Chapter 21 Zack
ZACK
There have been moments where there has been this tension between us, one I can’t name or understand, but I’ve felt it nonetheless.
So I did the normal thing that everyone does and ignored it, until last night, when something inside of me snapped.
All those feelings I’ve been burying deep, the ones I was ignoring because I was already spiraling over Lily, came rushing to the service.
I felt want, need, a desire so fierce that all I could do was grab him and kiss him.
A kiss that changed everything, a kiss that changed me. Except now here I am in the light of day, feeling nothing but regret.
Because there are three very big reasons I shouldn’t have kissed him.
Firstly, I’m not gay. Not once have I ever looked at another man and found myself wanting to kiss them.
Secondly, Max is bisexual, and I shouldn’t be taking advantage of that by kissing him in my confusion.
Thirdly, he’s in love with my sister, a fact he told me mere hours before I decided to do it.
All perfectly valid reasons to not kiss someone, but apparently none of them were good enough to stop me.
It was like that night with Lily all over again.
I could feel the whiskey burning hot through my veins, could feel it spurring me on, and like a moth to a flame I let it guide me.
I let the desire I felt overtake logic, and now I am in an even bigger mess than before.
I fucked Lily and I kissed Max, but that’s not what has me hiding out in my office, working late.
No, what has me hiding out is that when I fucked Lily, she made the first move.
Yeah, we were drunk and lost to our grief, but she initiated things, she climbed into my lap, she begged me to help her feel something.
None of it excuses the fact that what we did was wrong, but still, it allows me to take only half the blame.
Blame I was willing to take fully with Max, until I realized one thing.
Max kissed me back.
He flipped us around, pinning me to the wall like he never wanted me to escape, and deepened the kiss until we were both moaning into one another’s mouths. And when he finally did pull away, it wasn’t with shock or regret, no, it was with something else entirely.
I think we should put a pin in this until you're sober.
Those were the words he said to me, not no, or what the hell are you doing, but that we should wait until we’re sober to talk about this.
Hence why I’m avoiding him, because what is there to talk about?
He’s in love with Lily, the very person I took to bed, the same bed he found us in and should have been pissed as hell about.
Except every time I think that, and wonder why he isn’t, other things he has said to me over the last couple of weeks come floating back.
Trust me, Royton, I know what it’s like to fantasize about the wrong fucking person.
I knew things were different when it came to the two of you.
I was more mad at the fact I wasn’t invited.
What did he mean about the wrong person?
Was he referring to Lily, because of who she is to him as his best friend's sister, or was it something more than that?
Have the same forbidden thoughts that I have been ignoring, been plaguing his mind too?
And if so, for how long? Has our friendship always been something more to him?
And what things did he know were different when it came to us? Did he mean things were different between Lily and I, as in he always knew we would cross that invisible line? Or did he mean he always felt differently about the both of us?
Then there was the last thing he said, the one I have been ignoring since the moment the words left his mouth.
A mouth which I now know how it tastes, and makes his words all the more intriguing.
Would he have wanted to watch us? Why? He told me he loves her, and from what else he told me, I know things between them have been going on for a lot longer than I ever imagined.
So why the hell would he have wanted to watch me with the girl he loves, unless… . No, it can’t be.
They were all just simple phrases, ones that can’t mean anything, ones I should ignore and not care about, ones I don’t care about, or at least that’s what I’m telling myself.
So why am I here instead of going home? Why haven’t I been checking on Lily?
Why have I been ignoring Max’s calls all day?
It’s because not only am I not buying my own bullshit, but they won’t either.
They know me better than anyone else in the world, probably better than I know myself, and that’s what makes all of this worse.
I’ve ruined the two most important relationships in my life, and for what?
Lust? Desire? A quick bout of pleasure that no matter how amazing, has now changed things forever.
So, I do the only thing I can do, I avoid them for the next ten days.
I book myself up with meetings, busy myself with clients, avoid going to the main house, and generally just make myself unavailable to anyone that isn’t an employee or potential client.
It’s why I’m not surprised in the slightest when my mom finally tracks me down at the office, during the middle of my work day on Friday.
“Mr. Royton, your mother is here to see you,” my assistant calls through my speaker, and I groan inwardly, before pressing the button so I can respond.
“Thanks, Sasha, send her in,” I call back pointlessly, because my mom is already pushing her way into my office without waiting for an invitation. “Mom, what an unexpected surprise, please come in,” I add sarcastically.
“I hope you’re not sassing me,” she replies firmly, eyeing me in a way only she can, and I smirk as she walks toward me with open arms expectantly.
“I wouldn’t dream of it,” I sigh, accepting her hug and then gesturing for her to take a seat. “To what do I owe the pleasure?” I slump back into my chair behind my desk, and find her watching me with assessing eyes.
“I just came to see if you are still coming on the family trip next week, considering you’ve taken to avoiding everyone.” Her stare holds mine, as if she is searching for something, and I frown.
“Of course I’m coming, and I’m not avoiding anyone.” We both know the second half of my sentence is a lie, but thankfully she doesn’t call me out for it.
She continues to stare at me, as if she thinks that will get me to talk, but even if by some miracle I could make sense of everything in my mind, I wouldn’t tell her. The less she knows the better, especially after what I’ve done, but being my mother it’s like she has a link to my mind.
“So this has nothing to do with Lily and Max?” she asks, and I almost choke on my tongue, already shaking my head.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” I vehemently deny, pulling at my collar as it begins to tighten around my neck, and my mom suddenly looks stumped.
“They didn’t tell you?” I can tell by her tone that she’s surprised, and panic starts to curl in my stomach, my hands reaching out to my laptop, just for something to do.
“Tell me what?” I ask, distracting myself with an email so I can try to calm my now racing heart, but nothing could have prepared me for what she says next.
“That they’re dating,” she states matter of factly, forcing my attention to snap back to her.
“I’m sorry, what?” There is no way I heard her right, surely I’m mistaken, or she is, because my mind cannot comprehend in the slightest what she just told me.
“Max came to see your dad and I a few days ago, and told us he’s in love with her and that they’re dating.
Apparently they had a bit of a thing last year before…
” she trails off abruptly, not able to say the words, and I don’t think she ever will.
“Anyway, you know your sister is trying to do better, and thanks to Max sticking by her side, they have reconnected.”
Her words should make me happy, that my sister who has been struggling, and my best friend who is a good man, have found happiness with one another.
I should be overjoyed, thankful, proud, so why do I feel sick to my stomach?
Bile crawls up the back of my throat and I struggle to force it back down, because I’m not sick with anger, I’m sick with jealousy.
It’s thick and raw, attacking every single cell in my body until I feel like I might explode.
My mom says something else, but I don’t hear a word, I can’t, all I can hear is Lily’s moans as I slid inside of her, Max’s groan as he pressed me harder into the wall as he kissed me back.
They play on repeat, ringing out in my ears, as I try to work how we got from there to here.
How is it they get to have each other and all I get to have is regret?
“Did they not tell you?” My mom’s question cuts into my thoughts, and I can tell from her stare she is confused.
Everyone knows how close we are, so not knowing would be completely out of the ordinary, so I do the only thing I’m good at lately, I lie.
“Of course they told me,” I quickly say, pushing my laptop away while gesturing toward the screen.
“Sorry, I’ve got a few big deals going through, it has me distracted, but I’m glad they told you, I hope they make each other happy.
” The words taste like ash on my tongue, not because they aren’t true, but because they have me thinking things I shouldn’t.
“That’s all I hope for all my children, that they find happiness, no matter what that looks like,” she replies, still watching me carefully, and when I don’t respond, she smiles.
“Well I won’t keep you, dear, I was just popping in on my way to meet a friend for lunch.
” She rises from her chair and I follow suit, leading her all the way to the elevator, accepting another embrace before she disappears.
When I make it back to my desk, I slump into my chair, my laptop and any work I need to do is long forgotten, because all my thoughts are on them.
They’re dating, like they are actually a couple, which shouldn’t surprise me, not after what Max told me, but why does it piss me off?
I should be happy, he loves her and she must love him, she wouldn’t have let him in otherwise, she doesn’t trust easily.
So that must mean they are both in love, and now they are dating, and will probably get married one day and make me an uncle again.
I love being an uncle. So why is my heart racing?
I spend the rest of the day in a complete daze, barely thinking about anything other than them, and all the ways this could play out for them, until my phone rings. Sasha is long gone now, and so I reach out and answer without thought.
“Yeah?” I snap down the line, not really caring who it is, but the startled voice on the other end takes me completely off guard.
“Zack, hey, I didn’t expect you to actually answer,” she replies, stumbling over her words slightly.
“Rosie?”
“Yes, sorry, I just thought you’d be gone by now, I was going to leave a message on the machine for you to pick up tomorrow,” she trails off, and I can tell by her tone that she truly wasn’t expecting me to answer.
“Sorry to disappoint,” I reply, and she laughs, the sound familiar and comforting.
“Oh no, don’t be ridiculous, it’s not because I didn’t want to talk to you, I just didn’t want to interrupt your day,” she explains, ever the polite socialite. “Working late?” she adds on in question, knowing the answer already, considering she got used to it when we were dating.
“You know me well.”
“Yes, I do,” she sighs, putting us in an awkward silence. “Anyway, I was just calling to say congratulations, I saw your mom at a restaurant this afternoon, she told me that Elle had the baby and that you're an uncle again.”
Fuck. It’s like the women in my life have direct access to my every thought and want to call me out on it instantly.
I feel an instant warmth at the mention of my new niece, nothing like the ache that the thought of Lily giving me a niece or nephew gave, and I have to swallow thickly. “Yes, another perfect baby girl to add to the family, her name is Kennedy.”
“Well I’m sure she’s beautiful if she has those Royton genes.” We both know her words are stupid, considering she knows I don’t actually possess any Royton DNA, but it’s just something people say in situations like this. “Have you guys got something special planned to welcome her?”
Rosie doesn’t just know me well, she knows my family well too, which means she knows my mom never lets a special occasion pass her by without some sort of event.
“We’re actually heading to the Hamptons next week all together, nothing special, just spending some downtime together so we can all enjoy the new arrival.”
In truth I have been excited for the trip since we started planning it, but now, the thought of being there with Lily and Max as a couple has me not wanting to go. What? Am I just supposed to sit there all day and watch them together, knowing I know what they both taste like? That’s insane.
“Seems low-key for Helen, but sounds perfect, I always did love your house in the Hamptons,” Rosie cuts into my thoughts, and I nod mindlessly.
She has taken that trip with us a few times over the years and knows the house well, and she always fits in perfectly with everyone.
I’m not sure if it’s that or the news my mom brought earlier, but I find myself replying.
“You should come with us.” I regret the words as soon as they leave my mouth, but it’s too late to take them back, and maybe that’s what I need.
I can’t have Max, and I certainly can’t have Lily, so maybe the best thing I can do is just move on with someone new, or I guess in this situation, someone old.
“You want me to come with you?” Rosie repeats in disbelief, and my instant reaction is to say no, that’s the last thing I want, but apparently my mouth doesn’t get the memo.
“Sure, I know how much you love it there, and we’re long overdue a catch up, it could be nice.” Lie after lie rolls off my tongue, each one more bitter than the last, but I’m already going to hell after what I did, I might as well make things worse before I get there.
“Wow! Okay, yes I’d love to come, send me all the details.” She rattles off a checklist of things she will need to do before we go, but I don’t hear a word, because the only thing echoing around my mind is one thing.
What the fuck have I just done?