CHAPTER 31
I blinked my heavy lids open to the smell of alcohol and a familiar beeping sound. A blurry image hovered over me as my eyes refocused on the surroundings.
Where was I?
The last thing I remembered was having dinner with Jack and Riana at mine.
I blinked back the white dots till my vision cleared. My gaze trained on an unfamiliar plain white wall before they landed on Jack, who was peering at me with worried eyes. “You gave us a scare.”
“What happened?” My voice came out scratchy and dry.
Jack let out a heavy breath, smoothing his palms over the wrinkles on his shirt. “You suffered from a mini heart attack. The blood supply to your heart was partially cut off. We had to call the ambulance.”
I sighed as despair clouded me. I was near my end, wasn’t I?
“When were you going to tell me?” a familiar voice asked from my other side.
A voice that made my body tingle.
A voice that made every cell in my body freeze.
I knew exactly who it was, yet I didn’t want to turn around and face him.
My palms turned clammy as my panicked eyes flew to Jack’s once again.
“I had to call them,” Jack explained with a sigh. “It’s for the best, Lily. Take care, I’ll be out in the hall if you need me.” And with that, he gave a nod to the person on the other side of the room and exited without another word.
I swallowed the heaviness down my throat and shifted to my left, and my eyes went straight to the pair of cold green eyes that pinned me with deadly calm.
A heavy weight settled on my chest.
“When were you going to tell me?” Michael repeated in an icy tone.
My breath hitched, but I didn’t say a thing.
A moment skipped. “You were never going to tell me, were you?” he stated in a monotonous tone.
“Yes,” I whispered.
He nodded.
Fear crippled me at the blank look marring his face. I thought he would yell or talk some sense into me, but this isn’t what I’d imagined.
Aside from a slight tic in his jaw, his eyes remained cold, and his expression gave nothing away, so I had no clue what he was thinking.
Was he mad? Was he angry? Was he scared?
I didn’t know, but I wished he’d just said something instead of staring at me like that.
Just then the door burst open, and my brother walked in followed by a frantic Evy and grim Matty .
“God, Lily.” Emmie rushed to my side; distress was evident on his pinched face. “Are you alright? I lost half my life.” He clutched my hand as his eyes scanned over me in panic. They were all sporting the same attire they did this morning, although I wasn’t sure how Michael reached me first.
“I’m fine, Emmie,” I managed with a small smile.
“I’m glad.” He leaned in, brushing a soft finger over my cheek. “I was so worried.” Some of the anguish in his eyes faded and was replaced with pain. “Is it true?” he asked. “Everything they said, is it true?”
“Emmie…” I started, but he held a hand.
“Just say it,” he gritted through his teeth.
“Ye…yes.”
He inhaled sharply. “How long?”
The room charged with tension as my heart sank.
Here it was, the moment I never imagined myself to be in. The moment after which they would all look at me with pity and sympathy.
I averted my gaze, fidgeting with the fold of the blanket draped over me.
“How long have you known, Li?” my brother questioned, his tone laced with undeniable fury.
“A few months.” I darted my eyes back to him.
“Your anemia.” Realization dawned on his face. “You lied about it. You lied about something this serious, Lily.” His lips pursed in a thin line.
I swallowed. “I didn’t mean to. ”
“Fine.” He nodded, almost as if he was convincing himself. “We’ll get you better in no time. Everything will be alright, okay?” His voice softened. “You will be alright.”
I sighed. “It’s not,” I said quietly.
“What do you mean?” He narrowed his eyes.
I took a deep breath. “I’m not going to be alright.”
“What is that supposed to mean?” he growled.
“I’m not going to go through with the treatments. It’s hopeless anyway.”
“So, what?” he yelled, his voice rising a decibel. “You’re just going to give up? You’re just going to di…die?”
“I’ve made up my mind, Emmie, and I’m not going to change it.” I mustered a steady tone.
“I can’t believe this. You’re not thinking straight. I’m not going to let my sister die on my watch,” he shouted. “Talk some fucking sense into her.” He waved a frustrated hand at the others.
“Lily, sweetheart.” Matty stepped by my side with a frown. “I know you think it’s for the best, but you’ll never know until you try. You can’t just decide things like this on your own.”
“He’s right.” Evy’s tearstained eyes met mine. “You can’t just leave us like that. We love you, Lily. You have your whole life ahead of you. You can’t give up like this.”
The back of my eyes burned, but I didn’t say a word.
Because they wouldn’t understand.
They wouldn’t understand how life could change in an instant.
In an instant, hopes and dreams would vanish, and all you’d be left with was a ticking clock for your life .
It wasn’t like I wanted this, but it happened, and I had to live with it.
I could at least make my last days happy.
“You’re not going to change your mind, are you?” Emmie’s knuckles turned white as he regarded me.
I shook my head.
At that moment, the doors burst open once again, bringing in a nurse and a doctor who checked on me while the room screamed with impending tension. They soon assured me I was stable for now and insisted the others leave, stating I needed my rest.
Emmie reluctantly agreed. “I’m giving you twenty-four hours to make a decision, or else I’m taking matters into my own hands.” His eyes glimmered as he tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear. “I’m not going to lose my sister. I love you too much for that, little shit.” His voice held so much love yet so much fear.
I sniffled as tears gathered in the corner of my eyes. “I love you too, Emmie.”
He gave me a stiff nod before lifting his chin toward Michael, who hadn’t moved from the spot nor had said a word. “Take care of her.” And with that, they all bid their goodbyes and left me alone with Mikey, whom I assumed wasn’t going anywhere.
My hesitant eyes dashed to him once again, and the blank look on his face remained.
The silence grew louder with each passing second as I got lost in his ghostly eyes. Seconds turned to minutes and then an hour, and I couldn’t take it any longer.
“Aren’t you going to say something? ”
He didn’t miss a beat. “What’s left to say? You’ve made up your mind already.”
“It’s for the best.”
“If you say so.”
“I’m really fine.” I faked a smile. “You don’t have to worry.”
“I’m not,” he replied flatly.
Lines creased my forehead. Does that mean he’s not worried about me? Does that mean he accepted my decision? But isn’t that what I wanted anyway? Isn’t that why I feared telling them the truth, yet why does his response nag me?
Suddenly, a wave of exhaustion hit me. I didn’t feel any pain, but I was tired, and it felt like I couldn’t lift a finger.
“Sleep,” Michael stated as if he knew I was fighting hard to keep my lids open. “Sleep,” he whispered softly this time. “Dr. Karlfield will come check on you tomorrow.”
I didn’t even have the energy to reply as my eyes drew shut, and a heavy slumber knocked me out.
“Michael, tell me what’s going on.” My hand gripped his shoulder, shaking him hard. “Tell me,” I screamed, but he stared into the distance, his eyes vacant and empty.
“Why won’t you just tell me something?” Confusion struck me alive as my panicked eyes took in the clouds swirling around us, trying to pull me away from him.
“Michael, I’m leaving soon. Why won’t you just say something?” The cloud pulled me farther away from him. I tried to reach harder, but I couldn’t touch him anymore. “Mikey, please. I don’t want to leave like this.”
But he remained stoic and the fear in me doubled when the distance between us grew more and more by the second. I kept trying to scream his name and get his attention but he still remained frozen in time.
This wasn’t how I wanted to leave.
Please, just look at me.
Please, just say something.
Please. Please. Please.
A jolt went straight through my heart as my eyes snapped open. I could hear my heart beating in my chest as panic swirled around my gut.
It took me a moment to orient myself and it was only then that the events of last night came rushing back in, and a sigh left my lips as I held my fist to my chest.
It was only a nightmare.
But it felt so real.
Speaking of the nightmare, I directed my gaze to my left, and very well, a pair of dark green eyes were locked intensely on me, still in the same spot as yesterday. It looked like he hadn’t moved an inch.
“Did you even sleep?” I asked, noticing the slight stream of light peeking through the window behind him. It was still very early in the morning.
“No,” he deadpanned.
“Did you watch me sleep all night like a creep?” I mustered a terrible joke but got no answer in response.
Just the same unwavering cold look .
I attempted to twist to my side, but a shot of pain coursed through my arm when I accidentally tugged one of the I.V cords on my hand.
“Careful.” Michael jumped to his feet and was by me in a second. “You’ll pull the wires,” he mumbled under his breath as he helped me situate myself better.
Oh, so he was worried.
And without another word, he dropped back to his spot on the uncomfortable plastic chair.
Some of the sweat coating my back dissipated in my new position, but I was still feeling the remnants of my nightmare.
I could go any minute, and I didn’t want to leave like this.
I just wanted him to say something.
“Are you still going to give me that silent treatment?”
His gaze sharpened. “I’m not giving you the silent treatment,” he replied instantly.
“But you are,” I fired back. “You’ve been acting weird since yesterday.” My blood boiled with anger, and I just couldn’t take it anymore.
“I wonder why.”
“Are you mad? Is that it? Or are you regretting ever coming back into my life? If so, just say it. You don’t have to be here if you don’t want to.”
The vein along his forehead throbbed. “Don’t put words into my mouth, little mouse.”
“Then why are you acting this way?”
“What way am I supposed to act? Please tell me,” he steeled out. “What way are you supposed to act when you find out the girl who promised to be your forever has been lying to you for months?”
All the fight left me. “I didn’t mean to,” I muttered.
“But you did.”
“It’s not as easy as you think.”
“I never said it was. I thought you were so much better than that, Lily. I thought my Lily was so much better than that. She wouldn’t lie and trick her family like this. She most definitely wasn’t a coward who took the easy way out. I just… I just don’t recognize this person in front of me.”
A sting burned my eyes in an instant. “I didn’t have a choice,” I whispered, not being able to control the river of tears streaming wildly down my cheeks.
“Everyone has a choice, Liliana.” He gave me a disappointed look. “You just took the one that suited you.”
A sob escaped my lips as I darted my eyes away.
This was what I wanted, wasn’t it? I avoided the truth, scared of their pity and sympathy, yet Michael was giving me the exact opposite of that.
He was giving me the truth, and that was what I wanted, right?
Yet why did it hurt so bad?
I wiped my cheeks with the back of my hand as an exhausted weight of sadness settled over me.
“It was a couple of months ago,” I started quietly as I brought my eyes back to him. “One second, I was swimming, and the next, I couldn’t. It felt like my entire rib cage was being lit up in flames. I knew something was wrong, but I didn’t think much of it. But God, how wrong was I?” I asked, with a vacant laugh .
His gaze flickered the tiniest bit, but he remained impassive.
“Dr. Karlfield suggested it was probably an infection but took my blood just in case. Only days later, I was called in and was told that it was something worse and that I probably had six months, maximum eight months if I was lucky. And I wanted to…” I looked him square in the eye. “The first thing I wanted to do was get it treated and was to get it out of me. But something in his eyes told me it wasn’t going to be that easy. Given the nature, he explained, I had to get surgery first and then go through several bouts of chemo. That is if the surgery worked and I was still standing. Attaining full remission in this type of tumor was rare, and the surgery had a twenty percent success rate.” I gave him an empty smile. “Twenty percent, Michael. What was I supposed to do? I was twenty-three and had my own life ahead of me. I was excited to be finally working on my dream and starting a life in New York, and being close to Emmie, and now they were telling me there was only a twenty percent chance that could happen. What was I supposed to do?” My voice wavered.
His eyes softened.
“Do you still think I’m a coward? For choosing to live my last days on my own terms. To have some semblance of control over it, rather than have it taken away from me, hooked to drugs or on a cold, hard table. You know what? Maybe I’m a coward because I’m terrified because knowing there was an eighty percent chance that I might die while they have my chest cut open, knowing my heart might stop and I might die like that scares the shit out of me. So yes, maybe I took the easy way out, but at least I did it on my terms. I chose how I wanted to die.”
I sniffed as tears started to fill my eyes once again.
“But it’s the last thing I want. I want to make anime, go to Japan, and create art. I… I want to,” I hiccuped. “I want to tell you how happy I am that you’re back in my life, how much I want to be your forever, how much I want to grow old with you, marry you, have kids with you, and how much… how much I love you, Michael. But what can I do? Tell me what to do?” I cried out.
“Fuck,” he cursed as his face crumpled, and he was on me in a second. “Fuck, don’t cry, little mouse. That’s the last thing I want.”
But it felt like the tightly packed bubble that I’d been holding myself in burst open, and my cries intensified, getting louder and louder.
“You’re killing me,” he whispered brokenly. “It doesn’t matter. Death is not the end for you and me. The minute you go, I go too. Heaven or hell, I’m following you, little mouse. You’re not alone, and you’ll never be alone. I promise.” His grip tightened, holding me to his chest like I was going to disappear any moment.
I stilled as it dawned on me.
He was scared.
For the first time in his life, Michael was truly scared, and he didn’t know what to do.
So he did the only thing he hoped would work.
He gave me the truth, calling me out, knowing it was the only way that would get me to change my mind .
When we were younger, Michael used to say that my endless stubbornness streak would get me in trouble sometimes, and he was right.
I was stubborn and selfish, and when he said he didn’t recognize me, I agreed because I didn’t either. I wasn’t brave and selfless like the characters I brought to life. Instead, I hid, trying to control an impossible narrative.
I chose to give up without a fight.
And in the end, he knew me better than I did myself.
I was so much more than a coward.
And I refuse to go down as a coward.
“I’ll do it,” I mumbled against his chest.
I felt him freeze around me, and I pulled back.
“What?” His wide eyes flew to me.
“I’ll do it.” I took a deep breath. “I’ll go through with the surgery.”
“You will?” he asked, baffled.
I nodded, flashing him a faint smile.
For you, I will.