Chapter 41
D rew's face was grave, yet hopeful. He’d made attempts to talk with me a few times, but I thought he'd given up after I kept shutting him down. Especially after Alani was born.
I licked my dry lips. "You want to talk?"
He nodded, and a red flush slanted his cheeks. "There's no pressure. Please don't think that you have to talk this out tonight, but," he shrugged. "I gotta take my chances when I get them. Lord knows I've blown all of them with you."
He watched me carefully as I took another sip of my tea, the warmth of the mug heating my stiff fingers. I didn't know what to say. Did I want to talk? Yes and no.
Yes, because I missed him; missed his voice and his presence.
And no, because…I strongly believed that the reality of what occurred in my marriage was far worse than what I’d conjured up in my mind.
Drew leaned forward. "I've learned that if I want to try and fix the mistakes I made in our marriage, I need to be the one to initiate the move. I need to be honest and lay it all out there. Don't wait for her to ask," he quoted.
That’s what I was afraid of. I’d willed him to be honest—while we were married. Now? I wasn’t sure I wanted to open up that can of worms.
My eyes flicked up to meet his. "Is that a line from one of your marriage books?"
His brow raised, his mouth curving upwards in a crooked, self-conscious grin. "You saw that, huh?"
"Considering the only books I've seen you read are menus, it certainly piqued my interest."
He bent to place his cup on the table in front of him. "Yeah, well, you were right. And before you ask me to specify; it's everything. You were right about everything."
His words pierced my heart, and I almost dropped my cup. I took another sip, using it as an excuse to hide my face. I wanted to close my ears to what he was building up to. It's too late. Too late.
Wasn't it?
Not realizing the turmoil he’d started within me, he pushed on. "But mainly the therapy. I wish I took it seriously. You were offering me a lifeline to fix our marriage when I'd already done enough to kill it. And instead of grabbing on and holding tight, I threw it back in your face. I made a joke out of that session and embarrassed you. I'm so sorry."
I should really tell him to stop before I threw my almost empty cup at him in anger. Memories of that afternoon besieged me, and I briefly allowed myself to remember how his indifference had felt.
Embarrassed. Shocked. Confused. Worried. Panicked.
And then he shoved the knife in further with his confession about Carly. And the separation.
Sometimes I wondered whether I’d made a mistake in booking that session. It had exposed Drew's complete insensitivity to what he’d put me through. His disregard for my feelings. If we hadn’t seen that therapist, would we have limped along before he eventually wised up?
No. I couldn't regret that day, as horrible as it had been. It needed to happen. I couldn't have gone on the way we were any longer.
"I looked up therapy sessions, and you're right," he continued. "They're fucking expensive for a decent therapist. Which made me feel even more shitty for treating our session that way," he added. "All my money went into storage units and this place's first four months of rent. I don't have much disposable income to spare, even though all I've been doing is coming home after work and microwaving meals."
I glanced up. "Are you not eating well? C'mon, Drew, you know how to cook. Those dinners aren't good for you to have all the time. They're full of sodium and nasty processed shit."
His eyes softened with sadness. "Ah, Frankie. Even when I've been a complete ass, you're still concerned for me."
I rolled my lips in, annoyed that I’d exposed the habit I was still learning to break.
When I didn't speak, Drew cleared his throat and carried on. "Anyway, I was walking by the library one day and decided to see if they had a self-help section. I signed up for a library card then and there and checked out as many books as my card would let me. The librarian side-eyed me the whole time."
My lips twitched at the image.
"Then Sene told me I could download an app that lets me check out books like a library. He also let me borrow his book account since he has a monthly membership. There’s also a lot of free resources on YouTube that I've been watching."
I blinked at him in stunned surprise. I hadn’t been expecting this. Even though I’d made it clear to him that we were done, that I planned on divorcing him, he was still doing all this work behind the scenes. "Wow. That's…wow." I didn’t know what else to say.
He leaned forward. "One of the things I learned about is honesty. Which sounds simple, right? But when trust is broken, the only way forward is to be completely transparent about everything."
My stomach clenched. I felt like a train moving towards a brick wall. Did I want to know?
"Don't wait for her to approach you or ask you questions,” he repeated, unaware of the trickle of terror that raged through my mind. “Don't drip feed anything, hoping they won't ask you follow-up questions or probe you for more information. Don't think that by leaving something out because you're scared it will hurt her, that you're doing her a favor. You're still lying by default."
I placed my cup down. I was done hiding behind it. What he just revealed rocked me to my core. He was certainly taking this seriously, but I couldn't help but wonder why he was doing this all now when our marriage would be coming to an end soon. I was also a little bitter that now he was willing to put in the hard work, and not when it mattered. "I don't know what to say. There's…just a lot to unpack."
"Can I start with Carly?"
My eyes closed, and my jaw pulsed until my teeth ached. If we were going to do this, then we might as well jump into the deep end. "Did you have an affair with her?" The question was ripped from my soul. They were the words that no spouse wanted to ask their partner.
Drew's breath shuddered, and my heart deflated. Still, he met my eyes unwaveringly. "If you asked me that a year ago, I would've said no. But knowing what I know now…I will say…yes."
I sucked in a pained breath, and my hand clutched at my stomach. His words pierced my soul. No amount of time apart could have prepared me for that.
"I had an emotional affair with her. Which is just as bad as a physical one. I shared things with Carly that I never shared with you. I talked to her about our marriage. I chose to go out with her most weekends instead of staying home and being with you. It didn't matter that I went out in a group; I used that as an excuse that I wasn't doing anything wrong because it wasn't just her and I."
"What things did you confide in her about? I already know that you told her you didn’t want kids." My eyes were trained on a spot over his shoulder. I could barely look at him.
"It was more about what I didn’t deny. Yes, I told her that I didn’t want kids—something I should never have revealed, something that I should’ve confided only to you."
A burning fury tore through me as I was reminded all over again. "What do you mean by 'what you didn’t deny?'"
He blew his breath out, his eyes tortured. But it was nothing compared to how I was feeling right now. Like he was betraying me all over again.
“She kept insinuating that we were having problems, that I was unhappy. Sh-she could sense that I was going through something in my marriage—hard not to when I was out with her more than I was home. I should’ve shut her down, made it clearer that it was none of her business. Instead, I listened to her…until she started to make sense. Or so I thought,” he added.
Tears burned my eyes as visions of Drew and Carly in her hotel room clouded my mind. I could picture them sitting side by side, her hand clutching his as she blinked puppy dog eyes up at him, feigning concern for his mental health over our marriage.
"I was under a lot of stress." He paused when I scoffed.
"You took a risk,” he continued. “You chased your dream, and I could see how happy you were. How fulfilled. I couldn't afford to provide us with our own home, and your dad offering to help us out felt like a failure on my part. You started talking more about kids, and I panicked, thinking I had time to still come around to the idea."
"Or you could've talked to me about how you felt." My tone was harsh and wrapped in bitter anger—justified, in my opinion.
"I wish I did; my first mistake. When I told Carly that you wanted kids, she assumed we’d already discussed the issue. I didn't correct her, especially when she told me she also didn't want kids. She was career-focused and wanted her freedom."
"What a great bonding moment for you two." The saccharine pitch was enough to shut the conversation down. I was sorely tempted to flip open my phone and call the nearest hotel. "You allowed her to talk shit about me, about our marriage." I accused.
"Yeah, I did. I'm so sor –"
His words cut off when I stood. I didn't know what to do with my pent-up anger. I wanted to storm off to the bedroom and slam the door behind me. Keeping Drew and his precious Carly on the other side forever. But this wasn't my home. And my daughter was fast asleep. With nowhere else to go, I paced in front of him.
"And that trip away?" I demanded to know.
"I was a coward. I knew you would have a huge problem with Carly being there, and at that time, I thought it wasn't a big deal. I couldn't see that she and I were becoming unprofessionally closer, more than friendly. I was pissed off at her for jumping into my video call with you."
I rolled my eyes. "'She knew what she was doing."
Surprisingly, he agreed. "Yeah, she did. Later that night, when I went up to her room…other people were supposed to be there. I'd told her I was having an early night, and she said the others were having pre-drinks in her room before they went to dinner. I should've left when she told me they weren't coming." His roughened tone was seeped in regret.
"You should've done a lot of things," I sharply chastised.
"The part I told you in the car after our therapy session was true. I can't deny that I almost kissed her. I pulled away and left immediately, but I should never have let it get that far. I could hear the alarm bells, but I ignored it."
"Did you have feelings for her? Do you have feelings for her?" Why was I asking him that? Did I really want to know?
"I found her attractive,” he admitted, stinging me further. “I considered how easy things were with her; it felt like I didn't have pressure on me. But any deeper feelings than that, no. If I had been stupid enough to take that next step with her, it would've fizzled out, and I would still be where I am now…missing my wife."
I ignored the pain in his voice. Good. I hoped he suffered with explicit images of Carlos and I. I wished I hadn't omitted all the times he'd made me come.
"Did you want to separate because you wanted to date her?"
"I separated out of guilt. Believe me when I tell you, I didn't want to do it. The amount of work I had to put in to fix our marriage seemed like too much of a struggle. The divide felt big. At that time ," he stressed.
"I felt guilty that I'd put you through all this shit, that I thought it was just easier to separate and give you space to unravel everything."
I finally stopped pacing and sat back down in a huff.
"Frankie, I regretted it as soon as I said it. But again, I stupidly thought the mess was too big."
"Why did you lie to me about dating her? That last time I spoke to you before I left for Mexico," I clarified.
"When we first separated, she asked me out. At first, I said no. I missed you so much that I couldn't even think about anything else. I never planned to follow through. And then you showed up at my work without me realizing and caught me lying about having lunch with Carly. I knew something had changed. Your voice sounded so defeated. I panicked, I called you, and when you blew me off…"
"It hurt your ego?"
He shook his head before hanging it in shame. "Yeah. The whole night was a shit show. I couldn't concentrate; I just kept thinking how much of a mistake this was. That I wished I was with you."
"I wanted you to come to Mexico with me. That's why I came to your workplace."
"I know. Nellie ripped me a new one when I came 'round to ask her when you'd be back. I hadn't heard from you in weeks, and it was driving me crazy." He glanced at me, his stricken eyes glassy. "I'm so sorry, Frankie. I would've gone with you. In a heartbeat. If I'd known you wanted to ask me, I would've flown straight to Mexico and searched for you."
"That day at your work…that was the beginning of the end for me," I revealed. "I went to Mexico knowing our marriage was over, knowing I didn't want to fight for you anymore. I couldn't be with someone who'd deceived me, who was still lying to me. Nothing you could've said or done would have persuaded me to give you another chance. Especially when you took her out on a date a few nights later."
I sent him an accusatory stare. "Did anything happen between you two?" I knew I had no right to ask. After all, I’d slept with Carlos. But I was still the wronged spouse. I deserved to know everything. That can of worms was wide open and everything was slithering out.
"She kissed me," he reluctantly confirmed. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply. "And for a few seconds, I let it happen before I pulled away and immediately told her that I loved you and wanted to make things work."
He shifted forward in his seat. "I know it's too late, but I've kept my distance from her. I only talk to her if it's work-related."
"So you don't want to date her at all?"
"No. She's been trying to retain contact, trying to get back to our banter, which I now realize was completely inappropriate for a married man. I'm not tempted that something physical or emotional will happen between us. I understand that I set a precedent with her that allowed her to think she had some sort of..."
" In with you," I bitterly finished.
He nodded slowly; regretfully. "I don't want to come across as some victim that was played by a female villain—because I'm not. I'm the married one, and I should've listened to you. I should've adhered to your concerns."
I opened my mouth to retort, but then I heard Alani stir. My keen mom ears would always be aware of her. "I can hear Alani. I have to check on her."
"Of course. But can we keep talking afterward? There's a lot more that we still need to unpack."
My head clashed with my heart. This was the Drew I knew. The Drew I married. Open, honest, and intimate. No hesitation when it came to sharing his thoughts and feelings with me. Towards the end of our marriage, the man he’d become was the complete antithesis of my Drew. The only thing that gave me hope and kept me holding on were the small glimpses of the man I’d fallen in love with…until those remnants also faded away.
I shook my head, and his face dropped. "You've put me through a lot tonight, Drew. Let me think about it and let you know."