Chapter 36
T he door swung open, and I spread one arm wide.
"Happy birthday!" I squealed.
Instead of acknowledging me, Nellie surged forward and took Alani's car seat from my other hand. "There's my baby. Hi, sweetie. Aunty missed you so much."
I rolled my eyes. I was used to playing second fiddle to a younger, cuter version of myself.
"Hey, Mr Grant."
My dad came up behind me with a diaper bag slung over his shoulder. "Hey, kiddo. Happy birthday."
She beamed. "Thank you.”
"What time is everyone getting here?"
"Around seven. Thanks so much for helping me set up. I was too selfish to turn you down because I missed this little lady so much."
Alani stared up at Nellie, kicking her feet excitedly as she was lifted out of her seat and into her aunt's arms. I smoothed Alani’s hair down as she drooled onto her bib.
"You both should join us," she urged my dad.
He shook his head, looking fondly at Alani. "Nah, it'll be past Alani's sleep time. I don't want to mess up her routine too much."
My dad was staying at a nearby hotel for the night with my daughter, while I was going to have the night off to be an adult and talk about something other than poop and breast milk. At least for a few hours, anyway. I didn't want to spend a whole night away from Alani yet, but there was no way I was missing out on Nellie's birthday. She’d planned a fancy dinner party at her home, attended by her close friends and family.
And Drew was one of them.
They’d managed to sort their friendship out at a mutual friend's birthday party. She'd asked me if I was okay with her talking to him again, and I was. After all, I was still friends with Sene.
Nellie and Drew enjoyed a sibling-like relationship; one filled with good-natured jibes and jokes. Even though I appreciated Nellie having my back—as I knew she would—I was also a little sad to see her friendship with Drew deteriorate. She didn't see him that often now, only if Sene invited her out for a drink or a mutual friend's get-together. Or her birthday dinner.
"How do you feel about seeing Drew again?" Nellie eyed me curiously as she rocked Alani in her arms. My daughter had her tiny fist in her mouth, making soft cooing noises.
"Nervous," I confessed. "I haven't seen him since I was pregnant, so it's gonna be weird."
"Have you guys talked about the divorce?"
I shook my head and poked my head around to check where my dad was. Satisfied he was out of ear shot, I turned back to Nellie and quietly confessed about his gifts and our conversation when I’d called him. She didn't seem surprised.
She planted a soft kiss on the side of Alani's head. "Drew's still crazy about you. We don't talk about you,” she was quick to assure me, “except if he asks how you and Alani are. But the dude still wears his ring." She flicked her eyes briefly down to my bare fingers. I'd taken them off the morning I'd left Puerto Vallarta. There was no judgment in Nellie's eyes. "He gets this longing on his face when he talks about you."
I sighed tiredly as I reached up to stroke the downy softness of Alani's cheek. I was already nervous about seeing Drew, and now I was even more anxious.
"Do you still love him?"
"Yes," I honestly replied. "I mean, I try not to think about him, but when I do…yeah, there's still love there. But that doesn't mean that because I love him we're right for each other or that we should get back together. Too much has happened, and I don't just mean with the birth of this cutie."
Nellie grinned at Alani as my girl smacked her lips at me. "You're right. Even without this chubba wabba that man fucked up a lot." She turned soft eyes at me. "I won't tell you what to do, but at the very least, I hope you two can be friends in time."
Nellie turned and went about showing Alani around the living room. I wrinkled my nose at her last statement: Friends was not the word I’d use to describe Drew and I. I wasn't sure we could be just friends. It was safer to phase out this era of my life, as painful as it felt.
I made myself useful by setting the table and laying out small vases with flowers. I wore Alani in my baby carrier, and she was content playing a baby Joey while mama moved around; babbling at everyone in her babyish chatter.
I helped prep the starters and main before popping the chocolate mousse Nellie had made into the fridge to set in time for dessert. By the time I sat down for one last breastfeed with Alani, we still had an hour to go before guests arrived. After I fed her, dad would take her to the hotel before the party started. I’d planned it that way so Drew wouldn't see Alani. I didn't want to hurt him. I knew in my position that if Drew had a baby with Carly while we were separated, the pain would be unbearable. I couldn't even think about it.
As I was buttoning myself back up, I heard a knock on Nellie’s front door.
There was a murmuring of voices before my eyes widened in recognition. I stared down at Alani's sleeping face in panic.
Shit, shit, shit.
Nellie rushed into the room, her eyes just as wide. "I didn't know he would be here this early. I told him 7 PM."
"Shit."
He was in the hallway, so it was too late for me to sneak into the back room to hide. I didn't want to hide my daughter, but I wasn't sure how Drew would react. Did he know I would be here early? There was no other reason why he would come over before 7 PM. Maybe he thought it would just be me and not Alani, too.
I could hear my dad chatting to Drew, and I internally winced at what they could be talking about. Dad hadn't mentioned Drew much, and I suspected it was a lot to do with sadness at losing someone he called a son, as well as disappointment for what he’d done.
I didn't know whether he would respond to him harshly, whether he would punch him, or whether he would just have a quiet word of disappointment with him.
Soft footsteps padded down the hall and I stood just as Drew entered the living room. His brown eyes warmed when he saw me before shifting down and widening. He froze like a deer caught in headlights. My dad came into view behind him, wearing a cautious look, as if on standby to snatch Alani away if Drew dared to say a bad word.
I took in my ex-husband as he stood there gawking at the sleeping bundle in my arms. He looked good, as he always did. His hair was neatly styled, and he wore black jeans and a white Henley.
"Drew. I-I wasn't expecting you to be here this early."
He rubbed the back of his neck. "Yeah, I thought maybe it would alleviate the awkwardness if we met before everyone else came. I'm sorry, I-I didn't realize…" His gaze landed back on my daughter, still snoozing away.
"That's her?" His voice shook.
I nodded. "This is Alani. Drew, if I knew you would be here –"
"No, it's my fault for coming early."
Dad sent me a signal with his head before quietly walking away with Nellie to give us privacy.
He shuffled closer, his eyes locked on Alani.
"Can I - can I see her?"
I glanced down at Alani's sleeping face. I looked back at Drew, who hadn't taken his eyes off my daughter. My gut twisted with nervousness. "Of course."
He moved beside me, getting his first full view of Alani's face. His breath sucked in sharply. "Wow. Frankie, she's gorgeous," he breathed in genuine wonder.
"Thank you."
"She has your nose."
I hummed in agreement.
"What color are her eyes?"
"Difficult to tell at times. Sometimes they're light brown; other times, they're mixed with green. I reckon they'll settle on hazel."
He was silent for a moment, his pensive gaze never leaving Alani's face. I tried not to stare at him, but it was difficult to look away from the slideshow of emotions crossing over him. Wonder. Hurt. Awe. Pain.
"Can I hold her?"
My head reared back in shock, and my hold tightened briefly on Alani. "You really want to?"
He nodded slowly, his eyes coming back to mine to show how sincere he was. "I do. I'll be careful. I promise."
Carefully, I shifted my elbow where Alani's head was snuggled against; moving it closer to Drew. His body crowded me, and his clean, fresh scent and familiar aftershave evoked heated memories. I'd always loved the way he smelled.
I held my breath as his arm touched mine, attaching underneath and helping me slide Alani slowly out of my arms and into his. The transition was smooth, almost like he'd done it before.
Alani snuffled in her sleep, her little mouth opening and closing before she settled back peacefully. Once I was sure he had her firmly in his arms, I finally stepped back. His stare was intense and focused. His other large hand came up and stroked at one small arm before a long finger smoothed gently down the length of one chubby cheek.
He pulled his hand away, and that's when I heard a small sniff.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Frankie." His broken voice was barely audible, and he never once turned his haunted gaze away from Alani.
I walked back to them, leaning into him for comfort. I placed my hand on his back, and he turned to me. I stared up at him, and through our connection, we relayed everything we needed to say to each other. Regret. Sadness. Love.
The moment was overwhelming, so I didn't pull away when Drew's head descended. Our lips touched. It only lasted a second, and there was nothing sexual in the act. It was comfort, familiarity, and a love and history that would always bind us.
He sniffed again a few times before carefully handing her back to me. Once I had her securely, he moved away. "I'm just going to use the bathroom."
He retreated from the room quickly. I glanced down at Alani just in time to see her little brow frown.