Chapter 16 #2
“Oh?” she asks. “Why didn’t you tell me? EJ did you know?”
“Sort of, mom.” He shrugs, frowning at me.
“Sort of?” she asks him.
“It’s complicated,” I answer for him. “So, he didn’t know until recently.”
“Why?” she asks, sounding more and more suspicious with each passing second.
“He plays with EJ on the team. We didn’t want anything to mess with their friendship or their dynamic on the ice, so we kept it quiet until we knew what this is.”
There’s silence on the other end, before. “And what is this?”
“Well, we’re getting married.”
The air shifts and there’s a sharp inhale. “I’m sorry, say that again?” my mom says, her voice cautious.
“I’m marrying him,” I repeat, silently wincing. “Today. At city hall.”
“Avah Linnea Johansson, are you getting married to stay in that country? If so, I’ll be the first to set the department of homeland security on you.
You haven’t even dealt with your previous relationship, not even spoken to the man you would’ve been married to today!
You’re my only daughter. How can you get married in a different country, without either of your parents there?
And what about your father? He’s always wanted to walk you down the aisle and now you’re getting married to a stranger across the ocean. ”
Her voice cracks and I know she’s fighting back tears.
EJ is rubbing at his temples, looking like he’s trying to stave off a migraine. Leaning back on the couch, I hope I can somehow find the words to make her accept this.
“Mom—”
“Marriage is not about running away—” she starts.
“This is not me running away,” I say, defensively.
“This is me building something new. We’ve thought this through.
Declan and I want the same thing and that’s why this makes so much sense right now.
Going to city hall might not be what you or dad wants for me, but it’s what I need to do.
This marriage will give me peace of mind. ”
“And what about peace of heart?” she asks, catching me off guard.
My heart isn’t part of the equation, which is part of the reason I freely entered into this agreement with Declan. It’s safe, it has rules and clear set expectations from both parties.
I can’t answer her, my gaze flicks to EJ in panic, pleading with him to help me.
“Mom, this might feel sudden to you and dad, but Avah’s thought hard about this. Plus, I’ve known Declan for a couple of years now—he’s a good guy.”
EJ clearly means it, but he doesn’t look at me, instead he’s frowning and looking at his hands. This whole ordeal with Axel not only influenced my own trust when it comes to relationships, but also his when it comes to friendships.
“Are you supporting this, EJ?” my mom asks. “We haven’t even met him, Avah. How do we know he’s going to treat you well? How do we know he’ll be a good husband to you?”
I sigh, fighting back tears. How does anyone know any of these things?
“You knew Axel for years, Mom. He sat at our dinner table. Dad gave him permission to marry me. And look how well that turned out.”
“Avah—”
“No, mom,” I interrupt, tired of this whole thing.
“This is my decision. I tried the romantic route. The one with wedding dates and dresses and long-term relationships that involved everyone’s aunt and their dog.
It didn’t work out. I followed the right steps and still I got butchered in the end. I won’t allow that to happen again.”
There’s silence from the other side. EJ looks at me, a bit of understanding filling his gaze, for which I’m grateful.
“I’ll be there with her, Mom,” EJ says. “I’ll send photos and I’m sure after the ceremony, Avah will properly introduce you to Declan.”
I nod, not sure how we’ll do this. No matter what we do, my parents will feel like they’re missing out because it’s not easy for us to visit each other. Especially if I’m going to apply for my green card…I’m pretty sure that means I can’t leave the country until it’s all finalized and approved.
“We’ll arrange a video call, and the first opportunity we get, we’ll visit.”
There’s silence from the other end of the phone and my heart aches because of it.
“Mom, I know this isn’t what you hoped for.” I hate feeling like I’ve disappointed my parents, but I also know that they have more faith in us, and in God, than they sometimes let on.
“I’d hoped you’d be coming back home to bury the past and move on with your life,” she says, her voice cracking. “I don’t want this setback to throw your whole life off course, Avah. You need to move forward.”
“I’m still moving forward,” I say, feeling resigned. “Just not in the way you thought I would, Mom. I know this is hard to understand, but I know what I’m doing.”
Or at least, I’m willing to do this. I’m going into this with my eyes open.
She sighs. “I place you in God’s Hands, alskling”, she says, calling me her darling.
“It’s my hope that God blesses you and this man.
We may not know him, but God knows him and He knows his heart.
I’m going to keep faith that God has set this path for you, and that He will keep you.
May your marriage be filled with happiness, Avah.
Happiness, kindness, patience and love too. ”
I’m not sure that there will be love, but I’m sure our marriage can have all the rest as long as we do what we’re supposed to do.
I wipe at the tear slipping over my cheek at the blessing from my mother.
“I love you, Mamma.”
Her blessing doesn’t exactly calm me. But it still brings comfort…
laced with a warning. God knows my heart.
He also knows Declan’s. I’m not sure whether this marriage is His will or if it’s my desperation alone.
It might not matter because by this time tomorrow we’ll be bound together whether we were meant to be or not.
And still it will be in His hands. Because nothing is ever outside of Him.
* * *
Walking up the steps of city hall, I’m hyper-aware of everything and everyone around me. There’s a line of people waiting to get married, bouquets clutched in the hands of most of them. My own feel empty as I tug at the dress I got two hours ago.
I might not be carrying flowers, but at least I managed to get a new dress. The pearl fabric drapes in a way that leaves my back open, stopping just below the knees. It’s not the wedding dress of my dreams—a far cry from it—but it’s beautiful enough for today.
I cling to EJ’s arm as he leads me through the entrance, following invisible directions toward a quieter part of city hall.
“Are you okay?” EJ asks, pulling me to a stop just as Declan and another man come into view.
Declan’s gaze lands on me. His frown deepens, tugging on the tie like it might be strangling him. Relief flashes in his eyes before he covers it…but I catch it.
“I’m fine,” I breathe. “I’m allowed to be a little nervous, right?”
EJ nods slightly. “Just say the word, and we’ll leave, lillasyster.”
I look up at my big brother, knowing he means every word. He’s always protected me and he will continue to do so no matter how complicated the situation.
“I love you, EJ,” I say, placing my palm against his cheek. “But I want to do this.”
He nods, squeezing my hand before leading me toward Declan. Relief floods his dark features. His hair looks deliberately mussed, his face freshly shaven and he looks handsome in his suit. He always looks great in a suit—I’d know, I see him on game days when he’s dressed to the nines.
But somehow this is different. He’s wearing a suit to marry me.
“You’re just on time, Snowflake,” he says, his gaze moving over me, taking me in. For a second he pauses, looking into my eyes, a rare moment of mutual vulnerability passing between us. We’re actually doing this.
EJ clears his throat and Declan swallows, tearing his eyes away from me.
“This is my brother, Brady,” he says, gesturing to the man in a suit, whose phone is apparently glued to his ear. “Also my agent, and the agent of many others. As you can see, he never sleeps.”
Brady nods, before turning away from us and continuing his intense conversation.
“Murphy,” EJ says. “Can I have a minute?”
Declan nods and the two of them move out of earshot. Their voices are low, but tension is clear from across the room. By the look of the serious expression on their faces, it’s obviously a threat from EJ and reassurance from Declan.
Men.
Brady steps up to me, ending his call and looking over to where my brother is talking to Declan. Brady has light hair and grey eyes…he doesn’t look anything like Declan.
“I hope no one throws a punch,” he says, his voice gruff. “We can’t afford any setbacks.”
“They’ll behave,” I say, glaring at EJ just in case. “My brother isn’t someone who causes trouble.”
“But your fiancé is,” Brady says dryly. He sighs deeply, looking like’s contemplating something. “Even though it’s only been two days, I can see something has…shifted.” He turns toward me, a slight flicker of worry crossing his face. “Are you ready for all of this?”
I’ve thought about that a lot. There are a lot of things we’re not sure of, a lot of factors that will play into our arrangement. But I have this deep sense of certainty that this is the right thing to do.
“I might not be entirely ready, but I have peace with my decision. Does that make sense?” I ask him.
He searches my eyes for a second. “For some reason Declan refuses to do relationships the normal way. He’s never been with a woman where an arrangement wasn’t in place.
This will be the first long-term arrangement, so it’s different.
But I guess when both of you are entering into this with an open mind, it minimizes the possibility of drama. ”
“I don’t like drama,” I reassure him.
He looks over his shoulder to where Declan is still talking to my brother. “For what it’s worth, I think this will do him good. He needs stability, even though he might not see it yet.”