Chapter 33
Antoine’s van was just as messy as it had been the last time I’d been in it. I breathed it in, the scents of salt on damp clothes, board wax and engine oil, which to me were just the smells of Antoine now. The smell of all those lessons at the cove.
I twisted my curls in my fingers and rested my other hand on the gear stick.
He turned on the engine and didn’t even ask me to move; he just put his hand on top of mine and shifted the gear stick in a sure, smooth motion.
And I didn’t pull my hand away, because I liked it, the warmth that radiated right down to my bones and the familiar throb in my abdomen that I’d grown to expect whenever he was close.
‘Why did you come with me?’ he asked bluntly as we drove back towards the campsite.
I was taken aback by the directness of his question. But I knew the answer – more clearly now than ever, that Antoine drew me towards him like a magnet, with some invisible force that I didn’t really understand. ‘Because it would be cold on the Vespa.’ I smirked.
‘So you are able to listen to advice now?’
‘Very funny.’
I turned my head and gazed out the window, breathing on to the glass and moving my hand from the gear stick to doodle my name in the condensation.
‘You and Felix …’ Antoine said.
‘Me and Felix what?’ I replied, turning back.
‘You are still together?’
I shook my head gently. ‘Me and Felix are better as friends.’
‘Sometimes that becomes clear.’
‘Yeah,’ I agreed, as a fizz of nerve endings ignited themselves in my body.
‘And what about me? We are just friends?’ he asked, breaking his gaze on the road for a second to look over at me. And when I looked back at him, I had to force myself to stay on track. Even in the dark, his eyes were disarming, messing with my head, scrambling my thoughts.
‘It’s complicated. Don’t you think?’ I asked.
‘Complicated can be good.’ I caught the edge of his smile before he turned back to watch the road.
‘I still don’t understand why you didn’t tell me that Felix was your brother when I told you I was seeing him. I understand not talking about Gabriel, of course I do. But Felix?’ A new wave of frustration rolled through me.
‘I was jealous,’ Antoine said simply.
‘Jealous?’
He gripped the steering wheel with both hands. ‘I knew that Felix could give you things that I could not. Normal conversations. Normal human interaction. I am better in water than I am on land,’ he admitted.
I took in what he’d just said. I used to say the same about myself. Yeah, Priya got me, but I’m not sure anyone else did. Not really.
‘Maybe we’re more similar than you think,’ I said, and put my hand back down on the gear stick, only for him to put his on top again.
We’d just pulled into the campsite when I decided to tell him.
‘I’ve been training since our fight …’
He pulled his hand off mine, on to the steering wheel and looked at me. ‘Training? With who?’
‘Delphine.’
He didn’t say anything for a second.
‘She’s coaching me for the qualifier,’ I continued.
‘La Vague d’Or qualifier?’ Antoine asked, then shook his head.
‘What? You don’t think I can do it? You don’t think I can qualify? Delphine said I had potential.’
Antoine turned to me with the twitch of a smile on his lips. ‘I did not say that at all. Delphine does not say that lightly. She is right.’ He nodded.
‘We had two sessions today –’
‘Two? Your arms. They should feel like spaghetti now.’ He reached over and squeezed my bicep. I tensed it.
‘They do. But I like it. It reminds me that I’m getting stronger again. That’s the plan. Two sessions a day until the qualifier.’
Antoine smiled at me, as though he understood where I was coming from, but also like he didn’t know what to say. Then he turned right, into the campsite car park and turned off the engine.
‘You are really going to do this? The qualifier?’ he asked with a sigh, knowing that I wasn’t about to change my mind based on his opinion.
‘I am.’
He took his hands off the steering wheel in mock surrender.
‘And I’d like you to be there,’ I said.
‘As your coach?’
‘Delphine is my coach,’ I reminded him. ‘Just as … whatever this is.’ I motioned between us.
‘Whatever this is …’ he repeated.
‘Complicated is what it is.’
‘You like that word. Complicated.’
‘It seems to come in handy here,’ I said. He’d moved closer, so he was inches from me, and I was staring straight into his blue eyes. ‘Delphine says that my technique has really improved, and that I have really good … instincts.’ I whispered the last part.
Antoine nodded, intrigued. ‘And what do your instincts tell you now?’ he asked, his voice rough from his fight with Felix.
‘That maybe some waves are worth the risk.’
And with that I opened the door, before turning to face him again. ‘Bonne nuit, Antoine.’ I got out of the van.
‘Bonne nuit, Margot.’ And our eyes held each other’s gaze for longer than necessary. Or maybe not long enough.
I closed the door and walked back to our mobile home, feeling his eyes on me until I was out of sight.
Everyone was asleep when I got in, which I was happy about.
I didn’t want any questions, or to have to try to come up with answers when my head was a tangled mess of new information, painful realizations, guilt, secrets and a yearning so strong that when I went to bed, Antoine was the only thing I was thinking about.
I wondered what it would be like to kiss him.
And that was kind of why I didn’t, right there in the van.
I liked the not knowing, I liked creating a whole narrative in my head of us kissing on the beach, against the soaking, salty rocks at the surfer’s cove.
His hands, coarse from the surfboards, gentle but firm on my lower back, pulling me into him.
And then I fell asleep to the lullaby of the ocean and the unmistakable growing waves of desire.