Chapter 32
A s soon as I came through the door, I spied them. "Oooh, cookies!" I clapped my hands in glee.
Lactation cookies, to be exact. When Nellie first bought them for me, I’d curled my lip in disgust. I mean, lactation cookies didn't exactly sound appetizing. But I was all about natural ways to bring my milk in and keep my supply heavy, so I reluctantly tried them.
I was wrong. They were delicious. Dark Chocolate was my favorite and I gave a little wiggle of appreciation when I spied a full pack. I ripped the seal off and dug in.
Nellie leaned on the kitchen counter, smirking as she watched me devour my treat.
"You don't have to keep getting me these. I can buy them."
Nellie shrugged as she moved to the fridge. "It's nothing," she insisted. I dug back for another cookie as Nellie poured me a large glass of milk.
I was well into my seventh month of pregnancy now. I couldn't believe how fast the months were flying. I was feeling good—tired and a little achy—but still good. I was able to continue working comfortably, which was something I’d worried about the deeper into my pregnancy I went. My job could be physically taxing since it involved a lot of bending, kneeling and carrying around heavy equipment. I kept fit and active by going for walks every evening, and I also wore a belly band, which took the pressure off and helped with round ligament pain.
Thanks to Drew, I’d acquired a midwife who specialized in home births. I was nervous about it, but excited. She was exactly the kind of person I’d pictured to help bring my baby into this world. Understanding, compassionate, and knowledgeable; whilst taking into account my own birth plan and encouraging me to be an advocate for my own body. It was what my mama had, and I couldn't wait to experience it. I knew it was gonna hurt like a bitch, so I was doing all I could to help me through the process.
I'd also gone one step further and hired a photographer friend to take my birth photos. Yes, I was that kind of new mom. I wasn’t sure whether I would even have another child, so I wanted to make the moment memorable.
The only dark cloud in my horizon—apart from divorcing Drew—was that I still hadn't heard from Carlos. He had my number and address, so the ball was in his court. I wasn't going to beg him to be a part of his child's life, but I was still hopeful that he would reach out. At least to know where his head was at.
I dusted the crumbs off my stomach and slowly rose. "I'm gonna head out for a walk. Did you wanna come?"
"Nah. I have some papers to go through. Got your phone with you?"
Nellie fretted over me constantly, worrying about every twinge and sigh of pain I made. I had to admit, it was nice to have someone take care of me.
Sene checked in on me often, which I appreciated. I thought I'd lose him during the breakup since he was Drew's college buddy, but he assured me Drew was more than okay with us staying in touch. We respected boundaries and didn't talk about my eventual divorce from his best friend. And I didn't ask after Drew. Even though I was dying to.
Was he doing okay?
Did he find a new place to live?
Was he eating okay?
I still couldn’t help worrying over him. When Nellie and I had gone to Las Vegas for a girls' trip a few years back, Drew confessed to only eating takeout for a week.
My biggest question, though, was: now that I was out of the picture…were he and Carly dating?
I zipped up my light jacket as I walked to the end of the street. The weather was pleasant enough, but since I ran hot these days, I knew I’d lose my jacket soon. Today, I decided to take a different route, turning left instead of right. I usually roamed aimlessly for twenty minutes before turning back, but it was such a nice evening and my back and hips weren’t causing me trouble today. Maybe I could push a little further to the park a few blocks over. I could sit down for a little bit before –
"Frankie?"
The breathless call of my name had me turning in surprise. My heart shuddered at the sight of Drew running up behind me. My baby kicked, and I grasped my stomach, running my hand over the wave of greeting. Little Bean must've sensed my spike of anxiety. My rush of adrenaline.
He slowed his steps as he approached, and my greedy eyes couldn't help but eat him up. I hadn't seen him since we left our keys on the mantel of our former home, giving each other one last hug before we parted.
His muscles bulged beneath his sleeveless top. He wore black athletic shorts and had buds in his ears that he swiftly removed. He looked good. Really fucking good.
Meanwhile, I resembled a waddling land mammal.
"Drew. This is a surprise."
He flashed me a smile, his face a little red and sweaty from his run. It was comforting to know that he still kept his same routine. Well, the routine he had before he started going out after work. "I'm actually renting an apartment a few blocks from here," he revealed.
"Oh! Sene get sick of you?"
His lips tipped up before he flashed his white teeth at me. "I was cramping his style. Hard to bring a girl home when you have a thirty-three-year-old roommate hanging around."
My stomach dropped. He must've seen the change on my face because he immediately held his hands up. "I mean Sene. Not me. I'm not seeing anyone. Definitely not bringing anyone back. To his house or my new apartment," he added.
My face flushed, and I dropped my gaze from his. "It's okay, Drew. It's none of my business anymore. Hasn't been for a long time," I quietly said.
If anything, his face tinged a little redder, and his shoulders dropped. "How are you? Should you be walking…in your state?"
His eyes briefly swung down to my stomach before shifting sidewards. I realized that the last time he’d seen me, I barely had a bump. Now, there was no doubt that I was expecting. No pretending that I hadn't been with another man. There was hard evidence in the form of another human being that I already loved so much.
"No. It's best to keep active during pregnancy. Makes the birth easier, helps move and keeps the baby in the best position for birth."
He nodded. "Cool. Cool, cool." His eyes swung down again, this time lingering a little longer.
Tenderness washed over me as I watched the battle of emotions raging on his face. I reached out and gripped his hand. His eyes were slightly glassy, but he still curled his fingers around mine.
"For what it's worth, Drew, I'm sorry. I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I'm sorry it's hard for you to see me like this. But it won't be for long." I was getting closer to moving back to Columbia. Closer to our impending divorce.
He shook his head. "That's the thing. I hate and love seeing you." He shot me a rueful smile, his eyes shifting over my face. "Sene was right; you are glowing. You're so beautiful. But I also hate it because I know that…that there's a reminder of some other guy touching you. It tears me up inside, baby."
My mouth turned down in sadness. "Well, I can understand that…"
There were many times when we were together and separated that I'd tortured myself with images of him and Carly.
His throat bobbed, seeming to understand.
"Will you…"
"What?"
"Will you tell me what happened? I feel like I need to know."
I took a deep breath. "Drew…" I started shaking my head, but he held onto my hands.
"Please? I'm hoping it can't possibly be as bad as what I'm imagining every night."
I wanted to say no. After all, we were separated and on the path to divorce. There was no reconciliation in sight. There was no point in dredging this up. But I knew what Drew was really seeking. Closure. Just like I had wanted to know every conversation and interaction Drew had with Carly, he wanted the same.
Maybe this was what we needed to move on. How many more conversations would we have like this? How many times would we bump into each other? When I moved away, the chance of seeing him again would decrease dramatically, and after divorce, the chances would be slim to none.
"Shall we walk to Myers Park? I need to sit down to tell this."
***
As it turned out, everything looked better from the bottom end of a tequila shot glass.
Carlos was excellent company. There were no worries about keeping up my end of the conversation because Carlos was chatty enough for the both of us. He told me about his abuela, who lived in Chihuahua, and how she demanded a huge celebration. Her whole community was involved in one big street party that lasted well into the early hours.
He regaled me with stories of his travels and all the places he wanted to go to next. Since I was a seasoned traveler myself, I gave him my suggestions and advice on where to go. I tried to ignore the ache in my chest at remembering that all those trips occurred with Drew by my side.
I shook off the feeling. I didn't want to think about my lying, cheating, soon-to-be ex-husband. I was in beautiful Mexico with a guy a decade younger who was an outrageous flirt. I wasn't planning on doing anything with him, of course, but it was nice to feel like I was the only girl in the world that he wanted to talk to.
Because he had other options. Oh, boy, did he. There were hotter girls, probably more age-appropriate, making heart eyes at Carlos from across the bar. But he ignored them. Didn’t even glance at them once. He made me feel drop-dead gorgeous, rather than a dowdy soon-to-be spinster who’d just been dumped by her husband for a younger model.
As the night wore on, the drinks kept flowing, and Carlos started to grow a little more touchy-feely. Earlier in the night, he’d only touched my hand when he wanted to make a point in his story or a bump of my shoulder against his when he was making a joke.
But now, his hands started to touch my thigh. It was brief, and at first, I barely noticed. But then his touch started to linger on my bare skin. And when they stayed for a few seconds longer before small circles started to dance on my skin from his fingers; there was no mistaking his intention.
My body buzzed with good liquor, and even though my inhibitions were lowered, I was still very aware of what was happening. I didn’t attempt to remove his hand, even though it felt strange to be flirty and carefree with another man. It was nice to be wanted…but it still didn’t feel natural. There was a twinge of guilt and weirdness about touching a man other than my husband. It felt like I was doing something wrong. I had to repeat to myself: ' You're separated. You're not doing anything wrong. Drew is probably with her right now.'
The conversation soon turned to me. Something I tried to avoid all night. But Carlos had been so nice to me; so attentive. My ego and self-esteem were at an all-time high, thanks to his interest. And since he'd been so open about his life, I slowly opened up about mine. Eventually, everything came tumbling out.
"Wait…he told you that he wasn't dating her, and then two days later, she posts about being on a date with him? Wow."
I nodded, more than ready to talk shit about my husband. It was refreshing to have a take from a stranger. It made me feel like I wasn't crazy or being unreasonable.
He shook his head. "He sounds like a douche. You're lucky to be rid of him."
My first reflex was annoyance that Carlos had said that about Drew. He didn't know him well enough to call him that. But then my mind drifted to Carly and her smug post, and I kicked that feeling aside.
Drew was a douche. He'd gaslit, lied, and emotionally cheated on me. He kept secrets from me about wanting children whilst letting me waffle on excitedly about being a mom.
"They're closing the bar soon," Carlos noted as the staff shouted last calls. His blue eyes swung back to me, piercing me with an intensity that had my heart beating fast. In excitement. In anxiety. “But I have drinks in my room. I'm not ready for the night to end." His hand drifted to my thigh again. "Are you?"
My breathing quickened as I stared at Carlos' hand on my bare skin. I was quite drunk, but not drunk enough to not be aware of what he was asking me. If I went to his room, I knew that something might happen. I was putting myself in an intimate environment where there was no mistaking what Carlos wanted. I didn't have to have sex with him, of course, but I knew that a “drink” was not all that would occur if I went up to his room. Alone.
Just like Drew had been alone in Carly's hotel room.
And just like that, my decision was made. Drew had no qualms entertaining the attentions of another woman whilst married to me. He chose to stay in Carly's hotel room to drink alone with her despite knowing how upset it would have made me. And look what happened? Something happened. And for once, I couldn't be one hundred percent sure that Drew had even told me the truth about their “almost kiss.” They could've fucked, and I would've been none the wiser.
Carlos, a twenty-three-year-old, hot college guy, wanted me. I was still attractive and wanted by someone. So when Carlos' hand slid up higher on my thigh; instead of tensing and removing it, a kittenish wanton siren came out of me. I felt desirable and sexy. And a little in my revenge era.
So I pushed whatever remaining guilt I had aside and took Carlos' hand in mine. I wasn't doing anything wrong. We were separated. He was dating Carly. He'd probably already fucked her.
We crashed through Carlos' hotel door with our lips tightly locked. I didn't know who made the first move, but we had suddenly started pawing at each other on the tension-filled ride up to his suite. At first, it felt wrong kissing someone who wasn't Drew. Not entirely unpleasant, but I definitely had to push past my discomfort to continue.
When I thought about pulling back, Carlos tightened his grip on my hips before placing urgent kisses down my neck. I immediately pushed him away when he reached that spot I loved. That was Drew's spot. He was the one who discovered how much I loved having his lips caress the curve of my neck.
Carlos’ hand slid reluctantly from my hip. His lips were wet and red, his hair disheveled. He looked thoroughly kissed, and I knew I mirrored him.
"Sorry, Frankie," he breathed. "You're just so damn beautiful. Hottest woman I’ve seen in a while."
A lick of excitement curled in my stomach, and a flush of pleasure rose on my already red cheeks. That was most definitely a line, but the way I was feeling right now—being stared at with so much desire by a hot, young guy who could've picked up any number of twenty-year-old girls nearby—I was all fucking in.
We collapsed onto his bed in a tangle of limbs. My flimsy sundress was suddenly ripped off my body, and the cool air kissed my bare breasts. I didn't know how it happened, but he had somehow unclasped my bra, too. Not that I was complaining. My own hands were pushing his shorts down his firm hips, taking his briefs with it. His shirt was off, and my hands roamed his hard, chiseled frame. He felt different than Drew. So much so that my body tensed and my heart lurched in the betrayal I was committing.
"Hey," Carlos closed his hands around my cheeks. "You still with me?"
His blue eyes were so different from Drew's brown ones. Both equally as beautiful…just odd to see another eye color staring at me. From above. While I was almost naked.
Stop it, I cursed myself. Stop comparing them. Do you think Drew hesitated over Carly's eye color?
I hooked my hand around his neck and yanked him down, meeting his lips with mine.
His lips trailed down my body, placing hot kisses on my breasts, down my stomach, and around my hip. He peeled my panties down my legs before his hot breath covered my quivering pussy. I was wet with need. I wanted this. I needed this. I wanted and needed to feel beautiful again.
I came against another man's tongue before he hopped off the bed and grabbed a condom. He sheathed himself before positioning his cock against my opening. Despite my orgasm, I had to force my legs to open wider. Welcoming him in.
Carlos fucked differently. It was the jackhammer thrusts of an eager twenty-year-old who was still honing his craft. It wasn't unpleasant, but it was a shock to have him jab inside of me at a fast pace, as if he were a porn star performing on set. My legs tightened around his hips, and I stopped his jerking hips.
"Take it easy." I breathed in his ear.
"What?" His face was red and a bead of sweat trickled down the side of his face.
"Here," I offered. I didn't want to offend him, but I felt like I was in the middle of an earthquake with how fast and hard he was fucking. I pushed him off before climbing on top of him. I clutched his condom-wrapped cock and guided it inside me. His head tipped back at the contact, his throat bobbing.
I moaned softly as I seated myself fully on his cock. I slowly rocked my hips against his before bending over him with my hands on either side of his head. My hips jerked up and down, first slowly, before I started a steady rhythm. He felt…good. I tipped my head back as my lower half bobbed up and down on his cock. When I looked down, his eyes were glued on my swaying tits, his gaze fascinated. I moved back up and guided his hands to my heavy breasts, encouraging him to squeeze as I rode him.
Soon, we were moaning loudly; my hands were clutching behind me, digging into his thighs as he took my cue and rubbed my clit with his thumb.
We came together in a series of moans and shudders. It wasn't the intense orgasm I usually had with Drew, but my couplings with my husband were born out of trust and years of experience. He didn't need me to guide him on what I liked. He knew exactly what spot to touch and lick and suck to make me scream, shudder, or squirt.
But that didn't mean I hadn’t enjoyed sex with Carlos. Especially when he pulled me close and told me how good that fuck was.
I wish I could say that that was the last time we had sex, but it wasn't. When I'd tried to pack up my tattered dress to leave, Carlos had pulled me in for another kiss. Which turned into another round. This time, I let him fuck me how he wanted. By the time we finished, it was almost 4 AM, so he told me to stay the rest of the night—or morning, rather.
I woke up at 8 AM, and the first thing I saw was Carlos snoring away next to me. Suddenly, those tequila shots the night before were threatening to reappear. I was fully aware of what I'd done with Carlos. I consented and was a willing participant. But an unbearable, weighted sadness pierced my soul in the cold light of day.
Before Drew and I separated, I'd imagined him agreeing to go with me to Mexico. I pictured us reconnecting and his remorse and apology for how he treated me. I pictured this moment…waking up, turning my head, and seeing a view of my beautiful husband lying next to me.
Never in a million years did I ever think I would be in Mexico, separated from my marriage and knowing that we would never be together again. I also never imagined waking up with a man who wasn't Drew. My chin wobbled, and I fought hard to keep my tears at bay. I didn't want Carlos waking up having to console me, so, as quietly as I could, I rolled out of bed and escaped to his bathroom.
Check-out was at 10 AM, and my head hurt like a mother fucker. But it was nothing compared to how my heart was feeling.
"Here's my number," Carlos slid me a piece of paper with a series of numbers scribbled on it and his name. "Just in case you're in my neck of the woods and want to catch up." He dug his hands into the pocket of his robe and flashed me a shy grin.
I gave him a small smile and nodded, knowing I would never use it. But maybe I'd keep it as a reminder—the first night of my new life without Drew.
"Thank you. You have no idea how much last night meant to me." My voice broke, and I wiped away an errant tear. I wasn't crying because I had sex with Carlos; I was crying because there was no coming back from this. No going back to a marriage that had died when Drew chose Carly. I didn't know what I would do when I got back to St Louis, but I was thankful that I didn't have to do it right away.
"Hey." Carlos pulled me close and hugged me tightly. "You're going to be okay, Frankie. You're going to be okay."
***
When I finished, Drew remained quiet. We both did. His head was down, and I'd heard him sniff a few times while I told my story. I didn't go into explicit detail about my night with Carlos. He didn't need to know all the sexual stuff or how many times we did it. Instead, I focused on how I felt before agreeing to return to his room. My heartbreak over Carly and how I'd already decided we were done as soon as I saw Carly's post about their dinner date. Omitting his desire for kids without talking to me first about his feelings.
Carlos had listened to me. He'd paid me attention. He'd flirted with me and made me feel beautiful. Validated my heartbreak. It was the perfect storm for what happened next.
Finally, Drew lifted his head, scrubbing his face with a shaky hand. He still didn't look at me. "Is he…are you two?" His voice was hoarse. Agonized.
"No," I softly replied. "It was a one-time thing. He just…made me feel good."
He nodded before going quiet again. I looked around me. We were seated in a park, our shoulders barely touching. The air had grown cooler, and I was glad I'd kept my jacket on. I glanced sideways at Drew, wondering whether he was cold. His tank top and athletic shorts would've been okay if he'd kept running. But staying sedentary for almost thirty minutes now, he would feel the chill.
I realized what I was doing and dropped my head. I didn't know how to stop worrying about Drew. I’d lived as part of a couple for so long that all my actions and considerations were wrapped up in him.
"Frankie…about Carly. About that date."
I shook my head frantically, my heart racing. "I don't want to know, Drew. It doesn't matter anymore."
He looked frustrated, but he accepted my request.
"Is this…Carlos guy," he finally turned to look at me, his eyes a little red but their depths sincere. "Is he there for you, at least?"
I shifted uncomfortably. "Sene really hasn't told you anything?"
He shook his head.
I breathed deeply, feeling a little embarrassment and shame. "I went to see Carlos." I'd already told Drew that he lived in Kansas City. He hadn't seemed happy to hear that.
"He was a little freaked out, which I expected. He told me he wasn't sure if he wanted a part of this." My hand rubbed protectively over my belly. "I told him to think about it and let me know, but the window won't be open forever. If he wants a part of their life, he's either all in. There's no jumping in and out of their life."
A look of understanding passed over his face.
"I haven't heard from him."
He turned to me fully, his brow furrowed in concern. "So you're all alone?"
"No. I have Nells and Sene. Plus, Dad can't wait to be a grandad. He's been a lifesaver."
Drew winced. "He must hate me."
My head tilted back and forth. "He's…disappointed." There may have been a lot of creative swear words that my dad had bestowed on his soon-to-be former son-in-law. My dad loved Drew, and I knew he still did. But being disappointed was definitely an understatement.
Drew flinched at my words. "Shit, I think that's even worse."
A chilled breeze lifted my hair, and I gave a little shiver.
"You're cold. Let me walk you back." Drew stood, and as he'd done all the years we'd been together, he grasped my hand and helped me up.
"No, it's okay. It's not that far. I'll be okay." I couldn't spend another minute with Drew. Talking through the remains of our marriage was physically draining, more draining than this walk. I needed a moment to compose myself before returning to Nellie's.
Drew seemed to understand. His eyes roamed my features as if memorizing each curve and shape. "Take care of yourself, Frankie. Both of you."