Chapter 19
19
Where was it?
Laura’s open suitcase was on the floor of the spare bedroom in La Maisonette. The child’s bedroom that Ellie had decorated so beautifully with the frieze of flowers on the walls and the freshly painted cot that Laura had come in to gaze at, more than once, during her stay here – her eyes misty, her hand on her belly – dreams of the future drifting past like cotton wool clouds in a summer sky.
It was the first day of the new year and, as corny as it had always sounded, it was also the first day of the rest of Laura’s life and she was packing to go home and get on with it.
But she couldn’t find her woolly hat. The dark green one with the faux fur pompom that matched her scarf and gloves. Laura bent down to shift the jacket of her wedding outfit, which could be disguising the hat by being the same colour. Losing things was careless and carelessness was unacceptable – because that was tempting fate to take control completely out of your own hands – so Laura was determined to find the hat, but it didn’t appear to be in the suitcase.
She’d been wearing it last night, hadn’t she? Yes… If she closed her eyes, she could feel the way Noah’s fingers had slid beneath the hat to bury themselves in her hair while he kissed her completely senseless.
It must be in the rental car, she decided, straightening up to go downstairs. A wave of dizziness made her catch the door frame and, while it subsided swiftly, it left a throbbing sensation in her head. She took great care going down that narrow staircase in the cottage and made a mental note that she wanted the new house she was about to start looking for to be single level. You wouldn’t want to fall with a baby in your arms any more than when you were pregnant.
The hat wasn’t anywhere to be found in the car.
Had she dropped it? Was it on the road near the chapel?
It wouldn’t take long to take that small diversion on the way to the airport tomorrow, but it would be a good idea to make a note of that intention. Laura looked around the living area of the cottage. She always carried a notebook and pen in her shoulder bag, but where was it?
Another wave of dizziness hit her and, this time, Laura could feel the prickle of perspiration on her skin. It was too warm in this wee house. Which was odd, because she’d only lit the fire a little while ago as daylight began fading and she needed a cheering light as much as the warmth. Her head was definitely aching now, so Laura abandoned the hunt for either her hat or her bag. She needed to go upstairs and find her toilet bag because she knew it contained a blister pack of paracetamol.
Oh, wait… was it safe to take paracetamol when you were pregnant? Where was her phone, so she could do an internet search?
And who was knocking on the door? Ellie?
Laura tried to take a deep breath to slow down thoughts that were oddly fuzzy around the edges but it wasn’t working. Even the air felt too hot and it was hurting her chest.
* * *
Noah stood under the bare branches of the rose-covered archway outside La Maisonette’s front door, a dark green hat clutched in his hand.
He’d picked it up last night as the taillights of Laura’s rental car vanished around the corner. He’d forgotten all about it today – the first day of this new year. No, that was not true. Ignoring the hat had been deliberate. If he’d picked it up, he wouldn’t have been able to resist scrunching it in his hands and holding it to his face to smell the scent of Laura’s hair that he knew would be clinging to the soft wool.
He would remember, too clearly, sliding his fingers under the hat to cradle Laura’s face while he kissed her, and he didn’t want to think about that kiss.
About how empty he’d felt when he saw the lights of her car blink into darkness.
But it had been his fault that Laura had lost her hat. He must have pushed it off her head without realising it, and returning it was the right thing to do.
So here he was, but it didn’t seem as if Laura was home. He reached to rap the brass hand of the door knocker against its apple a little harder but, as he did so, the door opened. Laura was standing there and she looked…
…like a ghost. So pale he could see tiny freckles on her nose and cheeks that he’d never noticed before.
‘ Laura …’ Noah’s heart clenched as hard as his hand was holding that hat. ‘What’s wrong?’
‘I… I don’t know…’ Her voice sounded as pale as her skin. ‘I’m not… feeling very well.’
Any plan to simply hand back the hat and assure Laura that he would be in touch very soon to discuss the arrangements that needed to be made regarding their future had already evaporated. The hat fell to the ground a second time as Noah caught Laura before she fell and picked her up in his arms to carry her to the couch. He put a cushion under her head and a rug across her body and then pulled out his phone.
‘Julien? Tu es à la maison mon ami? Nous avons besoin de toi. Laura est malade…’
His friend arrived within a couple of minutes, a doctor’s bag in his hand.
‘Laura?’ He crouched beside the sofa and put the fingers of one hand on her wrist and then on her forehead. ‘You have a fever,’ he told her. ‘How long have you been feeling sick?’
‘It came on r-really s-suddenly.’ Despite the fire and the blanket, Laura was starting to shiver violently. ‘I f-felt dizzy…’
‘Do you have a headache?’
She nodded.
‘Aches and pains?’
Laura nodded again. She looked so miserable that Noah wanted to get closer. To hold her hand and tell her that everything was going to be okay. He couldn’t interfere with what Julien was doing, however, as his friend took small packets from his bag.
‘Tip your head back,’ he instructed Laura. ‘I’m going to put a swab into your nose. I’m sorry, it won’t be comfortable.’
‘You think I have Covid?’ Laura tilted her head and screwed her eyes shut.
‘This test is for Covid, influenza A and B and RSV . I think it’s likely you have one of those viruses. Luckily we can do it all with one swab.’
It didn’t take long to get the result.
‘Influenza A,’ Julien pronounced. ‘I’m not surprised. There’s a lot of it around at the moment. I’m sorry, Laura, you won’t be flying home tomorrow.’
‘But…’
‘You can’t spread the infection,’ Julien said sternly. ‘Influenza can be a serious illness. You don’t have any medical conditions I should know about, do you? Like asthma or diabetes?’
‘No… I’m just… pregnant.’
‘And that also means that you have to take extra care.’
It didn’t seem possible but Noah could swear Laura had just become even paler. ‘It’s dangerous?’ she whispered. ‘For the baby?’
He could hear the fear in her voice.
He could feel how much she cared about this baby.
How much she wanted it.
Noah would never have chosen to have this baby in his life but he didn’t want anything bad to happen to it, either. Because that would hurt Laura and he cared about her.
Too much…
‘There is a higher risk of complications,’ Julien admitted gently. ‘It’s a very good thing you are well past your first trimester, and it’s very unlikely to be harmful to the bébé but, to be safe, you need to go to bed and rest. I’m going to go to the pharmacie and get you a course of antiviral tablets and some anti-inflammatoires .’ He lifted his hand as Laura opened her mouth to protest. ‘They’re perfectly safe to take when you’re pregnant and they will make the illness less severe. I will send Ellie over to take care of you. She’s with Theo and Pascal and she will be worried.’
‘No…’ Laura was shaking her head. ‘She can’t come. I don’t want her to get sick as well.’
‘I’ll stay.’ The words came out of Noah’s mouth before he’d realised he was even thinking of it, and they came out with enough emphasis to be a little embarrassing. He shrugged it off. ‘I’m already here.’
Not that he was going to tell Julien, but if he was going to catch the illness, it would have already happened during that kiss last night. There was no way he could walk away from Laura in any case. Not when she needed help.
When she needed him …
‘ D’accord …’ Julien snapped the catches shut on his bag. ‘I will be back soon.’ He smiled at Laura. ‘Ellie can go to the supermarché first thing tomorrow and bring everything you might need for the next few days and we can help with changing your tickets. Try not to worry. You will feel better soon, I promise.’
Noah followed Julien to the door where he could ask his own questions without Laura hearing the answers. Not that she would have followed the rapid French, but she might have picked up on his concern about possible complications. It was apparently a good thing she was this far along in the pregnancy because it could have caused major issues earlier. There was still a risk of miscarriage, however. And pneumonia. He had a list of symptoms to watch out for, like a really high fever. Confusion. Difficulty breathing. Signs that Laura was sick enough to need to go to hospital. Signs that her baby might be in danger.
Non … There was no way Noah was going anywhere.
* * *
The warmth and softness around her was as comforting as a mother’s embrace but it wasn’t enough to stop the pain, as deep and sharp as a toothache, that had spread throughout Laura’s whole body. It wasn’t enough to stop the shivering, either, but how could she be so cold and feel like she was melting in overwhelming heat at the same time?
There was something worse than confusion to be felt, however. There was fear. Fear that control had been ripped out of her hands.
Fear that she was in the middle of losing something very, very important.
She had to fight to open her eyes. And then she had to ride another wave of pain at the impact of light that felt far too bright. She screwed her eyes almost closed again but she could still see the iron bars right in front of her face.
Like the bars of a jail. The idea of being locked away added another note to that fear but Laura knew where she was. She was in the antique iron and brass bed in the upstairs bedroom of La Maisonette. It was daylight but the last thing Laura could remember clearly was getting the fire started downstairs because daylight was starting to fade and it was getting so cold. And… and she’d lost something. Or had that been a dream? Noah had been there. And Julien and Ellie, who had looked as scared as Laura was feeling now.
A sound that was intended to be a groan escaped her throat. Or tried to. Her throat hurt and her mouth was too dry to make it anything more than a croaky breath, but there was an instant response.
‘Laura? Es-tu réveillée, chérie ? Are you awake?’
With another effort, Laura turned her head. What on earth was Noah doing in her bedroom? He had a glass of water in his hand and she suddenly realised how thirsty she was. Her hand was shaky as she reached for the glass. She needed help to take a sip. And then another.
‘It’s time for your pills,’ Noah said. ‘Let me help you sit up.’
He put more pillows behind her and a small blanket around her shoulders. A soft, yellow blanket that Laura had seen somewhere before…
In the other bedroom. Tucked over the mattress in the baby’s cot.
She gasped, sharply enough to create a stab of pain on top of the steady throbbing in her head.
‘What is it?’ The concern in Noah’s voice was just as sharp.
‘The baby…’
‘The baby’s fine. Julien has checked the heartbeat. When you are better, he is going to take you to his hospital for a… I don’t know what it is in English – un examen échographique .’
Laura’s hand had gone to her belly and she was aware of two things within seconds. The first was that the baby seemed aware of the pressure of her hand because it moved beneath it. Just a tiny ripple but it was so reassuring. The second was that she was wearing her soft organic bamboo pyjamas and she had no memory of putting them on. Or of taking off her clothes.
The light hurt all over again as her eyes widened. ‘How did I get into bed? Did you?—?’
‘ Non, non … Ellie helped you get into bed. And she brought everything. Drinks and soup and a… bouillotte .’
‘I don’t know what that is.’ Ellie took one of the pills from the palm of Noah’s hand. She didn’t know what these pills were either, but she had an absolute trust that Noah wouldn’t be giving her anything that could cause harm. He looked… tired, she thought. Had he been sitting beside her bed all night? But he was smiling. As if he was happy to be here.
Caring for her…?
‘A bouillotte has hot water in it,’ he said, as she took a second tablet. ‘It helps when muscles are painful. These pills will help also. For la grippe . The influenza.’
The hot water bottle was there beside her in the bed. Noah took it after she’d taken the last pill.
‘I will make it hot again. Do you think you could drink a little soup if I bring some?’
‘I think I just want to go to sleep…’ She couldn’t stop her eyes drifting shut as her words faded. She felt the duvet being pulled up around her shoulders as she wrapped both her arms around herself. Around her bump. She thought she felt the brush of a kiss on her hair but maybe she was dreaming again already.
* * *
It was dark when she woke the next time. The lamp on the bedside table was on but the light was gentle enough not to hurt her eyes. Or maybe she was feeling better? There was a chair in the room that hadn’t been there before. No… it was a beanbag, Laura decided. And Noah was sitting in it. Asleep.
She’d never seen him asleep before, she realised. His face was softened and that wicked glint in his eyes shuttered. He was…
…absolutely the most gorgeous man she’d ever seen. Even now, with a dark shadow of stubble on his jaw and his tousled hair looking like it hadn’t seen a comb for days. She was probably looking just as bad herself. Laura put a hand to her own hair and felt her fingers tangle in the knotted waves.
‘ Ouch …’
Noah’s eyes opened instantly. ‘ ?a va ? Are you okay?’
‘My hair is a rat’s nest.’
She could see Noah smiling. ‘I didn’t know you had curls in your hair like Ellie does. Not until I saw you at Christmas time.’
‘That’s because I’ve always straightened it.’ Laura put her hand over her eyes. ‘I hate anybody seeing me like this.’
‘Why?’ Noah sounded genuinely puzzled. ‘Your hair is even more beautiful like this. Les cheveux bouclés te vont vraiment bien .’ He gave that very French kind of shrug that said he was right but that others were free to disagree. ‘More importantly, are you feeling better?’
‘I think so. My body doesn’t hurt so much at the moment.’
‘I will make you some tea. And get you some more pills.’
When Noah returned, Laura was trying, unsuccessfully, to comb her hair with her fingers. Noah put a mug down on the table and some pills beside it. He lifted an eyebrow as he saw what she was doing.
‘You really want to make it straight again, don’t you?’
Laura nodded. Her smile felt creaky. ‘I do love my straighteners,’ she confessed. She picked up the mug and took a sip of the warm, sweet tea. Then she took the pills as Noah settled back on the beanbag. ‘Sometimes,’ she said, ‘I wish I had some really, really big straighteners so that I could use them to make the knots in life go away. Annoying things like unpleasant people or a house so full of rubbish you can’t possibly show a client through.’
Noah’s breath was a huff of soft laughter. ‘If only the knots in life could be straightened so easily.’
‘Most knots can be. You just need to do it a little bit at a time.’
There was a moment’s silence as Laura took another sip of the tea. She didn’t normally have sugar in any drink, but this tasted so wonderful it was a shame when the mug was empty.
‘Would you like some more?’
‘Later…’ Laura snuggled back under the duvet. ‘Don’t go…’
She could feel her eyes drifting shut again when the silence was broken by Noah. He was speaking so softly it almost sounded as if he was thinking out loud.
‘Why is it that you need to control your curls, mon coeur ? What are you afraid is going to happen if you don’t keep such a tight hold on it?’
Laura didn’t open her eyes. She didn’t speak for a long moment, either, but there were words that wanted to come out in this quiet, semi-dark space. With this man whom she trusted so completely.
‘It’s not so much the bad things that happen,’ she said slowly. ‘Even if they hurt.’ She let her breath out in a sigh. ‘It’s because it’s your fault. Because you didn’t do something you were supposed to do.’
‘Like what?’
‘Like putting the toys away so that Dada falls over when he comes home from work… or the pub… and he’s hurt his head and he’s angry. So angry…’ Her breath hitched. ‘He pushes me over when I try and pick up the toys and I’m crying and he hits Mam when she tries to get to me and her mouth is bleeding and she’s scared and… she tells me to look after Fi and Ellie. To hide until it’s over…’
Laura could feel the tears on her cheeks. Oh, help… she’d never said anything like this. To anyone. Ever…
She was too weak thanks to this horrible virus, that’s what it was. She had lost control. And now that she’d started, she couldn’t stop.
‘…until real Dada comes back,’ she added.
‘Who’s “real Dada”?’ There was a catch in Noah’s voice that was an echo of what Laura could feel in her heart.
That broken bit…
‘The one who smiles and swings you up in his arms to kiss hullo.’ Laura’s voice was only a whisper. ‘The one who tells you that you’re the best and the most beautiful girl in the whole, wide world.’ She could feel her words slowing down as sleep reached out to claim her again. ‘The one who says, “I love you so much, Lulu”…’
* * *
It was like a rollercoaster, this illness. Laura seemed to be getting better but then her temperature would spike and she would be shivering and miserable again. She slept a great deal and was so weak and wobbly she needed help to get to the bathroom and then back to bed again. Noah had been on high alert for the symptoms he’d been warned to watch out for, but the medications seemed to be doing their job and her fever never got too high, her breathing was good and she wasn’t at all confused, although he suspected she would never normally have talked about things that were so private.
Like her father.
Noah’s heart was still aching for the child that Laura had been. He had wanted to reach back into the past and comfort her. To tell her that none of it was her fault. He wanted to tell her that she didn’t need to spend the rest of her life trying to control and straighten everything in the world to keep the people she loved safe.
But he’d also wanted to tell her that she had the biggest heart of anyone he’d ever met and he wouldn’t want to change anything about her. That it felt like a privilege that he had been able to meet the real Laura, who was so well hidden from everyone else.
He hadn’t said anything, of course. That would be overstepping boundaries and that couldn’t be allowed to happen just because he was tired and he’d spent too much time, too close to Laura. Noah hadn’t been home for two days and he was about to start the vigil of the third – hopefully the last – night before the corner was turned and recovery could be trusted.
He needed to go home but he was caught in a web he couldn’t break. He’d stayed because he couldn’t not stay when Laura needed him, and now he couldn’t leave because…
…because it was when he’d left Elise lying in her sick bed that she’d died. When she was having that seizure and he knew she might be dying but his mother said it was no place for a child and had sent him away. It had taken too many years to get rid of the irrational thought that, if he’d stayed, he could have kept her safe and he wouldn’t have lost the person he loved the most.
Laura wasn’t going to die. Julien had assured him that she was over the worst of this virus. She might even be well enough soon to go and have the check he wanted her to have for the baby. But, for some reason, deep down, being here felt like a long overdue apology to his sister. He was making up for not being there when he should have been. For her .
Maybe it was because of what Laura had said only a short time ago, after Ellie had been here to help her have a bath and brush her hair and she was back in bed and ready to sleep.
‘She’s the best sister anyone could ever have,’ Laura had said. ‘I love both my sisters, of course, but they’re so different. Fi was always worried about everything but Ellie was the happy one. She was always smiling. And dancing. And her laughter was like music.’ On the verge of sleep, there was a smile curving her lips. ‘I never dance.’ Her words were soft, as if she was sharing a shameful secret. ‘But when I hear Ellie laugh? I’m always dancing – on the inside.’
Her words had been echoing in his head ever since.
It had been exactly like that with Elise but he’d never been able to articulate it. The way the warmth of her smile could light up a room had been a joy, but her laughter had been like the purest kind of music and it had made his soul dance and he knew that was what it felt like to love someone that much.
And why he could never feel it again.
He knew that the flip side of being able to dance inside like that was a hole that was so deep and dark and painful that the prospect of falling into it again was terrifying. If you let yourself love someone, you would have to take that risk, and Noah had decided, as that forgotten teenager, that he was unlikely to survive a second fall like that.
He still got a glimpse of what it was like, though. He just hadn’t realised why it was that music was so important in his life. When he played his guitar and got lost in his music, was it because he could hear a note of Elise’s laughter?
Was it making him dance inside?