CHAPTER 18
PAST
MIKEY AGE 15
Every day recently felt like I’d been living inside a dark cloud. Like I’d been swallowed by the darkness with no way out.
The only person who brought in rays of light to my life was the person I’d been avoiding at all costs for the past few weeks, ever since that night.
It was all for her good .
But it was easier said than done. It felt like someone was cutting off both my legs while I was tied to the bed. I didn’t know how to be without her. A day wouldn’t go by without me seeing or talking to her, but now I rarely saw her.
I dodged every circumstance that put me in her vicinity.
But today, I had no excuse. She sent me a big text demanding to see me or else. I hadn’t seen her in a while, so I missed her.
My heart right about stopped when I neared her. She was sitting on a swing, a forlorn look crowding her face, and the only sound from the park was the creak of the swing.
Somehow, I knew that her sadness was because of me .
“You wanted to see me,” I said as I came to a stop in front of her.
She looked up, her violet eyes shining under the bright daylight. “Is that all you have to say to me, Mikey? I’ve been calling and texting you for weeks now, and you hardly come to see me. What’s happening?”
“Nothing.” I lifted a shoulder, feigning nonchalance. “I’ve just been busy.”
“Busy doing what? You come to see me every day, and now you’re avoiding me.”
“It’s not like that. I just want to play with the boys now, and I haven’t found the time to come see you. That’s all.”
“Play with the boys? You never liked to play with them.”
“Lily.” My gaze locked on hers. “I’m growing up now. I can’t be seen playing with a girl all the time.”
“What?” Her eyes glazed over, and it only made my heart hurt. “But you promised that you’ll always be my friend.”
The air I inhaled felt like it was on fire. I hated seeing her cry, but most of all, I hated being the reason that made her cry.
“Hey, you’re still my best friend.” I smiled, sad and broken on the inside. I just can’t discard her suddenly. I didn’t know how to do that. Maybe if I kept her at arm’s length, I could do this. I hadn’t had the urge since that night. Slowly, though, I’d be out of her life, so she could be safe and happy.
“You promise?” Her lips wobbled.
“Yes,” I lied, hugging her tight, probably for the last time, though.
One last time .
MIKEY AGE 16
I could feel her eyes on me.
As always, they followed me everywhere.
She thought it was subtle, and maybe it was, but to me, it never was.
Because I knew her like no one, every smile, every laugh, and every gesture of hers, I bore a silent witness.
I watched her like a creep these days in secret, though I acted like I hardly cared in front of her.
It was difficult since I had to see her every single day. We went to the same school and hung out in the same gang, so it was hard to just brush her off.
On the outside, it might look like childhood best friends who drifted apart, but it was anything but that.
We still talked, though not like before. At times, I gave in, but I made sure nothing made that urge sweep its way back into my blood.
“Yep, that’s the one. That’s perfect, man. Keep playing that riff right when I hit the chorus,” Emmie exclaimed.
I nodded as we continued our practice.
Lily and Katy huddled in their usual spot on the futon in Emmie’s garage, where we practiced every evening. Katy fiddled with her laptop, and Lily had her head buried in her sketch pad while she sneaked a few glances at me.
The whole time, I pretended like she didn’t even exist.
“You were amazing.” Lily smiled, sliding up to my side as soon as we finished. God, she’s only gotten more beautiful lately .
“I know,” I said, laying my guitar on the stand while I pulled out the wires.
I heard her exhale an audible sigh. “I finally signed up for the contest I told you about.”
“That’s great,” I mumbled like I didn’t care, but on the inside, I was so fucking proud. I knew how anxious she was to join it, not trusting her incredible ability. Her art was unlike anything I’d seen before, and I wasn’t much for them, but hers were different. They were moving in a way that felt like they were alive rather than some charcoal slapped on a paper.
“Well, do you want to see the sketch I’m submitting? I haven’t shown it to anyone,” she asked, her eyes gleaming hopefully.
“Sure, little mouse.”
The smile that split her lips just about told me I shouldn’t be doing this, but she was a craving that I just couldn’t cut off.
“Here.” She flicked through her book and handed me the paper shyly. “It’s just a simple landscape with two characters running on the hills. I don’t know what to call it yet.”
The manga-style imagery was captured vividly; the emotions of carefree happiness jumped from the page, bringing in a sense of nostalgia. It made a hard lump swamp my throat. “It’s beautiful, Lily. You could simply call it ‘Happiness.’ It’s a happy picture.”
She nodded, the smile still dancing on her face. “Yeah, it does look happy. ”
My eyes locked on hers for a second. I almost got lost before I diverted my attention and gave it back to her, mumbling good luck as I scurried out.
“Matty boy.” I clamped my hand around him. “You ready to have some fun tonight?” It was my cowardly way of getting away from her, putting on the skin of the jester, happy and carefree when in reality I was anything but. I contained a raging beast inside me, ready to pounce and take away something that it shouldn’t. And I won’t let that happen again.
“Yeah, fucker.” He rolled his eyes, swatting my hands away.
A laugh poured off me as we walked to the bonfire that we were all headed to tonight, including her. I could feel her eyes on me, following my every step, before she was right by my side.
“I didn’t see you at lunch today,” she said, her words hanging in the air.
I seethed on the inside because I fucking hated this. I hated that she was making small talk with me when all I wanted to do was talk to her for hours.
“Of course, he wasn’t at lunch today. He was with Claire,” Matty quipped, eyeing us both. He knew I had a soft spot for her, and he loved to rile up a reaction from me.
I gave him a sharp look and suppressed the heaviness that weighed me down when the smile fell off her face.
I wasn’t with Claire, not for the lack of trying on her part. It was clear that Claire wanted me, but I wasn’t in the right headspace to even think about it. Though our home was more peaceful, things between Mama and I weren’t the same now, and in the midst, I was kinda ghosting my best friend. My best friend, whom I considered mine already.
“Is Claire your girlfriend now?” she asked, her voice laced with hurt.
“No,” I said softly.
“Then are you guys dating?”
I shrugged. “Not really.”
“Okay,” she muttered.
I swallowed, hating the look on her face. “I watched the anime you were telling me about. It’s pretty great. It’s got some cool action sequences.”
“Really?” Her eyes glittered, just like I knew they would when we talked about anime. “I told you it was amazing! I’ve never been hooked on an anime like this for a while. I thought we could watch it together.”
“We still can.” I gave in like a sorry-ass loser.
“I would really love it. How about this Saturday afternoon?”
“Sounds good.” I grinned. The laughter and murmurs from the bonfire reached our ears just as we entered.
Since the boys and I started freshman year, we’d been going to plenty of parties. It was a great escape from reality for me. We even started drinking a bit, the buzz that it gave me made me forget the pain, but I always kept it with just a can or two. I knew not to get into that shit like that monster did.
Emmie gave me a sharp look when I sat next to Lily, grabbing a beer for myself. Although Emmie wasn’t vocal, he didn’t like me getting close to his sister. I mean, what brother would? No brother wanted their sister to be close to a boy who almost killed someone.
I didn’t care about him, though. I had bigger demons to fight, and the demons waging war inside my head were far scarier than he was.
“When did you start drinking?” Lily asked, her forehead creased in question. She usually wasn’t allowed to go to parties with us, but she tagged along after Katy begged Emmie that she needed Lily’s company. But the latter was busy coloring her day planner for the band.
Aside from the parties, music was what kept me alive these days. Though I complained about Emmie kicking our ass with practice, I craved it. I heard the music before I even played. It was a weird sense. I had no fucking clue I could play like that. I didn’t even go to class for it, but it came to me naturally. I tried the same with keys and drums, even a regular guitar, but no, it was just the bass.
“A bit, just here and there.” My thumb grazed over the drops of precipitation collecting on the cold bottle.
“Is that what the freshman boys think is cool these days?”
“Maybe. You’ll know when you’re a freshman.”
She scoffed, staring at her cola. “That is if my brother allows me to even step foot out. He won’t even let me wear makeup.”
“He just loves you.”
“I know, but sometimes it’s a bit too much.”
“You started to swim.”
Her gaze narrowed, wiping her hands on her pure black jeans. Lily has taken a liking to black recently. Everything she wore was black these days. “How do you know? ”
Fuck, I knew because I’d seen her swim, probably too many times to count, in secret, though. “I heard Emily talking about it,” I lied. It wasn’t like she was going to question her mother.
“Oh, Mom’s proud that I picked up a sport.”
“She should be.”
“I heard your mom and you moved to a new place. Why didn’t you tell me? And your mom divorced your dad? Is that why you’ve been sad lately?” Her voice was soft.
My hand froze on the bottle, and there was a ringing sound in my ear. “No, I don’t really care about that.” No one except for Emmie knew about my fucked-up family life, and I liked to keep it that way. “I’m going to go get another beer.” I shot to my feet and scurried to the kitchen without looking back.
“Look what the cat dragged in. Mike, man, where are your boys, huh? Did they have enough of you already?” Trent snickered, and his sorry-ass loser friends joined him, laughing.
My jaw twitched, but I didn’t react as I focused on grabbing the bottle and getting the hell out. He was getting on my nerves lately, all because Claire was fighting for my attention while he was trying to get into her skirt.
“Oh, come on, Mike. Don’t be so serious. Heard your mom started to work at the diner,” he leered. “Also heard your dad left her. Does she need a man to warm her bed? Maybe I can help.”
My pulse thundered like a ticking clock in my ears, and my vision blinded. I didn’t even think as I pummeled my fist straight into his face. I didn’t stop when blood leaked out of his mouth. It only kept me going. His friends shrieked, trying to get me off him.
There were too many voices and too many hands trying to hold me back.
But I didn’t give a fuck.
I wanted to destroy that fucker.
Through the haze, I felt a soft hand clasp onto my forearm, but I swatted it away.
And the sound that followed made my fist halt midair.
My panicked eyes came back to life as my head snapped in the direction of the sound. And my heart fell.
Lily was on the floor; her face was scrunched in pain. Emmie was instantly at her side and helped her up.
“Are you okay?” he asked, concerned.
My eyes roamed over her, freaking out at the thought that I might’ve hurt her.
“I’m fine,” she replied, rubbing her hand before her eyes darted to me. “I was just trying to break up the fight and got pushed off. It’s no big deal.”
Trent’s wailings faded as Matty and Lan dragged him away, and the room quieted.
“Let me see,” Emmie mumbled, hiking up her hoodie of the hand that she was holding.
My breath caught in my throat. A huge bruise was already forming over the back of her forearm from where she hit the cabinet.
Because of me.
Whatever I hoped would never happen happened.
My blinding rage caused this .
This happened because I couldn’t contain the demon sleeping inside me. And I knew then, there was no place for me near her. Even the smallest scratch on Lily killed me, but I’d done something more terrible, and I couldn’t live with myself.
I was dangerous, and she needed to be far, far away from me.
“I’ll go get some ice for it.” Emmie took off to the fridge.
“I’m sorry,” I said in a solemn whisper.
Her soft gaze met mine. “It’s not your fault. It was an accident. You need to ice yours too.”
“Hmm.” I followed her gaze to my broken knuckles. I nodded absentmindedly, just as a worried Katy checked in on her.
I lingered for one last look before I escaped back into the party. Hushed whispers followed me, but no one dared to speak up. It didn’t last long, though, and the party resumed back in full force.
I was on my second bottle when Lily came up to me, and every muscle of my body froze.
“What are you doing here? You should go home,” I told her firmly. Too guilty to even look her in the eye.
“I told you I’m fine. You’re not my dad or my brother,” she joked, laughing.
And before I could say anything, Claire wormed her way to my side, smelling like cheap perfume. “Mike, I heard what that fucker did to you! Are you okay? Are you hurt?” Her phony voice reached my ears.
I felt Lily stiffen beside me .
“Hey, babe.” I forced a wide smile on my face, clamping my arms around Claire as I brought her close to me. Surprise clouded Claire’s face because I hardly gave her attention, but now, I had no other choice.
“Hmm, I’ll get going.” Lily dashed off to the rest of the guys and Katy.
Soon, Claire and her insolent friends joined us and started talking my ears off. But I wasn’t paying any attention because it was focused on those hurtful violets.
This had to stop. What I did today can never happen again.
Lily had to stop thinking that I was her knight in shining armor.
Which was why it didn’t kill me when I pressed my lips to Claire, kissing her while her friends hollered. I felt nothing as I kissed her. It tasted like cardboard and sandpaper.
And there she was, those hurtful violets now looked at me with burning fire.
I knew then I’d lost my Lily.
Whatever pedestal that she put me on was now lowered, a sinking ship on a stormy night.
Ever since that day, Lily and I stopped talking like we used to. We made passing comments and joked around, but that was only because we hung around in the same group.
After she left for college, even that stopped. We hardly talked; we were strangers.
It was all for the best .