Chapter 27
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
GENEVIEVE
Three months ago, I thought I had everything figured out. A plan. A goal. A clear, unemotional path toward motherhood that didn’t involve love or messy complications. Just Finn, my best friend and the person I trust more than anyone, helping me achieve this goal.
It should have felt strange. I should have felt absolutely nothing other than the friendship I always have.
That’s not what happened.
Instead, being with Finn was easy. Too easy.
Like slipping into something I was always meant to wear, only I’d spent years pretending it didn’t fit.
Since Finn and I agreed to stop living by a calendar, I stopped following the rigid rules that once defined my plan. No more tracking my cycle with militant precision. No more marking dates. No more restrictions on when to have sex.
Instead, Finn and I just enjoyed ourselves.
A lot.
Every time he touched me, every time we came together, it felt so damn good that I didn’t even care about the outcome anymore. The thing that once consumed me faded into the background. The only thing that mattered was him. The way he grinned at me before kissing me. The way he touched me like I belonged to him. The way I felt more like myself than I have in years.
So much so that I wasn’t even the least bit disappointed last month when I got my period. Because that meant another month of this .
Another month of Finn.
Which is why I was caught completely off guard when my mother texted me this morning, asking if I’d gotten my period.
Because I hadn’t even noticed.
For the first time in as long as I can remember, I wasn’t obsessing over a timeline. I wasn’t waiting. I was just living .
But when I did the math and realized I should have gotten my period five days ago, I knew I couldn’t put it off any longer.
So I took a test. And another. And another.
Much like I did that first month in the hopes of getting a different outcome.
Now, as I stare at nearly a dozen positive pregnancy tests lined up on my bathroom counter, I’m not sure how to feel.
Happiness? Relief? Excitement?
This is what I wanted. The reason I started down this path.
So why do I feel a deep, aching sadness I don’t know how to process?
A sharp knock at my front door startles me, jerking me from my spiraling thoughts, followed by my sister calling my name. Before I can think to hide the tests lining the counter, Claire peeks her head into the bathroom, her gaze landing almost immediately on the evidence spread across the surface.
She steps closer, completely ignoring me as she scans each test.
Each positive test.
“Oh, my god.” Her eyes widen as she darts them to me, barely able to contain her enthusiasm. “You’re pregnant?”
I swallow hard and nod. “I am.”
She lets out a high-pitched squeal and lunges forward, wrapping me in a tight hug. “I’m so happy for you!”
Forcing a smile to my mouth, I weakly return her embrace, doing everything to fight back the rush of tears threatening to cascade down my cheeks, my throat tight.
“I can’t wait to be an auntie.” She beams as she releases me. But her excitement dims when she rakes her gaze over me. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” I say dismissively as I spin from her.
“Nothing?” Claire follows as I hurry into the kitchen. “You should be over the moon right now. Instead, you look like someone just told you your cat died.” She glances at Holden as he bathes himself on the couch. “No offense, Holden.”
My cat looks at her for a disinterested moment before returning to his grooming ritual.
“I’m just surprised, I guess. I didn’t think it would happen this fast.”
Claire narrows her eyes, studying me like she’s peeling back layers I don’t want exposed. “This is about Finn. Isn’t it?”
“Of course not.” I open the refrigerator and grab a bottle of water. “We had an agreement. That’s it. Nothing more.” I take a long sip of my water, purposefully avoiding her stare.
“Oh, please.” She pushes out a disbelieving laugh. “If you ask me, it’s a lot more than that.
“What are you talking about?”
She leans against the counter, crossing her arms. “You’ve been…different lately.”
“Different?” I press, though I’m not sure I want to hear her answer.
“You’ve been lighter. Happier. And I have a feeling Finn has something to do with it, considering all the time you’ve been spending together.”
“He’s my best friend. We always spend time together.”
She shakes her head. “Not like this. This is…more.”
I swallow hard, unsure what to tell her.
While she knew Finn was helping me conceive, I never told her about the change to our agreement. That we’ve been sleeping together outside my ovulation window. That, over the past six weeks, I’ve had more sex than I had with Ethan during our six-year marriage. That I wake up beside him every morning, except when he’s working. That every day at work, I count down the minutes until I can leave so I can lose myself in him.
Claire’s gaze sharpens. “And I think that’s why you’re standing here looking like your world just ended instead of celebrating. Because in your mind, this isn’t the beginning. It’s the end.”
“Claire, that’s?—”
“That’s what this is really about,” she interrupts, voice unwavering. “You’re not upset because you’re pregnant. You’re upset because you’re in love him.”
My stomach lurches, and for a second, I think I might actually be sick.
“That’s ridiculous.” I force out a hollow laugh. “I love him as a friend. But I’m not in love with him.”
“That’s just what you tell yourself so you don’t have to deal with what’s actually happening.”
A knot forms in my throat, but I swallow it down. “And what’s actually happening?”
She leans in, her voice quiet but firm. “For the first time in your life, you let yourself have something because it feels good. You let yourself be happy. You let yourself feel . But now that it’s real, now that there are stakes, you’re terrified. So you’re doing what you always do. Convincing yourself you never wanted it in the first place.”
“That’s not true.”
“Yes, it is,” she insists. “You push people away before they can leave you.”
“Need I remind you, Ethan left me?”
“Maybe physically. But in reality, you were never truly with Ethan. He left because he didn’t want to be with someone who never loved him. Who only chose him because she wouldn’t love him. Tell me I’m wrong. Tell me the real reason you’re standing here, refusing to admit your feelings, isn’t because you’re trying to protect yourself.”
I part my lips, but no words come, my body physically resisting my denial. Instead, I say the only thing I can.
“We had an agreement.”
Several tense seconds pass, the silence between us unnerving me. “You need to stop letting him control you, Gen,” she finally says, her voice barely audible.
“Who? Ethan?”
“No. Dad. You’re letting him control you. You’ve let him control you your entire life.”
“No, I haven’t. I?—”
“Yes, you have!” She throws her hands up in exasperation, her green eyes flaming with frustration. “You never let yourself get fully invested in Ethan. You chose someone who was safe, someone who’d never wreck you if things went south. And when it did, you didn’t even fight for it. You just accepted it, because it confirmed what you already believed. That nothing lasts.”
I clench my jaw, each word she says cutting me harder and deeper.
“But Finn…” She draws in a deep breath, softening her tone. “Finn’s different. And that scares you. Because you know if you let him in, really let him in, he could actually hurt you.”
“You’re making this into something it’s not. Finn and me…” I shake my head. “It’s not like that.”
She studies me for a long moment, then sighs. “Maybe I am. Maybe I’m wrong about everything. It won’t be the first time. But you need to ask yourself one thing… How much of your life have you spent trying to avoid becoming our father, only to turn out just like him anyway?”
“I’m nothing like him. I’ve never abandoned my family because I didn’t want that life anymore.”
“That may be true,” Claire agrees. “But by running from anything that remotely resembles love, you’re doing the same thing. If you keep pushing away the people who love you, someday you might end up just as alone.”
I tighten my grip on the bottle, panic creeping in. I don’t want to hear this. Don’t want to think about this.
Because she’s wrong.
She has to be wrong.
I’m nothing like my sorry excuse for a father.
And I’m not in love with my best friend.