16. Sixteen
16
SIXTEEN
ELIANA RICHARDS
High School, 2015
Diary Entry
Monday
I’m sorry if you can’t read this properly, but the cast makes it harder for me to write. But I have to practice, because I’m having an English test upcoming where we’re supposed to do a long analysis of a Shakespeare poem. Hard enough without a broken arm.
I shouldn’t have fallen off that damn tree, but there was such a beautiful rainbow on the horizon that I wanted to see clearer. And the tree was perfectly climbable. At least I thought. Getting up wasn’t the problem, though. Didn’t think I’d lose my footing on the way down and crashed to the floor with full force.
The pain was unbearable. You don’t know what it feels like when you look at your arm being at an angle it is not supposed to and the burning pain shooting up all the way into your shoulder as soon as the adrenaline was gone. Dad needed to get me to the ER and he was so angry.
I deserved it.
I risked my life for a fucking rainbow. A beautiful, but fucking rainbow.
Dad said he would have broken my other arm if it wouldn’t make me completely dependent on him. He was furious because he just came home from work and wanted to watch TV. Today was Law & Order day, his favorite show. He missed it because they had to put me in anesthesia for realigning the bones. It had hurt so much that I started to cry. Dad told me to stop crying and don’t be a pussy, but he had no idea how much it actually hurt. They tried it without anesthesia, but I screamed so loud that they stopped immediately. Never thought collapsing because of pain was possible, but I was damn close .
He missed his favorite TV show because of me and I really need to make this up to him. He’d deserve a free evening with Law & Order but I destroyed it for him. I’m sorry, Dad.
Thursday
I have no idea how to tell Dad that I only have a C in the English test. Because of the fucking cast I couldn’t write quick enough to get the entire analysis done. Mrs. Prooney said that the rest was perfect, but I just couldn’t finish in time.
A fucking C.
That was way below my father’s expectation of being perfect and I have no idea how he will react.
I’m scared.
I wish I could hide in my room as long as possible, but I’d need to face him eventually.
I’m so fucking scared.
I’m nothing but a burden to him. I shouldn’t have broken my arm because that provides nothing but more work and disadvantages for him. He has to drive me to doctors for check-ups and do the cleaning stuff I was not able to because I was not allowed to lift heavy with my arm. And it’s my dominant hand.
I should have been more careful because now he is the one suffering from my injury. I’m a burden to him that he doesn’t deserve.
Additionally, the C in the test is unacceptable. I need to become the class's best so that he doesn’t have to pay for college.
He was right. Mom would be disappointed in me.
I deserve the black eye and the pain that is radiating through my arm. He almost crushed my arm again to prove to me that I’m nothing more than dead weight to him. To anybody. He had screamed that at me while using my own casted arm to crush it against my face and cause a black eye. I have to live with the pain and the consequences of my actions. This was all my fault.
I deserve it.
I shouldn’t have fallen off the tree and risked it all.
He suffers because of me.
He missed Law & Order because of me.
I’m worthless.