Chapter 24
Cam
How did I not see it?
Bo’s right. I am stupid!
I’d gone my entire life without craving him, and now I can’t stop. Up until a few months ago I never even saw him that way—at least, I don’t think I did. The worst part is the sadness in his eyes.
My brain hurts.
Bowen’s confession hits me right in the stomach. I can’t believe I didn’t see it. How could I not have known that’s how he feels about me?
Cold realization hits, slices, and stings.
How many times have I brought girls around him? How many relationships have I flaunted, and how many dates has he helped me get ready for? All while he was in love with me.
I’m going to be sick.
I fold in on myself, burying my head between my knees. I can’t believe I did that and he just let me. He let me hurt him. He was there for me every single time. What the hell is wrong with me?
I’m so stupid. So stupid!
These last few months have been amazing, and he . . . fuck he felt that way the whole time. I gave him a piece of what he’s always wanted, while I was running in circles trying to figure myself out. And he let me.
Because he fucking loves me.
Really loves me.
Bo is the definition of if you love them let them go. What have I done?
Instead of chasing after him, what did I do? I came out here in the dead of winter to freeze my ass off on the enclosed porch out the back. It’s not too bad out here, the room is insulated enough.
My brain is working overtime trying to make sense of this. I’m replaying every single thing that’s happened between us. The truth is, I’m always happiest when I’m with Bo. I always run back to him, back to his bed, and to his arms.
Maybe . . . maybe I just didn’t get it. Maybe I didn’t think deeper about it because it’s just us. It’s how we are. Fuck, I can’t . . . I can’t handle this. I can’t believe how much I must have hurt him.
Then I think about the things we’ve done—the piano, the shower last night, the way he kissed and tasted me.
I’ve never had it that good before. Bo knows me, knows my body in a way I’ve never felt before in my life.
Bo and I just fit in every way, so why was it so hard for me to accept that we’d fit in this way too?
Maybe I just don’t want him to leave me when he finds out what’s it’s really like to be with me. That’s the truth. It’s not that he’s a guy, and the thing is . . . I don’t even see gender when I see him. He’s just Bo. He’s my Bo.
My head picks up as the door creaks open, but my shoulders sink when I see it’s not Bo. Instead, Jamie and Hunter walk out here. “Hey, um, just checking on you.” Hunter walks out into the enclosed space.
Jamie doesn’t wait for me to answer, he just takes the chair at the end and sits down, putting his feet up on the table. Hunter rolls his eyes, opening a window a tiny bit. “Not going to let you hotbox us in here.”
Jamie reaches into his pocket and grabs his bowl. In the light, I laugh. “Penis tattoo, penis-shaped pipe.”
“Noah got it for me. Says it’s the only other thing I’m allowed to be sucking on.” He packs it full. I hear the spark of a lighter and look over at him as he tilts his head back and blows out smoke. “So, how are you holding up after all that?”
“Oh, great. Never better.”
“Enough said.” Jamie eyes me, and it’s a bit unnerving. Honestly, I’m a bit intimidated. He’s a big guy, with tattoos and piercings, and a hard stare that seems to only turn soft when Noah’s in his line of vision.
“You guys can go. I just wanted some alone time,” I say.
Jamie ignores me, leaning over and handing the bowl to Hunter who takes it. Okay then.
“Seriously, you guys don’t have to do this. Our boyfriends are friends, no big deal.” Jamie smirks, stupid slip. “I meant our friends, my friend, your . . . I’m shutting up now.”
“Real smooth, Cam.” Jamie snorts, patting my knee. Some of the tension I’ve been holding onto eases some. Jamie starts to laugh.
“What’s so funny?” Hunter asks before taking a drag and handing it back to him.
“Life. It’s funny. Last year I wouldn’t have given a fuck about any of this. Giving a fuck feels weird. Sometimes it sucks, feels real sticky. Like my skin doesn’t fit right.”
“Well, it was therapy and be nice, or be single.” Hunter laughs. “Can’t tell you which I prefer.” Hunter cracks open a drink, offering one to me.
“Thanks.” I take it, drinking a bit to calm my nerves.
“Have you ever been rimmed?” Um, is he talking to me? Jamie looks right at me.
“I—I don’t—I mean I—”
“Life-changing.” He smiles.
“I don’t understand.”
“What Jamie doesn’t realize is that his boyfriend has been training him like a dog.” Hunter laughs. “He does something nice and gets a little treat like a good boy.”
“He’s not training me like a dog!” A blush strikes his cheeks.
He blows the smoke out away from me. Not that it’s doing anything in this mostly enclosed porch.
“My back has been killing me all day. Tried some of those exercises this morning. I don’t know, I may have to accept the fact that I’ll never have cum gutters. ”
“I liked it better when you were miserable and celibate.” Hunter glowers.
“Says the man with cum gutters.” Jamie’s lolls his head toward me. “Do you know his boyfriend sounds like a dying hawk when they’re fucking?” Hunter throws a pillow at him.
“I hate it here. I thought when you and Noah got together we wouldn’t have to put up with this shit. But it’s only doubled. Your forces only grew stronger. Cam, I would run if I were you.”
Jamie grins, sinking into the chair and taking another hit. “I love my life. So weird to say that out loud. I have friends, the love of my life, we’re at the lake house in winter. It’s fucking beautiful out here.” He leans forward with a grimace, handing me the bowl.
“No thanks.” Hunter takes it from him instead. No pressure. “So, you two are really happy, then?” I ask, a bit curious. He and Noah seem completely opposite.
He nods, grinning, as he relaxes back fully into the chair. “I’m so fucking happy.”
Hunter shakes his head. “He’s been stoned out of his mind since we got back. Normally he’s not this chatty.” He hands Jamie his bowl back and he places it on the coffee table. The sweet smell is growing thicker, and my eyes sting a bit.
“How long have you and Mark been together?”
“About four years. We met in college.”
“That’s awesome.”
“His boyfriend tricked him into dating him. It’s less romantic than it sounds.”
“Fuck you. He wasn’t . . . There’s more to it than that.” He glares at his friend. “Mark loves me very much, and he was never forced to love me,” he says to me.
“Maybe he is training me,” Jamie muses. “He does give me treats if I behave.” He thinks. “I haven’t said one mean thing to Mark all day, and Noah sat on my face when we got back from getting the tree. I didn’t fight with Xavi during Sunday dinner last week, and when we got back he blew me.”
“You are so far gone, man.” Hunter grabs the bowl off the table, taking another hit. “You’re cut off. Sober Jamie will thank me.” I sip my beer, amused at these two. I like hanging out with them.
“His tongue is like a magic wand,” Jamie sighs. “So . . .” Jamie leans forward, steepling his fingers. “What happened back there? What’s going on? Talk to us.”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“You know it sucks not having anyone to talk to, and if I’m wrong, correct me, but it seems like the person you need to talk about is the only person you even talk to.” I hate that he’s right.
“I don’t have anyone to talk to about this.”
“Hunter,” Jamie says. “Are we fucking invisible?”
“No, I think we’re real.”
Jamie puts his hand out, checking whether he can see it. There’s no way I’m unloading on a stranger, even if I’m just starting to get to know them. The last thing I want to do is scare them away. You’re too much.
“I’m not going to unload on you guys like that.”
“Because you don’t want to, or because you feel like your own feelings, thoughts, and fears are a burden to everyone around you?
You’re so used to Bo, though, that you use him as your outlet.
And you’re so used to him being there that you don’t think twice about it, because not a single fucking person besides him has ever given a fuck about you or treated you like were worth something.
That’s why you’re terrified of losing him, because without him, who the fuck even are you? ”
“What the fuck?!”
“He’s very insightful when he’s high.” Hunter shakes his head. “And gross.”
“How do you even know that?”
“I had a Bowen once. Her name was Luci, and meeting her was the best thing that ever happened to me. She was the best friend I could ever have asked for. She was my first actual friend, the first person who really saw me. I didn’t think I could live without her.”
“What happened?”
Jamie scrubs a hand down his face, the humor draining from his complexion in real time. “I was forced to live without her.”
“She’s Xavi’s sister. She died in a car accident,” Hunter says softly.
“The one you were in?” I ask Jamie. He nods, and my stomach sinks.
When I think about losing Bo, it’s always from something I did. But losing him that way has never even crossed my mind.
“I was so alone, and I just lost three people I cared about—my best friend, my sister, and yes, Hunter, even my girlfriend.” He glares at him.
“I wasn’t going to say anything. That’s your business.”
“What . . . what are you talking about?”
Jamie’s quiet for a moment. “I was dating someone. I was planning on breaking it off. I didn’t even want her in that fucking car.
” Jamie’s eyes turn to glass. “I didn’t want her there, but she insisted, and now she’s gone.
” He looks at Hunter. “I don’t even blame Ari for lashing out at me. I almost wish I could talk to her.”
“Don’t open that door,” Hunter warns.