CHAPTER 16
SIERRA
I was living a double life or triple life maybe. At this point, I wasn’t sure.
Was it hard? Hell yes.
But was I complaining? No.
Not at all.
Because now I get to talk to Matty whenever I want and for however long I wanted without him catching onto my suspicious behavior.
For the past few days, I’d stuck to a well-planned routine that I specifically curated so I could come off as a diligent pre-med student while secretly pretending to be Luna to Matty, all the while trying to be myself.
The structured plan involved me stepping out every weekday exactly at nine o’clock to the local e-gaming café where I played with Matty and came back home to be Sierra.
The girl who probably had a few secrets up her sleeve, but she was as real as she could get.
Most people living different lives would have a serious case of identity crisis, but not me.
I knew exactly who I was to the point that even a tiny dot of deviation glared hard at me in the mirror.
Daisy Luna was my alter ego and that was all she ever would be, like a skin of a character one would put on before a game. Yes, at times, I admired her confidence and resilience, but at the end of the day, that wasn’t who I was.
I was Sierra Chan, quirky with a bad mouth, fiercely loyal and protective of her family, funny with zero intellect, awkward but kind, a gaming geek with a soft heart, and Matty Evan’s number-one fangirl.
Some people are born to be strong and fearless and brave. Some, like me, are meant to be gentle and soft and loved.
And I thought the latter fit me better.
But pretending was exhausting, especially now that I was pretending to lead multiple lives to the same person. One slip and I would be caught dead. The risks didn’t outweigh the goal.
The goal was more important.
But here I was, swayed by the feelings of the heart. Which never listened to the brain at all for a reason.
Yet what was the brain without the heart anyway?
You can be brain-dead but not heart-dead.
Then you would be dead, dead.
Matty didn’t even spare me a look as he dropped to his usual armchair facing the windows where spring rains were bashing outside.
That was a new one.
Even though that man acted like he barely tolerated the Chan siblings’ presence, his eyes followed me like I was his favorite art piece and he was studying the lines to recreate the masterpiece.
I caught him a few times now that I could confirm that he always watched me, and if I were anyone else, I could get my hopes up thinking he appreciated my beauty, and maybe…just maybe he liked me, but me? I was a Cheetos-riddled mess with untamed hair, so in his head, he probably wondered how such an eccentric human could exist in this modern world.
“Hey, Matty,” I said sweetly from my upside-down position, my head cushioned on the couch edge while I dangled my feet in the air. I knew sitting like this wasn’t healthy and wouldn’t get me smarter, but it helped me strategize and game map.
The prelims were a hit last week. Our team still ranked third, but it didn’t matter.
The forthcoming weeks, when we had head-to-head eliminations, would determine our fate in the game.
We couldn’t lose even one of them.
“Hi,” he mumbled, staring at the rain like it was raining diamonds instead of water.
Hmm, he seemed more grumpier than usual.
He was fine last night when we played together. Well, he was the usual quiet four-word answer guy, but his tone didn’t seem to lack energy.
I’d gotten a lot closer to him as Luna. He seemed to have taken a rare liking to her. Knowing him for a while now, he didn’t do something that spontaneous often. He kept his circle super close and built heavy fort walls to protect his privacy.
I almost thought he wasn’t going to accept my request, but he did, and I almost lost my shit and started to jump on my bed like a lunatic.
And soon Matty Evans wasn’t just my favorite drummer. He also became my favorite player to game with. He was just too adorably grumpy while I rambled on like an idiot and threw orders at him, but he listened to every single word I said.
Though I hid my appearance and my voice, that was the realest version of Sierra I’d ever been. He thought he was playing with Daisy Luna, but I never even attempted to put on her cloak when I was with him.
I asked him so many dumb questions, some I already knew the answer to, and some I couldn’t ask as Sierra without coming off as weird, but he answered every single one of them with the same enthusiasm, even more so than he did in the interviews.
Matty Evan liked Luna, and he even initiated contact often now. It was hard to keep up with the pretending with my actual training and the tournament, but I always made time for him.
Then there was also this smoky feeling burning inside me. I knew I shouldn’t be jealous because Luna was me, but I couldn’t help it. He gave her a version of himself that he never gave to me.
A version when he wasn’t guarded or cautious like he was with me.
A version he could never give his employee’s sister.
“You’re grumpy,” I commented, my eyes roaming over his beautiful features. I sighed internally. Who needed posters on their bedroom walls if they could stare at this sculpted piece of heaven in real life?
He raised a brow, finally bringing those greens to mine. “I’m not.”
“But you are. What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” he mumbled.
I rolled my eyes. “Something clearly is.”
“I told you nothing is wrong, Sierra.” He added a little bite to his tone as his gaze pinned me. “What does a man have to do to want some peace and silence?”
Hurt cruised to my heart before I stopped it.
There it was, amid all the ways I tried to hammer down his walls, there was a thousand-mile gap between us.
My schemes and plot to get to know him, to worm my way into his quiet world, were all a false mirage.
Matty Evans would never hold me or Luna in the same position that I held him.
By the end of the summer, I would’ve barely scratched the surface of his layers, and by the end of the next, I would be a long-forgotten memory that he once considered an acquaintance, and within the next, I wouldn’t even be the person he once remembered.
I slipped back to a seat like a regular person and blinked as the blood rushed to the other parts of my body. But I didn’t waste a second as I stood, without sparing him a glance, and trudged my sinking heart to my room.
Hopefully, at least this time, you would learn you’re not that important to him, nor will you ever be, Sierra.
“Wait,” he called out, his voice gruff and deep, sending invisible shivers under my skin. “Don’t go. Come back.”
The foolish girl in me would rush to his side in a beat of a second, but I did have some dignity and self-respect. Victoria Chan would have my ass if she knew her daughter didn’t stand up for herself.
I slowly turned and came into sight of Matty standing, still in the same spot. I narrowed my gaze. “Why should I?” I asked, trying to steel my tone.
A helpless expression flickered in his eyes. “Because I shouldn’t have snapped at you like that. It was wrong of me when you’re just trying to be nice, when all you’ve ever been is nice. You don’t deserve me speaking to you like that. You caught me in a low mood, and I’m sorry,” he said, running a frustrated hand through his buzz-cut hair.
A simple sorry would’ve sufficed.
My betraying heart fluttered, and my feet carried me to him, my previous anger forgotten in an instant. Now, I wanted to soothe him and bring the light back to his eyes.
“Sorry,” he mumbled once again as he lowered himself back.
I took the usual spot that he had assigned to me. I didn’t say a thing as I watched him closely, and he just sighed.
“I’m just not used to this.”
I frowned. “Used to what?”
“People in my space. People asking me questions.”
I bit my lip. “It’s just that in my family, no one was ever allowed to be sad and sulk. My mom would give us two hours to fix our shit or else the entire family would intervene to cheer us up. My mom would make all our favorite dishes, and by the end of it, we wouldn’t even remember what made us sad in the first place.” A soft smile lifted my lips. “But I know that’s not how every family works, so I’m sorry I pried.”
“You didn’t.” His eyes locked on mine. “I don’t mind you prying.”
My cheeks burned with a blush as I nodded.
“It’s just that I have a lot on my mind recently. It’s a bad time of the year for me.”
“A bad time of the year?”
“It would be...” A swallow worked his throat. “Thirteen years since he died tomorrow. Truman. That was his name.”
Oh.
Now, my heart ached with different emotions. I wasn’t sure why, but his sadness became mine somewhere along the way.
“I understand,” I whispered, and without giving it much thought, I leaned over and grasped his huge hand in mine.
He stilled, watching me intently.
The warmth of his touch seeped into my skin. I slowly laced my fingers with his, feeling the rough calluses on his palm swallow my small hand.
On the surface, he was hard and rough, but he was still human on the inside.
And every human wanted a companion, needed a companion, especially in the dull, dark days.
“There,” I said, smiling as I held his hand. “Now, I’ll be there with you in your peace and quiet.”
His gaze grew intense, almost as if he was drilling my soul with his eyes. It took a long moment before he nodded, and the lines on his face softened as he slumped back on the couch, the tension in his muscles falling away.
And we stayed like that, for how long I had no idea, but the grip of his hand tightened ever so slightly by the moment while he absentmindedly ran his thumb over the back of my hand.
And every time he did that, a surging spark riddled my heart. I disregarded my hormonal feelings because that wasn’t important right now.
He was.
I had no clue when I’d fallen asleep because when I woke up later that day, I was curled on the couch with a soft blanket draped over me, a blanket that smelled like him, musky wood and amber, but he was nowhere in sight.
My heart still hurt for him. I still didn’t know what kind of connection he had with Truman, but I arrived at the conclusion that he was the one who taught Matty everything about music.
And music was Matty’s life, so he must’ve had a great impact on his life.
I mean, he definitely must’ve because Matty was still here, today, years later, keeping the dream of his friend alive.
He was a good friend.
A good man.
I sighed, thinking about how he would be tomorrow. And just like that, an idea popped into my head. I knew exactly what to do. Exactly what would give him some semblance of comfort on the day that’d been haunting him for the past thirteen years.
MATT
I tossed my restless body on the bed, my back feeling stiff like a brick despite the cloud-like softness of my mattress.
I’d been doing that for hours now, sleep being the last thing on my mind, which was plagued by a dark cloud.
It was expected, considering l’d experienced the same flow of events every year since that day. For a week, I withdrew into myself as sadness swallowed me like a heavy mist.
But once, just once in all these years, the mist cleared. It was momentary, but it was because of her.
Sadness and Sierra could never be mentioned in the same sentence.
She was joy in a dull midnight sky.
Like a firecracker bursting with colors, those specks of light sparkling up the sky, that was who she was. Not a mere sunshine that shares its light. She was a firecracker, bright, loud, and so full of life.
So opposite the quiet, dull life I led.
Giving up, I pulled my body out of bed to see the faint rays of sunrise peeked through the blinds.
As soon as I stepped outside, a faint smell of spices lingered in the air. What was it?
Frowning, I followed it all the way to the kitchen and came to a stop at the threshold.
“Ama! I’m listening, listening, sorry. But can you please repeat that one more time, pretty please? Your daughter has been studying too hard recently, so her brain is all over the place,” Sierra moaned into the phone she held between her shoulder and ear.
I was one hundred percent certain that the last line was a lie. Sierra Chan liked everything except studying, at least from my observation of her, and I did watch her a lot, so I think I could come to that conclusion. Or maybe she did study. Sometimes she stayed holed up in her room for hours.
Standing up in front of the stove with her long hair held in a topknot by a pencil, Sierra had her face lined with deep concentration as she nodded to whatever her mom was saying.
The breakfast table was filled. Hardly a spot was missing. There were several dishes laid out—steaming buns, some kind of dough sticks, buttered greens, pancakes and waffles, boiled eggs, syrups and sauces of all kinds, my usual tray of green apple caramel muffins that was almost always magically stocked, and a jar of what could be my caramel mocha latte.
The smell wafting through the air made my stomach rumble, and my eyes couldn’t help but follow her as she added cubed carrots and stirred them in.
When the hell did she have the time to do all this?
“Okay, Ama, bye. Love you,” she said, sighing as she set the phone aside and brought the ladle to her mouth. Her pink lips blew out a few breaths before she tasted it.
A smile lit up her face as she happily nodded and put the ladle back inside the pot.
Leaning in, she pressed a button on her phone, and the opening chords to one of our earlier numbers crackled through the air, followed by the heavy arrangement of my beats, but Emmie’s voice never came through.
It was an isolated instrumental piece.
Hmm, I thought she wasn’t a fan, and this wasn’t even our popular number, yet here she was shaking her ass to it.
My breath hitched, and heat pooled into every crevice of my body when she bent lower to retrieve something from the oven. Her tiny boy shorts riddled higher, revealing the creamy curve of her round ass, an ass that I shouldn’t be staring at, but then when it came to her, at this point, I wasn’t really surprised.
As I stood there, I didn’t know what I was more hungry for. The food or her ?
“Jeez.” Her eyes widened as she jumped, and the tray she held in her hand shook. I was by her side before she could even take her next breath.
Grabbing a towel, I took the hot tray far away from her before it could cause some serious damage.
“Sorry,” she mumbled, her eyes still wide as her gaze roamed over my body. The pinks in her cheeks deepened by the second as her eyes went lower and lower down my body.
“You’re shirtless,” she muttered in a shocked whisper.
And instead of running a mile in the opposite direction, I took a step toward her instead.
One.
Two.
Three.
Till her back hit the countertop, and an inch separated us. Hooking a finger, I lifted her chin, bringing those beautiful eyes back to me.
The heat from her skin flowed to mine, and her beautiful hazel eyes stared back at me with so much innocence and trust that it made me want to keep her in my arms and never let go.
Ever.
My height swallowed her small frame, her chin barely touched my chest, and it only ticked my protective instincts more.
“Sierra,” I said in a throaty whisper.
“Yes?” she whispered, licking her lips.
Those plush, soft pink lips that I wanted pressing over mine while I traced their softness, taste, and warmth with my own lips.
My fascination—my unredeemable, unexplainable, unfounded fascination with her—wasn’t confusion, and it certainly wasn’t a clueless intrigue. It wasn’t lust or mere attraction. It was yearning.
I yearned for Sierra Chan like she was the air that flamed my soul.
A firecracker that sparked my entire being in bright, loud colors.
But I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I glided my thumb across her full bottom lip, and her breaths came out in rasps as her pupils widened. This close, I could see the fiery amber specks lining her iris, adding warmth to her hazel eyes.
She was so fucking beautiful that it hurt my chest.
“You’re beautiful,” I muttered.
She swallowed. “I am?”
“Of course you are,” I said, satisfaction flooding my blood when the pinks in her cheeks spread across to the tops of her chest, peeking through the zipper of her hoodie.
As I leaned closer, logic and order fled my brain.
I knew I shouldn’t be doing this.
I knew I shouldn’t be crossing this line.
I knew this was going to be a bad fucking idea.
But practicality be fucked to hell.
I’d happily pay the price of burning in hell for the taste of her lips.
She looked at me expectantly as my fingers under her chin glided over to cup her cheek, and just as I hovered my lips over her, barely an inch away…
“Yo, is that Mom’s congee I smell?” That brat’s voice filtered through the room, and my little firecracker yelped and jumped away from me like her ass was on fire.
She clutched her heart, her face red as a ripe cherry as she gaped at me from the other side of the breakfast table.
Just that second, Raphael entered the room. Pausing over the doorway, he frowned, his eyes sliding back and forth between us.
That brat had the worst timing in the entire fucking universe.
But maybe… just maybe it was for the best because I really shouldn’t be doing this, right?
Sierra was a treasure among the leeches, and her parents trusted me to protect and keep her safe, certainly not letting my insidious thoughts corrupt their sweet, innocent daughter.
Sierra was unabashedly beautiful in every possible way, and not just in the way she looked but the way she simply was… like she was made for me. She did things to me that no woman had ever done in my life, and I was hooked, like a permanent marker.
But my head told me I wasn’t right for her.
Sierra was still young. She had so much more to experience, so much more to see. She deserved to be with someone close to her age and explore all that life could offer her.
I wasn’t the right fit for that.
It was dauntingly hard, but I knew what I had to do.
I needed to get away and keep my desires to myself.
“Uhm, why does it feel like the air is zapping my skin alive?” Raphael remarked, a smile tugging his lips.
“It’s not,” I replied flatly. It would probably be best if I put a shirt on, but Sierra didn’t meet my eyes as I padded out of the room.
It was probably for the best, right?
If so, then why did that not sit right with me at all?
By the time I made it back to the kitchen, Raphael had disappeared, and the breakfast table was clear. Spinning back, I sauntered to the dining room instead.
And there she was, sitting right near the head of the table, where I made her sit all the time.
Her eyes found mine as I made my way across and dropped into my seat. Sierra usually wasn’t awake at this time, except for when she had her classes, so I wondered what the occasion was.
“I made you breakfast,” she mumbled, gesturing to all the dishes laid out in front of us. “So you could feel a lot better today.” She slid a shy smile my way.
I froze as my eyes shot to her, and it was only then that I realized what I’d told her yesterday.
She did this all for me ?
Why was this woman being so sweet, kind, and beautiful like this?
Keeping my myself away from Sierra was going to be the hardest fucking thing I would ever do in my life.
“Thank you,” I said, and before I could stop myself, my hand clasped over hers on the table, and I squeezed. “Thank you, Sierra. This means a lot.”
The full-blown smile she gave me had her adorable dimples pop out, and a heavy hand clamped over my heart at that sight.
She nudged a small bowl my way, the smile still plastered over her lips. “This is my mom’s congee, and I swear it has the power to heal your soul.”
“Thank you.” I nodded gratefully as I retrieved it from her.
She then proceeded to fill my plate with an unprecedented amount of food that would possibly be a few thousand calories, but I would gladly eat it all.
I would eat anything she cooked for me.
I cleared my throat. “About earlier…” I started, hating that I had to do this.
“Yeah?” she mumbled, and pink bloomed her cheeks once again.
“It shouldn’t happen again, Sierra,” I said softly. “I’m sorry I came on like that. But it was a…” I didn’t want to say mistake because it wasn’t, and I didn’t want to lie to her. “We just…we just can’t do that.”
Some light dimmed from her eyes and her smile faded. But still, she nodded. “I understand.”
Thankfully, the awkwardness in the air didn’t last long after I praised her exceptional cooking. I’d never had a traditional Chinese breakfast before. While Sierra did announce to me this wasn’t really traditional like her mom made, it was still the most unbelievably delicious food I’d ever put inside my mouth.
Or maybe it was because of the fact that she made it for me
“You okay?” she asked as we put the last dish away.
“I am, actually,” I replied.
In all these years, I’d only ever mourned his loss rather than celebrating his memory, and I’d never been at peace with his death more than I was at this moment.
“And it’s all thanks to you and your mother’s amazing recipe. I’m grateful for your presence in my life, Sierra.”
Her lashes fluttered across her cheeks. “Thank you, but we should make all his favorite foods next time. That’s what most people do.” She slid her eyes to me, which soon widened. “I mean, you can make next year since I probably wouldn’t be here.”
“I could invite you.”
“You would?” she asked, surprised.
“Sure, why not? You would go to college in the city, right?”
“Ah, yes, I would. But it’s not like we would keep in touch.”
“You have my number, Sierra,” I said, leaning against the counter. “I just don’t give that to anyone.”
“So I can call you anytime?”
“Yes. You can call me anytime.”
She nodded, smiling.
“How are your classes going?”
“My classes, ugh.” A nervous laugh left her lips as her eyes darted around the room like laser beams. “Great, they’re going great. I mean, why wouldn’t they be going great? Cells, human bodies, blood, and whatnot. It’s just so much fun.”
“Did you always want to be a doctor?” I asked, curious. It wasn’t something I would picture her as—not because I questioned her capability, but because I believed she could do anything. But I had a feeling it wasn’t something she wanted to be. Maybe it was because of her lack of enthusiasm or just too much of it whenever she talked about it.
My question froze her on the spot, and she slowly lifted her gaze from the floor. For a long moment, she just stared at me with a lost look in her eyes, almost as if she was deeply thinking about something, before she said, “No, it’s not what I want.” Her voice was weighted with sadness.
“Then why?” I tilted my head. “Why did you pick it?”
“I didn’t,” she whispered. “My mom did.”
“What is it that you truly want to do?”
“Something else…” She hesitated, sighing. “Something a bit more me, I guess.”
“Which is?”
“I can’t really tell, not now… maybe someday.” She gave me a small smile.
I nodded slowly.
The more I learned about her, the more she intrigued me. We all had our fair share of secrets, and she must have a pretty good reason for not telling me, but still, I wanted to know.
I wasn’t usually the type to pry, but all bets were off when it came to Sierra Chan.
I was becoming a man I didn’t recognize, and I wasn’t sure how I felt about that.
But one thing was for sure: I can’t entertain our relationship into more than what it already was. Somehow, I had a feeling that the hardest thing I would ever do was stay away from her, but I had no other choice.
Sierra can’t be mine.