Chapter 27
Ivy
Aunt Sherry’s car pulls into our driveway three days later. Three days in which Joe doesn’t change his mind about leaving, and in which we barely speak to each other. Three days in which my heart withers little by little, then all at once when the doorbell rings.
During those three days, Joe goes to work at the grocery store every evening and comes back on the last bus before midnight.
That’s why I never caught him—he gets home shortly before I do.
He will be missing his last week of school before Christmas Break, but with all his exams done, his teachers gave him the green light to go to Boston.
I’m sitting at the kitchen table, nursing a steaming mug of tea, when Aunt Sherry makes her presence known. I don’t get up.
The sound of his suitcase rolling along on the wooden floor makes me sick. And when Joe emerges from his room with said suitcase, opens the front door, and smiles at the person on the other side, I fight with all I’ve got not to burst into tears. I have no right to cry—this is all my doing.
“Hi, Aunt Sherry.”
“Joseph, look at you! Have you grown taller?”
Three days, and that piercing feeling of betrayal hasn’t subdued at all, just like the headache I always get from Aunt Sherry’s forced, fake-happy voice.
At this point, it’s not even about his secret job. When I told Joe he was right, I meant it—I’ve been too strict with him. It came from a protective, well-meaning place and a terrible personal experience with getting jobs at a young age, but it doesn’t matter.
Because Joe, my little brother, the person I love most in this world, lied to me. He felt the need to do it to get what he wanted because I wouldn’t listen.
The trust between us has shattered. Joe went behind my back, and that isn’t okay. But I can’t sit here and hold my head high because I, too, fucked up.
I shouldn’t be surprised because that’s who I am.
No matter how hard I pretend to have it together, no matter who I try to fool, I’m a mess.
I could never be the guardian Joe needs.
And as I look at Aunt Sherry now, I wonder if she is.
I wonder if I made a mistake, and I took him away from her all those months ago.
“Are you ready to go?” our aunt asks him, not bothering to acknowledge my presence in any way.
“Yeah, I think so.” Joe pats down his jeans. “Wait, I forgot my phone in my room.”
He sprints back down the hallway, and an awkward silence falls over the house like an old blanket that desperately needs a wash.
“I see you’ve made the right decision,” she says, breaking the silence—to my dismay—and turns to me with her usual haughty expression. It fits her as well as her tweed blazer and skirt set does. “Your brother will be happy in Boston and get the education he needs to become an excellent pilot.”
I shift my attention back to my tea. “Good.”
That’s the only thing keeping me from sending myself into a spiral. By going with her, Joe’s future will be secured. Money won’t be a problem anymore. He deserves that kind of stability. The sort I can’t give him.
Joe comes back before Aunt Sherry can throw another one of her backhanded compliments at me. “Found it.”
“Very well. Say goodbye to your sister now. Our flight leaves in two hours.” She glances at me and nods once. “I’ll be waiting in the car. Ivy.”
I make a half-assed attempt at a wave. “Bye.”
The door shuts behind her, the sound echoing in the house. I take a sip from my tea that doesn’t even taste good. My mug makes a clinking noise when I set it back down on the table.
Joe is already looking at me when I turn to him. Despite being only a few feet apart, it’s never felt this distant between us.
I stand slowly, stretching the moment. Just because this is the best thing for him doesn’t mean it’s not tearing me apart.
“I’m not mad at you” is the first thing that leaves my mouth. I can’t stand the thought of him thinking I’m not in his corner anymore. “I love you, and that will never change.”
“Okay,” he says quietly.
“Don’t be a stranger.” I swallow past the lump in my throat and get closer, wanting more than anything to give him a crushing hug, but hesitating.
This is the longest conversation we’ve had since that night.
“Call and text me daily. Please. I want to know how things are going, and if you like it at Aunt Sherry’s.
If she does or says anything to upset you—”
“I will be fine,” he cuts me off.
I bite my lip to stop it from trembling.
“I should go,” he says, dropping his gaze to his suitcase.
I feel him slipping through my fingers. Like I’m losing him forever, and there’s nothing I can do about it. It’s all my fault—I pushed him away, and he’s not fighting against it. And why would he? We both know his future will be uncertain here.
“Right.” I clear my voice. “Have a safe flight, and text me when you land.”
This is the best thing for him.
He will always come before my feelings.
He’s better off with a real adult who can give him what he needs.
“I will.” Joe waves in an absentminded way and leaves before I get the chance to say another word.
I don’t move.
I can’t.
The sound of a car pulling out of our driveway fills the loud silence of the house, and I still don’t move.
He’s gone. He’s really gone.
This is what I wanted, isn’t it? To do the right thing.
My gaze lands on the recently painted kitchen cabinets. And it’s that, a fucking olive-green color that he hated at first, that breaks down my last bit of strength.
The cabinets go blurry as tears stream down my face. A sob rakes out of me, and I double over. It feels like the universe is falling on me.
I don’t want to be here. I want to change the past, so many things about it, that the regret is making me breathless.
Kneeling on my kitchen floor, I cry for the sister I’m supposed to be and I’m not.
I cry because, no matter how much I tried, I couldn’t do it. I failed him.
I don’t hear the front door opening, and I don’t see the man coming in my direction until I’m wrapped in Ford’s arms.
“Sweetheart.” He holds me against his chest as I keep sobbing. “Let it all out. I’m here.”
“What are you doing?” I hiccup, clinging to his shirt like a lifeline.
“I saw Joe getting in the car, and I wanted to say goodbye before he left,” he explains. “I figured you wouldn’t be doing well, so I came to check on you. Is that okay?”
What have I done to deserve this man in my life? To have him here, holding me while I fall apart, when I’ve done nothing but give him the cold shoulder these past few days?
“I’m sorry,” I breathe out. “I’m so sorry. I’m not mad at you.”
He gently cradles me against his chest, saying nothing. For the first time, I notice he’s sitting on the floor with me.
“I was angry, and I didn’t want to take it out on you. I didn’t trust myself not to push you away,” I confess. “I’m such a mess, Ford.”
“You needed space, and I get that. You could never push me away,” he reassures me, stroking strands of hair out of my face and behind my ear with so much care, all I want is to cry harder.
“What have I done?” My lungs burn, and the pressure on my chest isn’t letting me take a full breath. “I abandoned him.”
“No, baby. You didn’t. You did all you could,” he says, sounding so convinced that I want to believe him more than anything.
I take a deep breath, slipping the mask of control I’ve been wearing since our mother died back into place. The one that allowed me to keep going, to stay strong for Joe and Dad.
Only, when my eyes meet Ford’s, the mask falls. It doesn’t fit anymore.
“You don’t have to pretend with me,” he says, his thumb capturing the tears streaming down my face. “I know you’re strong, Ivy. The strongest person I know. That’s not something you need to prove to me or to anyone else. You’re allowed to break down and to not have everything figured out.”
“I’m not,” I hiccup. “I’m not allowed to be a mess, Ford. Joe depended on me, and I failed him. I encouraged him to leave. What if—God. What if he feels abandoned? What if he thinks I just wanted to get rid of him?”
The thought of my baby brother seeing me as another adult in his life who gave up on him tears me apart. He’s my favorite person in the entire world, someone I would give my life for without hesitation.
“You didn’t fail him. You’re doing what’s best for him, and sometimes that means delegating.”
“I didn’t delegate. I pawned him off on a rich aunt he barely knows. I told him to go, and I don’t deserve to cry over it. So why can’t I stop fucking crying?”
“Don’t be so hard on yourself, yeah? This will be an adjustment for both of you,” Ford says, always trying to make me see the bright side. “It doesn’t mean you will lose your relationship with him. You didn’t when you moved to New York.”
I sniffle. “This is different.”
“How so?”
“He was still here, with his friends and the life he’s always known. A life he loved.”
“If Joe isn’t comfortable with your aunt and wants to come back, you have to trust that he will tell you. You’re his sister. Your bond is unbreakable.” He presses his lips to the top of my head. “He will be okay, and so will you.”
“I-I hoped… that working in the city would help me save up on time. But then my dad went and….” I shake my head, angry at myself. “I’d always heard that aviation was a career only rich people could afford, and it was stupid of me to think we would be the exception.”
“Having hope is human, Ivy.”
“Having hope is a waste of time. Hope is a stupid, pointless, fragile thing that always breaks. I should’ve known better.”
My tears have stopped, but the void in my chest gets bigger every time I remember Joe isn’t here, inside these walls, and things won’t go back to the way they were.
From today, his bedroom will be empty. I won’t have to leave a note on his nightstand when I get back from The Harmony Grove.
I won’t get to embarrass him with my loud music in front of his friends when I drop him off at school.
I won’t take him plane spotting on Sundays, or lie in his bed with my phone while he edits his videos, or throw a stinky sock at him when I get bored.
And it’s all my fault.
I let out a shaky breath. “Ford?”
“Yes, Ivy.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to lash out at you like that.”
His arms tighten around me. “You’re allowed to be upset.”
“Can you… can you spend the night?” As soon as I realize how that sounds, I’m quick to add, “I don’t want to do anything. That’s not why I asked. I just don’t want to be alone right now.”
“Of course I can spend the night.” He nuzzles his cheek against the top of my head. “Whatever you need.”
“Even show me your picture in the real firefighter calendar?”
“We’ll see,” he concedes with a chuckle.
I peel myself away from him and meet his eyes. “This is going to sound cheesy as hell, but thank you for seeing me at my worst and still sticking around.”
God, I was so delusional to think this crush on him would ever go away. Joke’s on me, because it grows a little more every day, to the point where I don’t think what I feel for Ford is just a crush anymore.
“You’re never getting rid of me, beautiful. You got yourself a sexy firefighter for life.”