Chapter 33
T he last months of my pregnancy went by both slow and fast. Moving was a struggle, and I constantly felt like I was carrying a small house around. But there was no time for rest. I had a million and one things to do before the baby arrived, and I was determined to get them all done.
I’d converted the spare room into a beautiful nursery, painting it gender-neutral colors. I wasn’t one for wall decor, especially when the baby would grow out of certain imagery. But I was a huge fan of photos—unsurprisingly. I had a framed photo of me cradling my bump from a maternity shoot a friend had done of me. I’d also hung the sunset I’d shot on my last evening in Puerto Vallarta. The evening that changed my life forever. The night one part of my life ended, and a new life had, unknowingly, begun.
My dad bought me a crib and a bassinet attached to my bed. I wanted the baby to sleep with me as long as they needed before they transitioned to their own room.
Even though I kept myself busy prepping for the baby and wrapping up my photography bookings, Drew was always at the back of my mind. I still worried about him constantly. I wondered if he was okay, if he was lonely. The last time I’d seen him at that park, he’d looked so sad and… down . We’d been together for so long that it was hard to break the habit of not caring about his well-being. As much as he hurt me, as much as I knew that I’d made the right decision to end things completely, I still loved Drew deeply. That wouldn’t go away anytime soon.
We were also still married, so I felt that spiritual tether to him. Once the baby came, I would need to look into a divorce attorney. I hoped I could start healing once that legal bond was severed.
I was now two days overdue and only mildly stressed out. I was so uncomfortable, but I still tried to keep active, although my workouts were now done in my living room just in case I went into labor. Giving birth on the side of the road was not part of my birth plan.
On day three, I woke up with an aching back. It was a different pain than usual. It was dull and hung around, unlike my usual twinges, which came and went. From my mindful birth classes, I knew that my body was preparing to go into active labor. Still, I carried on as usual while I waited for my body to do its thing. I cleaned, edited photos, and made lunch for myself and my dad. By that time, my stomach had started to tighten on and off. Shit was about to get real soon.
I messaged my midwife, Nellie, and my photographer to keep them on standby alert.
Nothing seemed to happen for another three hours until I went to the bathroom, and a warm trickle slid down my legs. I stared down, thinking I’d accidentally pissed myself, but as soon as I opened my legs, a gush of liquid spilled down. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. My baby would be here soon.
My contractions started to really come through an hour later. By then, Nellie and my photographer had arrived to help me out. Dad kept warm towels handy and a stack of blankets. He turned on a playlist I created before lighting a few vanilla candles, a scent that always calmed me. He left Nellie to help me with my breathing while he provided us with coffee, juice, water, and snacks. He kept a casual distance but was ready to jump in if needed. After all, he’d done this before with my mom.
When my contractions were seven minutes apart, Nellie messaged my midwife who lived nearby. She was at my home within ten minutes. My contractions weren’t too bad; I could still breathe and talk through them. I couldn’t sit still, so I sat on my exercise ball, walked around the house, went on all fours, and continued my breathing exercises.
Two hours later, I clutched my midwife’s arm. “I think I need the bathroom.” Something was pushing down heavily, and I was afraid that something else would come out of me soon if I didn’t get to the bathroom.
My midwife checked me before shaking her head. “No, sweetheart. You’re ready to push. That’s your body urging you. It’s time for bubba to come out.”
And so, just over an hour after I started pushing, my much loved and wanted baby came out of me to the soft crooning of Keali’i Reichel.
“Congratulations, Mama,” my midwife softly said as Nellie sobbed in the background. “You have a beautiful baby girl.”
I clutched my squawking daughter gently against my chest and cried. A love like I’d never felt before coursed through my body as I held this wrinkled, bloody, gunky, precious human in my arms.
An hour and a half later, I was in bed with a cup of tea, and my new baby daughter. She was fed and now asleep, cuddled snugly against my chest. My dad was still mopping tears of joy away, telling me how proud he was, and how proud my mom would’ve been. I silently prayed to my mom and ancestors for giving me the strength to see this through. It was a moment I would never forget, and I was so glad I decided to have this day photographed. Despite how sore I was and that stuff was still coming out of me, I felt on top of the world; like the world’s most powerful woman.
Dad came over to me with a plate of cookies and a sandwich. He sat down next to me and patted my knee.
‘How are you, pumpkin?”
I couldn’t take my eyes off my daughter. “Tired. Happy.”
His large hand cradled the back of my daughter’s head, his granddaughter. “She’s so beautiful. I love you both so much.” With a gentle kiss on my forehead, he left me alone to bond with my new baby.
I stared down at her perfect sleeping face and when a wetness dripped on her cheek, I immediately brushed it away. As beautiful as this day had been, it wasn’t supposed to be this way. I’d envisioned my birth playing out exactly like this—giving birth at home. Except, it would’ve been at my home with Drew. With my husband by my side, helping me breathe through the pain. He would catch our daughter coming out of me. He would be the one to place her on my chest. I could almost picture him fussing over me as I fed our daughter, insisting he stay up to watch her while I rested.
Keeping my hand steadily on my daughter, I picked up my phone and went through my messages. My thumb hovered over the last text chain I’d had with Drew, my gaze catching on the photo I had of him as his profile picture. Sniffing loudly, I swiped past his details and brought up the details of the person I needed to text. I took a quick snap of my daughter’s peaceful face before I drafted up a message.
Frankie: Hi, Carlos. Just letting you know that your daughter was born tonight at 10:05 PM. She’s beautiful and healthy.