Chapter 13
THIRTEEN
DAVID
Tidying my kitchen was easier than trying to sort through the mess my head was in.
Josh was River, someone Jax had mentioned to me more than once.
Jax had a lot of friends in the industry, practically everyone he came in contact with.
I’d have liked to take more credit than I deserved for how he turned out, but Jax had always been an easy guy to like.
Even as a kid, he was never short on friends.
Had I bothered to meet his friends, I wouldn’t have been put in this position. Then again, were Jax and Josh—River—Josh? The dual identities made my head hurt, and I decided right then that, to me, he was Josh. That’s how he’d introduced himself. That’s how he’d meant to carry on with me.
It was possible that he wasn’t ever going to tell me about that part of his life, but I didn’t think so.
Josh told me other, deeply personal things, so it was hard to believe that he’d planned to keep this from me forever.
Maybe I was a fool. A lonely old man who was all too eager to give his young lover the benefit of the doubt.
I mulled this over while I set my kitchen to rights, the scent of burnt bacon still hanging in the air. The events of the morning had given me a lot to think about, and I couldn’t do it standing around my kitchen, feeling lost. Wally paced around the room, his nails clicking softly on the floor.
Making up my mind to get out of the house and get some fresh air, I slipped into the bedroom, hating and loving that it still smelled like us.
I didn’t want to linger, though, and I made quick work of dressing in jeans and an old t-shirt.
Once Wally’s leash was clipped to his collar and my shoes were on, I left the house.
I drove to my favorite diner, a little family run place with killer waffles.
I just wanted a coffee this morning, something to drink while I walked Wally.
Leaving him in the vehicle, I dipped inside.
The diner was busy, as usual, and I walked straight up to the counter where Ethan ran things for the moment as his servers buzzed around the room.
“David, long time no see. Take a seat. Do you want a menu?” Ethan was another single dad, but he’d had his hands full with three boys. Our paths had crossed from time to time over the years. We weren’t close, but we were friendly.
“No, just a coffee to go. I have my dog in the car so I can’t stay.”
Ethan grabbed a to-go cup and filled it most of the way with coffee, leaving room for me to add cream and sugar if I wanted. “You got a dog? Do you have pictures?”
He slid the coffee across the counter, and I passed him a bill.
“You can keep the change. But, yeah, I haven’t had him long. He’s a rescue.”
“Do you have pictures?” Ethan asked again, his eyes lighting up.
“Of course I have pictures.” I pulled my phone out, stomach sinking at the lack of messages from Josh or Jax, but I shoved that feeling aside and opened my camera roll.
“This is Wally. He’s probably four or five, the vet guesses.
He was a rescue from a rescue, if you can believe it.
One of those backyard places that mean well, but before they know it, they’ve bitten off more than they can chew. ”
“He’s cute. What kind of dog is he?”
“A mix of terriers, I think. Unless I want to pay for a doggy DNA test, that’s all I know.”
“Well, he’s cute as hell, whatever he is. Tell him I said so. I’d go out and see him, but this place is madness today.” Ethan shot me an apologetic smile and excused himself to deal with a new arrival.
I grabbed my coffee and headed back to my car where Wally waited patiently.
Tossing my phone in the cupholder, irrationally angry that the device was as silent as a grave, I drove around in circles for a while.
I should have known where I’d end up and after almost half an hour, I pulled up at the local dog park.
Wally’s tail started going at a million miles an hour, wagging so fast it was almost a blur.
If he hadn’t been with me, I might have ended up at the botanical gardens again, but there was only so much punishment one person could take.
I let Wally off leash once we were inside and it became clear almost right away that he was looking for his friend. Or maybe I was projecting my own feelings onto Wally, who might have just been sniffing for the perfect patch of grass to relieve himself on.
“Sorry, pal, not today. We’re just here to enjoy the fresh air.” And because I was having some sort of crisis where the guy I’d started seeing, the guy I really fucking liked, had turned out to be a porn star who’d filmed with my son. I still hadn’t decided if either of those things bothered me.
Thunder rolled in the distance and prompted my gaze to lift up toward the sky. Mood, mother nature. Big fucking mood.
The few people who were already in the dog park when I arrived heard the thunder, saw the approaching bank of black clouds, and hightailed it toward their cars. Not Wally and me. We stayed, roaming the perimeter together.
“I know I should care that he didn’t tell me all the details about his job,” I told Wally because I needed to get it out there, in the open.
I needed to think my thoughts out loud and mull them over properly.
They felt too fragmented otherwise. Saying them out loud made them tangible.
They were something solid that my brain could hold on to.
Wally sniffed the air, unaffected by my conundrum.
“I know what Jax does for a living. I’ve always known and I don’t hold it against him, so why would I hold it against anyone else?”
Wally brought his nose down to the dirt and seemed to pick up the scent of something interesting. I followed him over the closely cropped grass.
When Jax had first come to me with the news that he’d stepped into the adult industry, I was worried about him.
But the more I learned, the less I worried.
Jax took steps to protect himself, something he was serious about.
The industry also had guidelines about that kind of thing, and he walked me through them.
Hell, those conversations were a large factor in me taking my own sexual health more seriously.
But could I imagine having my partner go off to work, knowing it would involve having sex with another person? I thought about Josh and faceless men with their hands all over him, and I waited for the jealousy to rear its ugly head.
Nothing.
Not a twinge in my jaw or an ache in my gut. Maybe it would be different if it was something I’d have to actively deal with instead of a hypothetical. Sometimes we didn’t know how we’d react until we were in the situation.
Besides, Josh had told me he edited film. I could have pressed and maybe he’d have told me then. Or maybe he’d have told me after breakfast. Or next week.
Or never. Maybe I had overestimated my importance to him.
We’d only known each other a short time.
The reality was that we were still mostly a mystery to each other.
Josh’s job was just one thing I didn’t know about him, and there was plenty he didn’t know about me.
Not that any of my secrets were half as interesting as his.
Josh had a whole other life. A whole other identity.
The black clouds rolled in and rain started to come down, drop by fat drop. That was our cue to head back to the car. Wally eagerly trotted next to me, stopping to shake his fur when the rain picked up.
Safely in the car, my head was no clearer than when I’d left the house. Was I running away from my own home? Probably, but I’d needed air. I’d felt claustrophobic there, surrounded by the scent of burning bacon and the memory of Josh pressed against me.
This morning had gone to shit so fast I’d barely had time to think about last night.
Being with Josh… calling it good would have been a gross understatement.
It was… transcendental. He was a generous lover.
And skilled. My face grew hot at the memory of him under that fucking willow tree.
I shifted around in the driver’s seat, my jeans tightening.
Glancing down at my cock, I scoffed. “Of course your mind is easily made up. Like it’s that easy.”
But why couldn’t it be? I was attracted to Josh.
That hadn’t diminished at all. And last night, he seemed pretty attracted to me.
Whenever Jax had talked about Josh—River—he’d always spoken of him in a strictly friends context, and after having seen the way my son mooned over and doted on Asher and Blue, it was safe to say I’d have known if he’d had some sort of feelings for River.
He’d even assured me this morning that yeah, it was a little shocking, and maybe a degree or two on the weird-o-meter, but nothing that bothered him. He then waggled his eyebrows and proclaimed he is pretty hot, though.
My hands shook when I finally made the decision to call Josh. My phone had been silent all day and rather than be annoyed by it, it gave me hope that maybe he hadn’t yet written me off completely.
It went to voicemail, which I almost expected, but suddenly I was school-kid-shy again, stammering and tripping over myself when faced with talking to someone I liked.
“Hey, Josh, I—Uh… Shit. Okay. I’m just going to come out and say it. I like you. I had a great time with you, and I’d like to keep seeing you. I don’t really care about your job or your history. I’m not mad that you didn’t tell me, if you were worried about that. I just—I like you.”
I winced, realizing I’d already said that and was now repeating myself. I changed hands, holding my phone with the other one so I could wipe my sweaty palm on my jeans. “Have dinner with me again. Name the time and place, and I’ll be there.”
I ended the call, leaving the ball in his court. All I could do was reach out and now that it was done, I felt lighter and more settled. Taking a deep breath, I told myself that he’d call me back. I couldn’t imagine any other possibility.