Chapter 24 #2
“I know, but . . . I don’t know. I didn’t handle shit well, and I know she lost her sister. Her parents are fucking assholes, and I can’t imagine what she’s gone through since. It’s like you said yourself. She lost someone too, and she doesn’t have what we do.”
“And what do we have?” I ask.
“We have a family. You’re all my family. And Cam, whether you like it or not, you’re part of our family. You and Bo.”
“Just let it be for now, okay? You’re high.”
Jamie slumps back into his chair. “One of these days I will talk to her.”
“She told you she wishes you were dead.”
Jamie levels a look at Hunter. “Yeah, well, it’s not right. I’m not saying it is, but I get it. Maybe someday, or year, I don’t know. I hate this feeling.”
“Guilt?” I ask.
“Grief,” he says softly. “She never should have been in that car.”
“Can I ask how it happened?”
“Some guy was drunk and barreled through a red light hitting us at near like, ninety I think the cops said. The guy was a fucking doctor. Like, what the fuck is wrong with you? You swore an oath to help people, and you killed three fucking kids.” Hunter slowly hands the bowl back to Jamie.
“Thanks,” he says, taking a drag. “It’s a hell I wouldn’t wish on anyone. ”
“How did you get through it?”
“He didn’t.” Hunter shakes his head. “For a while he was a real dick to us all.” Jamie grimaces, reaching out his hand and squeezing Hunter’s. “Slowly he’s come back to us.” Hunter smiles at him. “Noah’s making sure of it.”
Jamie giggles. “Got my ass real good.”
“How are you both super insightful and so fuckin’ ridiculous at the same time?”
“Multitalented.” He grins. “Just ask Noah.”
“And you’ve had enough.”
“In all seriousness . . .” Jamie sighs. “I’d go through all the abuse, all the homes again, just to make it here to him.”
“Homes?”
“I was in foster care until I was sixteen. When I was eight I was taken from my home. My mom was abusive, and took it a bit too far.”
Looking down at my hands, I see Hunter slide the bowl to me from the corner of my eye. Fuck it. I take a drag, coughing violently.
“Oh, sorry.” Hunter chuckles, patting my back.
“I’m fine,” I wheeze. My lungs feel weird. “Bowen’s family took me in after my father was arrested for abuse.” If it weren’t for Bo’s parents I may have ended up like Jamie.
“Parents, man.” Jamie shakes his head. “Hunter’s father kicked him out when he was sixteen, after his mother died.”
“What! Why?”
Hunter’s brows rise. “Why do you think?” What a prick.
“He was just waiting for her to not be around so he didn’t have to tolerate it anymore.”
“See. You’re not alone. We want to talk to you.”
“I don’t really know you guys.”
“That’s usually how this works, huh? You meet someone, and you either click or you don’t. We’re trying to click with you and you’re being difficult.”
“I just don’t want to bother you.”
“You’re not bothering us.” Hunter jabs his finger at Jamie. “He’s bothering us.”
“I think what Hunter is trying to say is that we want to talk to you. Right?” Hunter closes his eyes, taking a minute, then nods.
“We wouldn’t be wasting our time if we didn’t want to talk to you.
Trust me. I get it. I felt so fucking worthless because I thought Noah would eventually find someone better.
I was just waiting for him to leave me.”
“How did you get past that?”
“I gave in and just let him love me. It was scary as hell because I didn’t know what would happen.
It’s really hard to think about anyone else loving me like he does, though.
Especially someone amazing as he is. I grew up with so much hatred, but giving in to him was the smartest decision I ever made. ”
It’s quiet as I look up, and I realize they’re waiting for me to talk.
Fuck it.
If I’m going to talk to anyone, why can’t it be them? I have to trust them when they say they want to hear me, that they want to know me. That it won’t be too much. At least they might understand me a little bit.
“I don’t know what’s happening to me. We’ve been friends for so long. I just don’t know what changed that first night.”
“What happened?”
“We were just messing around, and he touched my stomach, and . . . and I just kissed him. We made out, and it changed my brain chemistry. Literally. Ever since then I haven’t been able to shut off this feeling.
I don’t know what’s going on. We’ve messed around a few times, and it’s unlike anything I’ve ever felt. I can’t make my brain go back.”
“You want to make it go back?” Hunter asks.
I chew the inside of my cheek as I debate this.
I feel like I’m losing my grip on whatever’s happening with us.
It’s a free fall without a harness, and it scares the shit out of me.
“He’s the only person I can count on, the one person who’s always been there for me.
What we have is irreplaceable. I’m not even into guys—” Jamie snorts.
“No I don't think I am, I tried. I'm not sure what's going on with me. I let a guy blow me. I couldn’t even . . . finish. I had to think about Bo.” I’ve twisted myself into knots trying to make sense of it.
My face heats with the confession. “It’s not the same as it is with him.
Everything's better when it's with him.”
“Can I ask if you tried with Amira? Could you get into it?” Jamie asks.
I think for a moment. “I . . . I mean, yeah. We kissed, and it was nice, but I—”
“But what?”
“I didn’t feel anything.” There was no fire. No need. The entire time I just thought about Bo. He’s all I’ve thought about since we kissed, since he unlocked this feeling inside me.
“I don’t think the label is the issue Cam.” Hunter says. “It’s because you’re in love with him. That’s why no one else is doing much for you. You’re in love, Cam.”
Hunter’s words wrap around my lungs.
Drawing my hoodie over my head, I pull at the strings and shut out the world. It’s true. I’m in love, and maybe I’m confused because I’ve never felt like this before. With anyone. “I’m fucked.”
“You can’t keep doing this. You can’t keep dating around. It’s not fair to them, to Bo, and to you,” Hunter says.
“You can’t keep hooking up with him and giving him false hope either. That’s shitty,” Jamie agrees.
“I thought you weren’t going to judge me?” I stretch the hoodie back out so I can see them, and Jamie’s eyes soften on me.
“I’m not judging you. I’ve been you. It doesn’t end well, believe me. Just because we’re dealt a shitty hand doesn’t mean we don’t deserve good things. In fact, I’d argue we deserve them more than anyone. Peace is hard to come by. Don’t push away someone who brings it to you.”
Tightening the strings back around my face, my eyes burn so bad.
I swallow thickly but it’s no use. The tears are coming and I’m trying so hard to stop them.
“You guys are shitty friends.” My breath hitches.
I feel so embarrassed as I give in to frustration.
I jolt, feeling arms around me, as Jamie sits on one side of me and throws his arm around me.
I lean into it, because fuck it, it’s been a weird-ass evening and I’m feeling a little buzzed.
Why not make it more weird. I cry, and I can’t fucking stop.
Jamie laughs softly. “Sorry we’re shitty friends.” I slump against him with his arm around me.
Taking a few calming breaths, I stretch the hoodie back out, pulling it off my head. “I don’t know what to do.”
“Forget all your bullshit excuses. For one night, forget them. Focus on the one thing that actually matters.”
“What’s that?”
“If there were no consequences and you could do whatever you want, what would that be?” I lean back, looking through the windows into the woods beyond the house.
What do I want? Hunter gets up, sitting close on the other side of me and squeezing my knee.
If fear wasn’t a factor, what would I want?
Jamie’s question is easy, but it unnerves me how quickly my brain answers it.
“I want him so fucking bad.”
There.
The truth is out.
Shoving my hands inside my hoodie pockets, I look down. “People always leave me, though. Lie to me. Hurt me.”
“Not Bowen. Cam, he knows you, every ugly piece, and he still loves you so much.” My knee starts to bounce.
“I’m too much.” I swallow.
“You’re not too much. In fact, you’re not giving him enough.”
It’s like a light turns on inside my brain. “Holy shit.” I scrub my face. “He fucking loves me.”
“And there he is.” Jamie laughs, squeezing the back of my neck.
“I’m so stupid.”
“You’re not stupid,” Hunter corrects. “Just really fucked up.”
“Been there.” Jamie nods. “Still there some days.
I sit back on the bench, feeling so amped up. I just need to talk to him. “How did you know you wanted to try with Noah?”
“When he left me, I realized that being without him was scarier than being with him. It’s not perfect. We’re not perfect. Some days are really hard, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
They’re right. This is love. I love him. I can’t let it scare me. I have to trust this love won’t hurt me. I have to trust him. Maybe that’s where my hangup is. I have to trust that no matter what, Bo won’t hurt me. He’s never given me a reason not to.
The door slides open as Mark steps through, looking at the three of us huddled together. "What is this and why wasn't I invited?"
Hunter’s hand is on my thigh, Jamie’s arm around my shoulders, and I’m tucked into his side.
"There's your screecher." Jamie smiles. Hunter punches his shoulder, and I get up quickly as they play punch each other.
Watching them for a moment my mind is made up.
I need to talk to Bo. There's something I have to ask first.
“Does it bother you guys that they joke?” I ask Hunter and Jamie.
“What?” Hunter looks confused.
“That they talk and joke about their past together.”
Jamie laughs. “Past together sounds way worse than it is. A dark chapter in Noah's life when his standards were in the earth's core maybe.”
"Shut up." Mark shakes his head. “We wouldn’t do it if it bothered them. They’re big boys. They know we’re just joking around.” Mark kisses Hunter. “Noah and I had a very complicated history that we both poke fun at now.”
“He’s kind of mean to you, doesn’t that bother you?”
“Oh no. It’s our love language. If he was nice to me, I’d be concerned.”
“Don’t let them fool you, Cam, they love each other.” Jamie shakes his head.
"He's my best friend." Mark blinks. "Unfortunately."
“Seriously, Jamie and I are fine. We’re adults. They had sex, it’s not a big deal. We all have histories. They just like to constantly talk shit about theirs.”
I think about this new friend group I’ve found myself in. I have to say, I like it a lot. I stand up, ready to talk to Bowen. “I’m going to go talk to him.” I’m done putting space between us. I’m done hurting him.
“Who?” Mark asks.
“Bo.”
“Uh, yeah, you’re going to have to wait until tomorrow. Bo, Bri, and Noah are passed out in your bed,” he says to Jamie.
Jamie stands up. “It’s your lucky day, Cam. I need a sleeping buddy.”
With a laugh, I stand. I’ll have tonight to relax.
Then tomorrow I’m telling Bo everything.