Chapter 13 Lily
LILY
Ihaven’t seen Zack since he fled my bed, and I mean that quite literally, he ran from my room and left my apartment.
And I don’t know what was worse, him reacting that way, or Max being there to witness it?
The look in his eyes almost killed me. It was nearly as bad as the look he gave me a year ago, when I told him what we had meant nothing.
I know deep down that he probably didn’t believe me, that he knew it was my grief talking, but still I didn’t make it easy on him.
I pushed him away, only for him to keep coming back every single day to ensure I made it out of bed.
And then I repaid him for that kindness by letting him find me in bed with his best friend.
Despite how things started with us, that must have been a hard pill to swallow.
We both watched Zack leave, and I prepared myself for his anger and betrayal, but of course once again, he proved to me just how amazing he is.
He didn’t yell, he wasn’t even mad, just resigned to the fact that I had somehow managed to progress the secret crush I’ve always had on my brother.
That only made what I did feel a whole lot worse, but then he did what he always does.
He finished making me breakfast, cleaned my kitchen, and gave me a soft, reassuring smile before he left.
I spent the whole day after that feeling a mixture of regret for doing that to Max, and panic about seeing Zack again, only he never showed.
For the first time in a year my brother didn’t come and check on me.
It’s been twelve months of constant visits, nightly call-ins, judgmental caring, and just his obsessive brotherly love.
The amount of times I wished he would leave me alone is beyond countless, but all it took was me crossing a line he never even knew had to exist. I’m sure it was a drunken mistake for him, it was for me in some ways, I certainly wouldn’t have done it sober, but that doesn’t mean I regret it.
I’ve spent far too long putting distance between us and hiding behind our titles to one another, and now the truth is out in the open.
He might not like it, but we still have to face it.
I knew it was wrong, beyond impossible, but the other night I felt like I was drowning, and he was the only thing that could grant me air.
I still have the same feelings toward Zack that I’ve always had, but I never intended on acting on them, especially once I became involved with his best friend.
Max is a different story entirely. I knew what I was doing when I gave in to the attraction between us, or at least I thought I did.
What started as a way to work out our frustrations with one another, turned into something else entirely.
Those few months I spent with him were the only time in my life I felt truly happy and free.
Neither of us were prepared for what we became, but I don’t regret it for a second.
He’s the perfect guy and I broke his heart.
A fact I had to face once again this morning when he showed up, and instead of asking about what happened, he asked me how things went with Zack.
When I didn’t respond, he pulled me into his arms with no questions asked, and I found myself once again finding comfort in him.
I could tell he wanted to stay longer, but he already mentioned he had client meetings to get to, so I forced a smile and waved him off.
Something has shifted inside of me though, and I'm not sure if it’s what happened with Zack, or the aftermath.
Hell, maybe I just realized what a train wreck my life is, but being trapped in my apartment no longer feels safe, instead it feels like I’m suffocating, like I might die if I don’t get out.
So much so that I made myself walk to the coffee shop down the street this afternoon.
It took me two hours to talk myself into it, but I did it.
I got myself a coffee and a donut and walked back.
I threw both of them in the trash when I got home, too anxious to think about eating them, but still I felt accomplished.
My hands itch to open a bottle of wine to calm my nerves, but I quickly shake it off, grabbing my phone instead.
It’s been on silent since the other day, because I’m a fucking coward, and I note the endless stream of missed calls and texts.
Most of them are from my mom and dad, but there are some notable ones from Elle and Jace too.
Elle has been sending me updates on Cassie, new photos and videos of her, and when I open the latest ones I almost cry at how big she has gotten.
There is one of her playing with the little boy that Jace brought by, and anyone else might mistake them for siblings for how close they already seem.
It makes emotion burn up the back of my throat, so I quickly exit out of them and head to the one off Jace instead.
It came the night of Logan’s anniversary dinner, the one I missed, and it simply reads five words.
Jace - I’m still proud of you
Honestly, that one is almost worse than the ones Elle sent, but for some reason it’s the first one in over a year that I bother to type a response out to.
Lily - Is it the mild alcoholism that did it ,or me basically being a shut in?
To my surprise my message is read almost instantly, followed by a meme of a man fainting, before he fires off one message after another.
Jace - Did someone kidnap you?
Jace - Is this a crabsticks situation?
Jace - Or are you actually joining the world of the living again?
I roll my eyes at his messages, ignoring the smirk pulling at the corner of my mouth.
Lily - I forgot what an annoying prick you are
Jace - Liar you know you missed me
Jace - And you spelled huge dick wrong
Lily - The fact you live with Elle and Riley and still haven’t been stabbed is beyond me
Jace - Because they both know what a great kisser I am. Shame you missed your shot
Jace - Although I bet you’ve got enough on your plate with your roster
My confusion is instant when I read his last message, but I don’t get a chance to ask what he means because he is already changing the subject.
Jace - Did you know kids aren’t allowed to set fires?
Lily - Technically no one is allowed to start fires, Conrad
Lily - And yes everyone with common sense knows that
Jace - Marcus said I shouldn’t be teaching him and I quote, ‘my ways’
Jace - How fucking dumb is that? I mean look at this kid
Jace - **Image Attached**
The picture is of the little boy, Cash, smiling widely as he holds up some firecrackers while sitting on Jace’s shoulders. They look like the biggest father-son duo I have ever seen, and my chest warms instantly.
I asked Max about the situation yesterday, and he explained that Cash lost his parents a few years ago, and was in the care of his brother until he was killed in a hit and run.
He would have been placed in the system if it weren’t for Jace, and knowing all too well what that’s like, it only made me more grateful for Jace Conrad.
Lily - Ignore Marcus, that kid looks happy and that’s all that matters.
Jace - Thanks Lils, I’ll see you soon??
Those last four words are filled with so much hope I can practically feel it through the screen, but still I respond.
Lily - I’ll see you soon
I put down my phone before I can see any response, and hate the way that I feel lighter after just a few texts.
Out of everyone I know, Jace understands me the most, and it’s weird because despite not being truly close, we have still shared intimate moments.
Moments of grief and despair, and even after seeing him at the brink of destruction, to look at him now you would never know.
I hope his sister is looking down on him with pride.
Pushing off the sofa, I head into the kitchen, and instead of getting the wine I am so desperate for, I go about making myself a peppermint tea instead.
Just as I pour the hot water from the kettle into my mug, I hear a key turn in my front door, a moment before Zack appears.
He startles a little when he sees me, almost as if he weren't expecting me, which of course he was, he’s in my apartment, but still we stare at one another wordlessly.
“You’re here,” I finally manage to choke out, putting down the kettle and he nods, barely looking at me.
I’ve been thinking about what I would say when I saw him, ever since he didn’t show up last night.
I mean, what can we say? He has been my brother for as long as I remember, and though we aren’t blood, he still feels like my brother.
Yes, I have always felt differently about him than I did Logan, but he’s still my family, and I’m not sure how things are going to be between us now.
I let my grief and the alcohol fuel something I have wanted for a long time, without thinking about the consequences of my actions, and now it’s time to face the music.
“Yeah, sorry about last night, something came up,” Zack mumbles, surveying the room as if this is any other night, and I blink back a little in disbelief.
“Something came up, really? That’s how you want to play this?” Even I can hear the tremble in my voice, but out of all the ways I saw this playing out, him flat out acting like it never happened wasn’t one of them.
We can’t do that, he can’t unwrite this and pretend it didn’t happen, it did, and we need to talk about it. Even if we just try and move past it, which I’m not sure we can, we're family, and I won’t lose another brother, so we have to try.
Anger curls inside of me, not just at myself for starting all of this, but at him for trying to deny it. “If you’re gonna act like a scared little bitch, you could at least be man enough to admit it,” I snap, startling us both, and finally his stare snaps to mine in surprise.
No doubt he was expecting my meek side, the one I’ve let myself revel in for the last year, but not tonight.
No, he isn’t brushing off what happened between us.
He can regret it all he wants, but I won’t let him act like it didn’t happen.
He might not know how long I wanted it to happen, or how much it meant to me, but he won’t deny what I felt.
“What happened the other night was a mistake,” he replies calmly, and I scoff, shaking my head in disbelief as I stir my tea. “We were upset and clearly we didn’t have any idea what we were doing.”
We didn’t have any idea what we were doing?
Is he fucking kidding me?
“Yeah, you looked really upset and confused when you fucked me and told me how tight I was,” I grit, unsure where my confidence and bravado is coming from, and a muscle in his jaw ticks.
“Tell me, were you more confused when you fisted my hair and kissed me? Or when you carried me to bed and demanded I strip?” I remember every word he said, and every intent of his touch, and I won’t let him act like it meant nothing.
His fingers flex as he inhales a deep breath, but I just keep staring at him expectantly. “I was drunk and it was a mistake, one that won’t happen again,” he forces out, holding my stare.
“It wasn’t a mistake, we both knew exactly what we were doing,” I tell him, as I move around the island to get closer to him.
“You can deny it all you want, but I know what I felt, and I know you felt it too.” I reach out to touch him, but he grabs my hand and pushes it away roughly, as if my touch burns him. And that hurts more than anything.
“Do you have any idea how many women I have fucked?” he laughs, turning away from me, combing his hands through his hair as he changes tactics, and it’s like a knife to my fucking gut. “The other night was just a blip on my radar, sweetheart, you need to move on and get over it.”
I can’t pretend his words don’t sting, but still I keep my chin high, despite my heart breaking. If this is how he wants things to be then so be it, but I won’t let him stand here and watch me fall apart anymore.
“Well, as you can see I am perfectly fine, big brother, so get the fuck out of my apartment.” I push away from him, moving back to my tea, before I think to add, “Oh and consider your brotherly duty quota officially met, don’t bother checking on me again, wouldn’t want you to get confused and lose your dick in my pussy again. ”
Zack pauses for a moment, as if contemplating what I am saying, before he sighs with a nod. Turning on his heel, he storms to the door, before he stops to add, “Maybe when you grow up and want to act like an adult, we can talk about it then.”
My mug of tea is thrown across the room toward him before I can stop myself, but he’s already slammed the door, making the cup shatter against it, just like my heart.
And for the first time in a year I cry for the brother I didn’t lose, but for the one I have always loved too much, and might now lose in a different way entirely.