Chapter 27 Lily #2
Elle is sitting beside me, a sleepy Kennedy snuggling on her chest, but still I can feel her stare on me instead of them.
“It’s weird right?” she starts, rocking her arms gently, and when I turn toward her, I find her watching me just like I expected.
“Being here without Lo,” she confirms, and tears burn at the back of my eyes, as I nod.
“I’m still half expecting him to come running down the beach and ask us to go and see how big his latest sandcastle is,” she adds with half a laugh, and it’s only now I realize how hard his loss has been on her too.
“I don’t think he would have ever beaten the one from the summer before we left for college,” I reply, ignoring the thick lump in my throat, as I force myself to have this conversation with her.
“Yeah that thing was a beast.” She smiles in memory, before looking down at the baby in thought.
“You know, when I found out I was pregnant, I was so happy that I burst into tears.” She’s looking at Kennedy in awe now, like she can’t believe something so innocent and pure came from her.
I see the same look in her eyes when she looks at Cassie, and I know more than most what an amazing mother she is.
“I needed something to be happy about, you know, but then my tears quickly turned sad because I remembered why I needed some happiness.” My own tears are imminent now, and I have to look out to the horizon to try and stop them from falling, as she continues.
“I cried because I realized that, no matter how many pictures we have, or how much we tell her about him, she will never get to know how amazing he was for herself.”
I’m nodding, the tears staining my skin, my sunglasses doing nothing to shield them, but I can’t hide anyway, not from her.
I think it’s why I avoided going back to the house so much in the last year.
Not just because I couldn’t face my parents, but because I couldn’t face her.
She has been through more bad things than most people ever experience in their life, and still she fights every day to be happy, and well, I just don’t think I was ready to do the same.
“I hate my birthday now,” I blurt, bringing her stare back to the side of my face.
“Every day is hard, I feel his absence everywhere, but experiencing my birthday without him was like losing him all over again.” I find myself laughing a little, because I know if he were still here, he would tell me how dramatic I am.
“I’m sorry I haven’t been around,” I add, turning back to Elle, and she’s already shaking her head, reaching out her free hand to grasp mine.
“You did what you had to do to survive, I won’t ever judge you for that,” she tells me firmly, and I nod, knowing she will understand. “But you seem to be doing better though, right? I mean you and Max, you guys are good, you seem happier?” Her stare is searching mine now, and all I can do is nod.
“I’m trying to be,” I tell her honestly. “I know Logan wouldn’t want me to be this way, so I have to start trying again. I’m taking therapy more seriously, I finally agreed to some meds, and Max is really helping me.”
“And what about Zack?” I half expected her question, but I still feel like my entire body jolts at the sound of his name.
“He’s helping me too,” I say quickly, and she narrows her eyes, clearly not buying my bullshit.
“What’s going on with you two?”
“What do you mean?”
“Come on, Lils, we both know the things I’ve done, what I’m capable of, do you really think whatever is going on with the two of you has gone unnoticed?” She glares at me now, and I can feel heat rising in my cheeks.
“I…” I open my mouth to respond, but nothing comes out, because what can I say? That I fucked him? That I had sex with who everyone sees as my brother, twice, and I don’t regret it? That I love him, but I love his best friend too?
Who would be okay with that?
Elle sits up now, her hand still tight around mine, as she leans in even closer to me.
“Look, I won’t lie and say I understand whatever it is that’s going on between the two of you,” she pauses a little before she adds, “Or the three of you I guess, but the only people who have to understand it, are you guys.”
Fear and anxiety rush through me, but still I force myself to nod slightly.
“I wish I could explain it,” I whisper, and she nods.
“Sometimes there is no explanation. Sometimes you find the light you need in the dark, from the most unexpected places.” As soon as the words leave her mouth, her eyes are moving back to the waves, where my mom is watching Cash and Cassie jump over them together.
“Sometimes you just have to accept that the worst thing that ever happened to you can lead to the best.” She squeezes my hand one last time, before letting go and rising to her feet, erasing the distance between her and her other daughter, ruffling her hair.
I’m not sure how long I sit and watch them play for, but it’s long enough for me to remind myself that even though I lost Logan, I still have all of them. They may not be my blood, but we are bound by so much more than that, and it’s time I remembered that.