Chapter 23 Mee Noi #2
“Don’t cry, Noi,” Sud says softly, stroking my back as I struggle to get a hold on my emotions.
I’ve hurt him, and that hurts me. And the fact that he’s concerned about me when I don’t deserve it makes me feel even worse. And I’m just so fucking exhausted.
“I-I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” I say between slobbery gulps of air. I can’t remember a time when crying didn’t mean losing control, and I don’t want that. I’ve been crying every damn night, wringing the emotion out of me so I can pour it into my acting. I’m so fucking sick of crying.
“You don’t have to be sorry for how you feel. Just don’t shut me out anymore, okay?” Sud says, softly raking his fingers through my hair.
Too many nights without enough sleep, too much stress and worry over work—it’s all caught up to me. I imagine this is what a nervous breakdown feels like. Sud’s the only thing holding me up, just like he’s done most of my life.
Without letting go of me, Sud manages to maneuver us the short distance to my bed.
He sits down, pulling me onto his lap like he would Ten.
I honestly think Ten would’ve handled things better than I have in this situation.
Tilting up my chin, Sud studies my face, which I can only imagine is red, screwed up, and covered in snot and tears.
My shoulders continue to shake with sobs as I stare up at him.
“Everything’s okay, Mee Noi.”
That makes me cry harder—that he put the Mee with the Noi. He never does that.
“You’re angry at me, and I don’t b-blame you.
” My voice, already hoarse, is now failing me.
I sound pitiful. Sud tries to pull me back to look at me, but I tighten my hold on him, probably strangling him.
But he doesn’t complain, just strokes my head, rocking me gently, bringing to mind all the nights he did the same thing when I awoke from nightmares and crawled into bed with him.
As I cry myself dry, my eyes get heavy, and I wish I could close them and just go to sleep, wrapped in Sud’s comforting embrace.
But I have a lot of explaining to do. And we have to be at work in an hour.
I moan, sounding like a dying animal.
I hear the front door open and shut in the next room, followed by the fading voices of my friends in the hallway. They probably decided that Sud and I need some privacy.
As I sniffle and try to pull myself together, it doesn’t escape my notice that Sud isn’t asking me for an explanation. I feel his lips move against the side of my head in a kiss, and my heart melts.
You truly are a moron, I tell myself. You know very well how you feel about this man, but you refuse to face it. Instead, you run from it like you do everything else. And, in doing so, you place more of a burden on him. That’s all you’ve ever been—a burden to him and his family.
Easing back and sliding off Sud’s lap and onto the bed, I watch through sore eyes as Sud plucks a few tissues from the box on my nightstand, and rather than hand them to me, begins mopping up my tears himself.
Taking the tissue from him, I say unsteadily, “Stop being so nice to me. I don’t deserve it.”
“That’s not true. You deserve everything good in this life, Noi.”
My face crumples.
“I should have known you’d be like this. You’ve always been so good to me. It’s why—“
“It’s why what?” Sud asks when I don’t continue.
I shake my head and blow my nose, everything too much to put into words.
Sud’s eyes are soft. “Noi, I don’t know what I’ve done to make you think I would stand in the way of your happiness, but please know that if you want to be with P’Wisit, I’m okay with it. You don’t have to hide it from me.”
I make a hoarse, frustrated noise because I’m fucking this up.
Grabbing Sud’s hands, I say, “No! I don’t want that.”
He shakes his head. “I don’t understand.”
Of course he doesn’t, because I’m not making sense.
“I haven’t been seeing P’Wisit after work. All those times I told you I was tired and going home, I was really staying to work with P’Prapha.”
Sud frowns. “What? Why?”
“Because I’m having trouble, Sud. I’m not an actor, and I don’t want to ruin this for you.
This series could be the start of the career you’ve always dreamed about, and I want to help make it the best series we can make it.
We’re the secondary characters, and we only have so many scenes to shine in! ”
Resting his hands on my shoulders, Sud says firmly, “Slow down, Noi.”
Head pounding, I take a deep breath and let it out before saying more slowly, “I keep making mistakes. I’m new and there’s so much I don’t know.”
“So, every night for the past few weeks, you’ve been working with P’Prapha?” He touches the skin under my eyes as though noticing the shadows there for the first time. “What about when you haven’t been here in the morning? I’ve come to see you several times.”
“I sleep at the studio and keep clothes there to change into. Today, I ran out.” I gesture at my wrinkled clothes.
A conflicted look passes over Sud’s face before he pulls me into a tight hug.
“Noi, you’ve got to stop pushing yourself so hard. You are not responsible for my success; do you hear me?”
Swallowing my tears, I say into his shoulder, “It isn’t just for you. I want to make money so I can pay my tuition. I don’t want to take money anymore from people who hate me.”
Sud buries his nose in my hair for a long time, not speaking. Lulled by his breathing, with my face against his soft cotton shirt, I nearly drift off.
“And here I thought that you’re in love with P’Wisit and didn’t want to tell me because I opened my stupid mouth and told you that you’re mine. I thought I’d lost your trust.”
That wakes me up. Struggling out of Sud’s hold, I give him a fierce look.
“You are and always will be the person I trust the most in this world, and that will never change. You have to believe me. P’Wisit is just a friend.
He knows I have feelings for you. Please forgive me for lying to you about what I was doing.
I just didn’t want you to worry, but I made everything worse. ”
Sud stares. “Wait, back up. You have feelings for me?”
Oh, did I just blurt that out?
Biting my lip, I nod. I have to face the truth, and I have to be honest with Sud.
“What kind of feelings?”
“I don’t know. More than friends. Not like a brother. It’s…confusing.”
Sud chuckles softly. “Tell me about it.” He shakes his head. “Our relationship isn’t simple.”
“You can say that again.”
Sud grins. “Our relationship isn’t simple.”
Pushing him backward, I say, “Well, you’ve just made it clear. It’s definitely disdain that I feel for you.”
Grabbing my hand, Sud yanks me back into his arms. “So, you’re saying that you’ve fallen for me? I can’t blame you. Most everyone does.”
I struggle to get loose, but he holds me fast. “What did you think the feelings I had were?” I ask, exasperated. “More than a friend…not like a brother?”
Sud pretends to think. “I don’t know. Lust? I mean, look at this bod.”
“Okay, forget it. I changed my mind.”
“Your ears are red,” Sud teases.
“Shut up. Let me go.” I start struggling again, and Sud leans closer so we’re nose to nose. “I’m in love with you, too,” he says. “I don’t know exactly when it happened, but there you go. Accepting that you are with P’Wisit is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.”
“How many times do I have to say it; I’m not with P’Wisit!“ I exclaim because did he just confess to me?
Sud chuckles and lets me go. “I was so sure you were.”
Which was my fault.
As usual, Sud reads my mind. “Don’t. It’s over and we understand each other now. Let’s make a pact to always tell each other the truth.”
“Do you forgive me for lying to you?” I ask.
“Of course.” Leaning in, he kisses me on the forehead.
I want him to kiss me on the mouth, but I’m afraid for him to at the same time.
Because as much as I’m certain that I love Sud, and as happy as I am that he said he loves me, I’m worried we’ll lose what we have if we’re not careful about how we move forward.