2. Darius
Chapter two
Darius
As he watched Luis disappear into the crowd on the dance floor, Darius fought down a wave of jealousy. It wasn’t an unfamiliar feeling. In the twelve years since the quincea?era party, he’d had a lot of practice at not letting his feelings for Luis show. They were as close as two friends could possibly be, even closer than most got to be, as they occasionally hooked up with a third, and Darius was not going to risk what they had by pushing for a romantic relationship if Luis wasn’t interested.
He’d come too close to losing his best friend after Luis came out in college, and Darius had convinced himself that meant they were a couple. Luis disabused him of that idea pretty quickly when he introduced Darius to his first boyfriend. Watching Luis walk away at a club was nothing compared to the heart-shattering feeling of seeing the man he loved kissing that guy and knowing he’d never get to experience Luis that way again.
And he hadn’t. Not really. They slept in the same bed and often kissed or cuddled, they’d even had sex a few times when they were in their early twenties, but it had been purely physical: a comfort to Luis after a bad dream or breakup or times when they both felt horny but didn’t want to go out or scroll through an app. And they’d both had their share of boyfriends over the years. Darius knew they had been a puzzle to their various roommates over the years, but what he and Luis had worked, and that was all that mattered to him, no matter how much he wished it were otherwise.
On the dance floor, Luis was wrapped around the blond who’d approached him, his lithe and trim body a sinuous blur as he ground against the guy, his body so flexible and strong after all his years as a gymnast. Darius loved watching him move.
He was vaguely uneasy, though, and had hoped to get Luis to loosen up while they were out and tell him what had happened the night before. Something had, of that Darius was sure because he knew his best friend almost as well as he knew himself. He’d known the change in his return flight would throw Luis, but the way he’d greeted Darius, then curled around him when they’d taken a nap together, confirmed what he’d suspected when he walked into the apartment and found Luis cleaning.
Deny it all he liked—and Darius knew Luis well enough not to push—something had happened to his friend in the past and left him dealing with panic attacks, anxiety, and a secret he guarded fiercely with solid walls and hid behind a mask of flirtatiousness and sass. Whatever it was, Luis was his ride-or-die bestie, his soul twin, and Darius would do whatever it took to protect him and help him stay on solid ground.
“Hey, gorgeous, can I buy you another?”
Darius turned to regard the guy who had sidled up to him. He was standing close enough their arms brushed, and Darius felt a thrill at the contact. It had been too long since anyone but Luis had touched him.
“Not quite done with this one yet,” Darius replied, “but sure.”
They turned for the bar where Darius got a refresher on his Cosmo and the guy ordered a G & T. While they waited, they engaged in the mindless small talk between two people who didn’t know each other and couldn’t really hear what the other was saying anyway over the music and voices around them. The guy was named Ash, and he had gorgeous olive skin, dark eyes, a rugged amount of scruff along his jaw, and was wearing a white crop top that showed off his flat abs and a pair of black barrel jeans that fit loose enough on his hips to show off a tempting V and a dusky shadow. Darius licked his lips, then met Ash’s gaze. From the way Ash was checking him out, he was equally as impressed with Darius.
A high-top table opened up as they turned away from the bar, and they made for it. Darius immediately scanned the dance floor, found Luis, and took a sip of his drink. Ash stood close again, this time canting his hips so he was touching Darius as they stood side by side. When Darius put his drink down on the table, Ash did likewise, then stroked the side of Darius’ hand with his little finger.
“Your friend’s cute,” Ash said, lifting his chin toward the gyrating crowd.
“He is,” Darius said, then turned to face Ash, ready to play the game. “But so am I.”
“Oh, honey, you’re beautiful.” Ash turned toward him, stepped close, and lifted his hand to run his fingers down the side of Darius’ face. “Can I kiss you?”
“As long as I can kiss you back.”
Ash laughed, then closed the distance between them and brought his lips down on Darius’. The kiss was warm, soft, sensual, but it didn’t light Darius up the way Luis’ kisses did. He didn’t feel it radiate through his body or make his heart race. Still, though, he thought as he opened to let Ash explore, it’s pleasant and a whole lot better than watching Luis grind away on someone else.
With that thought, Darius wrapped his arms around Ash’s neck and rocked his hips forward. Ash moved a leg between Darius’ and placed a hand on his lower back to get him to thrust against his thigh, his tongue moving in Darius’ mouth with the same rhythm.
When they broke apart, Ash grinned. “That was nice.”
Darius smiled back and gave a flirty head toss. “It was, but is that all you want to do tonight?”
The filthy look Ash gave him had Darius’ cock reacting. “Not by a long shot.” He picked up his glass, gestured toward Darius. “Drink up. Then let’s get out there so you can show me your moves.”
After they finished their drinks, they made their way onto the dance floor, gravitating toward where Luis was grinding away on his partner. When they were right next to the other couple, Luis looked over his shoulder and smiled at Darius, whose heart gave an extra bump at the sight of his best friend looking so happy and relaxed. His skin was glowing, and the hair around his face was damp with sweat.
Darius grinned back at Luis, but before he could turn to Ash, Luis left his partner’s arms and danced toward him. Looping his arms around Darius’ neck, Luis writhed against him, his supple hips gyrating with the beat. “Glad you joined us,” he shouted over the music.
In response, Darius put his hands on Luis’ waist, the two of them moving in sync with each other. And then Ash moved behind Darius. A quick glance up showed that the guy Luis had been dancing with had followed suit, the four of them fitting together perfectly. Best of all, Luis was in his arms, and he had a hot guy at his back. It was almost perfect.
Luis raised his arms and wrapped them around his guy’s neck. Or at least tried to. The guy was tall enough, Luis’ fingers only ended up brushing the sides of his neck. “This is Reed,” he said, then leaned his head back for a kiss, which Reed gave him. “And this is Darius,” Luis said as he straightened up and leaned into Darius.
“Hey,” Reed said with a slight chin raise in Darius’ direction.
“Hey.” Darius tried not to glare at Reed, but it was difficult because he was getting all sorts of bad vibes from the guy.
Case in point, Reed put his arms around Luis’s waist and pulled him away from Darius. He wasn’t rough, just more possessive than Darius liked because he’d seen enough guys act like Luis was some doll they could move around as they pleased. Reed was every inch the kind of guy Luis always seemed to attract: tall, muscled, blond, and possessive. The kind of guy who put Darius on alert and made him forget all about Ash until he found himself pulled back against Ash’s hard body.
Darius tried to get back into the flow of the dance, but his eyes were focused on Luis. When Luis took a couple of steps toward him, Reed again pulled him away, and Darius felt concern take root in his chest.
“You worried about him?” Ash asked.
“Always.” Darius turned his head slightly, still trying to keep Luis in his field of vision. “He has shitty taste in men.”
“Do you want to get a drink and keep an eye on him?”
“Yeah. Sorry.”
“No worries,” Ash said as they left the dance floor and headed for the bar. “He’s lucky to have such a good friend.”
For some reason, the word “friend” struck Darius so hard in the center of his chest that he stopped walking. The longing he felt as he watched Luis carved out a hollow in his stomach that filled with acid as he saw Reed take hold of Luis’ arm and tug on it so hard Luis stumbled. In a flash, he was heading toward them, weaving his way around groups of dancing men, barely noticing that Ash was right behind him.
Reed had taken Luis from the dance floor and was trying to get him to head toward the bathrooms when Darius caught up to them. One look at Luis told him everything he needed to know. His best friend had gone still and rigid, the features on his face fixed in a neutral expression, but it was his eyes that scared Darius into reaching out and taking hold of his arm.
“Luis? Chico? Are you all right?”
“Fine,” Luis said, his gaze locked on something across the room in a thousand-mile stare that Darius had only seen in moments he absolutely wasn’t fine.
“We were about to take a break,” Ash said. “Why don’t you guys join us?”
Darius cast a grateful look Ash’s way. “Absolutely. You could probably use some water after all that dancing.” He moved into Luis’ line of sight. “And maybe another Cosmo?”
Luis’ eyes flicked to Darius, then to Reed. “Yeah,” he said with a slight nod. “That…that would be good.” He turned to Reed. “Okay?”
“Whatever.” Reed shrugged.
Darius wanted to punch the asshole because he knew as soon as they turned toward the bar, he’d hang back and disappear into the crowd. Luis didn’t deserve to be treated like this by anyone. His best friend was amazing and perfect and should always be treated like the treasure he was, but he smiled at Reed and said, “Great.”
As predicted, by the time they got to the bar, Reed was gone. No loss. Darius was more concerned about Luis and happy to see his friend smile as they tried to find a place in the crowd to order drinks.
“How about if you guys find a spot, and I’ll get the order,” Ash said.
“You sure?” Darius asked.
“Yeah. No worries. Promise I’m not going to ghost you like…” He jerked his head toward the dance floor and smiled when Darius laughed. “What do you guys want?”
Luis asked for water, and Darius did the same then steered Luis toward an open space along the wall, making sure that Luis’ back was to the wall and he was positioned to shield his friend from any unwanted attention.
“You okay, chico?” he asked.
“Yeah.” Luis shook his head. “Why do the assholes always come to me?”
“It’s not just you. I get my share of them.”
Luis nodded toward the bar, and Darius turned his head to see Ash making his way over to them with three bottles of water. “That man is not an asshole, and he came to you. Just saying.” With a one-shouldered shrug, Luis crossed his arms and turned away from Darius to watch the guys on the floor. Reed, Darius noted, had already moved on to someone else.
“Was it okay that I came over?” Darius asked and got another one-shoulder shrug in response. “Chico?”
“Yeah. It was fine. He wasn’t listening when I said I wanted to dance some more.”
“And rule number one—”
“—if he’s not gonna listen on the small stuff, he won’t listen on the big stuff.”
“Who’s the big stuff?” Ash asked as he reached them and held out the water.
Darius laughed and gave him a playful once-over. “You might be. What do you think, chico?”
The smile Luis gave him was tiny, but it was there. That was what Darius had been hoping for, and he knocked his water against Luis’ and then Ash’s for good measure. “Let’s drink up and get back out there.”
Luis’ smile faded. “I might head home.”
“No. Chico. Stay and dance with us, okay?”
“I don’t want to ruin your night.”
“You won’t,” Ash said. He winked at Luis. “Unless I’m misreading things, and then you can tell me to get lost.”
Darius looked at Luis who shrugged back at him. There was a bit of unspoken back-and-forth between the two of them, and then Luis cast a wistful glance at Ash, which was all Darius needed. He looped an arm through Ash’s and cocked his hip against the other man.
“We’re not telling you to get lost,” he said and put his empty water bottle on the closest table, then took hold of Luis’ hand and led both men back to the dance floor.
It took a couple of songs for Luis to loosen up again, but when he did, he was glorious to watch. Darius and Ash kept him sandwiched between them, and Luis flirted with both of them, letting Ash grind against his ass while he played with Darius’ shirt.
Despite the ache in Darius’ heart when Luis looped his arms around his neck and straddled his thigh, despite wishing the kiss Luis gave him was born of desire rather than gratitude, despite how much he wanted to be the reason for Luis’ beautiful smile, Darius loved seeing his best friend like this. When Luis was happy, it was like the sunniest day in LA, his best birthday party, and the Fourth of July combined, and he never wanted it to end. When they were together like this, he could almost believe they were truly a couple.
Eventually, Luis left their trio to use the restroom. He declined their offers to accompany him—Reed had danced near them at one point but left the club right after that—and told them he’d be right back.
“You sure?” Darius asked, and Luis rolled his eyes before turning on his heel and sashaying off the dance floor with an extra swing in his hips.
“Your boyfriend’s really cute,” Ash said as he looped his arms around Darius and pulled him back into an embrace so they could dance some more.
“He’s not my boyfriend.”
“Not sure I believe you there, dude. Not the way you look at him. Or him at you.” Ash winked. “It wasn’t me he was dancing with, and it’s not me you’re hard for.”
“We’re just friends,” Darius said, though Ash’s words made his heart beat harder than the pulse of the music that surrounded him.
“Hm.” Ash nudged his thigh between Darius’ legs and pulled him closer so he was flush against him. Ash leaned in and whispered in his ear, “See. I’m not the one you want.”
Darius pulled back so he could see Ash’s face and was met with a sympathetic expression. “I love him,” Darius said.
Ash smiled. “I kind of got that.” He nudged Darius. “Shame, though. You’re both fucking hot, and I’m sure we could have had a good time, but…” He shrugged. “The heart wants what the heart wants. You ever change your mind, you know where to find me.”
As Ash walked off, Darius couldn’t help but think how much easier his life would be if he didn’t want Luis so much. But then he caught sight of Luis returning to the dance floor, and his heart beat a little faster as if trying to prove to Darius that a life without this feeling wasn’t worth much.
“Where’d Ash go?” Luis asked.
Darius shrugged. “Found someone more appealing, I guess.”
“Than you? Come on. The guy was all over you until…”
“Until what, chico?”
It was Luis’ turn to shrug. “Me. The way I was clinging to you. I can go find him if you like, tell him we’re not together.”
“It wasn’t about you. He just wasn’t as into me as I thought he was. Not a biggie.”
“But this keeps happening,” Luis said. “I don’t get it.”
“Like I said, not a big deal. You ready to go home?”
When Luis nodded, they headed outside to call for an Uber to take them back to the condo, passing by lots of guys who cast appreciative glances their way, but none of them came over to flirt. Maybe it was because they were clearly on their way out, but that hadn’t stopped guys before. Darius had struck out plenty of times in the club only to end up in a conversation with someone taking a break outside to cool off and wound up back at their place.
Luis was right, though, they’d both had abysmal luck for most of the past year. Besides Chris, Darius hadn’t been with anyone, and he was pretty sure Luis’ dance card had been empty for longer. The more he thought about it, the more he realized it probably started around the time Micah had moved out of the apartment to be with Jake. And it had been years since their last three-way. Even finding someone interested in talking about having a three-way with them had been a challenge. Ash wasn’t the first guy to walk away, though he was the first to say it was because of the way they felt about each other and not wanting to get in the middle of it.
In truth, Darius missed the three-ways because they gave him a chance to pretend he was really with Luis. Yes, they’d fooled around back when they were in college and they’d both been single. Even if Darius had wanted there to be more to it than pure physical release, the only time they ventured beyond jerking off together was when they had another guy to act as a buffer. There was usually kissing, a bit of dick play, sometimes blow jobs between Luis and him, but mostly, they concentrated on the guy they were with because Darius never trusted himself to keep his feelings hidden if he touched Luis more intimately.
The last time… fuck …the last time was close to three years ago, and it had been an amazing night, with Darius topping the guy while he topped Luis. It was as close as Darius had ever been to being inside Luis, and the image of Luis’ face staring up at him as he came on an open-mouthed, silent scream was one that replayed in some of Darius’ dirtiest dreams about the man.
Glancing at Luis, he wondered if Luis had guessed at the depth of Darius’ feelings in that moment. Was that why the three-ways had come to an end? Had Darius revealed too much and scared Luis? If Ash had been able to see it, how could the person who knew him better than anyone miss it? Darius needed to hide his feelings better, that was all there was to it.
They arrived back at the condo without having spoken a word to each other in the back of the Uber. As soon as the car left them at the curb, Darius asked Luis if everything was all right.
“Yeah. I guess.”
His best friend started to turn away, but Darius took hold of his hand. He was about to raise it to his lips but realized that wasn’t really living by his earlier resolution, so he just held on to Luis’ hand as they walked toward the stairs to their floor. It reminded Darius of when they were kids, holding hands as they walked down the street to the corner bodega whenever they were given a dollar. There was so much history between them Darius wondered if it might be standing in the way of either of them finding someone to love.
As they climbed the stairs, he continued to muse over the puzzle of being in love with Luis.
For him, there was this constant back-and-forth, a tug-of-war between honoring their friendship—which meant keeping all indications of romantic feelings at bay—and wanting more with Luis. Although Darius was often at odds with himself trying to decide what that “more” really meant. How much more could there be when they slept in the same bed, shared physical intimacies, and even showered together? Was penetration really the only thing that kept them from being romantic partners, or was there something else, something intangible, that would transform them from best friends to lovers?
Having never been in love with anyone but Luis, Darius didn’t have a clue, but it did make him wonder if he should accept that his heart was never going to get what it wanted.
Luis was still silent as they moved through the apartment to the kitchen to get water. Neither of them had had a lot to drink, but hydration was still important and part of their post-club ritual. Water, a shower, and a wrap-up of the evening as they lay in bed. For Darius, it was a bit of heaven, and he was happy Ash had bowed out. The guy had pushed all sorts of buttons for him, but at the end of the day, Ash wasn’t Luis, and Luis was the only person who truly mattered to him.
And…he was right back to the original problem.
“What are you thinking about so hard?” Luis asked as he handed Darius a glass of water.
Darius shrugged. “Nothing much. You?”
Luis returned the shrug, but Darius took hold of his hand and pulled him into an embrace. “Tell me the truth, chico,” Darius said, aware, as always, how often he failed to give Luis the same. The sigh Luis released was melancholy rather than upset. He looped his arms around Darius’ neck while Darius placed his hands around Luis’ hips and stared into his beautiful dark eyes. “You know you can tell me anything.”
“Did I screw something up for you? Did you want to go home with Ash?”
The question made Darius pause as he sorted through his feelings because the answer wasn’t straightforward, but he owed his best friend this truth.
“I did,” Darius said carefully and put his finger on Luis’ lips when his friend started to protest. “But you’re more important than a guy I just met.” He smiled at Luis’ widened eyes.
“You mean that?” Luis whispered.
“You’ve got to know I do, chico. You’re my alma gemela, my soul twin, my ride-or-die bestie. No one else even comes close.”
Darius was pleased that his answer expressed how he felt without having to name the reason he felt that way. If it wasn’t the whole truth, it wasn’t the same as lying to Luis, and as much as it hurt him to be less than honest, it was something Darius had learned to live with because it meant he could have moments like this one: standing in the dim kitchen, Luis in his arms, swaying slightly as if the club’s beat still pulsed within their bodies.
Luis snuggled closer into Darius’ arms, and Darius held him tighter, loving how his best friend was the perfect size to tuck under his chin.
“Can we go to bed now?” Luis asked.
Although he knew Luis only meant to sleep, Darius’ heart still soared hearing those words. “Of course, chico.”
They finished off their water, refilled the glasses, and headed down the hall to the bedroom. Luis took the first shower while Darius turned down the covers on the bed. Once Luis returned, Darius headed for the bathroom to shower, surprised when Luis returned just after Darius stepped under the spray.
“You okay, chico?” Darius asked as he lathered up. He took care not to touch himself other than what was necessary to get clean because the last thing he needed was to go to bed with a hard-on.
“Yeah.”
Over the sound of the shower, Darius heard Luis brushing his teeth, which was odd because he was sure he’d smelled mint after Luis returned to the bedroom. He listened closer, and yes, that was definitely the sound of Luis’ toothbrush, and that was the sound of Luis spitting into the sink. And that was…Luis was using…mouthwash? The sound of gargling was unmistakable. Greg was the only one of them who used mouthwash, so it was doubly strange for Luis to use it. Alarm bells rang in Darius’ head, though he wasn’t sure why.
Finishing his shower quickly, Darius dried off, wrapped a towel around his waist, and headed back to the darkened bedroom to find Luis staring out the window. He was wearing shorts, which was unusual since they almost always slept naked. Darius took a moment to admire Luis’ trim form as it was gilded by the yellow glow of the streetlights: the flat stomach and sleek muscles on his arms and legs, the swell of a perfect ass that peeked out beneath the shorts. Darius wished he could take more time to appreciate the view, but he needed to find out what was going on with Luis.
“Chico?” Darius asked, his voice barely a whisper.
“Yeah?”
“What’s going on? Did that guy…Reed…did he hurt you?”
“No.”
“Then what?”
Luis sighed. “Get in bed, Dar.”
Doing as he was told, Darius dropped his towel and slid under the covers while Luis remained at the window.
“I lied to you, Dar,” Luis said without turning around.
Darius’ body went cold at the same time his heart beat painfully hard. “About what?” His throat was so tight the words came out hushed, strained.
“I didn’t go out last night.”
Relief, confusion, and a bit of disappointment collided in Darius’ chest as feeling came back to his fingers. “Why didn’t you go out?”
“I don’t know.” Luis shrugged. “I was going to, but then I didn’t feel like it, and I didn’t want you to worry.”
“Why would that make me worry?”
Another shrug, and then Luis turned to face him but kept his gaze fixed on the closed door to their bedroom. “Andrés stopped by.”
Darius clenched his jaw to keep back the curse that threatened to explode from his mouth. “I thought he was in jail.”
“He got out. For good behavior.” Luis wrapped his arms around himself, and Darius could tell he was trembling.
“Come to bed, chico, and tell me what he wanted.”
Luis shook his head. “What he usually wants. Money.”
“Did you give him any?” When Luis didn’t say anything, Darius made a sound in frustration.
“Don’t be angry, cari?o. It’s easier than telling him no.”
If Luis wasn’t going to come to him, Darius was going to go to Luis. He got out of bed, but as he got close to Luis, his best friend took a step back, which hurt in ways Darius couldn’t name at the moment when his focus was on Luis.
“Get back into bed, Dar.”
After Darius did as he’d been told, Luis finally joined him, sliding under the covers but keeping his back to Darius.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Darius asked and got a one-shoulder shrug in response. “Chico.” Darius scooted closer, wrapped his arm around Luis, then snuggled in as the big spoon. “I’m sorry. I wish Gabriella would throw his fucking ass out on the street.”
Luis snorted. “That is never going to happen, and you know it.”
“Then I wish he’d leave you alone.”
“Probably also not going to happen, cari?o. I’m too easy a mark for him. He knows he scares the shit out of me.”
“I hate that,” Darius said. “But I still don’t understand why you didn’t tell me.” When Luis didn’t answer, Darius nudged his shoulder. “Chico?”
With an exasperated snort, Luis sat up. “Because I felt stupid, okay? I’d been looking forward to going out, and then that asshole showed up, and…I…didn’t feel like it anymore. Will you drop it? Please?”
“Of course.” Darius opened his arms wide. “Let’s get some sleep, okay?”
“’kay.” Luis lay back down and curled himself up within Darius’ arms. “I hate sleeping in this bed without you, by the way.”
“Yeah. I know. I do, too.”
“Night, Dar. Love you.”
“Love you, too, chico.”
Long after Luis fell asleep, Darius lay awake thinking about what a POS Andrés was and feeling like he’d let Luis down by not being home, but then, Andrés had always seemed to have a sixth sense about knowing when Luis was alone.
He propped himself up on an elbow and studied Luis’ sleeping face. Tension sharpened the lines of his jaw and cheekbones, and Darius longed to reach out and smooth a finger down them, to try and ease Luis’ stress. Luis was so brave, saying things that were difficult, owning up to the falsehood he’d told to spare Darius from anxiety when there was nothing Darius could have done from thirty-five thousand feet in the air.
Darius’ thoughts turned to how often Luis told him the truth, even when it was difficult, while all the while he held back on doing that very same thing. Luis was always in his thoughts, but that wasn’t something Darius was willing to admit when Luis asked him what he was thinking. Was that dishonest? Lying? Darius considered himself to be a truthful person. Up-front. Moral. But the person with whom he failed was the one person with whom he should be one hundred percent honest.
Staring at Luis’ face, he realized Luis had lied to him as well, and that was a gut punch far worse than finding out Andrés had been anywhere near Luis.
He stared at Luis’ sleeping figure, watched the slow rise and fall of his chest, and placed a kiss on his exposed shoulder as Ash’s words replayed in his mind. Ash couldn’t have known how much Darius wanted to be able to call Luis his boyfriend—his exclusive boyfriend—and to be able to say “I love you” to the man sleeping next to him and know that those words would be heard in the full meaning of his devotion and commitment.
Darius knew, no matter what else happened in their lives, he would always be there for Luis. But then his thoughts strayed back to the night of Marissa’s quincea?era and Luis crying in the bathroom after they’d made out, and then the way Luis had sought out other guys rather than him after coming out in college.
No matter how much he wanted Luis, nor how much fun Luis and he had together, it was obvious Luis wanted him as a friend. A friend with benefits, sure, but not a romantic or life partner. No matter how much Darius craved that, it was better that he stuff those feelings down again. Hope was a bitch, and if he let it take too firm a hold on him, it would only jeopardize what he did have with Luis.