Chapter 24
The hospital was a blur of doctors and nurses talking to each other in French, then speaking to me in English. Not that I remembered any of what they said. I kept thinking of my last memory. Paddling out for bigger waves, then getting stuck in the rip current.
And then in between doctors, and nurses, and tests, it came back to me.
Gabriel. The anniversary of his death on the same day as my near drowning.
Part of me hoped that Felix wouldn’t find out, but the campsite wasn’t a big place, and after what had happened, I didn’t think there was any chance of it staying quiet.
Eventually the doctors said I could go home that evening if I remained stable.
Which I did.
Mum, Dad, Rue and Wren took me home, and I spent the next day at the mobile home with someone constantly at my side.
If it wasn’t Mum bringing me croissants and reading me the paper, it was Dad showing me something on YouTube, or Rue and Wren making me watch their cartoons.
But it was nice. My muscles still ached, and there was a tightness in my chest, but it was slowly getting better.
‘Felix came over to see if you were OK,’ Mum said later that morning.
‘Oh, that’s nice. Did anyone else come? Delphine or …’ Antoine.
‘Just Felix,’ Mum said. I tried to hide the empty feeling of disappointment that filled my gut from showing on my face when Mum didn’t add another name.
‘I asked him if he wanted to see you, but he said he was in a rush. He seemed quite upset.’
My stomach sank, and my heart ached for him.
‘What do you mean, how did he seem upset?’ I asked.
Mum looked up to the ceiling like it would help her remember. ‘Oh, I’m not sure. He was talking very quickly. He said that the water was wrong that morning. That the current was pulling north. But he was rambling, and his English was mixed up with French.’
I sat up. Desperate to know more. ‘Did he say anything else?’
Mum shook her head. ‘He just said he was glad you were OK and that he had to go.’
He saw the water that day. Had he been on the cliff? On the beach? Had he been the one who dragged me from the water?
Breath caught in my throat and Mum put her hand on my shoulder. ‘Margot, are you OK?’
‘I’m OK,’ I assured her. But I needed to know.
That night, after Rue and Wren went to bed, Mum and Dad sat down either side of me.
‘I think we can all agree, no more surfing,’ Dad said, as if it was something obvious. He took a sip from a glass of whiskey, which he only drank when he was stressed.
‘What?’ I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.
And I don’t know why I had such a strong reaction. The thought of getting back in the water right then was terrifying. But something boiled up inside me and came out of my mouth before I could even think about it. ‘No!’
It was like it was just at that moment that I realized what it meant to me.
This wasn’t just a holiday activity – it was so much more than that.
For the first time I really understood it.
The ocean. How powerful it was. And the surfing gave me something that I hadn’t felt in a really long time. Like I was finding myself again.
‘We can talk about it tomorrow,’ Mum suggested.
And it would probably have been a good idea, because I was so tired. My body ached, my eyelids were heavy and my throat was sore, but this had woken me up, and I wasn’t about to go to sleep without making my point.
Dad shook his head and took another sip of his whiskey. ‘Margot, you almost died.’
‘But I didn’t. Dad, you’re the one who taught me that water isn’t something to fear, you’re not taking that away from me.’ I felt my jaw clench, and I didn’t look away when he turned to me, so he knew how much I meant it.
But he didn’t say anything, so I just got up and went to bed. But before I went to sleep, I sent a message to Priya.
ME: Hey … I need to tell you something …
PRIYA: Ominous …
ME: I kind of nearly drowned yesterday …
PRIYA: WHAT? Are you OK? What happened?
ME: I’m fine now, but it was pretty scary. I was out surfing and got caught in a rip current.
PRIYA: Jesus, you could have died!
ME: Yeah … my parents are freaking out
PRIYA: I’m not surprised!!
ME: They want me to stop surfing. Like forever
PRIYA: Can you blame them?
ME: I mean I get it … but P … I can’t stop. When I’m out there, I feel like me again. The waves. It’s like I’m the me I was when I was swimming. The real me
PRIYA: Yeah but … can’t you find the real you on land too?
ME: I kind of thought you’d be on my side with this one
PRIYA: What? I AM on your side. But I’m also on the side of keeping you alive
ME: You think I should quit?
PRIYA: I’m just trying to be a good friend. Sometimes that means telling people what they need to hear not what they want to hear
ME: Wow thanks for the support. Maybe we always were on different pages
PRIYA: Maybe …
I slept on and off all the next day. Mostly tossing and turning, frustrated at Priya and her total lack of understanding.
Then I got upset about our argument and wished I hadn’t said anything at all.
Rage still simmered in my gut from my conversation with Mum and Dad.
And then it was as if I’d opened the floodgates to every negative thought that existed in my head.
How it might have been Felix who pulled me out of the water, and I’d probably traumatized him even more than he already was, how Antoine hadn’t even bothered to check on me.
And to top it all off, I scrolled through Insta, just to torture myself by studying Theo’s stories.
Staring at them just long enough to spot some kind of Ari reference, making the rage intensify.
I stared at the ceiling after that. Until my eyes got heavy and the explosive thoughts began to fizzle out.
I woke the next day, with a ray of sunlight warming my face through the gap in the curtains. I looked at my phone. It was almost the afternoon.
I lay for a moment as Felix filled my head.
Did he see the beach that morning?
I pulled myself out of bed and when I went into the little kitchen, I was greeted by Rue and Wren, who wrapped themselves round me.
‘Mum made us let you sleep. But we wanted to wake you up,’ Wren said.
‘I’ve done my exercises already and everything,’ said Rue.
‘That’s brilliant, Rue.’ I hugged them back. ‘Where are Mum and Dad?’ I asked.
‘Outside,’ Wren answered.
I grabbed a croissant and walked outside.
‘Good morning, how are you feeling?’ Mum asked.
She looked tired. Like she hadn’t slept at all, and that even the smile was an effort.
‘I’m OK,’ I replied. ‘I’m a bit sore but I think it’s just muscle pain,’ I said.
‘You need to give yourself time to recover,’ Dad said, before walking back inside to make more coffee.
‘I’ll take it easy,’ I called after him. I wasn’t about to get back into our argument right then. ‘Felix,’ I said, as I remembered the revelation.
I sat down beside Mum, noticing her worried eyes.
‘He’s a nice boy, Felix. Gentle,’ Mum said. ‘I think he’s been good for you, Margot.’
‘Yeah?’
‘He just seems so different to your friends at home. I’ve noticed the way he looks at you.’
‘What do you mean?’ I asked. I was genuinely curious. Mum was like Wren – both of them saw things that the rest of us didn’t.
‘He sees you the way we do. He sees how special you are.’ Mum found my eyes and smiled, putting a lump in my throat.
‘Mum –’
‘It’s true, Margot. And two days ago, we thought –’
‘Mum, don’t,’ I cut in. ‘I think I’d like to go and see him maybe?’
‘Sorry, you’re right. Go, tell Felix we say hello.’ She cleared her throat, and I leaned in to give her a quick hug.
I made my way to the Brasserie in the afternoon heat. When I got there, it was just the same as it always was over lunchtime. Busy.
I scanned the tables for Felix. Then I saw him. Chatting to a family, using his hands to speak like he always did. I just watched him, taking in every piece of him.
It wasn’t until five minutes later that he saw me. He was taking glasses back to the bar. He stopped in his tracks and just stared at me. I gave him a little smile and a wave. He held up a finger and disappeared towards the bar before emerging again a couple of minutes later.
He stopped about a foot away from me, like he was scared to touch me.
‘Can we talk?’ I asked.
He nodded. ‘I will tell Yves I am taking a break.’
When he came back the second time, I felt it. A strange tension in the air. One that had never been there between us. We walked aimlessly down lanes of the campsite lined with other people’s mobile homes. He seemed worried, and there was a change in his breathing, like the air around him was thin.
‘I am so happy that you are OK, Margot.’ Felix’s hand was in his hair, but he wasn’t looking at me. He was looking at the path as we walked.
‘It was stupid,’ I admitted. ‘Going out alone.’
Felix didn’t say anything to that. Probably because there was nothing he could do but agree.
‘Felix?’ I asked, holding his arm and stopping us both in the middle of the lane. ‘Was it you? Were you the one who saved me?’
Felix started to shake his head, then abandoned it and looked down at his feet. ‘I am not sure what –’
‘You knew the tide was wrong, that it was dangerous. You were watching from your spot.’
Felix’s breathing sped up and he was taking short, shallow breaths. He closed his eyes. I put my hand on his shoulder. ‘Felix?’
Then he opened his eyes and looked at me. And all I saw was terror. Like he was experiencing it all over again. ‘I couldn’t … I saw you … I watched you go under …’
I threw my arms round him, and he held me so tightly I thought my ribs might break. And when we separated, his eyes were glistening.
‘You saved my life,’ I whispered. ‘You saved my life, Felix.’ And it was like it came out of nowhere, the pressure that built up behind my eyes, then days’ worth of tears streamed down my face.
And I’m not sure if he pulled me in or I collapsed into him, but then we were hugging again, my head buried in his shoulder, my chest heaving.
And I thought I felt him tremble as he held me, but it might just have been me.
‘Come,’ he said. Felix released me then took my hand and led me off the path to the edge of a little children’s playpark where there was a bench. We sat down.
‘I saw you from the hill. I was up there.’
‘But it was so early,’ I said. ‘If you hadn’t been there …’ I shook my head as I thought of the possibility.
He held my hand and stroked the back of it with his thumb.
‘But I was. I was there, Margot. The night before the anniversary, I couldn’t sleep, so I went even earlier than usual.
If it hadn’t been the anniversary, I am not even sure if I would have been in that place.
And then … then what would have happened? ’
I squeezed his hand. ‘Let’s not think about what could have happened.
I’m here, I’m alive. Thanks to you.’ I blinked back the tears in my eyes as he did the same.
‘I didn’t see you after it happened. Were you OK?
’ I asked. I hadn’t thought about it, how hard it must have been on his body too.
Maybe he should have been checked by doctors as well?
He looked away then, just for a second. ‘I am OK. My body is OK. But I broke the promise I made after … Gabriel. I swore that I would never go back into the ocean after he died. But I could not let you … I could not fail again.’ He shook his head and looked down at his knees.
‘You didn’t fail, Felix. You were a child.’ My words were choked with tears.
He shook his head. ‘I did not see the current change. I should have seen.’
And the guilt that consumed him was palpable. Like it surrounded him with this big, black cloud.
‘You were just a child,’ I said again. ‘And you saved me, Felix. Without you, I wouldn’t be here right now.’
And he cried. Right there. Proper tears that shook his body and made me wrap my arms round him, because I couldn’t bear his pain.
‘Have you told anyone that you went in the water? It’s a really big deal,’ I said when he’d calmed down.
‘No, I would not know who to tell. The only person who would really understand what it meant … we do not speak any more,’ he said sadly, choosing to scan the playground instead of looking at me.
‘Well, I can be that person now.’ I took his hand. ‘Why don’t you come round tonight? My mum and dad could probably do with a night to themselves after what happened …’
‘I would like that,’ he said with a smile.