Chapter 38 Roman
Carter brushes my wet hair and hums. “You need a haircut, Figlio.”
I don’t say anything. Hell, I don’t even look in the mirror as he tends to me, too ashamed to face my failures.
“There, I’m sure you feel a bit more human, hmm?”
I shrug, following his motions as he helps me up and leads me back into the medical room that’s become my sanctuary over the last week.
“The kitchen is going to send food in soon. I asked for waffles today. I know you prefer pancakes, but this has been Cole’s go-to meal lately.
He’ll eat pretty much anything—especially if it has chocolate—but he has a few favorites he’ll latch onto.
” He sighs a little, and another chip lands in my heart, knowing I’m hurting him, but unsure how to fix it.
“He’s looking forward to seeing you and his Uncle Lio soon. He’s missed you both.”
A lump forms in my throat. “I miss him too,” I whisper.
Carter sits in the chair that’s become his at my bedside. “There’s something I need to discuss with you, but it can wait until you’re ready.”
I let out a hoarse laugh. “I have nothing but time now. What else am I going to do? I…I can’t be trusted to run the Family. I’m sorry. That puts you in a terrible position, especially with Lio out, but… I can’t be trusted to make good decisions. I’m not fit to be Boss. Cristian was right…”
“No.” Carter’s voice is sharp. He reaches out and grips my chin, forcing me to look at him.
“He was not right. Your father…” He takes a deep breath.
“I love him, and I know he loves you, but sometimes his need to protect us makes him short-sighted. He was not right, though. You are ready, more than. You’ve proven yourself since the very beginning, and I will not accept you putting yourself down because you’re having a hard time right now. Okay?”
I let out a stuttering breath, my throat closing with the stupid feelings I can’t push down. “Then why do I feel like this?”
“Like what, Figlio Mio?”
“Like I’m free-falling and there’s no one around to catch me.” I see the devastation in his eyes, and it makes my own burn. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be such a disappointment.”
“You’re not,” he says firmly. “I don’t want to hear you say that again, understand? You are smart, brave, fierce, and I hate that the stupid bitch took that confidence from you. You and Emilio are so much more than what she put you through.”
I sniff. “How…how is Lio doing?”
I don’t care what Cecily did to me, only what she put Lio through. My friend is far softer than he shows others, and I know hurting me will have hurt him. His suffering feels like my own.
“He’s… I don’t want to say better, because he has a long way to go before he’s the Lio we know and love, but he’s lucid now. Hollis was in with him this morning, and…now he’s with Allesandro.”
I still, watching Carter’s face carefully. I know my friend loves that asshole, and while I’m not Benjamin, and I won’t make things harder on him, I’ll never like him just because Lio has feelings for him. I know the difference between support and being a dick, though, so I won’t say that.
“But he’s okay?” I hold my breath.
“Yeah, I think he’ll be okay. He needs to see a therapist, and Doc has a psychiatrist coming in to work with him.
It’s not going to be an easy road, for either of you, but he’s alive, and he’s finding his footing.
I know you miss him, and are waiting to see him, but Lio needs you, too, Roman.
You can’t fix him, but you can be there for him…
so long as you’re taking care of yourself. ”
I shudder as I stare at my dad. All I can think is: Lio’s okay. He’s alive. He hasn’t abandoned me like Cristian did.
“When can I see him?”
“That’s Doc’s decision, and probably Hollis’s.
It won't be until they think you’re both up to it.
That means eating, sleeping, and being willing to see more than just me.
You have people waiting for you, Roman. I know Hollis and Tennant are…
struggling with not being able to see you.
Jude is a bit more patient, but I’m starting to see his frustration, and you know how bad it must be for him to show that.
Ignacio…I’m pretty sure Jayden is a hairsbreadth away from following through on his threat of tying him to his bed. ”
I laugh a little, knowing he’s not kidding. Swallowing, I look him in the eye. “I don’t know if I’m ready. Hearing Lio is doing better helps, but…I’m not.”
“You love so hard, Figlio. You need people around who love you, and can show you how much they care. I know you’re waiting on Lio, but don’t push everyone else away.”
I take another stuttering breath, my heart and soul torn between my friend and my family. I need them both in my life, and with them so split right now, I don’t know how to walk in the chasm that formed in the middle of them.
Sucking in a breath, I decide I need to try. If Lio has the strength to go on, then so do I. I can’t let him down. He’ll need support, and I refuse to make it harder on him. I can’t—won’t—fail him.
“What were you needing to discuss? Sorry I made it all about myself.”
“Hey, no. You’re hurting, and I understand that. I can wait.”
I shake my head. “No…I need to think about something aside from myself for once. So?”
Carter sighs. “Your father and I are done for good, as you know.”
I nod carefully, my heart in my throat.
“I…I had a lot of thinking to do when I was shot. I left Cristian because he hurt me, and then I realized how small the box he put me in really was. I couldn’t limit myself anymore.
I need you to know this first, need you to understand that my choices are coming from a place where logic resides.
My heart played a big part as well, but it’s not the reason for the decisions I’ve made. ”
He sighs. “You asked me before if Marcus, Keegan, and I were anything but family, and I said no… That was true at the time. Now, though…they’ve asked me to be theirs, and I want that more than anything, Roman.
I don’t know when my feelings went from that of friends to lovers, but I know I’m in love with them, and I can see a future with them.
With…the five of us as a family, if you’ll have them, too. ”
I stare at Carter, stunned for a moment, even as warmth spreads through me.
It’s jarring, after being numb for so long.
But… “I love you, Dad. And if you love them, if they’re good to you…
then I want you to be happy. I just worry.
You deserve the world after what Cristian put you through.
I won’t sit back while you’re treated unfairly. ”
He shakes his head, smiling a little. “I know you won’t.
But I can promise you, they treat me…” He trails off and bites his lip for a moment.
“They treat me like I’m the sun in their sky.
I love them so much I can’t breathe sometimes.
I don’t know where our relationship is going to go, but I want to explore it. I want to be a family.”
“I’ll always support you,” I tell him gently. “Don’t worry about me. If you love them…I’ll give them a chance.”
Relief crosses his features as he slumps in his chair. “Thank you. You know I’m not replacing you with Cole, right? I love him. He’s my son, but so are you.”
I smile. “I know. I love him too. He deserves a dad as great as you. And I’m excited to have a little brother.”
“You’ll be a great brother. Maybe when you’re up to it, you can come hang out with us? Cole…he’d really love to play with his big brother.”
Biting my lip, I fight the urge to shake my head. As good as it sounds…I can’t live in this room, but I’m terrified of leaving it at the same time, and I don’t want Cole here. He doesn’t need to see me this weak.
The want is there. The need to get to know Marcus and Keegan better, to be there for Cole as much as I can with the age gap between us. A part of me that I thought was broken slides back into place a little at the promise of having a family, a real family.
For Carter, for Cole, for Lio, I can and will get better, stronger.
There’s a knock on the door. “Looks like the food’s here.” Carter looks over my shoulder and frowns before looking back to me with a small smile. “Or maybe someone’s got another present.”
Turning slightly on the bed, I find Kail walking into the room with a bunch of balloons. There must be a dozen there in rainbow colors, surrounding a foiled one that’s shaped like a rainbow with clouds at both ends.
“Ignacio wanted you to have these,” Kail says, setting them on the other side of my bed.
“Thanks, Kail,” Carter tells him.
The nurse nods and moves back to the door. I look from the balloons to Carter, biting my bottom lip.
“Wait,” I call out.
Kail turns back around quickly, almost falling over in his haste. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah…I’m fine. I mean, not really, but I will be. Uhh…can you…can you ask Ignacio to come in here, please? If he’s still out there.”
Kail smiles brightly. “Yeah, no problem. Much better than him loitering in the hall.” Kail spins back around and out the door. I have to look at Carter because I can’t watch my love enter the room…or not.
Am I too late?
The thought has my breath catching in my throat. Despite the gift I just got, it doesn’t mean he didn’t just send it to me as a friend. What if…what if he’s decided I’m too much to handle?
I begin to tremble and Carter grabs both my hands. “Breathe, Figlio. You’re okay. Just breathe.”
Distantly, I can hear the door to my room close, and slow, measured footsteps sound behind me. My heart starts pounding so loudly in my ears that it drowns out any other noise.
My vision is blurry as tears streak down my face, and my head swims as I lose my breath.
But when a second set of hands grip my arms, something in me snaps.
I gasp and blink rapidly. Looking up, I stare into warm brown eyes, and more tears fall down my cheeks as I let out a sob.
“Shh. It’s okay, Little One. I’m here.”