Chapter 10 Benjamin
Ipace by the front door, ignoring the increasingly uncomfortable looks the butler keeps sending my way.
He doesn’t realize how important it is that I’m actually waiting here, because the moment Tennant comes through that door, I need him upstairs and away from Jude’s conference.
Not to mention, his emotions must be all over the place—whether it’ll be obvious to anyone else or not.
Fuck. I thought losing the original Heads of the Families was hard.
This…this is brutal. My best friend. Fuck.
Who I haven’t been there for lately. Also, Roman…
damn. I didn’t realize he’d snuck into my heart as much as he has.
And now Hollis? The glue that holds us all together?
I…I can’t imagine what will be going through my love’s head.
I finally get it, and damn is this a hard way to fucking learn.
The door opens and my breath hitches. Guards flood in first before Keegan and Marcus, who immediately head toward the medical suite—likely to find Carter.
I’m not quite sure what’s going on between those three, but I wish them luck.
And finally…finally Tennant walks in, though, I hold back a wince at how it’s almost a stumble instead of his usual confident strides.
My heart quakes as I stare at the man in front of me.
His eyes…it’s not the monster I see burning behind them, but instead, a man full of desperation.
I swallow, unsure if my plan will still work, but fuck, I have to try something.
Anything. My Nocciola deserves it, and so much more…
Stepping forward, I slowly slide my hand into Tennant’s, worried about spooking him.
Considering the way he stares at me unseeingly, caution is likely the best way to proceed.
I gently tug him upstairs, and he follows without a word.
That’s not the man I know. He may often seem quiet, but he isn’t truly.
He speaks when something needs to be said, but in this case, even though I can feel the words rolling off him, he doesn’t voice any.
I tug him into my room, and although he enters, he stops near the door, refusing to come in further. Dropping my hand, he shakes his head, stumbling backwards. My soul cries out for him, but he’s so far lost in his own head, I’m not sure how to reach him.
With a hoarse voice, he says, “Hollis.”
For a moment, pain pierces me, but I shake it off. “He’s resting. Doc won’t allow anyone near him right now. I’m sorry. I…didn’t do enough.”
He snorts, roughly running his fingers through his hair, almost pulling out strands of it. “You didn’t do enough? I’m the one who lost Roman and Lio. It was on me to protect them. I was right there and yet they were still taken!”
I flinch, the words aren’t loud, but the impact…fuck. Steeling myself, I turn and grasp the knife I had put on the bed earlier. Walking over, I offer it to him.
“What?” His gaze flicks from the knife to my face. Even without a full question, I know what he’s asking.
“Use it. Use me. Let it out. I know you’re scared. I am too. I know how it feels.”
Tennant snorts. “You know nothing. You’ve been jealous of them. You’re not the one who fucking lost them. I…”
“You love them. You don’t have to say it.
And yeah, I struggled with jealousy. But…
they complete you. I get it now. How can I not cherish what makes you the man I love?
You feel guilty for not protecting them, even though you did everything you could.
I understand guilt. I…wasn’t a good enough friend to Lio, and I didn’t give Roman enough of a chance.
But that fear and guilt? That’s not going to help.
” I pause, reaching up to touch Tennant’s cheek, stroking it and the rough stubble.
“So, use me. Channel those feelings. That way, you can let it go. And we can get our men back.”
I offer him the knife again, and this time, he takes it.
I strip my shirt off, ready for whatever he wants to give me.
He can have every inch of me, he can mark me however he wants, because what I feel for him…
it’s far more than skin deep. It’s branded on my soul, on my heart, and life… life without him is unimaginable.
He touches the tip of the knife to my chest, pressing in just enough for it to sting.
I hiss at it, but stay still. Those blue eyes of his…
they’re like a stormy sea right now, as everything churns inside him.
I’m captivated by them, by him, and will lay down whatever I need to if it’ll help bring him back from the abyss.
Suddenly, he wrenches himself away, sneering at me in disgust. “So this is about guilt. You want me to hurt you to take it away. Fuck that. I'm not letting you use me to harm yourself.”
Growling, I step forward. “Dammit! That’s not what I’m doing!”
“Are you sure? Are you sure you’re not looking for some sort of penance through blood? I’ve watched Hollis struggle with his demons. Fuck you, Benjamin, if you think I’m going to bleed you to alleviate your guilt.”
Tennant turns around, storming toward the door, and I scramble after him. The whole world may as well be crashing down right now. The man I love is rushing away, and I know if I let him leave, he’ll be lost to me forever.
I yank at his arm, forcing him to stop, even though I know he could outmaneuver me. “Nocciola, please. Please, stop and listen to me. That’s not what I meant at all. I…fuck. I love you. So much. And all I want is to help. Please, don’t push me away. Not now.”
With an audible growl, he clenches his hands into fists, including the one around the knife.
I’m not making this easy for him, but fuck, I need him to get through this.
He whirls around, his arms outstretched in frustration.
I stare in horror, as he doesn’t realize I’m so close, but there’s nothing I can do to stop the knife he’s holding from sliding right into me.
I grunt from the fiery pain, the shock of it, and I lift my hands to his wrist as I tumble back.
He follows me, and for a moment, I think he’s going to stab me again, as the anger in his eyes is still so vivid. But suddenly, he stares down in horror as I fall back against the bed, my hands slipping from him. I can feel the rivulets of blood, and the waves of pain that are overwhelming me.
“Fuck,” he whispers as he lets go, and I whimper, wanting the connection, even if it’s only his hands on the knife.
He rustles around for something, but I close my eyes, my focus stolen as more agony chases me.
“Doc! Get up here! Benjamin’s room… It’s…
bad. Fuck. You have to save him….You think I don’t know that? ! Just get up here!”
I blink, my eyes watering, and I lift my hand weakly, catching Tennant’s attention. He drops the phone, grasping my hand tightly. “Topolino, hold on. Please. I…need you. You can’t go. I’m…fuck, I’m sorry. Just stay with me.”
“Love you,” I murmur as things become blurry, blackness eating at the edges of my vision. “No…matter…what.”
“Stop that. You will live. You can’t leave me, Topolino. I…I won’t survive it.” I can’t see him anymore, but the thick words from him tear at me.
I want to reassure him that of course I’ll live. My very heart beats for him, but coldness is seeping inside me, and I don’t want to lie. Taking a rattling breath, I push out the last words I can manage. “Always. Yours. Al—”
I try more, but that inky blackness finally wins, and I can only hope that he knows, no matter what, that I love him. I’d forgive him anything, even my own death. Please, if there’s a god, watch over my Nocciola, especially if I can’t…