Chapter 37
LILY
Dinner in Black Hallows was great. I got to see all my family, snuggle both my nieces, and watch Cash drive Asher to the brink of insanity.
It felt like old times, or as close to old times as we are ever going to get, with one notably missing piece, but that’s not why I'm struggling to sleep. No, that would be thanks to my brother, the one who sat across from me all afternoon, fighting what I know he feels for us. The last couple of weeks have been a dream come true, and sure, I might be exhausted and having more orgasms than is normal, but I’m happy.
Something I never thought I’d feel again.
Max is sleeping softly beside me, having told me at least a hundred times today that things are good and Zack is ours, but still I feel something is missing.
Zack does feel like ours, I feel it every time we are all together, even when we are not together, but then night time comes and he puts this distance between us.
I don’t know if it’s for his benefit, or he thinks it’s for ours, but either way I hate it.
Slipping out of bed, I grab my robe and silently creep out of my bedroom.
The apartment is dark, save for the low level lights, and I move until I grab myself a glass of water, taking a seat on one of my chairs by the floor to ceiling windows.
Even at almost midnight the view is outstanding, but that’s just what New York City is like.
I’m not sure how long I sit there, but it’s enough for me to startle when I hear my front door unlock and push open. I turn toward it, surprised to see Zack sneaking inside in a move I’m sure he thinks is undetected, but as soon as he closes the door behind him, his stare lands on mine.
We stare at one another for a moment before I quietly say, “Resuming your nightly checks?” We both know my question is sarcastic, and Zack doesn’t respond as he walks across the room and takes a seat in the chair beside me, looking over the city.
“Are you okay?” I finally ask, and again he remains quiet for a moment before he responds to me, but then he shakes his head.
“No, I’m not okay,” he sighs, swiping his hands down his face, and I don’t stop myself from standing up and climbing into his lap, just like the night that started all of this.
“Talk to me, please,” I beg, putting my hands around his neck and loving that he automatically moves his to rest on my waist.
“I don’t know how to do this,” he starts, and I open my mouth to talk but he shakes his head.
“I don’t know how to just take what I want, especially when what I want is societally wrong.
” I know what he means. As CEO of Royton Tech, he has the biggest stake in all of this when it comes to our non-conventional relationship, but still I scoff.
“Fuck society, who cares what anyone thinks,” I snap, and his hands tighten around my waist.
“Really, you think this won’t have some blowback? How are we going to handle that? How is Mom?” he seethes, and this time I have nothing to say in response, because I hadn’t even thought of that.
Sure, I knew we would probably get some looks, maybe even some comments, but I knew I would just bat them off and keep my head up high, but what about my parents?
They are well-respected members of society, in all their circles, and have already had to deal with grieving their child in front of them all.
How will it be if they also have to deal with this?
“So we just give up?” I ask, voice shaking, and Zack sighs.
“I’m not saying that, of course I’m not, but we still have a lot of stuff we need to think about if this is going to work.”
“But you want it to? Work I mean?” I hate how vulnerable my voice sounds, but that’s all it takes for him to soften completely.
“Of course I do, sweetheart, I want it more than I have ever wanted anything.”
“Then just kiss me, we can worry about everything else tomorrow.”
The second our lips collide, all my worries melt away and I sink into him completely.
He rips open my robe and I pull at his jeans until I can free his cock, lining it with my entrance and sliding down onto him right there.
We fuck under the moonlight slowly, our mouths barely coming up for air, and our hands not leaving one another for even a second.
By the time we are through, all my worries have melted away, but I know when I wake up tomorrow, I’ll have to put on my big girl pants and deal with it all.
Max was in no way surprised to find Zack wrapped around me when we woke up in bed this morning, and after my late night activities, I’m happy to be staying in bed while they both get up for work.
They took a suspiciously long time in the shower, and came out looking flushed, but then I got two goodbye kisses before they were on their way.
I fell back asleep for a couple more hours, before getting up and showering myself and getting dressed. I find my breakfast already made and kept warm on the stove, and a fresh pot of coffee waiting for me. I enjoy both, while I talk myself into what I know I need to do next.
The second I send the text message, I go into panic mode, rushing around my apartment and tidying up just for something to do.
When I get the response I expected, I head down to the cafe on the corner and grab some sandwiches, cakes, and their freshly-squeezed juice.
Once I am back in my apartment, I set the table with the fancy china I got for my twenty-first birthday, and arrange the things I bought just in time for my guest to knock at the door.
Taking a deep breath, I smooth down my top and head in the direction of the door, checking my appearance one more time before I pull it open.
“Hey Mom,” I greet with a forced smile, and she returns it with a genuine, warm one of her own.
“Hi Darling,” she gushes, stepping inside and pulling me in instantly for a hug. “Thank you so much for inviting me.” I know her words are genuine, but they hit me a little hard when I realize this is the first time I have actually invited her over since before Logan died.
“Of course, come on in.” I step aside and gesture inside the apartment, closing the door behind her, before leading her to the dining area.
“Oh,” she gasps in surprise. “Oh my, this looks lovely, you didn’t have to do all this, dear,” she tells me, and I bite back a smile, because I don’t once remember my mom never not being just a little fancy in everything.
“What’s lunch without a little flair?” I reply, reciting words I heard on repeat growing up, and she beams up at me, sliding into a chair at one of the two place settings.
I take the other one and serve us both a juice, leaving the sandwiches and cakes on the tray I placed them on, so we can easily pick at them.
I can feel my mother watching me, not in a scrutinizing way, more in an assessing way, like she is trying to work out why I invited her over.
Not that I can blame her, we haven’t exactly been catching up a lot like this over the last year, and I know she has been worried about me.
“I’m really glad you invited me over, we haven’t done this in ages,” she says carefully, and I know she’s trying to tiptoe around the situation, so I smile.
“Yeah well, therapy has been really helping me recently, Dr. Hollis said I have been making great progress and the meds seem to be working so…” I trail off, not sure what else to say, as I try not to fidget under her watchful stare.
“I’m really proud of you, Darling, you look great and I’m glad you’re doing better.” It’s only now as she beams at me that I truly see the toll everything has taken on her. She didn’t just lose Logan, she lost me too.
“I’m sorry if I scared you,” I whisper, and she reaches out instantly and slips her hand into mine. “I was just drowning without him, and I forgot which way was up for a while.”
My mom nods in understanding. “You don’t have to apologize to me, if it weren’t for you and your brother, I don’t know if I would have survived either.”
Her words hit me in the center of my chest, causing the ache I am so accustomed to, to intensify even more. I don’t know what I would do if I lost anyone else, especially the guys, so I take the opportunity at the mention of my brother to open up.
“I wouldn’t have made it through the last year if it weren’t for Zack and Max,” I tell her truthfully, and she smiles softly.
“Your brother was always good at putting everyone else first,” she replies, and I nod slowly, trying to put together what to say next, when she adds, “And I’m so glad you and Max found one another in your grief.”
Again I nod, struggling to know how to say what I want to say without just ripping off the band aid. “Yeah, I really am lucky,” I force out, my heart hammering in my chest, as my mom looks at me more seriously this time.
“What’s wrong, Darling?” Her hand tightens around mine and I can feel the tension through her hold on me, only making me more anxious.
“I have something to tell you and I’m scared about what you’re going to say,” I whisper, wishing I could remember the breathing techniques that Dr. Hollis taught me.
My mom instantly turns toward me fully, shoving her chair a little closer and giving me her full attention. “You can tell me anything, my darling girl, you know that.” I can tell from the look on her face how worried she is, but it’s now or never.
Inhaling deeply, I say the three words that I have been hiding for what feels like forever. “I love Zack.”
My words register and she nods. “I know, Darling,” she coos, as if waiting for more, but I’m already shaking my head.
“No, I mean, I love him. I’m in love with Zack.”
This time her entire body freezes, confusion lining her features, as she tries and fails to process this. “I’m not sure I understand.” Her voice shakes slightly, her hand going loose around mine, and I feel like the world is falling out from under my feet.
I knew this could happen, I knew I could admit my feelings and that it could ruin everything, but I love him enough to do it anyway.
“I know how wrong this is, that what I’m saying is crazy, I mean he’s my brother,” I scoff with a laugh, so sick of thinking of him that way, when he is so much more than that.
“I tried not to feel this way,” I add in a whisper, my gaze falling to my lap, where my free hand is pulling like crazy at a loose thread on my pants, before forcing my eyes back to my mom.
She still looks surprised, but the confusion is melting away, as she fully digests what I’m saying.
“Honestly, I have been trying not to feel this way from the day I first became your daughter, but it’s impossible.
I know he’s the last person I ever should have fallen for, but I did it anyway. ”
The pressure on my chest is less heavy after my admission, but my mom is still staring at me. She opens and closes her mouth a few times, as if looking for the right words to say, before she settles on, “What about Max?”
I guess I shouldn’t be surprised by her question, it isn’t that long ago that Max and I announced our relationship, and out of everything she could have said, that’s probably the best. Knowing there is no point denying anything or going back now, I stick with the truth.
“I love him too.” I don’t want to go into all the details of how Max and I started, but I need her to understand.
“We were seeing each other before everything that happened,” I wave off, not needing to say my brother’s name.
“At first it was a distraction from who we both wanted,” I say carefully, watching as understanding dawns on her.
“But it became more than that, and trust me I tried to push him away, but he just kept coming back. He didn’t give up on me when I needed him most, and now, well, now I’m in love with both of them.
” My mom still remains quiet, and I’m sure she is trying her best to process all of this, but I keep pushing on.
“Max loves me, and I think Zack does too. He’s scared and cares too much about what everyone will think, but I’m sick of fighting this, of hiding it. ”
“This is a lot to process over lunch,” my mom finally forces out in response, and I nod.
“I know, and I’m sorry, but losing Logan made me realize how short life is.
I mean, he was in love with two people and the three of them were perfect together, but they wasted so much time.
” Tears gather in her eyes and my throat burns, but I keep going.
“I don’t want to wait until I’m bleeding out to admit who I love. ”
She’s quiet for a long time when I finish speaking, and it makes me nervous, but eventually she leans forward and pulls me into a hug.
Her embrace feels just as warm and safe as it always has, and I let myself sink into it.
“You know you’ve always been the child who needed me the least,” she starts softly, pulling back to look at me.
“You had your own mind even at five years old, and your heart was locked up tight. It took you a long time to let yourself be my daughter, but I knew from the moment I met you that we were destined, you and I. So though this is hard for me to process, I know that if they made their way into your heart, then that was their destiny too.”
Tears are tracking their way down my cheek and she reaches up and swipes them away, but they just keep coming. “I need you now, Mom,” I plead, and she nods, pulling me in for another hug.
“You’ve got me, darling girl, always.”