Chapter 35
Nobody spoke on the way home. Not even Rue, who had just gone quiet. Mum put on Taylor Swift for her, and we all listened, pretending that we loved the music when I’m sure everyone else’s brains were spinning as much as mine.
It was great news. Rue would get her operation early, and maybe it would help.
Her legs might be less stiff, and she’d be more mobile.
But her recovery would be tough. The pain would be so hard to watch.
Mum and Dad would be terrified that something would go wrong, as they always were when Rue had to go to hospital.
They thought they hid it really well, but a few days before any of Rue’s procedures, Mum would start cleaning the house.
Like properly tearing it apart, throwing stuff out, scrubbing tiles, and trying to pretend it was normal.
I got it. I felt sick when Rue had to go in for any sort of treatment, and it must be even worse for Mum and Dad, but sometimes I thought all you needed to do was take one look at Rue, who showed up with them to the hospital, who held out her arms and feet for needles without so much as complaining.
I reached over for her little hand and squeezed it. She squeezed it back and I listened to her hum to Taylor Swift all the way to the campsite.
And by the time we got back, the storm had started.
The wind blew hard into the tents that lined the little paths, and people were rushing around bringing in clothes and toys so they wouldn’t get destroyed.
A lot of other tourists clearly hadn’t expected the storm to be here already, or maybe just hadn’t heard about it at all.
‘I love storms,’ said Rue. ‘I hope there’s thunder.’
‘Thunder?’ said Wren, sounding scared.
Mum turned round to calm her down. ‘Don’t worry, love, let’s get inside before the rain starts. It will give me a chance to get on with some cleaning before we leave,’ she added for Dad’s benefit.
My breath caught in my throat, and I was scared I might cry as I got out of the car, so I refused to think about it.
‘I need to go somewhere. I’ll be back soon,’ I said.
And I left before they could convince me that it was too dangerous. Even though I heard them calling, and Dad telling Rue that she couldn’t follow me.
I walked through the campsite, with the wind determined to push me over, and headed straight for the Brasserie.
The storm was picking up, and soon it would be raging, but it didn’t matter.
I couldn’t think about one thing before something else crashed into my head, pushing it away.
Rue’s operation, the qualifier, Felix, Antoine.
The electricity that appeared from nowhere when he was near me, how when he touched me every nerve ending buzzed with excitement and longing.
And Felix. Perfect Felix. He’d been so kind, so understanding, despite what he was going through.
And now I had to say goodbye. My hand moved reflexively to my mouth as tears fell.
I shook the thought away. I loved spending time with him.
I truly did. I kept my head down, thoughts twisting, fuming at the unfairness of it all, then feeling disgusted at my own selfishness.
There was Rue, who had to go for an operation, and I was crying about some surf competition and a couple of boys?
I kicked a tree stump and it hurt. But I didn’t care. I deserved it.
‘Margot?’
I looked up and noticed I was just outside the Brasserie. I saw Felix standing in the rain, umbrella up, just staring at me.
And it just made me cry more. Seeing him standing there in the rain, his beautiful face full of concern.
He rushed towards me, putting the umbrella over us both and pulling me into a hug with his other arm.
And it almost made it worse, as I remembered the thoughts I’d been having about Antoine last night.
‘What are you doing out here? It is not safe. You should be inside.’ Felix led me inside the Brasserie where Yves was sitting down at one of the tables with a glass of beer.
‘Bonsoir,’ I choked out.
‘Bonsoir, Margot. La tempête, c’est mauvais, non?’ he said.
I glanced at Felix for the translation. ‘He said the storm is bad.’
‘Oui.’ I nodded and sat down at a table with Felix.
He took both my hands in his. ‘You are very wet,’ he said. ‘Why are you outside in the storm?’
And I couldn’t help it. I felt my face crease as I started to cry again.
‘Margot, non! What is wrong?’ Felix put his palm gently on my cheek and I leaned into it.
‘I have to leave France.’
‘What do you mean? Because you do not want to do the competition? You do not have to do it.’ Felix shook his head, like this was obvious.
I shook my head. ‘Rue. She is having an operation, and it got moved forward, so we need to go home.’
Felix leaned back in his chair. ‘Ah, I understand,’ he said sadly.
‘And I feel so guilty and selfish because I’m devastated. I should just be thinking about Rue. And of course she needs me. I’m a horrible person.’ I shook my head, barely able to get the thoughts straight.
‘Horrible? Margot, because of you I have been able to go to the beach again. And I have seen you with your sister. I wish I had been as nice to Gabriel.’ And the way he said it was like he wasn’t looking for sympathy, but that he really believed it.
‘This, it is not horrible. Unless horrible means something else in English.’ He raised his eyebrow, and I gave him the tiniest smile I could manage. Then I shook my head.
‘Felix, I …’ I what? Have been dreaming about your brother every night since I met him? Have used you and your endless kindness? ‘I should go. I can’t. I’m not who you think I am …’
I got up and started to walk away when I felt him grip my wrist. ‘Margot.’
And the pained look on his face made it impossible to pull away. So I didn’t. I sat down again and put my head in my hands. ‘Felix …’ And I just couldn’t get it out.
‘You do not owe me any explanation,’ he said, then he reached for my hands again and pulled them away from my face, holding them gently in his.
‘But I do, I –’
Felix shook his head. ‘Margot, we had our time together, and it was beautiful, but then it was clear to me that you belonged to someone else. Even if I did not want it to be true.’ He smiled sadly and I blinked back more tears.
‘It’s not like that. I don’t belong –’
‘You do. And it is OK. Like I said before, you light up when you look at him. You light up when you talk about him. And the light has become brighter this last week, has it not?’ Felix looked at me and I nodded, unable to lie to him any more.
‘I didn’t mean to hurt you,’ I whispered.
‘I know.’ He reached over and brushed a tear gently from my cheek. ‘So it is hard for me to be angry.’
‘I don’t deserve this. You’re being too nice,’ I said as his hand found mine again. I squeezed it.
‘Maybe you are too hard on yourself,’ he said, letting the words settle in the air between us.
And then we just sat there for a moment, in the comfortable silence that I would miss so much. But I couldn’t sit there any more, because I knew if I did, it would just make everything worse. Looking at Felix’s perfect face, drowning in his kindness. It wasn’t fair.
‘I should head back.’ I stood up and tried desperately not to cry again. He stood up too.
‘Can I get you anything before you go? Chocolat chaud?’ He gave me the saddest smile. I shook my head before throwing my arms round him, breathing in the lavender-and-vanilla scent I’d come to know so well.
‘Thank you,’ I whispered. ‘For everything.’
‘Au revoir, Margot,’ he whispered.
‘Goodbye, Felix,’ I said, before turning and walking towards the door.
‘Oh, Margot?’
I turned, and he hesitated. Then he said, ‘Whatever happens with my brother. Make sure to look after your heart.’ He pressed his hand on his chest. ‘You have told him yet? That you must leave?’
I shook my head.
‘It is where you are going now?’
I nodded, walking out the door before the tears came back, in the thick of the furious storm.