Chapter 26 #2
“Hey, hey, look at me.” I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. “Hey!” His sharp voice snags my attention. “Look at me.” I feel lightheaded, like I’m about to pass out. My breathing is rapid and each rumble in the dark pulls me deeper and deeper under. I clutch onto the chair. I see them, but my vision clouds.
I can’t do this.
Out, I need . . .
I need to get out.
The flashes come like they always do. Each crash above this building is like a camera flash showing me a brief image before it fades away.
Boom.
My mother on the floor.
Boom.
Me walking in from school sopping wet.
Boom.
Her lifeless eyes staring up at me.
Boom.
I ran. I ran so fucking fast, right to Bo’s house. I remember crashing into their front door.
Boom.
Mrs. Zhao shouting something, at first I thought at me, but then I realized she was yelling to Bo’s dad. I was covered in puke and didn’t even realize I’d done it while running from our apartment.
Boom.
Police sirens and paramedics.
Boom.
The stretcher that carried her body out. A large crack split through the sky. I flinched, falling to the floor, huddling in on myself. Squeezing my arms around my body. There’s is too much noise, too many hands touching me.
Then there was one.
My eyes blinked open, and Bo was holding my shaking body on his kitchen floor.
His arms held me steady. I’m shocked to this day that I didn’t squeeze him to death.
I held him so tight until the thunder stopped and people stopped asking me questions.
I didn’t go home that night. My father showed up hours later to take me home, but Mrs. Zhao somehow talked him into letting me stay.
I think she saved my life that night, because as violent as he’d been before, it was nothing compared to what followed.
That night he might have killed me.
I went home three days later to get ready for her funeral that weekend, and the house was trashed. To this day I don’t understand it. He treated her like shit, beat on her if I wasn’t there to take it for her, and yet he acted like his world was ending.
It’s the same with me, though, and it’s sick how trapped I feel.
He hurts me—verbally, physically. He hurts my body and my brain.
Yet he acts as if I’m his greatest gift on earth.
It eats away at me. It’s why I don’t let go, and it’s why I put up with it when I know I shouldn’t.
When I start to pull away I feel bad because yeah, he hurts me, but he loves me just as much.
He’s my dad, how can I just walk away? It’s sick, but I can’t stop. I let the guilt grip me.
Darkness slices into the shop. “Shit. The power. Good thing the tattoo’s done.” Everything stops with a hum. Then silence. Cold, dead silence.
Fuck. I can’t . . . I can’t do this. BANG.
I flinch, and hands grip me. I open my eyes, expecting Bo like every other single time I’ve been locked inside my trauma, but instead I see Jamie.
His hands are larger, rougher than Bo’s, his grip a lot less loving, but just as steady. “Look at me, Camden!” he snaps.
My chest rises and falls rapidly. “Where—where—where—” I can’t stop hiccuping. My breaths come in sharp painful bursts.
“Look at me. You’re going to pass out. You’re having a panic attack.”
“I need—Bo. I need—”
“No you don’t.” He grips me harder. “Just look at me.” Breathe.
Breathe. Breathe. I can’t. The tightness in my chest grows.
I try, though. I try and I don’t stop watching his eyes.
They’re so dark they’re nearly black. A lot harsher than the warm brown of Bo’s.
“That’s it. That’s it. Just breathe. Try to focus on me, okay? ”
I swallow, looking around. Ian and Julian both wear concerned looks as they watch me. Jamie grabs my jaw, holding my gaze to his.
“Don’t look at them. Just me.” My eyes flick up to the window. The light isn’t anything substantial, but I can make out Jamie’s face—his hard-set eyes, the brow that’s pierced. He has an unfinished tattoo on the side of his neck. “My best friend.”
“What?”
Jamie looks back at Ian. I watch his friend swallow.
“My best friend did that tattoo. Well, most of them, except for the one on my chest,” Jamie says.
“This was his shop, with Ian. His boyfriend. He did this a couple of weeks before they were to open. It was the first tattoo he did in this building.” Jamie smiles sadly.
“He didn’t have much time, but he did the outline.
I was supposed to get it filled in after they opened. He never got a chance to do it.”
Jamie grabs Julian’s stool, sitting across from me. My breathing begins to slow. It’s now I realize my hands are in his as he rubs soothing circles over the tops, and I focus on that while I try to calm every sharp inhale. His thumbs don’t stop the slow circles on my hands.
A soft ring makes him flinch. “Shit.” He looks down a his phone, answering it. “Hey, baby. No, I’m fine, are you guys okay?” His brows scrunch. “What?” His eyes flick to me. “Hold on.” Jamie puts it on speaker.
“I don’t know what to do!” Noah’s panicked voice comes out. “He doesn’t know where his inhaler is. I don’t know—” Fuck! I pull my hand out of Jamie’s. My pocket.
“I have his inhaler. Fuck! I have it.” I get out of the chair.
“Wait, I have to clean that first,” Julian says. I totally forgot about the tattoo. Julian grabs my arm, cleaning my tattoo while I bounce on my toes just ready to sprint back to the lake house.
I ignore the darkness, the loud bangs outside, and the flashes. I need to get to Bo. “What should I do?!” Noah’s freaking out.
“Stay calm.” I focus on what’s happening and not the pain in my lungs. My chest aches with the aftermath of it.
“He’s not talking!” Noah cries.
“Noah, I need you to calm down.” I grab the phone from Jamie. I hear coughing in the background. I can’t see him, but Bo rarely has attacks anymore, and if he does, they’re small. This doesn’t sound small. “Do you have coffee?”
“I always have iced coffee!”
“Great. You need to get Bo some coffee. Don’t worry about creamer. Just get him some coffee. Do you have a water bottle or something?”
“Uh, probably.”
“I have one.” I hear what sounds like Hunter.
“First, go get him coffee. It doesn’t matter if it’s black, he’ll drink it.
He needs to drink it. Someone grab that water bottle and empty it if it’s not.
Take scissors and cut the bottom out and dry it.
We’ll be right there.” Julian finishes cleaning me up and putting what looks like a clear sticker on my wrist.
I see Jamie take out cash. “My treat for us both.” He hands the cash to Ian who refuses to take it.
Jamie rolls his eyes, going behind the desk and grabbing an onyx jar, stuffing it in then giving Ian the finger.
“I need you to dry it completely then find some tape. We’re on our way.
Noah, give him that coffee and try to massage his back. We’re coming now.”
Jamie and I break through the doors into the falling icy rain. I can’t think about anything. I hang up, handing Jamie his phone back.
“I have his fucking inhaler.” Freshly fallen snow dusts the path we took. “I’m so fucking dumb! I always hold onto it because he loses it and I left him without it. I’m fucking stupid!”
“Hey!” Jamie grabs my arm. “You’re not stupid. That back there was impressive as hell. You were in the middle of a panic attack and all your focus pulled you out of it. I wouldn’t have known any of that shit. That’s impressive, Cam. That’s fucking smart.”
“Come on.”
We break through the woods, half running. Jamie falls behind, jogging a bit then stopping. “You okay?”
“I’m fine. Go.” I’m soaking wet now. I flinch at a crack of thunder, but my focus is on Bo. Normally he doesn’t have bad attacks, but I’d be lying if I thought the last few days had been anything but routine. I know from our past that his attacks happen more frequently if he’s upset.
And yeah . . . last night he was pretty fucking upset.
I see the lake house up ahead and jog faster.
I lost Jamie a way back, but sorry, bro, my sight is set on getting to the house.
His inhaler burns a hole in my pants. Finally I reach the door and barrel through it.
I hear voices up the stairs and take them two at a time.
I feel slightly bad that I’m tracking snow all over their floor.
The voices become louder when I reach the far bedroom, down the hall.
Walking through the door, I immediately know there are too many people in here.
“I need everyone out except Noah. Please.” Bri, Mark, and Hunter listen, giving us space.
“Where’s the water bottle?” Noah hands it to me.
“I need like scotch tape and scissors. Now.”
Noah doesn’t say a word, turning out of the room.
Bo’s eyes are closed as he attempts to breathe.
The coffee sits nearly empty on the nightstand.
“Bobo?” His eyes pinch closed and he shakes his head.
“I know. I’m sorry. Noah’s coming.” Pulling out his inhaler, I rub his back.
“I’m so sorry, Bobo.” I feel heat flood my eyes.
I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to keep pushing him away.
His eyes flutter open then, his chest still heaving. His eyes flick to the tattoo on my wrist. His eyes pinch.
“So sorry. Found them!” Noah rushes in with Jamie trailing behind him, his beanie crusted with wet snow. I don’t tell them to leave.
I take the plastic, cutting a hole in the top for his inhaler to fit, and taping the edges of the bottom so it doesn’t cut him.
“Here, babe.” The name slips from my lips, and his eyes soften on me. I want him so bad. The clarity screams at me. I give him the inhaler. He takes a puff, breathing deeply and holding the spacer to his mouth. Rubbing his back, I wait for him to focus on taking slow, deep breaths. “That’s it.”
“What’s that for?”
I turn to look at Noah. “It’s a spacer. It basically just helps the medicine get to him quicker.” Bowen tries to inhale. He reaches for my hand, squeezing. Good sign. “Go ahead, Bobo. Do what you have to do.” I watch him grip onto me. “That’s it.”
“Come on, Noah, let’s go.”
“Noah.” I look behind me. “Thank you for taking care of him. I’m glad he has you.” Noah gives me a smile, grabbing Jamie’s sweater and leading him out the door. The heavy chill of my wet clothes is starting to get to me. I hate wearing wet clothing. They feel too heavy and cling to my skin.
“I know . . . you want . . . to peel your . . . skin off.”
I laugh, I can’t help it. “As much as I’d love to strip down in front of you right now, we need to talk first.” Bowen takes another puff, nodding. “That’s it. Don’t scare me like that.”
“Tattoo?” I look down at the strawberries and banana on my wrist.
I smile down at it. No matter what, I know we’ll be solid.
I am terrified, but it’s a fear that’s worth the risk.
Seeing Jamie with Noah and getting to know him has shown me it is.
I know Jamie’s terrified of losing Noah, he’s already lost so much, but seeing him so happy .
. . I’m envious. I want a slice of that.
“Do you like it?” I smile, looking down at the banana in between the strawberries. It’s adorable.
“Cam.” His brows pinch. “That’s a dick.”
“What?!” I look down, and I don’t understand what he means. “No it’s not. It’s us, more strawberry than banana.”
“Camden, look at it.” He holds my wrist up, and oh, oh shit.
Well, Julian’s looks make sense now. “I wanted the banana in between, because they’re friends.”
He closes his eyes, laughing. Or trying to. His breathing is still a bit stunted. “I love you so much.” He smiles, shaking his head. “It’s a cute tattoo.”
My chest fills with warmth as more color comes back to his face. “You’re my best friend, Bo.” I swallow, holding his hand. “I love you more than anything.” I cup his face, loving the way he leans into it. “It just took me a little while to understand what that actually means.”
Finally his breathing is near normal. He’s still gripping my hand and I don’t think I can let go. “The power outage,” he says softly, his voice more stable. “Are you okay?”
I smile, thinking about my freakout. “Yeah. Jamie helped me with it.” This entire time I’ve thought of Noah as Bo’s friend, but that’s not right. They’re our friends. “I like him.”
“Yeah, well, he’s taken . . . and I’m not sharing you.”
“I’m scared,” I admit. “I just want you to know that.”
“Cam.” My eyes lift to Bo. “Lock the door.”