Chapter 12
TWELVE
JOSH
The smoke alarm was silenced by Jax, who dragged a chair across the room and stepped up on it to disable the screeching thing. David opened the back door to let the dogs and the smoke out. I turned and pulled the bacon off the burner and shut the stove off.
And then suddenly everything was quiet.
And awkward.
I looked at Jax and kicked myself for not realizing he and David were related.
I’d thought David looked familiar but just chalked it up to him having one of those faces.
I didn’t look at David because I couldn’t yet.
I hadn’t meant to leave out that part of my job description.
Even though I’d been open about everything else.
I hadn’t filmed a scene in over half a year, though.
So maybe I didn’t feel like it was currently important.
My stomach clenched, feeling heavy and slick, like it was filled with tar. “I’m—shirt. I’m going to put on a shirt.”
I made a hasty exit down the hallway, dipping into the safety of David’s room. I didn’t breathe again until the door clicked shut behind me. Leaning against it, I gulped in a few deep breaths to try and steady myself.
Jax was David’s son.
I’d had sex with Jax.
Not recently. Not in years. But we’d…
And now I’d had sex with David. His father.
Holy shit. Was there a level in hell for people who accidentally fucked people who were related to each other?
Was it incest by proxy? I raked my hands through my hair and sucked in another breath, waiting until my lungs couldn’t expand anymore before stopping and holding it.
The scream I wanted to let loose was lodged in my throat, hot like coal.
I kicked David’s pants off and fought to get back into my own clothes.
My fingers were clumsy, and I fumbled for far longer than I’d wanted to, trying to do up my pants.
After I’d struggled into my shirt, I decided that I couldn’t hide in here forever.
David and Jax should have had enough time to…
to what? How did one address the fact that father and son had fucked the same person?
Before my brain could start to draw comparisons, I shut that idea down. Locked it down in a steel box and threw it in the Marianas trench. And then I went back out to the kitchen to face the music.
David was frying new bacon like nothing happened. Jax was leaning against the counter sipping a cup of coffee. Neither man looked particularly upset by the revelation.
“I—uh—” I stammered, unable to string together a coherent thought.
“You need to sit down and have a coffee, River.” Jax carried a cup over to the table.
“I should go.” The words tumbled out on their own. It seemed like the logical thing to offer, but the frown David shot me proved that maybe I was wrong.
“You should stay.”
“If anyone gets to leave, it’s me.” Jax dropped down into a chair at the kitchen table and with his foot pushed out another one. Clearly he intended for me to sit.
“I don’t even know what to say.” My voice croaked as I tried not to let my misery loose.
It figured that I’d found someone I genuinely wanted to spend time with, and I couldn’t have him.
I’d fucked shit up for sure. I should have told him what I did.
Used to do. Still did sometimes. David had been every bit as amazing as Jax always said he was.
“I do.” Jax leaned back in his chair and he pinned me in place with a serious look. I felt like a butterfly, spread open and stuck in place, unable to move. Jax stared at me until I shifted, clearly uncomfortable.
David, so far, hadn’t said anything. His focus seemed to be on the breakfast he was cooking.
But I could tell he was paying attention by the way he’d turn slightly when one of us spoke.
The glances we were stealing of each other were two ships passing in the night.
I’d look at him and he’d look away, only for that to reverse when he looked back at me and my gaze would automatically avert.
“What do you have to say?” The question had to be forced out of me. I pushed it, kicking and screaming inside the whole time.
Jax took a sip of his coffee, then met my gaze.
“My dad has done everything for me. He’s always been my champion.
Anything I wanted to do, he’s always supported me.
Including my career. While he may not watch my work, for obvious reasons, he’s still my number one fan.
” Jax leaned closer, his gaze burrowed into mine.
“I’m going to tell you the same thing I told Romeo over there.
I don’t care. I don’t care that we’ve had sex.
I don’t care what the two of you did last night or whenever else.
I don’t care.” Jax leaned back and tipped his coffee cup up, draining it.
Stupefied, I watched as Jax stood and crossed the room. He snatched a piece of bacon off the plate. “Next time, I’ll call first.” He nodded at me, clapped his dad on the shoulder, and made his way toward the front door.
“Hey, kid?” David called out, continuing without waiting for an answer. “We’ll have lunch tomorrow. My treat.”
“Damn right it’s your treat.” Jax laughed and then the door shut, and David and I were alone again.
The intimate bubble we’d created had not only popped, but it had been thoroughly destroyed. Knocked down, burned to a crisp, and the ashes scattered.
“David? Are you okay?”
He turned and presented two plates. I’d been wrapped up in my panic and my conversation with Jax—which had gone oddly well—and hadn’t noticed that David had cooked eggs to go with the bacon. The yolks looked like they’d be delightfully runny.
Unsure if I had an appetite or not, I picked up a slice of bacon anyway. It gave me something to do with my mouth and my hands.
“You make adult films,” David stated, sounding neither angry or disgusted. There was a quiet sort of curiosity there. His statement was gentle, not a judgment. Just a fact he’d learned and probably wanted to know more about.
“I do. I have for a lot of years actually. Even pre-transition. It’s how I paid for a lot of things.”
That wasn’t even why it started, though. Money had been necessary, of course, but it was hard to explain and I wasn’t sure how much David wanted to know.
“And you’ve worked with Jax?” Now David looked nervous. He stabbed a yolk with a piece of bacon, and I watched the yellow substance ooze out.
“Not often and not for a long time. I do edit a lot of his stuff though. I didn’t lie about that.
I edit films, and I’ve started to take an interest in directing.
Lukas is giving me a little room to play more as time goes on.
Sorry.” I stopped abruptly, closing my mouth so hard my teeth clacked together. “You didn’t ask for all that.”
A weird silence stretched between us. It was like we both had so much to say that neither of us knew where to start. All the joy of the morning had been sucked out of the room, and it felt like whatever I had with him was now dead in the water.
I’d fucked his son.
I’d withheld the truth of my career from him.
I’d fucked his son.
I’d had fucking sex with his son, and it was on the internet for anyone to see.
“I should have told you.” The words caught and broke, though I tried my best to keep it together.
David surprised me by looking up at me and offering me a smile.
It was weak, tentative, not quite a real smile, but it was something.
“I’ve been sitting here trying to think if I ever even used his name.
There can’t be too many Jax’s hanging around.
He’s given me shit in the past for reducing him to ‘my son’ and not using his name. And I guess now I know why it matters.”
“What a pair we make.” I sighed and cut my eggs into pieces with my fork. I wasn’t hungry, but for the sake of not having to say anything, I popped a bit of egg into my mouth and chewed it slowly.
“Are you mad?” I set my fork down and folded my hands in my lap. Mostly to stop myself from reaching for him. I didn’t feel I had a right to even want that now.
It took a minute for him to respond, but he shook his head. Though I didn’t feel the rush of a weight lifting off my shoulders. My stomach stayed clenched.
“I’m not mad. We barely know each other.”
David trailed off and it took me a minute to understand why.
“Josh. I still like to be called Josh. River is the name I chose to use for creating content before I transitioned.”
David nodded. “River is your stage name.”
I almost hated how he said everything without sounding judgmental. It would have been easier and less awkward if he’d have yelled or something. If he’d called me names and thrown me out, at least I would know for sure where we stood.
“Yeah, it is,” I confirmed. I wasn’t River with him. I wasn’t some sort of made-up personality who would do things that I didn’t mind, but didn’t enjoy, all for the sake of a shot.
David had shown me the kind of pleasure I deserved. Enthusiasm. To him I wasn’t a job or a box on a list that someone wanted to check off. I was someone he’d seemed genuinely interested in. Enthusiastically, even, if last night was anything to go by.
And now… I could barely look at him.
“I should go,” I said, standing up. My keys and my wallet were still in my pockets so all I had to do was grab my dog and go. I went out the back door—it was still open, letting the last of the smoke dissipate. I thought for sure David would let me leave without a word, but he followed me outside.
“You don’t have to go,” he told me. We stood shoulder to shoulder, watching Wally and Nitro horse around in the grass, quietly growling and wrestling.
“I should. I think we both could use some space, you know.” I glanced over at him, trying to get a read on his expression without getting caught.
I called Nitro over to me, and Wally came too, hot on his heels.
Scooping Nitro up into my arms, I used him as a buffer, and I finally turned to face David.
“I’ll call you,” he said. “Or you can call me. Whenever. Day or night.”
David moved to kiss me, ignoring Nitro, panting in my arms. I wasn’t strong enough to let him and I dodged, kissing his cheek instead.
I couldn’t let myself kiss him because I wouldn’t want to stop and there was no way we could keep going.
There was no way he’d want to. He’d probably text a couple of times and then remember that I’d fucked his son once upon a time, and that’s the last I would hear from him.
Eventually, he’d erase me from his memory.
I’d always remember him and the way he touched me, kissed me, fucked me. The way he’d felt snuggled up against me, falling asleep in seconds and leaving me alone to bask in the comfort of his embrace. If I were lucky, I’d hear about him through Jax from time to time.
Fuck my whole entire life.