Chapter 36
ZACK
The next few weeks follow the same pattern, I go to work, spend time with my family, and then end up in bed with my sister and my best friend.
The three of us are insatiable, whether it be all together, or just two of us.
Lily and I fuck in bed, in the shower, even in the underground garage of my apartment building, and I can’t get enough.
Then Max and I get down and dirty in my office, at the gym, and once in the back of my town car on the way home from an event.
We’ve sucked each other's dicks so many times, I feel like he is imprinted on the back of my throat.
All in all things are great, except for the fact that as soon as the sex is over, my feeling of awkwardness returns, and I make my excuses to leave.
I know my feelings are valid, that dealing with falling for who I have always considered to be my sister is bad enough, never mind the fact my sexuality isn’t what it seems, but still I feel bad.
Every time I pull away from them I see the hurt in their eyes and it kills me, but I don’t know how to stop it.
Especially when they aren’t afraid to face their own feelings.
I constantly hear them tell one another how they feel, that they love each other, that they make each other happy.
I know I feel the same, that somehow I have let myself fall for them, but knowing it and saying it are two different things.
It’s Sunday afternoon now, and we’re all having dinner at the house with everyone, and I’m trying my best not to stare at them both.
Lily and Max are sitting across the table from me, his arm is slung around the back of her chair, and she leans into him every time she talks.
They look like the perfect couple that they are, but where does that leave me?
Looking around the table I see my mom and dad, Elle and Marcus, Jace and Riley, Lincoln and Asher, Lily and Max, and then just me.
As if my mom can read my mind, she places her hand gently on my arm. “You know Daphne was asking about you,” she tells me with a warm smile, and I practically feel Lily flinch, before I cast my gaze to our mom.
“Who?” I ask, genuinely confused about who it is she’s talking about.
“You know, Diane’s daughter, you met her at that fundraiser last year, and then again at the annual Kennedy Foundation Gala,” she reminds me, and it’s only then I remember who she is talking about.
“Right, yes, of course,” I mumble politely, reaching for my drink, and when I flick my gaze back across the table, both Lily and Max are watching me.
“She’s a nice woman,” my mother adds, and I fight off a groan.
“I’m sure she is,” I mutter dryly, so sick of her trying to set me up, but my mom doesn’t seem to get the memo.
“She’s pretty, well-educated, you could do a lot worse.” I know she only has my best interests at heart, but she could not be bringing this up at a worse time.
Lily is leaning further into Max’s side, and I watch his arm drop under the table to no doubt squeeze her thigh in comfort.
It’s something he does often, almost mindlessly, and from the look in her eyes she needs that right now.
Knowing I’m the reason why makes me sick to my stomach, so much so that I want to pour all my secrets out right here and now, let the chips fall where they may.
Some people know, or at least suspect, something already, which I am reminded of when another voice sounds out. “Yeah, she sounds perfect for you,” Jace cuts in with a smirk, his tone so obnoxiously obvious that I see both Marcus and Lincoln looking at him in question.
I can only presume neither him nor Elle have shared what they know about my recent relations, and it only makes me burn hotter. I stare both Lily and Max down, willing myself to admit my feelings, not just to them, but to everyone else too, but the words don’t come.
“If you’ll excuse me, I need another drink.” I don’t wait for a response, pushing away from the table and storming into the kitchen, just to escape the suffocating tension.
When I hear the door open behind me a few seconds later, I don’t have to look to know who it is.
“I personally think you should have declared your undying love for them and been done with it,” Elle says, her tone casual, as she rounds the kitchen island and comes to a stop where she can meet my stare.
She’s smiling, the same insufferable smile she always does when she has worked out people’s secrets, but I can’t help but scoff.
“Yeah I’m sure that would have gone down great, like ‘hey Mom and Dad, not only am I fucking my sister, but apparently I’m also bi and like to suck my best friend’,” I rant, pouring myself a whiskey and knocking it back in my rage.
I’m not sure how Elle knew to say them instead of just Lily, but I guess I’m not hiding my feelings as well as I thought I was.
Which only has me panicking more, because I figured I could just keep treating them like my sister and best friend, and nobody would notice that I can’t keep my eyes off them.
Elle’s entire demeanor softens as she takes a step closer to me. “I mean, I wouldn’t say it like that, but I know they will understand.” She’s using the same tone on me that she uses on Cassie, and I refrain from calling her out for it, because I know it’s only because she cares.
This time I know the ‘they’ she is referring to is my parents, and I wish I had her confidence.
Sure they are great parents, better than most, and have always been there for me in every aspect of my life, but I don’t know about this.
This isn’t just coming out, which, given their other son was bisexual, won’t even be a blip on their radar, but when I tell them who I want, who I need, I’m not sure it will go over so well.
“How could they possibly understand when I don’t even understand it myself?
” I whisper, shaking my head. “How do I explain to the world that the young girl I swore to always love and protect, is now the woman I can’t live without?
That the boy who has been my best friend since we were kids, is now a man I need in more ways than I ever thought possible?
” Too many admissions fall from my lips, but I can’t stop them, even though I know I should.
Elle is already shaking her head. “It’s not as different as you may think, you just feel romantically for them now too,” she explains, and I frown.
“Come on, Z, you should know better than anyone that the world isn’t black and white.
” She moves even closer to me and pulls one of my hands into hers.
“Six years ago you rode into this town without a second thought, to save a sister you had never even met. Marcus’s father was killed for protecting me, and somehow his son still finds it in him to love me.
Jace fell so far into his own personal hell that he saw no way out, and now has a little boy looking up at him like he’s his whole damn world.
” Tears start to shimmer in her eyes, but she squeezes my fingers tight and pushes on.
“Logan died, and still his twin, and the two men he loved, have managed to find happiness without him. Nothing in this world is perfect, but we do the best with what we’ve got, and despite all we have lost, we have still somehow managed to create a little magic.
Don’t let yourself lose it, just because it might not look right to some people who don’t matter anyway. ”
I know she’s right, because of course she is, but still I can’t help but voice my biggest fear. “And what if it doesn’t look right to the people who do matter.” I owe my parents everything, and I can’t bear the thought of them being disappointed in me.
“Then they aren’t the people you thought they were, but you’ll never know unless you give them a chance.” She says the words so simply, like she is so sure everything is just going to work out and be okay, and I don’t blame her.
From meeting her as a broken fourteen-year-old girl, to looking at her now, as a beautiful and strong mother and wife, her resilience has never wavered.
“How did you get so smart?” I ask teasingly, trying to ease the tension, and she smirks, pushing back her tears and putting on that strong front of hers.
“My big brother taught me everything he knows,” she shrugs, just as the kitchen door opens again and my dad sticks his head inside.
“Everything okay?” he asks, that usual, concerned fatherly look on his face, and I force myself to nod.
Of course, he doesn’t buy it for a second, and quickly adds, “How about we go and grab a nightcap?” I know refusing is out of the question, I know his words are code for he wants to talk, plus we haven’t spent a lot of time together lately.
“Sure, Dad, I’d really like that,” I tell him truthfully, and Elle gives my hand one final squeeze, before excusing herself.
I didn't bother going back to the table, my dad had apparently already excused us, so we called a car and headed into the city. Like me, my dad is a whiskey man, but doesn’t like the pretentious feel of Dakota’s, so we head downtown to a little whiskey bar called The Barrel.
“Your brother used to love this place,” my dad starts, looking around, and I wonder if he’s been here since we lost Logan.
The three of us used to frequent this bar on our monthly boys’ night, but I haven’t made it out here since before he died. Now I feel guilty for not keeping up with the tradition, because my dad looks over the moon to be here with me.
“Yeah, he always had expensive taste, even when he was kid,” I reply, remembering the time I tried to bribe him with fifty bucks, and he forced me to make it two hundred.
“He gets that from you,” he tells me with a laugh, and I can’t deny him in the slightest.
I always spoiled the twins, whether it was with my time, attention, or eventually my money, but mostly with my love. I guess that’s what has got me into my current predicament, and I can’t help but wonder what Logan would make of all this.
“You know, sometimes I forget he’s gone.
I’ll hear a song he loves, or see a food he likes, and think about calling him.
It’s only for a second, but then it hits me so hard it’s like I’m winded.
” I don’t know why I tell him that, usually I’m good at hiding my grief, at protecting them from it, but being here just reminds me that he’s not.
My father looks pained by my admission, but not for me, for himself.
“I saved thousands of people when I was a doctor, sure I lost some too, but most of the time, I was able to bring them back from the brink of death and give their families the good news.” He shakes his head as if the memories are too much.
“But I have never felt more helpless than that day in the driveway,” he chokes out, and my eyes begin to sting.
“He was my son and I couldn’t save him, but more than that, it meant I couldn’t save the rest of you either.
Death is painful, but grief is so much worse. ”
Reaching out I place a firm hand on his shoulder, offering him my silent support, as we both just exist in the loss of my brother.
After what feels like an eternity, he clears his throat and changes the subject.
“You know your mother only wants you to be happy, right?” I nod, knowing that’s the truth, and wishing I could tell him that these last few weeks I have been happier than I ever thought possible.
“After things with Rosie didn’t work out she was feeling a little defeated,” he adds, and I cringe slightly at how things turned out with her.
“Have you spoken to her since she left the Hamptons?”
“No, I haven’t,” I reply, not adding the fact I sent an apology text that went ignored, not that I can blame her.
“I guess it’s for the best, she wasn’t right for you anyway,” he replies easily, just as the waiter drops off our drinks.
“I’m starting to think no one is right for me,” I muse, sipping my whiskey and wishing it would burn more than it already is.
“Now we both know that isn’t true,” my dad replies, and I look at him with a frown.
“Look son, sometimes the things that make us happy don’t always look normal to other people,” he starts, sounding a little too much like Elle did, forcing me to swallow a deep gulp of my drink just for something to do.
“We’ve all learned the hard way these past few years, that if you find someone you care about, you should hold on to them as tightly as you can, for as long as you can.
And I just want you to know that your mother and I love you no matter what. ”
His words render me almost speechless, because I’m not sure if he’s just saying this because he’s my dad, or because he can see right through the facade I have been putting on.
Is he giving me his blessing?
No he can’t be, that’s ridiculous, what normal father would do that?
But then again, we aren’t exactly a normal family.
We’re not blood, but we love each other more than most people do, and that’s always been what’s mattered.
They adopted me when my birth mother gave me up, they adopted the twins when their biological parents died, and took Elle in like she was their own when she was at her lowest. When Cassie was born they didn’t think twice about stepping up as grandparents, and supported Elle and Asher any way they could.
They are both amazing, but could they support this?
“Even if the people I care about are unexpected choices?” I ask carefully, testing the waters, but my father doesn’t even flinch.
“You have always exceeded my expectations Son, and I have no doubt that who you choose to love won’t change that, no matter who they are.”
They. He said they.
“I love you, Dad,” I tell him proudly, pulling him in for a hug, and he responds instantly.
“I love you, Son.”
We stay in the bar for two hours after that. We drink whiskey and relive memories from mine and the twins' childhood, and by the time we leave, I am feeling lighter than I have in months. I let my father take the car home, and I hail a cab with only one destination in mind.