18. Phoenix
Phoenix
I t's so bloody hot, my white t-shirt might as well be see-through for as much sweat is drenching my torso. Knox is no better off even though we’re only installing this breakaway latch—which should be a quick, easy job, yet I find myself moving slowly.
I suspect Knox knows what’s going on because instead of hurrying me along, he’s taking twice the usual amount of time to find the tools he needs, even though his toolbox is in impeccable order.
My head’s still a mess from my final interaction with Walker half an hour ago even if keeping my hands busy has been helpful.
Despite the turmoil surrounding me, it’s been nice being at the arena, actually watching the events.
However, the life of a retired cowboy is hard.
I still crave that adrenaline spike when the shoot opens—hence my career as a firefighter.
I’ve missed hearing that horn blare in the arena.
It used to signal that I’d survived the ride, now it signals that the danger is just beginning.
Being out of my routine, away from the fire station, and having Cassie in town, dissecting my every move, has worn me down and I’m ready for things to go back to normal.
“Hey, can you grab the drill out of my truck?” Knox asks, pulling me from my messy thoughts. “I must have left it on the backseat,” he adds from the spot where he’s kneeling, holding a screw in place.
“Yeah, sure,” I agree.
I’m glad Knox is here. He’s not terribly intrusive and he’s content to just work…
even if the project is fairly pointless.
It’s Friday evening, so my horses are coming home in forty-eight hours.
Nonetheless, I’m doing a shit job at taking care of myself right now, so it feels good to at least do what I can for them.
As soon as I turn toward Knox’s truck, I halt. Weaving through the rows of campers, with a bag slung across his back, is Walker.
He looks like he’s running away, and I fight the urge to intervene. Walker is a grown-ass man. Surely, he knows what he’s doing, but it doesn’t mean I don’t wonder what’s going through his mind, what he’s running from, or what his final destination is.
I grab the drill and walk back to Knox, holding it in my outstretched hand.
“You mind doing it?” he asks. “I can’t let go of the screw and I can’t drill left-handed.”
I nod and give the drill’s trigger a little test squeeze before throwing another quick glance over my shoulder to monitor Walker’s progress. He’s almost to the entrance of the parking lot and he shows no signs of slowing down.
“Fuck! Phoenix, watch what you’re doing!”
Knox’s voice startles me and I look down to see his fingertip bleeding.
“Oh, shit, Knox. My bad. ”
“Yeah, that’s your bad,” he grumbles. “You almost took my fucking finger off.”
“Maybe you’d better take this.” I hold it out again and he takes it this time. I rest my head against the temporary structure, letting it fall to the right so I can steal one more look at the man about to walk out of my life forever. Again.
“So, Cassie’s right, then?” Knox asks over the sound of the drill. “There’s history there?”
“What is up with Cassie discussing my sex life with everyone?” I snap, my defensiveness making me totally obvious.
“You’re the one bringing up sex. I just said history. Besides, aren’t you straight?”
Well, fuck.
“It’s complicated,” I answer, not meeting his eyes.
I know Knox won’t care if I’m attracted to guys, but I can see how he’d be a little miffed since I’m the second in our group to come out with this revelation.
“But since we’re on the topic,” I try, changing the subject back to him.
“You and Cass seem to be getting awfully close this trip.” Begrudgingly, I throw another glance over my shoulder to see Walker getting farther away, my heart pounding harder with each step of his.
The overwhelming feeling of loss beginning to grow unbearable.
“You watch your mouth,” Knox admonishes. “Don’t even insinuate it. Cassie is family to us all. Besides, she’s seeing someone in Miami.”
This takes me by surprise.
“She is? She didn’t mention it.” The words are barely out of my mouth before Knox is narrowing his eyes at me.
“You’ve been a little preoccupied ever since she showed up, and I’ve got a sneaking suspicion that kid you keep watching has something to do with it.”
“He’s not a kid. He’s twenty-six,” I say immediately. Still. Fucking. Defensive .
“Whatever. You gonna go talk to him?”
“I don’t have anything to say to him.” I pout like a fucking toddler.
“Then why do you keep looking at him like he’s the answer to all your problems?”
I scoff. “He’s not the answer to them. He’s the fucking cause of them.”
“All the more reason to talk.” Knox shrugs, refusing to drop it. “Cassie’s not the only one worried about you, you know. Don’t think I haven’t noticed that you’ve been pulling away from us recently.”
“Let it go,” I warn, tired of telling people to drop it.
“I would, buuuuuut,” he draws out the word and I know I’m not going to like what happens next.
“That’s not really what friends are for, Phoe.
” Before I can stop him, he sticks his finger and thumb in his mouth and lets out an ear-splitting whistle.
My body betrays me when I turn to see if Walker stopped, right as Knox yells, “Hey, DeVille! You got a second?”
“Knox, what the fuck are you doing?” I growl.
“Relax, I just want to talk to the kid.”
“He’s not a kid,” I say immediately, earning a raised brow from my friend.
“You sure are concerned about what he is and what he isn’t for someone you claim to have nothing to say to.”
I clamp my mouth shut not wanting to explain the mild panic attack I had over Walker’s age the night we hooked up…or that we hooked up at all.
Knox and I watch as Walker slowly turns in our direction, hitching his duffel higher on his shoulder.
Before he reaches us, Knox throws his hammer in the open toolbox at our feet and pats me on the back.
“You’ve got demons. Stop running from them and start talking to them, or they’ll end up as the only company you keep. ”
This time, my eyes narrow. “Nine times out of ten, I really appreciate your life wisdom, but fuck if that tenth time doesn’t make me want to punch you in the goddamn mouth.”
“Yeah, well, get in line,” Knox grumbles cryptically.
“You know, one of these days, you’re going to have to share a little about your own demons, Knoxy.”
He sighs. “All you need to know is that my demons run from me , Phoe. Not the other way around. They won’t give me a chance to talk to them.” With that, he walks toward his truck and climbs inside just as Walker comes through the other door to the barn.
One look at his face and I almost drop to my knees.
He hasn’t showered yet and is still in his rodeo button down, but in place of his white show hat, he’s wearing a worn, black cowboy hat with a thin leather braided rope around the brim.
My stomach lodges itself in my throat. I once flicked that hat off his head so I could drive my fingers into the hair beneath it.
A pregnant silence fills the air around us and I’m the first one to break it. I wish I had a great line or something really profound to say, but I open my mouth and a terrible, humorless joke falls out. The only reason I can think for it is the look of utter despair on his face.
“You know, the first time we met, you were walking away from me then too. You’d think I’d take a fucking hint.”
Walker closes his eyes like I’m bleeding him dry of the last of his emotions. “I really can’t do this with you right now.” He sounds so defeated.
When he offers nothing else, I point to his duffle bag. “Is that about your ride? Because we all have?—”
“It’s not about the ride.” He cuts me off and shifts his weight.
His eyes won’t meet mine, confirming there’s more to this story, but still, he doesn’t elaborate.
It reminds me of the way he emotionally held me at arm’s length even though he couldn’t get his body close enough to mine the night we were together.
I’m positive that getting involved is a bad idea, but whatever drew me to him eight years ago, won’t allow me to turn my back on him now.
“Look,” I start. I’d taken my cowboy hat off and replaced it with a ball cap right before Knox got here.
Just to give my hands something to do, I pull the hat off, wipe my forehead, and put it on backwards so I can see Walker better.
“I know I don’t have any right to be in your business, but I’ve been where you are.
” Now isn’t the time to mention that my injury ended my career whereas his won’t, so I leave that part out.
“If you have questions about what happens next, you know…I can try to help.”
A slow, deliciously sexy smile tilts one corner of his mouth as he cuts his eyes to me. “I really appreciate that, Phoenix, but uh, I’ve been riding broncs since I was twelve. This isn’t my first injury.”
Right.
“So, what’s got you all torn up then?”
“Well, for starters, my coach just informed me that since my season’s done, he’s going to join Jackson’s team.”
“ Jackson White ?” I ask incredulously.
“One and the same.”
Hoping he’ll stay, and tell me more, I reach forward for the strap of his bag.
“Christ, that guy’s an asshole. Here, set this down for a minute.
” He lets me take it from him and I feel his eyes trail up my body.
I’m so fucking hot under his gaze I’m concerned about the possibility of a heat stroke.
Feeling like this interaction is heading somewhere it ought not to go, I avert my gaze from his beautiful face and steer us back on track—wherever that may be anymore.