Chapter 32 Cristian #2
“I’m not finished.” His lips thin and he’s silent for a moment before he continues.
“My father taught me all he knew once I killed Julian. I learned from my psychotic brother when he had me, because even though he did his best to get me to hate my life and myself, I was watching, paying attention to his movements, waiting for the day I could take him down. And then I met you, and I learned so much just by being at your side. I learned what it feels like to love, how to be a father, and what type of Boss I am.” He sighs and looks down, before meeting my gaze once more.
“I am a Boss. Until my nephew decides to take up his birthright, or my heir is old enough to take over, I will sit on the Council and lead with my fellow Bosses. Nothing you say or do will change that. I refuse to go back in the box you shoved me in.”
I gasp, feeling my heart crack all over again. “Is that what you think?”
He shakes his head. “That’s what I know. When I handed you the keys to the De Lucas…you shoved me in a corner and kept me there.”
“You asked me to take over!” I hiss. “You cannot accuse me of doing wrong when I did exactly what you wanted.”
“No!” He pulls his hand from mine. “I gave you the De Lucas because I trusted you with them. Until Leandro decided what he wanted to do, or Roman took over. But what I didn’t expect was for you to shove me into the place of your husband and fucking leave me there.
Mafia spouse,” he spits the words. “It’s a joke of a title that means nothing.
I worked my ass off for my position, to become the best guard I could for Roman, to be an asset for you.
“I had done everything I could to be useful to my family, and you? I don’t think you’ve ever forgotten the man you almost killed in that room seven years ago.”
“That’s not true,” I argue, but it’s weak, my voice isn’t any louder than a whisper.
“Are you sure? You’ve apologized, and we said we were moving on, moving forward stronger together. But I don’t think we ever really left that room, Cris. We tried…fucking hell did we try. We gave each other second chances…but maybe we shouldn’t have.”
“No!” The word almost gets stuck in my throat.
Tears burn the back of my eyes, but I blink them away.
“Carter…” I reach for him and he lets me once more.
Tears fall across his cheeks, and he lets out a sob that shakes his entire body.
I hold him close. “This can’t be the end, Amore Mio. We are stronger than this.”
He shakes his head. “I’m not. I know what it’s like to stand on my own two feet now.
I know how strong I am as Boss and a man.
As a father.” He pulls back to look at me, and fresh tears fall from his eyes when our gazes meet.
“I know what it’s like to be loved unconditionally.
To have someone who will follow me to the ends of the earth, simply because they want me. ”
“I want you.”
“I know,” he whispers. “I want you too, but…I can’t have you. Not anymore. I need someone who will respect me, Cris. Who listens to what I say and don’t say. Who will always push me to do better, because they believe in me. You gave me what I wanted, yes, but on your terms.”
“If you would have said…”
“I want to believe that, I do. But, Cris, would that have changed anything? Could you have relinquished complete control and let me rule my Family as I saw fit? Or would you have tried to help?”
I swallow, unsure how to answer, and he smiles sadly.
“Right. It’s okay. You are who you are, and I love you for that, but I need more.
This Council that Lio, Roman, and I are building?
It is a true partnership of equals. We aren’t three Families under one rule, we are truly one.
We trust each other, and the people under us.
We are going to bring this world to its knees, and I want you to be part of it.
To be part of Roman’s life, no matter what he says—we both know he’s a stubborn little shit, and can hold onto his anger. ”
“But you don’t want me to be a part of your life?”
“No.” Carter smooths his hand across my cheek. “I’ve found where I’m meant to be. The family I’m meant to have. And so have you.”
I shake my head. “I’m not in love with Allesandro.”
He smiles softly. “You are, you just don’t want to be. It’s okay to love him, Cris. To be with him. I don’t agree with what he did. I want to fucking kill him for hurting Lio, but that might be the dad in me talking.” He laughs a little. “Roman said I should ‘dad’ Emilio.”
“You’re good at it. Far better than I am.”
“Roman loves you. He wouldn’t be so hurt by what you did if he didn’t. You need to make it up to him.”
“I know. Once he’s back, I will.”
I get another watery smile. “Good.”
“Is this really the end, Carter?”
He takes a shaky breath. “Yeah, it is. I love Marcus and Keegan. I love Cole. I…I need to talk to them about it, but I want to make Cole my heir. Roman has the Amatos, and while I’m keeping the name, I am the De Luca Boss. I need someone, aside from Leandro and Roman, to leave my legacy to.”
“You really love them.”
“I do. I didn’t mean to. But, much like with Roman, I fell for Cole the second I saw him.
He’s so fucking sweet, smart, and funny, and I want to help raise him.
I…still need to talk to Roman about it all.
I don’t want to hurt him, or make him think I’m replacing him, but I want to see where things go between Marcus, Keegan, and I.
They…they feel like mine, Cris. I can close my eyes and sleep soundly, even with my son missing, because I know they’re going to take care of things when I can’t. I won’t live without them—I can’t.”
It becomes hard to breathe. Words swirl in my head, but they get stuck in my throat. My heart is pounding so hard I wouldn’t be surprised if Carter could hear it.
“I…I don’t know what to do without you, Caro.”
“Live, Cris. You can live and love. Give Allesandro a chance, a real chance. Once this is all over and we have Roman and Lio back. I want to see you happy, I do. I just…I can’t give you a third chance. Not if I want to do more than just live in your shadow.”
“I… Fuck, Carter.”
“I know. I know.” He places a hand over my heart. “It hurts so fucking much, but…you gave me the greatest gift I ever could have asked for, and I can never repay you for that.”
“You don’t have to. Roman is just as much your son as he is mine.”
He lets out a shaky breath. “Thank you.”
Leaning in, he kisses me. I lose the battle with my tears.
It’s a bittersweet kiss. I try to soak up everything I can: the way he feels in my arms, the taste of him, the comfort and solace I’ve only ever found in him…
Until the kidnapping. Until Allesandro. Until I destroyed my light in the dark with a few cruel words.
Maybe he’s right. Maybe our problems go back to the past decade, when he entered my life under false pretenses.
Does it even matter anymore? I still would have made the same choices.
I would have kissed Allesandro that day in my office, I would have hurt Ignacio to protect my pride and my son’s dignity.
I would have tried to give Carter the world, even if it meant putting him in a gilded cage he never asked for.
Carter Amato brought me to my knees the first time we kissed ten years ago, and so it’s only fitting our relationship ends with a kiss that does the same.
When he finally breaks the kiss, he wipes the tears from my cheeks and says, “I’ve already been in touch with Sinclair. His team will…will be putting together a list for us about how to make this as painless as possible.”
“We don’t legally—”
“Yes, we do,” he whispers. “I want more children, Cris. I want a family with them. It wouldn’t be right to still be married to you when that happens.”
Fuck.
“Don’t shut me out, Carter. I need to help with the plans for saving Roman.”
“Remember, it’s not just Roman. I know that’s your priority, it’s what makes you a good father. But Lio and Roman mean the world to everyone here, so don’t piss them off too much with your short-sightedness.”
I huff. “I’ll work on it.”
He pulls out of my arms. “I’ll always love you, Cris. You’re the father of my son, and you’ll always be special to me.”
“I love you, Carter.”
He goes to sit on his bed.
Swallowing around the lump in my throat, I watch him for a few more minutes, until I can’t ignore the inevitable any longer.
On unsteady feet, I head to the door, placing my hand on the doorknob. I take a breath, and then another one, before leaving the room.
Keegan is waiting in the hall, just as he said he would be. The sight of him shatters me, and I stagger away from Carter’s door. Keegan pushes away from the wall he was leaning against, and I stop him with a hand on his arm. He pulls away and stares at me impassively.
“Take care of him, please,” I ask in a broken voice.
“Don’t worry,” he says coldly. “He’ll never not know he’s loved.”
He leaves me standing in the hall as he goes into Carter’s room, shutting the door firmly behind him.
Between one breath and the next, I find myself on the floor, my legs unable to hold me up anymore as my world crumbles around me.