Chapter 17 Lily #2
My hand grabs his arm, ripping him toward me and surprising us both, as he jerks back a little, looking at me in confusion, but my eyes are on his chest. A chest that now has another bullet scar, along with countless others, each one looking far worse up close, and the ground beneath me shakes.
He really did try to save Logan.
Every one of these marks is proof of his failed efforts, and they make me sick to my stomach.
How must it feel for him to look in the mirror every single day and be reminded of his loss?
How many nights must he close his eyes and remember being locked up with him, not knowing he was bleeding internally?
Does he hate himself for losing him too?
Asher doesn’t say anything, just lets me stand there and stare at him, soaking in all of his pain until it threatens to rip me open. It’s only when my legs finally give out, that he rushes to grab me, lowering me to the ground gently, slumping himself down in front of me on his knees.
“Come on, take a deep breath for me, you’re okay.” It’s only at the sound of his voice that I realize I am struggling. My lungs screaming in pain, as panic floods my system, forcing me right back to the day I have spent the last year trying to forget.
Tears dampen my cheeks now, as I shake my head, trying to keep the thoughts at bay, but it’s no use, my brother's dead body is front and center. I remember the sight of Logan’s bruised chest, the feel of his blood on my hands, his voice croaking out his last words, all of it burned into my brain for eternity.
“It still hurts,” I grit out, still trying to heave heavy breaths into my lungs, and emotion flashes across his dead stare.
“It will never stop.” His four words are said with such finality that I almost laugh, because he’s right.
This is the kind of pain you can never erase, no matter how hard you try, but here we both are trying anyway.
I can feel his pain as if it’s my own, so clear that it clings to him like a shadow, and somehow it gives me comfort to feel mine.
And so I break, once again letting myself fall apart, and in front of Asher Donovan of all people.
Someone who I know loathes the touch of most people, but here he is pulling me into his arms and comforting me anyway.
“I know, Lils, I know, I miss him too,” his voice cracks as he speaks, and if possible it hurts me even more than I thought.
I’m not sure how long we remain like that, both of us lost to the pain of our loss, but his tight hold around me never relents.
Not while I sob into his scarred chest, and not when the tears finally subside.
If anything his hold gets tighter, as if needs the comfort almost as much as I do, and I realize I have been pushing away the two people who might have loved my brother almost as much as me.
A fact only confirmed when Asher whispers into my hair.
“You know I think I fell in love with him the first day I ever came to your house.” I almost smile as he transports us back to the night he first came looking for Elle.
Logan was gone at just the sight of the Donovan prince and spare, bragging to me about how he couldn’t wait to kiss him.
I remember calling him delusional, and I know if he were here now he would be gloating at Asher’s confession.
“I never really knew what love truly was until Cassie was born, so the feeling was unfamiliar, I knew friendship, loyalty, hatred…” he trails off with a huff of a laugh, no doubt trying to force away his other demons, and I find myself not daring to move, so he doesn’t stop talking.
“Your brother was cocky, loud, insistent, annoying, basically everything I hate in a person, but somehow he worked his way past my defenses instantly.”
“Yeah, he was good at that,” I whisper with a smile, and Asher laughs slightly.
“Yeah, he was.” I can hear the pain and regret in his tone, so similar to my own that it’s jarring.
“I tried to push him away, ignore his flirting, knowing I didn’t deserve someone so good.
” His words cause my chest to physically ache, not thinking I can hurt anymore, but still he pushes on.
“He was the first person I kissed, the first person to see me, to know me, the first person I ever truly gave my heart to, and now he’s…
” Again he trails off, as if he can’t even bear to say the words.
“Gone,” I offer, trying to choose the least offensive word, but still he flinches.
“Yeah, gone,” he repeats, shaking his head. “I loved him and I never got to tell him, and I know he loved me too, and I should be grateful, but fuck I wasted so much time, we missed out on so much because I was fucking scared, and I can never take that back.”
His confession echoes throughout the very caverns of my soul, digging their way deeper and deeper until I force myself to speak.
“He knew you loved him, Ash. He felt it, even if you never told him.” I pull back to look at him, surprised to find tears shining in his own eyes.
“I saw it every time you two were close to one another, I heard it in the way he would talk about you, so it doesn’t matter that you didn’t say it, it was still real.
So real that you tried to risk your life to save his. ”
“And I failed,” he snaps, anger coating his tongue, and I feel his rage in every part of me.
Rage I have felt toward him for far too long, and it’s only now I see how misplaced it was.
He would have let himself die if it meant Logan could live, and what would that have done?
Left Elle without her lifeline, left Cassie without her father, left Logan without the man he loves.
Would that have been better? The selfish part of me thinks yes, but I knew my brother, and though he was tough, he wasn’t as strong as Asher, or Lincoln.
He barely survived the loss of our parents, using his outgoing personality to shield his trauma, so I have no doubt losing Asher would have broken him beyond repair.
“But you loved him enough to try,” I whisper, forcing myself to hear those words too, not just him. “Do you know how rare it is to love someone that much?”
I think about Zack and Max, about how I love them both, just like Logan loved both Asher and Lincoln, and how we’re now the ones wasting time.
And for what?
Because we think people won’t approve?
How fucking dumb is that?
Asher searches my stare, his hand coming down to close around mine, as he utters six worlds that almost end me. “I’m sorry I couldn’t save him.” I can tell it physically pains him to not just say them, but feel them too, and I’m already shaking my head.
“I’m sorry for punishing you for not being able to.”
We both continue staring at one another in silence after that, just existing in our grief, until Elle calls Ash and demands him home.
I have no doubt she saw our fallout on one of the cameras after Marcus or Jace told her I was here, so neither of us waste any time in cleaning up.
We don’t say anything else as we leave, just share a final look of understanding, as Asher walks me to my car and waits until I’m locked inside.
By the time I make it home I feel drained, not just from the workout, but mentally too, and I have to drag myself under the hot spray of the shower before falling into bed.
Sleep comes easier than it has done recently, thanks to the meds, but it’s still restless and plagued by dreams that once again have me waking up early.
When Max finally appears for his morning check, he almost stumbles at the sight of me sitting at the breakfast bar already eating. I can’t remember the last time I cooked, let alone for him.
“Yours is keeping warm on the stove,” I tell him by way of greeting, and he approaches me slowly, like I am some sort of wild animal he needs to study.
“You made me breakfast?” he asks, completely bewildered, and I shake my head, sipping some of my orange juice.
“I mean, technically I made myself breakfast, but I was nice enough to save you some,” I tease with a soft smile, and his eyes widen completely.
“Did you poison it?” he asks with a smirk, and I roll my eyes, pushing my empty plate aside.
“Damn I knew I forgot something,” I respond dryly, and he stares at me a few more seconds with a soft smile, before he serves up his breakfast and takes a seat across from me.
While he eats, I busy myself with clearing my own plate and loading the dishwasher, before turning my focus to him.
He’s wearing his usual fitted Infinite Security t-shirt that molds to his muscles, paired with black cargo pants and boots.
His arms flex as he eats, and I trail my eyes over him as I let myself remember all the nights we spent together.
Max isn’t just handsome, he’s hot, and when we were together it was like an inferno.
It wasn’t just fucking, despite what I told him, I know that and he knows that, and I’ve been too busy in my grief to let myself drown in the regret of pushing him away.
Except I didn’t successfully push him away, because here he sits, like he has every morning since the week after I told him we were over.
No resentment, just the same Max who always had my back.
I still see the way he looks at me and can still feel the heat of his gaze on my naked body from the morning after he found me with Zack, reminding me of all the times he worshiped me.
It makes me burn with something I promised myself I would always deny in the future, but after what happened with Zack, I think I’m a little past that now.
Not that I’m saying there is a chance that Max would still be open to going there with me again, not after how I hurt him, and not after what I just did with Zack.
I saw how mad he was when he caught us in bed together, but that was nothing compared to how angry he got when Zack left.
He held it together of course, but I know him almost as well as my brother, and he was fucking pissed.
So maybe there is still something there, something that has been still burning for the last year, like he was just waiting for me to come to my senses.
I have barely been living, let alone enjoying life.
Now though? Now I’m thinking I need to stop hiding in the shadows and do something that makes me feel good.
I continue to stare at Max as he eats, not hiding the thoughts in my head, letting myself remember what it was like between us.
Neither of us say anything, not while he eats, and not while he clears his plate and adds it to the dishwasher, finally turning it on.
He drains half a bottle of water and then wipes down the counter, before he finally cracks.
“Something on your mind, princess?” he asks, watching me carefully, and I think about how to answer, before I just settle on the truth.
“Just us,” I admit softly, and his entire body freezes.
“Lils,” he sighs, my name sounding like a pained plea, as he leans back against the counter to watch me.
“No, please, just listen,” I rush out, pushing off my chair and rounding the island, until I am standing right in front of him. “I need to apologize to you,” I tell him firmly, trying not to let my nerves show, though he knows me well enough, so I’m sure he sees them.
“I already told you, I don’t care about what happened with you and Zack,” he grunts, but I’m already shaking my head.
“This isn’t about him, this is about us, about what happened last year,” I explain, and once again his body grows tense.
“What I said that day, the day of Logan’s funeral.
” My voice cracks slightly, and I have to pause to get my breathing under control before I continue.
“I didn’t mean it. You know I didn’t, I just wasn’t in a position to admit what we really are. ”
He remains perfectly still as I talk, letting me gather myself and finish, but when I do, his eyes sharpen instantly.
“Are?” he questions, and I frown in confusion.
“You said are, not were,” he clarifies, and I nod slowly, making him inhale deeply.
“Don’t say shit like this to me if you don’t mean it, princess,” he warns, and I huff a humorless laugh.
I know what he means, what he’s trying to say without using the words.
He can’t take me ending this again, but I’m realizing I can’t pretend anymore that he doesn’t mean anything to me.
“What happened with Zack was great. I loved every second of it, I’m not going to deny that, but it also made me realize that I have been denying myself something else I want too,” I say firmly, staring at him through my lashes, relishing in the way his Adam’s apple bobs in his throat.
Max pushes off his spot on the counter instantly, moving until he can crowd me against the island. “What do you want, princess?” he whispers against my lips, and my heart starts to thunder in my chest.
“You, Foster. I want you.” His lips are on mine before I even finish the last word.