my head around this whole situation.
Especially now, with my best friend pressing against me, telling me he doesn’t care. Why doesn’t he care? Can’t he see how fucking disgusting I am? I push against his hold again, desperate for him to let me go, but like the insistent fucking asshole he is, he still doesn’t relent.