Chapter 37
SLIP
With my acoustic guitar slung over my shoulder, I dragged my suitcase behind me and headed into the reception area of the rehab center. In my free hand, I flicked my reward chip into the air, caught it, then clutched it tight in my palm. Thirty days. Clean and sober. I hadn’t had a line of cocaine since the night of Sutton’s party. I’d weaned off the oxy within a week and had injections to make it through to the end of the tour. I’d cut back on the booze and had my last shot of vodka during our end-of-tour celebrations. After I had my hip surgery, I’d refused to take anything stronger than an Advil for a few days, but now I was completely off them too. Intense physical therapy, long sessions with a psychologist, and much-needed rest had given me a new lease on life. I had no pain in my hip.
If I was being honest with myself, I hadn’t felt this fucking great, this full of energy, this clear-minded, in years.
To focus on my recovery, I’d removed myself from all our band’s obligations for the up-and-coming awards season. I’d had to. Too many after-parties and functions would make it too tempting to slip back into old habits. The guys would attend without me. With no plans to record, write, or perform, it was scary as fuck, but exhilarating. If only Maddy was part of my unknown future.
But I’d deserved to lose her. I’d fucked up. I’d dealt with that mess in therapy.
I just wasn’t sure my heart would ever recover.
She was the reason I got clean. Even though she wasn’t around, I did this for her...and me. To prove I was strong. And ensure my problem wouldn’t ever become an issue ever again. I was a good person. I just got a bit screwed up. But I never lost sight of what I wanted. Maddy . She just couldn’t hold on. That hurt, but I understood where she came from. I would’ve walked away from me too.
“See ya, Jo.” I waved to the therapist typing madly behind her computer in the small office.
She looked up and waved. “Bye, Sebastian. It was an honor to help you. But I hope I never see you again.”
Smiling, I nodded. “Same. Thank you for everything. Ciao.”
I pulled the heavy glass door open and stepped out into the desert sunshine. A blast of fresh October air hit my face. I filled my lungs to capacity, then let my breath out slowly. Damn . It was good to be alive.
Lewis stood leaning against my Camaro. Fucker really needed to buy his own car. But it was good to see someone familiar.
I yanked my suitcase down the steps. The wheels clacked and clattered against the tiled steps.
“How you doing?” Lewis gave me a big hug. “Fuuuuck! You look good.”
“I’m feeling it too.”
He stepped back and clutched my arms. “How was it?”
I showed him my chip. “Thirty days. Clean and sober.”
“That’s so freaking cool. Congrats.” He jutted his chin toward the front door. “I hope I never have to visit one of these places. ”
“I’m not gonna lie—it was hard. But worth it. If you kick the drugs and tone down the booze, I’m sure you won’t have to.” I wheeled my suitcase around to the back of the car and tossed it into the trunk.
“I’ve already done that.” Lewis slid into the driver’s seat as I took to the passenger side. “I want to be a dad, so it’s time I grow up.”
“No baby yet?” I asked, clipping in my seatbelt.
“Not yet. But having a lot of fun trying.” He threw me a mischievous grin as he started the car. She purred to life, ready to take off.
“Good to hear.” I lowered my sunglasses and wriggled them into place. “I’m dying for a burger and fries. Can we pick up something on the way home?”
“Absolutely.” He nodded. “Let’s go.”
It took just over two and a half hours to get back to LA thanks to the traffic. After swinging by In-N-Out, Lewis pulled into my driveway and stopped by the front door rather than pulling into the garage.
“What are you doing?” I asked, stuffing the last of my fries into my mouth and licking the salt from my fingertips.
“I’ve got to pick up Tia from Chloe’s. She spent the afternoon catching up with her and Duke. I won’t be long. You gonna be okay for an hour?”
Why was there no welcome party for me coming home from rehab? Okay. I was a grown man. I shouldn’t have expected my friends to be here with open arms, balloons, and streamers ...but it would’ve been nice. “Um. Yeah. Sure.”
Lewis draped his wrist over the top of the steering wheel and flicked a finger toward the front door. “We’ve cleared out all the alcohol and raided your room and the entire house for drugs. Hope that was okay. Tough shit if it wasn’t. We didn’t want you to be tempted by anything lying around. ”
“No, man...that’s cool.” I bobbed my head and drew my eyebrows together. “Did you get the coke out of the tin behind the bar?”
“Yep.”
“The pills in my desk, bathroom and nightstand?”
“Yep.”
Fuck! They’d done good.
I’d given back Blake’s key chain during the tour. My stash at home was gone. Nothing remained. Perfect. I rested my head against the seat and turned toward Lewis. Curiosity got the better of me. “What did you do with everything?”
“Gave it to Duke. Tia and I didn’t even keep any of it, so don’t go into our room hunting for anything.”
I chuckled. “I’d never do that. I’d be afraid of what I might find.”
He cocked an eyebrow. “You might find something you like.”
“No. I’m good. I hope you found nothing too scary in my room.”
“Oh, we did.” His eyes glinted in the afternoon light. “You kinky fuck.”
Puffing air through my nose, I grinned. “No worse than you.”
“Definitely not.” He pointed at the car door. “Now move it, so I can go get Tia.”
“Thanks for picking me up. It means a lot to me.” I gave him a hug. “I love you. I’ll see you soon.”
I hopped out of the car, grabbed my suitcase out of the trunk, and dragged it inside.
But as I left it at the foot of the staircase, my heart stumbled against my ribs.
Maddy eased off the sofa and took a few tentative steps toward me. Dressed in a floaty yellow dress, she drifted toward me like an angel floating on a cloud.
“Hey,” she whispered .
My throat ran dry. So many emotions pummeled me from all angles and directions—love, hurt, confusion, hope, anger. “What are you doing here?”
“Welcoming you home.” She talked through clenched teeth, like her jaw was wired together.
I grimaced. What was wrong with her mouth? “You shouldn’t be here.” I took a step back. “We’re not married anymore.”
“Yes, we are.”
“Fuck.” I rubbed my brow. “I told you to file the annulment. If you won’t do it, I will.”
She took a small step forward. “I wanted to see you first.”
“Why?” I charged past her over to the kitchen to put more space between us.
“Because I care about you.” She followed me.
“Well, here I am.” I held my hands out wide. “I’m clean. Sober. Now you’ve seen me, you can leave.”
“Slip, please.” She lowered her chin. “Can we just talk?”
“Maddy, I spent half the fucking time in rehab talking about you. Taking responsibility for the crap I’ve done. I’m sorry I couldn’t make you happy. But I’ve come to terms with my mistakes. Owned my part in our failure. I still need therapy and time to get over you. So please don’t make this any harder than it is.”
“I know you’ve gone through a lot.” She headed over to the full-length window that overlooked the back garden and stared out across the yard. “I’ve been the shittiest wife and own my share of our problems. I’ve been going to therapy too, to deal with my trust issues, my insecurities, my health, and oh my God, my mother.” She half-turned her head toward me, lowered her chin, and looked at the ground. “You weren’t the only one who made mistakes. I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like you weren’t enough. You always have been. It just took me too long to realize that. ”
I clutched onto the edge of the counter to steady myself, to keep the six feet of distance between us. “Maddy, I have loved you since we met. I just wanted everything between us to be right. I hated being apart. Hated that the drugs got to me. Hated that nothing I said or did made you believe me when I said you were the only woman for me.”
She glanced out the window again. “Do you still feel that way?”
My shoulders slumped. Where was this going? “What do you want, Maddy?”
She spun to face me. “You. Us to work.”
My heart skipped a beat then thundered toward my throat. She wanted me. Why now? What has changed? Nothing. I closed my eyes and shook my head. “I’m not supposed to be with anyone. It’s part of the rehab process of getting back into the land of the living.”
“But I’m your wife.” Still talking through her tensed jaw, she clutched her crossed hands against her chest. “I want to be here for you. Support you. Love you. Help you. Every fucking day.”
I dug my nails into the counter. Where had she been two months ago? Four weeks ago? When I was falling apart? “That’s not a good idea right now.”
“Okay.” Tears welled in her eyes. “I’ll wait. Until you’re ready. I don’t want to lose you, Slip.”
My knees buckled. I’d wanted to hear those words months ago. I couldn’t bear the thought of falling for her all over again, only to have her leave when times get tough.
“What if I fuck up, Maddy?” Pain shuddered through my chest. “Are you gonna walk away again?” Anguish coiled through my veins. “I can’t guarantee anything. But I’m gonna do my fucking best to fight the burning urge inside of me and not reach for a bottle of vodka, or a pill, or coke, every motherfucking second of the day. ”
“I want to help you do that.” She flicked a tear from her cheek. Concern flashed in her eyes, but she didn’t balk. “I want to give you a reason to go forward, not backward. I want to fix us, Slip.”
“Why?” Exasperation shot out with my breath.
“I love you.” She closed her eyes and swayed on her feet. “You’re my addiction.”
“You should get help for that.” I smirked as I puffed air through my nose. “I know a good place.”
A tiny smile played across her lips. “There’s no cure, so please be mine.”
I swiped and rubbed my hand over my mouth. Thoughts bombarded my mind. Could I do this? Be with her like I’d planned? Fuck. She was all I’d wanted for the past two years. I wasn’t sure there was much more crap life could throw at us. She was here. Still my wife. She wanted us to work. That meant something...or everything. Or was it just another disaster waiting to happen? “I come with a lot of issues.”
“So do I.” She lowered her chin. “I’ve drowned myself in work and kept everyone at a distance for so long to avoid getting hurt. But I fell for you, hard. And it scared me.” She walked over to the wall where I had several platinum plaques mounted. “I didn’t want to distract you from your music or be a reason that would stop you from reaching new heights.” She tilted her head back. “I had my mother in my ear and taking care of her took up more and more time. But that’s changed now.” She dragged her fingers along the glass frames of the plaques. “Funny thing...Bridget is going to take care of Mom full-time. She’s moving in...like in, in.” Her brow furrowed, but then she smiled. “They’ve developed a companionship and are going to see if it turns into something more.”
My eyes widened and my mouth fell open. “You’re mom’s bi? ”
Maddy giggled, but she kept her lips smacked together. As she glanced at the floor, her hair curtained her face. “Seems she’s open to exploring the idea.”
“Well, fuck me.”
“Totally right.”
Why wouldn’t she look at me? She did everything to avoid meeting my gaze. The niggle in the base of my neck twisted tighter. This wasn’t like her. It was doing my head and heart in. She’d said she loved me but couldn’t look me in the eye? What the actual fuck? “Mads, have you hurt your jaw or something? You’re talking all weird. What’s wrong? You can tell me anything.”
She stared at a plaque. The light caught the glassy sheen in her eyes. “Please, hear me out?”
How could I not? “Okay.” I nodded and leaned my butt against the counter.
She headed over to the window and stood with her back to me once again. I hated the distance between us, the impersonal barrier she’d created, but maybe she needed it to say what she had to say. “The biggest thing I have dealt with in therapy is us. I had this idea of marriage set in my head that we had to live every day together, and I couldn’t ever see that happening. I didn’t want you to move to Canada, leave your band, or change your life for me. But you were willing to do those things without question. It stressed me out because I didn’t feel worthy of such love. I was afraid you’d lose interest quickly and leave me like Noah did. That you’d run back to your ex or off with some other girl.”
My gaze stayed glued to her reflection in the window as she tugged on and played with a strand of her hair.
She softened her tone. “But you never changed course. You wanted to travel down this road and build a life with me. You were ready to do anything for me, whereas I never offered any solutions. I never compromised. That’s not how a life together works. I was selfish. And I don’t want to be like that anymore.”
“I honestly believed we’d work things out once I got home.”
“I know. But being apart and the gossip messed with us. We both got sick, but we’re getting better, right?”
“Yes.” I nodded, still confused. “But where are you going with this?”
“Slip, I’m still in this if you are.”
Fuck. Enough is enough. I took a small step toward her. “Maddy, I want to believe you, but it’s impossible to do that when you’re talking like this. You won’t even look at me. Why are you acting weird?”
“Slip? Please?” She clutched her hand against her chest and fidgeted with her diamond. “I want to stay married.”
“Do you honestly want that?” My heart dared to beat.
“More than anything.” She nodded. “And to show you how serious I am, how committed I am, I want to prove how much I love you.”
“Maddy.” Anguish poured from my soul. “All I’ve ever wanted is for you to love and trust me. I should’ve been more mindful of how much the gossip affected you when we were apart. Done more to gain your trust. For that, I am truly sorry.”
“I know.” She nodded and turned to face me. She closed her eyes and lowered her chin. “My issues with Harper stemmed from my ugly past. I hated being insecure. So I’m sorry too.” She headed toward me but walked around to stand behind me, barely leaving a gap between our bodies. I could feel her warmth, her tension, her want. It took all my strength not to move. She spoke over my shoulder. “But I’ve learned that I do trust you. More than I realized. We’ve told each other things that no one else knows. We kept our relationship a secret for months. I trusted you with my body. We’ve sent each other private pictures and dirty texts. You’ve never betrayed my trust. Nor I yours. And I never will.”
My knees buckled. My heart filled my chest. My mind had been blown. She trusts me. “Me either. I won’t ever break it.” I glanced at her over my shoulder and threw her a sly smile. “So out of curiosity, how do you plan on proving that you love me?”
“Two things.” She glided around to stand in front of me. She licked her lips, then swallowed hard. Nerves flitted in her eyes. “First, I did something for you. I got something for you.”
“What?”
“This.” She stuck out her tongue and a small silver ball pierced the center.
“Holy fuck.” My pulse skyrocketed as I shot forward and cupped her gorgeous face. My dick jolted to life. Rock hard. I was fucking rock hard. “You got a tongue ring?”
“Yeah.” She bobbed her head as the biggest smile took over her face.
I grinned like a sly dog when the light caught the shiny stud. That was why she’d been acting weird and talking funny. She’d been hiding it from me. My crazy bel girasole.
The tension evaporated from her body as tears glistened in her eyes again. “ You’ve always made me feel sexy and beautiful. But I wanted to do something that made me feel better about myself and to kill my insecurities. Something that makes me feel empowered and confident...and yours. I want to make you happy in every possible way.”
“You did before...but this? Wow!” My dick twitched, wanting a sample of her tongue licking it right then. But no...I couldn’t go there. No. Not yet. No. Just no. No! Shit! She made it fucking hard to not have her then and there. “Mads, if this helps you, I love it. But you didn’t have to get a tongue ring for me. I love you as you are. ”
“You want me to get rid of it?”
“Fuck no. ”
Giggling, she placed her hand flat against my chest. Her touch grounded me and made everything she’d said take a new hold on me. Her gorgeous brown eyes set on mine. “The second thing I’ve done...pending on you, is I’ve requested next season off my show. Based on my health issues and personal life, my producer has given me the green light to do so.”
I jerked my head back. My head spun so fast, I struggled to keep up. “You’re taking time off from filming?”
“Yes. To be with you. If you want me. Filming this season finishes just before Christmas. They can rewrite the last few episodes to ease me out of the storyline temporarily. I’ll have the next six months off—longer if needed.”
“Holy shit! Can you...they...do that?” My mind raced, slowly comprehending what she’d done.She wanted to give me her time. I’d only ever needed a slice, but now she wanted to give me every hour of every day. Fuck. This was too much. Too overwhelming. But...it was what we’d always wanted. More time together had seemed so farfetched; now it was within our grasp.
“Yes.” She entwined our fingers and kissed my wedding ring. “I want to give our marriage the chance it deserves. You’re more important to me than my show.”
Half-smirking, I grimaced. “I am?”
“Yeah, you are.” She blinked her damp eyes. “Sutton told me you and the guys are having a break.” She slid her hands up to my shoulders and closed the gap between us. “I would love to spend that time with you. I want us to find a place like we always talked about, away from all the chaos, and disappear for a while. We can focus on us and build our life together, so when we come back to reality, we have a strong foundation behind us. We’ll be able to handle whatever new crap life throws our way.” She pressed her warm palm against my cheek. “I love you, Slip. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you when you needed me. Or when you went to rehab. I had my own issues to work though. Every day apart hurt so much. But I’m here now. And I don’t ever want to leave you again. Not ever.”
“Do you mean that?” The backs of my eyes burned. “You’re mine? No more bullshit?”
“One thousand percent. Forever and always.”
“God, I love you.” I stroked her hair. “Can I please kiss you?”
“Yeah. I’d like that.”
I threaded my hand underneath her silky-soft hair, cradled the back of her head, and drew her lips to mine. As our mouths connected, I breathed in the cocoa-butter scent of her hair and tasted heaven on her lips. I’d missed this. Missed her. Finally, our future had a path ahead. We could be together. With slow, sensual flicks of her tongue against mine, a calm settled over me. The clink of her tongue ring against my teeth stirred my dick to life again. But I was in control . Yep...yes, I am...maybe. Standing, wrapped in her embrace, her warmth engulfed me. She was here. For me. Mine.
We’d suffered and stressed over too many things. But that was going to change. We had each other. Nothing was ever going to break us apart. I felt it in my soul. I’d done that since day one. Even through the hardest of times, we’d survived... just . She’d given me strength to fight my demons, a voice to stand up for what I needed, and a reason to live every day. She not only loved me, but trusted me too. I’d never ask for anything more than that.
She stepped back and took my hands in hers. “I know this has been a lot to take onboard and understand if you need time to process everything as part of your therapy and recovery steps. So when you’re ready, I’ll be here for you. I don’t want you to rush into anything. But I meant what I said. I want to stay married. With no timeframes. No deadlines. Just for as long as we both shall live. ”
“I don’t need time. It’s a fuck yes.”
She giggled and cute lines formed across the bridge of her nose. “You don’t want to think about that for a while?”
“Nope.”
“You sure?”
I snaked my hand around her waist. “Mads, I have never been so certain about anything. I’m sorry for hurting you and disappointing my friends. I will spend the rest of my days making it up to you.”
She ran her hands up my arms and placed them on my shoulders. “Let’s start with taking it one day at a time.”
“I want a lifetime of one days with you.”
“Me too.” She grazed her teeth over her bottom lip and gave me a sheepish look. “I have one small last request.”
“Anything.”
“Would you be open to getting married again?” She combed her fingers through my hair. “I loved marrying you in Vegas. It was one of the best, wildest nights of my life. But I’d like to have a celebration, like we talked about in Italy. I’ve learned how important and integral our friendship circle is. They’re a huge part of our lives and have played a massive role in our relationship, starting it, saving it, and standing by us. I want to thank them for that. I don’t want anything big or fancy—just something cozy and intimate in front of a few family members and friends. To let everyone know how much we love each other and them.”
I touched my lips to hers, then rested my forehead against her brow. “I’ve never regretted marrying you in Vegas either, but I’d remarry you every day for the rest of my life if you wanted to do that. I fucking love you. So much it hurts.”
She cupped my face and whispered, “No more hurting. Let’s just be happy.”
“Now that sounds like a plan.”