Chapter 35
L ife with a newborn was amazing. It was everything I'd ever dreamed of and more. Oh, sure, it was tiring, stressful, and scary, especially when I'd developed a habit of continuously waking up in the night to watch her small chest rise and fall while she slept. I'd also been wearing the same pants and sweatshirt for three days straight, and they had questionable stains on them. My indulgent baths were a thing of the past; I had to forsake them for quick scrubs between naps. I may have also had a breakdown or two when Alani refused to sleep three nights in a row, waking up every twenty minutes.
My dad was a complete lifesaver, but I didn't want to rely on him all the time. He'd already done so much for me, insisting I move back in with him and letting me live rent-free. He maintained that time with me and his granddaughter was reward enough.
Nellie, bless her heart, had stayed with me for a whole week before she had to return to St. Louis. She came up most weekends, though, which helped me feel less alone.
A cute little gurgle came from the frilly bassinet I had wheeled into the living room. I smiled as I watched Alani fighting with the sleep suit I had put her in.
"There, there, sweetheart. Did you have a lovely moe ?"
I lifted her, my heart overflowing with love as she immediately started bobbing away at my chest. "Hold up, greedy. Let Mama sit down first."
I sat on the couch and lifted one strap of my breastfeed-friendly shirt. I'd barely unhooked one of the cups of my bra before Alani's little rosebud mouth latched onto my nipple.
Breastfeeding had its perks. I had a hand free to scroll through my phone, and it was convenient to roll over and feed her my boob in the middle of the night. It was also amazing to know that my body could produce all the food and nutrients she needed to thrive in the first months of her life.
But it also had its downsides. My nipples were now only coming right after being chapped and scabbed. I'd also developed mastitis a week after Alani was born. That had not been fun. It also wasn't fun to be leaking all the time or to not be able to sleep on your stomach because your breasts were heavy with milk. Still, I wouldn't have it any other way.
Since I was self-employed, I could return to work whenever I liked. But because my job wasn't a typical nine-to-five, I decided to take four months off. I had small jobs lined up before working up to bigger ones where I could leave Alani at home without fretting. I already had my first wedding lined up in St Louis, and it was a big one. Alani would be seven months by then so I was okay to leave her all day and part of the night with dad or Nellie. For now, I was happy to do family portraits and maternity shoots once my leave was over.
Having Alani as a single mom motivated me to take my career to the next level. Many photographers had a videographer they worked with or a second photographer. Sometimes I partnered with one, like this upcoming wedding I'd been hired to do, but I mostly worked jobs that only required one photographer. How many jobs had I lost because a couple would instead hire a videographer and photographer who already worked together; who knew each other's workflow and style, and could collaborate simultaneously? A lot, would be my guess.
My brief time traveling after that wedding in Mexico reignited my love of travel photography. I envisioned taking Alani on the road with me and becoming a traveling photographer for a while. I'd seen so many photographers do this with their kids, especially when they were small. I wanted to show Alani the world. I wanted to give her the world. But, that vision, although perhaps naive, was a future me problem. I needed to save a lot more money and have a solid plan in place.
Once Alani finished her meal, I took her upstairs to change her diaper. My dad knocked and entered the room just as I finished.
"How's my princess?"
"I'm fine, Daddy." I cheekily answered.
He chuckled before pressing a kiss to the side of my head. "Both my princesses." Before I said a word, he lifted Alani gently from the bed and cradled her against his chest.
"There's a delivery for you."
"Hmm?" I was busy folding Alani's blanket.
"Downstairs. A gift came for you."
I padded down the stairs and was immediately greeted by the fragrant scent of flowers. My mouth dropped when I spied a huge bouquet of pink roses and white lilies. They were my favorite combination of flowers. Sitting next to it looked like a giant four-tier cake, but on closer inspection, they were rolled up diapers, forming the shape of a cake. In between were little gifts. A few pacifiers, a bottle brush, and baby wipes. There was also a box of chocolates, a bottle of fancy champagne, and my usual lactation cookies I loved. My brow furrowed. Nellie? She'd already gotten me so many gifts for Alani. Surely, this wouldn't be her again. I picked up the card attached, and my breath stilled.
Frankie,
I am so proud of you. You're going to be the best mom. I wish I could be beside you during this journey, but I am more than happy to cheer you on from the sidelines. I'll always be here for you.
Love always, Drew
Tears spilled over, and a choked sob escaped. I covered my mouth as I re-read his beautiful words.
Carlos hadn't sent me anything. I hadn't expected him to send a 'congrats on being a mom card,' but there had been radio silence since I contacted him about Alani's birth. I wasn't even sure if he’d received my message; whether he blocked me or changed his number. I still held out hope for him, but I knew that in the coming years, I had to bite the bullet and have a tough conversation with my daughter when she was old enough to understand.
But seeing those words written to me by my ex, the man I still loved, meant the whole world to me.
I still had no clue why Drew didn't want to be a dad or why he had kept it from me, but I knew that if we had a child together, he would be the best father. He wasn't even Alani's dad, had every reason to cut contact and want a divorce straight away—yet he was generous with the divorce and with sharing his health insurance. It was all the proof I needed. Plus, this gift basket and note.
Without thinking, I grabbed my phone and dialed his number.
"Frankie?" His surprised voice rang in my ear. "Hey."
I hadn't seen Drew since we bumped into each other when I was seven months pregnant. Alani was now almost three months old. It was good to hear his voice.
"Drew? I just got your present. I wanted to say thank you."
"Yeah? Was it okay? I was sure you had everything you needed, but you always need diapers."
My eyes crinkled. "You do. And how did you know that I love those brand of lactation cookies?"
The silence stretched. “Uh…”
Awareness dawned. “Nellie.”
“I may have contacted her, asking what you needed. What your favorite things were to eat during this time,” he confessed.
“I’m surprised she told you.”
“Yeah, well, after a few threats against my manhood, she finally relented.”
I snorted in laughter and he followed suit with a few chuckles. I was glad he and Nellie were talking a little again.
"H-how have things been? Big change, huh?"
"Yeah. She's a dream. Sleeps through the night mostly, but I know that will change again soon."
His throat hummed down the line. "I hope you don't mind me saying," he started hesitantly, "but I read your birth story on your website."
Shit. I had a blog on my website that I posted on intermittently. I decided to post a detailed birth story to inspire other women. I also posted a few photos that my birth photographer had sent me. I was completely vulnerable, not leaving a single detail out. Even the photos were a little on the graphic side. But I wasn't ashamed. It was a natural part of life, and I was proud of what I had accomplished.
"I-I can't believe you did all that." His voice was full of wonder. "You're incredible. And…Alani. She's beautiful."
My chin wobbled, and I rolled my lips in. "Thank you."
The silence again swirled around us until Drew gave a soft sigh. "Frankie. Frankie, I wish – "
"Drew." His name was soft but firm. I had to stop him. I couldn't do this back and forth, opening this can of regrets.
"I know." He sounded so sad. So bereft. My heart bled for him. For the both of us and what could have been.
"At some point, we should meet to discuss our separation and divorce."
He went quiet at the reminder.
"Drew?"
"I can meet up whenever you're free. But Frankie? If you want a divorce, you're going to have to initiate it."
My mouth dropped open. "What? What do you mean?"
"Losing you has been hard. I wish there was more I could say without upsetting you. I know now's not the right time. But if you want this to be over, the trigger has to come from you. I don't have the balls to do it, and maybe that's not fair to you. But if there's a sliver of a chance –"
"Drew…Drew. No, I can't. I can't do this right now."
His gentle sigh was a little frustrated, but he relented. "I'm sorry. I'll let you get back to being a Mama. Take care of yourself, Frankie. I love you."