Chapter 37 Sandro
My arms are immediately full of my sweet Boy, and the ice around my heart shatters so fucking fast. For a moment, I close my eyes and take a deep breath, drawing in the scent of my love.
I don’t give a fuck that he hasn’t had a shower in a while, all I care about is that he’s here—here in my arms at last.
Opening my eyes, I catch Hollis’s gaze and tilt my head toward him, offering him the most silent respect I can give him.
The storm churning there…hell, I’m familiar with it.
I’ve been where he’s at. Where I put my trust in another person, knowing that my love had fallen for him.
At least, Hollis is smart enough to truly accept it and not fuck up like I did.
It doesn’t matter how many promises I give Hollis, they’re all useless until he sees my actions match up to my words. I hurt Lio, and it’s going to be a long time—if ever—before Hollis will trust me. I get it. I don’t like it, but I understand it.
What Hollis doesn’t understand is that I know exactly how worthless my life is without Lio in it.
I’ve lived it, day in and day out. They may think it was Luca who broke me…
but it wasn’t. Not truly. It was the loss of this, the loss of the man who makes me feel, that broke me.
And I will never, ever put myself in that position again.
Call me a selfish bastard, but I can’t go through that.
I can’t lose Lio again, especially due to my own failures.
That doesn’t mean I think this is going to be easy. Hell, it’s the hardest thing I can think of, but whatever needs to be done, I’ll do it. Because, at the end of the day, he’s what matters. His love is what redeems me, and it’s the only salvation I’ll ever have.
Hollis stands, and with a pained expression, heads toward the door.
He pauses as he passes me, but he merely shakes his head while giving me a warning look.
There are no words I can give him in reassurance, so I stay silent.
He touches Lio’s back gently before disappearing through the door.
For a moment, I have to fight the panic in my brain, the fear that I’ll fuck this up.
Not having someone here to watch…I don’t trust myself yet. Not with Lio…hell, maybe I never will.
Eventually, Emilio steps out of my arms, and the ache of the loss is overpowering, even though he’s not far from me. I touch his pale cheek in concern. He’s too gaunt, and the bags under his eyes… I know the sedatives have forced him to sleep, but I'm sure it hasn’t been as restful as it could be.
“Caro, how are you?” I ask gently, guiding him back to the hospital bed.
With a huff, he sits on it, dragging me with him.
He leans against me, but stays quiet. I yank gently on his hair, reminding him I’m waiting for his words.
It doesn’t matter what his body is screaming at me, the exhaustion and guilt, I need to hear it from him.
If we’re going to reestablish our relationship, it needs to be on better terms.
“I’m…lost,” he whispers as he stares at the thick padding around his wrists. I’m glad he’s moving his fingers, because I know they were worried he’d fucked up his tendons completely.
I slowly take one of his hands in mine, letting him feel my warmth when he shivers. “You’re not lost, Caro. We are here for you, and we’ll never let you disappear. But you need to trust us.”
“Of course, I trust you. You’re my Master.” Emilio peeks up at me through his too-long hair. It may be in need of a wash, but it doesn’t detract from his beauty. Nothing could.
With a quiet sigh, I know we have to face the truth before we can move on. And it won’t be easy, for either of us.
“You realize I’m no longer Il Padrone, right?” I ask gently, not wanting to push him, but I need to make it clear we’re in this together…as equals.
Emilio sets his jaw, shaking his head in disagreement. “It doesn’t matter. You’re my Master. You’ll always be my Master…and more.”
I know what he’s asking, but I refuse to let myself go there.
Not right now. I take a deep breath, trying to protect us both.
I don't want to break us before we have a chance to find our places with each other again. I lift his hand to my lips and brush a kiss against it, branding him the only way I can right now. With a sigh, I push the conversation forward, even though it’s hard.
“I will always be whatever you need. But, I need you to understand that what we have—that’s between us.
And I have a lot to prove first. What I did…
hell, I don’t understand why you’d even give me a second chance.
I don’t deserve it. But I promise, I will always put you first from now on.
That I’ll never harm you. You are my everything, and I need you to understand that.
You may call me Master, but I want you to know that you are in charge.
If you say something stops, it stops. Do you understand? ”
His nose wrinkles, and he stares up at me sadly. “I trust you though.”
My heart aches with those words. Trust. I know I haven’t earned it yet. Even if he thinks he trusts me…it’s too soon.
“I need you to hear me, Caro,” I say desperately. “Please. Even if you trust me, I…I don’t trust myself yet. I need to earn your forgiveness first.”
“But I already forgave you,” he whispers, and my heart breaks.
They're words I want to cherish, and hold onto, but I’m so fucking afraid he’s pushing this too quickly. I can’t even forgive myself, so how can he forgive me?
Lio’s voice does waver even slightly as he continues. “Because I know you. Who you are in your heart. And yeah, you fucked up, but there were extenuating circumstances. What’s important is that you’re here now. I know you won’t make the same mistake again.”
I’m shocked I must have said the words aloud, but more than that, I’m humbled by his response. A mistake? No, what I did was evil. But my Lio has always been the strongest of us. And I need him to see that now. Especially, when he’s fighting demons of his own.
“I…I have no words.” My throat is tight, emotion clogging it. The feelings are so unfamiliar to me, and yet, at the same time, it’s reminiscent of the past. Only this time…this time I know what it is. Love.
“You don’t need to say anything. I just need you.”
"I don't deserve you, but I'll always love you. And I'll spend the rest of my life making sure you have everything you need."
"You will always be my Master."
The possession thrills me, even as it's tempered by my need, and hell, my desire to share him.
"You'll always have your Owner and Daddy as well," I promise, even though my heart stutters over someone else being his Daddy. But it's no longer a title I deserve.
"But you're my Papa Bear, too," he pouts, his forehead creasing in pain, but I can’t give in. I can’t take what’s not mine to claim.
"That's a conversation you should have with your Daddy first," I respond sternly.
My soul wants to latch onto it, but I refuse.
The only way this will work is if we're all on the same page, all giving each other respect.
And fuck if I'll ever make my love, my very reason for existing, give up pieces of his soul to soothe my foolish pride.
I instinctively jerk from the crushing pain it gives me, knowing I almost lost him because of it, and I promise never to put it at risk again.
With a sigh, he settles closer to me and I let go of his hand, only to wrap him in a hug. I want to completely envelop him, to let him know he’s safe, because the thoughts…hell, I know the thoughts he’s been chased by in the past. I can’t imagine they’re much better now.
“I…I don’t know if I can keep living,” Emilio says softly, cringing into me. “I…I did something evil.”
Growling, I hug Emilio tighter to me, my heart breaking for my sweet Boy. I loosen my grip, but only so I can turn toward him, lifting his chin so he’s forced to look at me. I want to make sure he reads the sincerity in my eyes, so there won’t be any confusion later on.
“You did not do something evil. I’ve done evil. You have not. That blame lies with the bitch and her father. I know you. You wouldn’t have done any of that if either you, or even more likely, Roman, wasn’t threatened.
“You did what had to be done. Those sins don’t stain your soul. They’re not yours to carry. If I could take those memories from you, I would. The fact you feel it so deeply proves that it’s not yours. A truly evil person wouldn’t care about the pain they've caused.
“I nicknamed you Death, but you are so much more than that. You are Life as well. Both sides of the same coin. You bring Life to those who need it, and only mete out Death to those who deserve it. Remember who you are. You are mine. And I love you, every inch of who you are, and when those memories swamp you, lean on me, because I’ll carry them for you. ”
Emilio sniffles, his moss green eyes filling rapidly, even as he tries to blink the tears away. “How will Roman ever forgive me? He’s…he’s so important to me. And I tortured him.”
“I’m sure he’ll tell you there’s nothing to forgive.
But even if there was…you need to remember your friendship is strong.
I know most of you Boys can’t understand why I remained friends with Luca after what he did.
It’s because our friendship was forged in the fire of destruction, and we relied on each other to make it out.
“This? This may feel overwhelming, but your friendship with Roman is forged on more than what most have. You need to let him back in. I know he’s struggling right now.
He won’t see anyone other than Carter, and he’s not eating.
He’s waiting for you, Caro. You can’t fix him, but the bonds of your friendship, of your love, it far surpasses what normal people have. ”
Emilio’s breath catches, pain flitting across his face. I hold my breath, worried that I pushed too hard, or gave information he wasn’t ready for yet. But my Caro is stronger than that, and I never should have doubted it. His shoulders square up and he nods in seriousness.
“I won’t let him down.”
“I know you won’t,” I reassure him. “But you also need to take care of yourself. Show Roman what getting healthy looks like. Model that behavior. He needs that. Hell, even I do.”
“You’ll get therapy as well?” Emilio asks quietly, chewing his bottom lip. I touch his cheek, caressing it as memories of my sweet Boy infiltrate my mind.
“Yes, Caro. It’s time for me to get better. For us all to get better. It won’t be an easy road for any of us. But…I want to be worth saving. Sarah’s right, it’s time.”
He doesn’t say anything, but snuggles into me instead. I hope I’ve gotten through to him. Because really, at the end of the day, all I want is his happiness. Whether it’s with me, or Hollis, or Tennant. Whatever he needs, I’ll do my best to give it to him. Because I finally figured it out…
I know the truth now. There is no me without him, no light without his smile, and fuck if I’ll ever lose him again…whether to outside forces or my own stupidity. He’s everything I could ever want, now I just need to deserve him.