Chapter 12
SLIP
THE PAST – EARLY JUNE – 11 MONTHS AGO
9:23p.m.
Me: Mads, You home yet?
Maddy: At airport. Luggage taking forever.
Me: I’m home. Long day of tour meetings. Brain won’t switch off.
Maddy: You okay?
Me: No. Want you. Naked.
Maddy: Tempting but I’ll see you tomorrow night.
Me: I could really do with some...stress relief.
Maddy: Couldn’t we all.
Me: Everything’s just fucked up.
Maddy: What’s going on?
Me: Tour blowing up to be huge. Rehearsal schedule is insane. More promo planned.
Maddy: I feel you. Been there. Done that.
Me: Can I come see you? Just chill?
Maddy: That all?
Me: No. I’d like that mouth of yours wrapped around my cock so I can watch you suck me off. Then, I’ll make you come, bury myself inside you, set that on repeat.
Maddy: Tomorrow.
Me: Can’t wait that long. Need to see you.
Maddy: Mom’s got friends over. Not ideal.
Me: Come to my place.
Maddy: ...
...
Okay. I’ll be there in 1hr.
***
Lying in bed, I stared up at the exposed beams on my ceiling. Maddy lay naked beside me, asleep. Our legs and arms were entwined beneath the crisp white sheet. She’d certainly helped relieve some stress...but not all of it. Far from it.
My house, after months of disarray, and me living from room to room during the renovation, was a week or two off completion. My master bedroom, with dark wooden floors, a massive walk-in closet, and a huge en suite that overlooked the private tropical garden and pool, was finally finished. The view through the large full-length windows out onto the hillside, with no neighbors looking over the fence line, no cityscape or sea of sprawling lights, was perfect. I love being tucked away from the chaos of LA that lay only a few miles away—and the smell of fresh paint mixed with the divine scent of Maddy and sex.
This, lying here with her, was heaven. Just what I needed.
So much had happened during the past few months, I’d struggled to keep up.
No . . . I wasn’t keeping up.
Since my band’s new single had dropped three months ago, followed by our album being released a few weeks later and our tour announcement, we’d traveled across the country on promotional duties. We’d been on TV shows and radio stations. We’d performed, partied, and played at every opportunity for publicity. The best thing was we’d topped the charts, and tickets for our shows across the globe had nearly sold out. Our faces covered magazines, billboards, and buses. Our music was constantly on the radio and topping streaming services.
We were on a fucking high.
We’d exceeded everyone’s expectations. Especially Ashlem’s, our marketing company and tour promoter.
That rocket we’d gotten on had taken off. Big time.
But fuck ...my hip ached. My mind raced. Life was getting faster and faster. I didn’t know how to maintain this pace. Rehearsals and the tour hadn’t even started.
But then Maddy wriggled against me. I kissed the top of her head, savored the feel of her in my arms, and breathed her in. Yeah...there was my calm.
She lifted her chin, smiled a sleepy smile and blinked her gorgeous brown eyes open.
“Morning,” she whispered.
“Morning.” I kissed the tip of her nose, then her lips. “I like waking up next to you. It’s become a regular thing when you’re in town.”
“Yeah. Last night was fun.”
“We should do this more often.”
Trouble dug fine grooves into her brow. She pulled her gaze from mine and played with the hairs on my chest. “We can’t... I’m only in LA once every two weeks, or randomly here and there. You’re going on tour in a few months. You’ll have an endless supply of women to keep you...entertained.”
“I don’t want anyone else. I like this. Just being with you.” So much for not wanting a relationship. We were in one. A strange, complicated, hassle-free one. But we couldn’t stay like this forever. I wanted to tell the world we were together but also protect what we had. Time with Maddy was rare. But those stolen moments were the only element in my life I had some form of control over. They were just about us. Problem was, I wanted to spend more and more time with her .
She slid her hand down my stomach and teased her fingernails through my happy trail. “You say that now until some girl sneaks backstage and wants to blow you.”
I caught her hand, rolled toward her, and gave her a mischievous look. “There’s only one girl’s mouth I want around my dick, and that’s yours.”
Her eyes glinted as she blushed. “I don’t believe you.”
“It’s the truth.” I didn’t regret my past. I’d had fun. But sometimes I wished people saw beyond my reputation. Maddy still had her reservations about me. I wanted to erase every one of them.
I linked our fingers and kissed her fingertips. “But this has evolved into more than just hooking up. You can’t deny that.” Half-hovering above her, I teased my lips against hers. “Tell me this isn’t something.”
Burying my hands into her hair, I deepened our kiss. Her sweet taste and touch tampered with my heart. Every time I was with her, I never wanted to leave. My dick sprung to life, agreeing. I clutched her ass and drove my hard-on against her belly, just to let her know what she did to me.
She smiled against my mouth. “You’re insatiable.”
“Only around you.” Grinning, I flopped onto my back, drawing her with me into my arms.
“That is a problem.” With a twinkle in her eyes, she nestled against my chest, her head on my shoulder. “Slip, there’s always been something between us. But this is all we can be.”
“No, Mads. We can be more.” My feelings for her wouldn’t relent. “We can’t stay hidden forever.”
“I like the way things are.” She planted soft kisses against my collarbone. “This is our thing. It’s not tainted by the outside world. I like that you’re my escape from reality.”
“Hmmm.” I hooked my finger beneath her chin and lifted it. I wriggled my eyebrows. “Are you saying I’m your fantasy? ”
“I didn’t say that.” She giggled, play-punching me in the arm, and rolled back onto the pillows. “No egos here, thanks.”
“None.” I shuffled around to face her and swept her hair back over her shoulder, combing my fingers through the soft strands. I loved just lying next to her, looking at her, breathing her in. However, life had changed. “But with our lives getting crazier, I’m not sure we’ll be able to keep this a secret for much longer. I’m followed by paparazzi. Your show is getting more popular. I hate keeping shit from the guys.” I caressed her soft cheek. My gaze locked onto hers. My heart beat with a slow, aching, unrelenting rhythm. “Mads...go out with me. Officially be mine. I want the world to know I’m yours.”
Her breath hitched. A storm of emotions—fear, love, excitement, and dread—darted across her beautiful eyes. She slammed them shut and stilled. “Can we hold on to this just a little longer?” Strain hovered in her barely audible voice. “My show’s new season launches at the end of next month. We have a publicity tour. I don’t want to be harassed during interviews. Can we please wait?”
“Mads, don’t stress.” I kissed her furrowed brow, willing her worries away. “Just be mine. I’ve got so much shit going on, I’m okay with holding off telling everyone for now.”
She glided her hand over my chest. Her sensual touch tapped at my nervous heart. Tore at it too. I wanted to be with her. Not sure if that was a good thing or not. We rarely saw each other, but I was under her spell. She was my calm, my confidant, my strength and coping mechanism. She was my escape too.
“Thank you.” Her gaze softened as she realigned the sheet over our waists and covered her chest. “We didn’t get the chance to talk much last night.” Her small, contagious smile was hard not to mimic. When she’d arrived at my house, we’d barely said a word. We’d just fucked, needing each other. But as her fingertips circled and played with my nipple, her lips morphed into a concerned frown. “Is everything alright? In your texts, around all the dirty, hot things you wanted us to do...and did...you didn’t hide the fact that you’re stressed. You have been for weeks. Talk to me. What’s going on?”
Just being there with her calmed the clatter inside my head. “You got that, huh?”
“Yeah.” She tapped a finger against my chest. “You wanna talk about it?”
Most days, I struggled to make sense of what was going on inside my brain and with the unease that I felt brewing in my soul. I took a deep breath to align my messy, muddled thoughts into some comprehensible form. “Have you ever been so excited about something but then freaked out and worried it might be your biggest mistake?”
“Yes. When I was engaged to Noah.” Too much heartache drifted through her quiet tone. I hated how much he’d hurt her. I was sure there was more to the story than she’d let on. Maybe one day she’d tell me. We’d all had those relationships we wished we could forget.
I let out something that resembled a low, sympathetic chuckle and rubbed her arm. “I’m not talking about relationships. I meant work.”
“Oh. Sorry. My bad.” She tugged and realigned the pillow beneath her head and edged an inch closer. “So what’s happened?”
I took her hand in mine and clutched it against the center of my chest. I needed some grounding. An anchor. She was it. “I don’t know if I’m just stressed...or if it’s everyday shit people think about. They’re constant thoughts. Concerns. Stupid crap that won’t go away.”
“Like what? I promise I won’t repeat anything you say. I cross my heart and hope to die.” She made a cross sign with her fingers over her heart, then placed her hand on mine. “I’m here for you, like you’re there for me. I’ll listen, hold you, eat ice cream if needed, or help in any way I can.”
Warmth from her touch spread across my skin. But the pressure in my head grew, forming a dull ache behind my eyes. “I don’t want to scare you away.”
“I’m sure I can handle it. You put up with my mom. I’d thought you would’ve run away after you met her and saw what I dealt with on a daily basis.”
“Nothing about you scares me, Maddy.” I linked our fingers together and kissed her hand. “I hope you feel the same way about me.”
“Slip, I’m not gonna lie. We have things to work through. And we will. In time. But today is about you.” She touched my cheek. “Please? Tell me what’s going on?”
Did I just fall for her even more? Yep.
But my mind didn’t stop whirling. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath to find a clear path through the jungle. “Have you ever jumped on a roller coaster, got buckled in for the ride...but wished you’d stayed on the Ferris wheel?”
“Yes.” Her voice softened as her head sank deeper into the pillow. “That’s my life. I’m stuck in the carriage, going around and around, and I have no way of getting off.”
Yeah. She gets me. “That’s me, too, only mine is spinning at a sonic speed, getting faster and faster and faster.” Even as I said those words, it felt like the floor beneath me was giving way.
“Are you stressing about the tour?”
“Every day.” My pulse thudded like a dull, never-ending drum inside my head. “The plans for the next year or so are overwhelming. I have this constant level of stress I’ve never had before. There’s this presence of guilt, this high, this love, this want, this underlying tank of fear that cripples me.”
“Shh.” She brushed her thumb across the stubble above my lip and stroked her soft fingertips down my cheek. Each touch was a soothing balm. “It’s okay. Just breathe. Let’s break it down. One by one. What do you feel guilty about?”
Fuck! Where do I begin? I draped my hand over her hip and rubbed my thumb across the sheet covering her skin. The simple contact helped settle my racing mind. “We’d always planned to do another album and tour with Phil. That was the dream. And he’s not here. I miss him so much it hurts.” Every muscle in my ribs ached as nausea gnawed at the lining of my gut. “But we found Lewis. He’s so talented. Became an incredible friend so quickly. He’s come into our life like it was meant to be. He’s a Flintlock through and through. Is that fucked up or what?”
She flattened her hand over my heart. “It’s okay to feel those things. Losing someone is hard. But Phil would want you to be happy and continue to play. You love music so much and are so good at it—don’t feel bad about moving on or connecting with someone new. Good friends are difficult to find in this business. Just remember the fabulous times you had with Phil and be grateful you can keep doing what you love.”
“I am.” My voice scraped my throat in a rough whisper. “Playing every day with the guys is wicked.” I had to remember that. Life was fucking good.
“Is there a but to that?”
Hmph. She read me too well as tension twisted in my temples. “Everything is different after the success of the album. There’s this new pressure and responsibility to make the tour bigger, put on more shows, turn our concerts into extravagant events. There are more sponsors and stakeholders to make happy.” My blood pressure skyrocketed just thinking about the months ahead. “Ashlem has already added additional shows into our schedule for the UK, Paris, and Munich, and would add more if they could.”
Maddy rubbed the center of my chest. “Hey? It’s okay. Just breathe. ”
So I did. In and out. In and out.
But my lungs ached. “Mads, I love my band so fucking much. I don’t ever want to let them down. We’ve done well. We have awesome fans. We’ve completed two tours, traveled to and played at some incredible places. But it was never this crazy before.” Dizziness swam through my head. “Now...we’re everywhere, and there is so much happening around us, I’m worried I won’t keep up.”
“Do the guys know how you feel?”
“No.” I winced.
“You should tell them. They’ll understand. Possibly even feel the same way. You support each other through everything. Stand up for what you need and get them onboard if you need to make some changes.”
I wished it were that easy. “They were so excited when we signed with Ashlem...I was too...but then reality hits, and the wheel turns, and things take off, and you go fuck...how did this happen? What have we done? Now there’s no going back. We can’t change anything.”
“I’ve seen you play.” She trailed her fingertips over my tattooed arm and followed one of the dark bands around my forearms. “You’re incredible. I’m sure once the tour kicks off and you’ve done a few shows, you won’t worry about these things. If you do, just close your eyes and pretend that you’re here with me...or better yet, just jamming with the guys in Flint’s studio. Just having fun.”
I would definitely think of her...but music? Oh, yeah. My fingers flitted against Maddy’s hip, like they were strumming the strings on my guitar. Visions of performing on stage underneath flashing lights skipped behind my eyelids. “I get so lost in the music sometimes, I don’t see anything. I just feel the beat, the energy, the electric vibe coursing through my veins.”
“Isn’t that awesome? ”
“Yeah...it is. I love performing live. It’s a total adrenaline rush.”
“I love acting, but I don’t get that kind of buzz.” She softened her tone and stared at my chest. “I just love being someone I’m not. Living someone’s life and stepping into a different world that isn’t my own. It’s incredible.”
I understood that now more than anything. Her mom’s health played a huge part in her wanting that escape.
I hooked my finger beneath her chin and tilted her head back. “We both act for a living, but I like who you are in reality.”
“Our reality never lasts long. Snippets of time with you aren’t enough.”
“No. One day we’ll have more time together, Mads. But my life isn’t my own for the foreseeable future. ”
“Neither is mine.” Sadness swallowed the light from her eyes. “So is that all that is bothering you about the tour?”
I slid my fingers over the fine line of her throat. Her pulse thrumming against my fingertips was the distraction I needed from the painful fractures in my heart. “No. I’m worried about my hip. It’s been playing up since Big Bear.”
“You had it checked, right?” She eased the sheet off my waist and traced the faded scars on the upper edge of my tattooed hipbone.
“Yeah. I had new scans and more injections. The doctors gave me stronger anti-inflammatory meds and pain-killers. But nothing’s really helped. I just want the aches to stop.” And the haunting memories to end. Surfing on dusk. The huge swell. Being wiped out. Black water swirling around me. The rope ripping my ankle. The seawater burning my lungs. Pain as I smashed into rocks. Then...nothing . I wouldn’t be there today if Phil hadn’t saved me. “I don’t know what to do if the meds and crap don’t work. I can’t play in agony every night.”
“You can if you take it easy. ”
“Not my style.”
“Sometimes you have to be sensible.”
Yeah . . . that sucks. “I hate being on meds.”
I’d told her everything about my past. How losing Phil had shocked us guys into cleaning up our act. But she didn’t know how much I fought against the craving for a hit every day. I’d thought it would weaken with time, but it never did.
“I know you do.” She took my hand and held it curled against her chest. “Just be careful with them and don’t end up like Mom or Phil.”
“I don’t want to. Not ever.” I shook my head against the pillow. “But I’m not always strong. I’m not an angel.”
“No one is perfect.” Understanding lingered in her whisper. “You don’t have to be. I’m not either. Far from it. But if you ever struggle or need to talk or feel like you’re faltering, call me.”
“I will.” God, I love her . . . Holy shit . . . I love Maddy.
“Slip? You’ve seen addiction.” So had Maddy via her mom. “You’ve lost someone to it. Remember what that was like?” Sadness clouded her eyes as she gave my hand a gentle shake. “Don’t go down that path. Stay focused on what you love and what’s important—your friends, your music, your family—and you’ll be okay.”
“I’ll do my best.” I hooked my arm underneath her head and drew her into my embrace. As I held her tight, a warm wave like nothing I’d ever experienced before swirled through my chest, washed over my body and wrapped around me, drawing me closer and closer to Maddy. I’d do anything to see her, be with her, be all that she needed. “But I think I’ve found something just as, if not more, important to add onto that list. I have another reason that has me wanting to be a better man...and one that has me questioning everything about who I am—my music, my band, and my future direction.”
“What’s that? ”
I smiled, tilted her chin up, and touched my lips to hers. “You.”